February 08, 2006

ramblin' man

when greg called me yesterday, he noted it's been a while since my last post, which is a malady i've been aware of since my last post. somehow, i've cooled on the whole blog thing. though i still want a record of my college experience, i seem to lack the motivation to write, or any compelling topic. or rather, any topic that remains compelling for more than 5 minutes at a atime, until my attention span shifts and i become consumed with some other minute issue of my life. that and i'm busy. busy, and for once, finally getting down to work. that is, when i'm not obsessively watching the west wing. i've downloaded the first four seasons since the beginning of the quarter and i'm nearly done with the fourth. it is a show that makes me giggle and bounce giddily in my chair. and it has made me jealous of conversation. i find that more and more i spend my time sitting in silence, watching television, reading, or otherwise silently occupied. i am craving banter. but at least i'm feeling intelligent. i go through strange oscillations of self-image in which i may be bored and inert, or sparked wih some creative force that pervades my thinking. i do wish it were not so unpredictable. i can't quite be sure what to attribut this new change to, perhaps my new workload. i am completely swamped. between memorizing the genus and species of several score of organisms across several genera, researching a paper on sexual traits of monkeys (i spend my evenings typing "primate penis phylogeny" and "primate female orgasm" and "primate infanticide" into google), and just trying to stay afloat in physics and calculus, i'm covered in a faint film of dread whever i go. at the same time, i think the stress my be good for me, preventing me from sinking back into stale oblivion. through it all, i'm still wondering exactly what i will do with myself "when i grow up." more and more i am becoming convinced that biology is not the field for me - i genuinely enjoy the science, but learning about it is a distasteful process bereft of any sort of critical dialogue. if i would like to inject my studies with problem-solving, i would best begin research of some kind, but with research comes a battery of dull, repetitive experiments and exacting requirements for time-management and fiscal responsibility. i think i still might like medicine, but the studies required would be worse, even, than general biology, extremely heavy in memorization. then there are writing and law, both fields i had hardly considered till a year ago, but both incredibly competitive, though in different ways. i'm not sure i could stand either lifestyle of intense molar-grinding competition, or probable starvation. and so, nothing really seems interesting or novel enough to write about. i wish i had more freedom to explore more diverse subjects. already, i doubt i will be able to graduate at the end of my fourth year. at any rate, i am feeling very insufficently competitive to enter any professional school. i may have to go another route and take time off between tiers of education. africa still appeals to me. i think i'm in desperate need of a vacation in which i neither sit around slothfully nor work, as i do whever i go home. i'm going to try and do something a little more diverting during spring break, but my inspiration is short. so please, do contact me with suggestions. othwise i will just spend my time on couches and in bed, unrefreshed and unhappy. cheers, and till i write again...

1 Comments:

At 4:34 AM, Anonymous Greg said...

You were kind enough not to mention that when I called you, I also hung up on you. I'm sorry about that. I'll call you again at some point. I should add that if you need help with physics or calculus, that's what I'm doing professionally while waiting for everything to come through for my "real job."

 

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