October 14, 2005

in-between times

i've been somewhere between content and full of malaise the past few days.

some things have made me very happy, like seeing a man dressed as wolverine on the street. or watching lots and lots of arrested development. or finishing my programming project with kick-ass competance. boo-yah!

other things have made me dive into gloomfest. mostly, boring lectures. also, the fine white anthers that fall like intermittant snow from the eucalyptus trees outside of boelter and lodge into the seam between the case and screen of my laptop.

and some things have left me feeling oddly conflicted. like making conversation with one of the gardeners on campus and having a nice talk in spanish no less, but then being asked for my phone number and suddenly realizing that it's possible that i was unwittingly being flirted with. hrrrm.

and plenty of things have thrown me into little rages. like the asian couple who sit in the back row of the lecture hall during evolution and mutter quietly to one another and cuddle over the armrest. and the horrible smile that he gave her the other day, like contented condescending sexual posession. it's a smile i've only ever seen in men. and the girl in my parasitology class who leaves her giant purse sitting in the chair next to her, even though she sits right by the aisle and people have to sit on the stairs because they come in late. the fact that my biogeochemistry professor gave us homework problems with several values all with different units that needed to be converted and all in blatantly obnoxious non-scientific notation.

and then there are the little contented moments, like just after i finished snow crash. and three days later, after i finished life of pi. or when i went to bed knowing that i could sleep late because i was skipping my programming discussion section. or when i hug my stuffed hippo. or when i introduced myself to the guy in my parasitology class because it was silly that we were walking down all the same streets almost side-by-side. or when i take my laptop to class and it sits all sleek and warm inside my backpack, waiting to emerge and be just terribly useful.

and one mustn't forget the small annoyances. getting my clothes out of the dryer to discover that they smelled like man-detergent, and thus a little bit like blaize (whose detergent it was). the fact that i still can't seem to sit quietly and just go through my parasitology online lectures like a good, studious girl without serious attention disorders.

and there's the sleepy, woozy headrush feeling after just waking up, or standing up, or not thinking too hard, or when i have to make sense of immunological facts.

and between all those other feelings, has been a sort of shiftless, bored, funk, where the back of my mind seems to be caught in a haze, like a thick fog lingering just at the edge of sight. and it's as if i'm just waiting for something to come along and stimulate me out of that apathy and into some real thoughts. such are the cycles of my brain.


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