August 20, 2005

beautiful dreamer

i've been having very weird dreams of late. started last with a dream in which i made out with __ at my family's christmas party in what appeared to be some sort of barn. there was snow on the ground and although i don't normally see __ that often, he was there because somewhere our families intermarried. i suppose that made us some sort of cousins, though unrelated by blood. bored with my natural relatives (as i generally am), i went out into the snow with __, where i kissed him, um, etc. was very odd as i don't actually think about kissing him during my conscious hours. alone, not that odd, but the next night, i kissed him in an rickety elevator in a very tall blue building at college right after my art class. so it's sort of recurring. um.

i was at a mall, parked rather far from the main section, but off near another wing of the building. (was really big mall.) i was there for some reason that has now been lost. bu i end up in a sort of sport/activity area. with raquetball courts, for some reason. i put my purse down to watch and see that __ is playing with some people i've never met. i hover around, sort of meaning to cuddle up to him after the game, but he goes off with the other people and some girl after a sort of indifferent greeting and i'm either expected to tag along like a puppy or just be left behind. it was more unthinking than mean, but i felt very hurt. i go to my car, but realize that i've left my purse behind. when i go back to get it, the mall is closed, but some people at an eatery within the mall let me in. i go the back way into the sport place as all the doors are still open. someone is setting up projectors to shine against the walls of the raquetball court. it is some sort of performance art. there was to be a game going in the court with porn showing on one wall (deep throat, which i've never seen) and hedwig and the angry inch playing opposite it. they were putting on a practice run with only the movies going and nobody around, so i stayed to watch. on the upper portion of the wall to my left, the porn began with an animated intro, reminiscent of grease, only, obviously, dirtier. hedwig was nothing like the actual move, as hedwig seemed to be a furry man-dog creature and most of the action took place in a garage (as in garage band). i sort of stopped the porn to pay close attention to one scene of the movie and with my focus on it, i sort of entered the movie. i was in the garage and some people came in with hedwig, and they were all loath to touch...well, it, i guess, as it was sort of intersexed dog-creature with inch-long hacked-off penis (something reminiscent of the real movie, at least) i sort of petted it. it then got very friendly and i, too, got a little freaked out. then i sort of receeded back into the (all forest green) raquetball court and proceeded to sit in there alone and watch both movies at once until the dream ended. i woke up feeling very sad and disappointed with __. his unthinking behavior was completely typical, i realized and would never change and i was gloomed out with the total pessimism of that thought for a while.

then, i had a dream in which i was in mexico with a tour group of too-cool-for-school bitchy hipster types. i didn't like them. we were hiking around in a meadow when i decided i needed to procure acid for the sort of quiet sensitive artist type in the group (differentiatted from all the assholes) as he was a young jim morrison and i had to get him acid that he might "expand him mind" and therefore learn to totally rock. (also, apparently become completely hedonistic and self-destructive, but in a hot way.) so, i asked for directions from the first mexican i saw on the street (which happened to be a cute sort of old suburb) who gave me rather incomprehensible directions. sort of a street name, sort of pointing. so i wandered in the direction he indicated and wound up in a beat-up townhouse (lt. blue) with all the doors open. i found a group of twenty-something boho hipster assholes sitting around in a tiny apartment on the ground floor, doing something drug related. so i asked them if they had acid. they told me i was early and in the wrong place, but fine, whatever, they'd sell to me then. they had porn on in the background on the tiny tv. for $30 i got two bags of rainbow-colored lsd candy canes and much attitude. i left, faintly nervous, as it was my first time buying narcotics (though for a good cause, i must admit) and walked hesitantly back to the group, who weree on a hill somewhere on the outskirts of town. it was intermittantly turning to dusk. on the way, i ran into my mother, just beyond the giant clock(tower). she was complaining that my grosero father and brother (am actually only child) who were watching porn (linda lovelace starring, though, again, never seen her in anything) on tv in the middle of the afternoon (it was 4 pm.) for some reason she found the early hour particularly scandalous. i thought it was typical of them and sort of shrugged it off, wanting to get back and deliver my goods.

two nights ago, i dreamed that suegol died. me and a group of friends (you were there) were in a sort of hallway that was actually in an alternate dimension. (this sounds way more sci-fi than it felt - my dream was just very matter of fact "oh we seem to be passing through an laternate-dimension hallway. yes.") the hallway's dimension and that of the real world were slowly passing through one another behind us. one person was moving too turned to go back for some reason and lost a leg (cleanly shorn off, no blood) in the grinding between the worlds. we tried to hurry a bit, but suddenly someone called for me to stop. they were holding a bloody pulp with an eye at one end and they told me that suegol had been ground up. i was terribly sad. after we passed through the hallway, we were left in a sort of open parking lot thing with portables. as if this were the staging area of some sort of fair yet to begin. i made my way into a building. there was an art exhibit on the first floor and offices above. i made my way up, intending to see someone for some reason. i saw one room that was the office of "the onion" (america's finest news source), which i recently discovered was based in san francisco, which was where i was, obviously. inside were a bunch of people in school desks watching a film of some sort and taking notes. in the front row i was surprised to find mckenzie, who was a good friend in middle school. i always thought it would be nothing short of completely appropriate if she worked at the onion. we sort of caught up and went downstairs to see the exhibit and i told her about suegol's death which the entire dream i had been trying not to think about or i'd cry.

last night i don't remember so well until the end. it involved my uncle who was in the italian mo. (diminutive, slightly chunky, balding, nice grey suit.) something about being on a hill. something about two guys. the really clear bit is at the end. i was sitting on a hill, near a shack where my uncle was...something something important to plot...under a tree with __. i remember really wanting him to sqeeze lemon juice on my shoulders and then lick it off. i could even taste the salty and sour of the lemon, myself, for some reason. but i couldn't really articulate what i wanted exactly, so there was lotion and rubbing, and i kept handing him lemons, but no cutting of lemons, or squeezing, oe licking. i was terribly disappointed, he was totally not getting it. and then i woke up and i was a bit weirded out about the lemon thing. i mean, why? why?

so that's pretty much the state my subconscious is in right now. i'm a bit weirded out by me.


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