April 14, 2006

dream men

i had a dream over christmas break - i was in a satanic cult. i had been accepted into college on a minority scholarship and moved into a special minority dorm with turquoise walls and religious overtones. i didn't really fit in, though, not having been raised in a disadvantaged background, not being black or overtly hispanic. the only friend i made within the first few days was the maid, an older hispanic woman who never went to college, herself, and was very encouraging to the tune of getting good grades and graduating is the only thing. within a few days, i moved out of that dorm and into a satanic coed frat. the head of it was an aleister crowley-type older man with a foreboding air and ambiguously extant evil powers. he lead the little coven. surprisingly, i did have friends among the worshippers. there was a repentant and trapped-feeling ex-christian girl who had given up her faith and a slightly overweight girl who was wicked, but not precisely evil. neither were really into that whole satan-thing, though.

we were sent by the old man to fetch some sacred coins. they fit into a grey stone wall carving in the lower levels of the frathouse. four more (or so) were needed to open the seal and unleash evil. eeeevil. as a new intitiate and a very promising convert, i was sent to collect one of the remaining coins. it was nestled within a bible, atop an ancient bell in an outdoor alcove of...the minority dorm. gasp! so i had to sneak back in, which wasn't too difficult, since i had lived there once upon a time. i got into the strange exposed rectory without any trouble - i was stopped by the housekeeper, who i think was chatty and possibly religious at me, but in a friendly, inspirational way - and i found the bible. i had to lean out of a window, and possibly climb something, as well, to get to it atop a very large, old corroded iron bell. the coins were inside as well as a couple of large bills with a curse to the effect of, "whosoever taketh..." (biblical curses are always written in an archaic and flowery way) "...this stuff...is cursed pretty bad for greed. seriously." death death doom doom. i really don't remember what it said, just that it was very foreboding. i took everything out of the bible, replaced the book and headed out unchallenged.

as i was heading back, i was struck with overwhelming doubts. about damnation and demons and evil magicks. i think, while i still didn't believe in god and the devil, i was afraid that assembling the coins would release something very bad, and i was also not unconcerned with my own fate concerning the curse. but it was too late and i was already in the room with the coven leader when i got to that conclusion. so he took the stuff, and i freaked out and begged him to at least put back the money. he praised my insight - best not to bring a curse down upon us for simple greed when there were greater plans yet to be laid. he took the coin from me.

i was walking back from the dorm and i ran into someone i had known from earlier, my time in the first dorm, i suppose. he was actually the dream image of my overweight christian neighbor from freshman year. in my dream he was a smug, self-satisfied preachy christian i disliked thoroughly. then i was back with the satanists and it was night and we were having an amusing event. the entire frat was shooting things at a christian frat or dorm (the details in this part are really choppy and fuzzed now) using a giant slingshot. it's also possible we were swinging on a giant swingset and jumping off, landing blocks away. whatever. it was fun and team-building.

the next day, i was walking back from class beside an above-ground parking lot and i saw a guy who caught my eye. a very good-lookin' black man. something about him sort of called to me and i approached him and asked to walk along with him. he was goin' my way (his car was parked somewhere on the street toward my frat). we walked together and talked. turns out, and i suspected this more before he said it, he was a dissatisfied christian, like, seething with rage at god, for some reason. we talked as we walked. i thought to get him to join me and the satanists, so he could help me defeat them. as we walked, we ran into my two satanist friends, who were, i'm afraid, vandalizing his car. i had them stop and switch to the car of the obnoxious christian guy i disliked, parked nearby.

just as my companion announced he was renouncing his faith, i threw my arms around him in an impetuous, flirty hug. and i froze. he felt just like home. warm comfort and calm, perfect chemistry. and i'm sure he felt it, as well, as we just stood there frozen for a moment. then i woke up slightly and my arms were circling nothing in my bed. i couldn't get the dream out of my head all day. i was left dazed and wistful and confused.

this afternoon, i took a nap. i had a long, elaborate dream i didn't quite remember upon waking, but the last moments are clear in my mind. i had been in bed on one side of a room, and i got up for some reason. instead of going back to bed in my own bed, i crossed the room and laid down behind the guy sleeping in another bed there. just as i put my arms around him, i forcefully woke up. felt a little bit lost for the next hour. it just made me think of the earlier dream, i don't know. they're awfully sad.

(and i really don't know what my thing is with the devil. i am all weird dreams.)

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