August 31, 2005


i keep forgetting. i got a tattoo today. maybe it seems so terribly uncharacteristic that my brain just refuses to accept it. but every time i check the mirror it's there. sometimes it hurts like a sunburn, but mostly i can forget it. so looking in the mirror isn't a suprise, exactly, no more than the fact that i actually went through with the process in the first place. it's just...odd. uncharacteristic, i think.

it was a brilliant triumph of patiently planned spontenaity. for years, i've wanted a tattoo. for months, i considered the design. for weeks, i saw myself grow old with the tattoo. for days, i thought "the next time i'm in fremont with time to kill i'll find the shop...." and finally today was the culmination. i had the time, i found the hole-in-the-wall where kaity got hers done, and i was stuck in traffic directly across from it for long enough to finally decide to pull into the parking lot. well, first i got my nails done, but then i went inside. i asked my little questions and went back to mom's work to print out my design. i hadn't had time to print it in the morning (i had anticipated the need), but fortunately, i had e-mailed it to chris and it was stored in my outbox ready to retrieve. i printed it out, warned mom, and drove off to get inked.

arrived, talked to cute artist some more (asked "are you any good") and headed off to luch while he resized and made a stensil of my design. when i was done with my crappy meatball sub, i went back. he was just finishing and the next thing i knew, i was watching him do the final setup of his tools. i pulled off my shirt, he positioned the design, and then it started. during a lull while he changed the needle (disliked the feeling of the first), i told him i liked the doors and he had that put in the cd player. i sat there, tensed, while he got down to work on my back, and smiled my amused smile, completely in awe of the moment. it was so unreal. so unlike me.

the wailing, beautiful guitar riffs, coupled with the sting of the needle (not so bad as you would expect, actually) made me thing, perhaps a little melodramatically, "exquisite pain" over and over again. it was in the music and in my tattoo. a little melodramatic, but it fit the moment just right. after a bit, i relaxed enough to chat with the artist (very cute and around my age). it was funny. he does tattoos and used to work in a bike shop (motocycles, of course), and those are my two little sub-culture obsessions. always wanted to learn the trade of tatto artist, also motocycle mechanic. i laughed and told him, but i'm not sure if he really got it, why it was funny to me. i probably sounded a bit nervous and juvenile. we talked a bit about our families, books, language. it was pleasant. and then it was all done and i left.

i'm amazed at my own composure through the entire thing. the fact that i never panicked or used the little girl nervous voice that i order restaurant food in. i acted like a decisive adult. maybe now you know why i keep saying it was all very uncharacteristic? i'm not used to just going out and doing the things i want and mean to. it was transcendant in that way. i kept marvelling that i was almost like a different person. or rather, a me that actually had balls. it was nice. i even decided at the last minute to get the tattoo between my shoulder blades, rather than on my lower back as i had always expected to. and never looked back.

of course, my parents hate the tattoo. dad resents the fact that i spent the money and thinks i'm taking advantage of the family as he bought me some tools yesterday and this seems like a waste to him. he prophesied that i'd grow to really regret this. i even handled that like areasonable person and didn't get to hurt by his sentiments. really, it's perfectly in line with his idiom to make these complaints. i'm just over it. mom thinks it's too big and black, but otherwise seems alright. not as broody as pop, but then again, she never was. in her own way, she, too, doesn't like it.

i think it's fabulous however. it is thinker and blacker than i would have liked (oh, that's actually an amusing thing to say, heehee) but it is exactly as i designed it. and it's sort of a brilliant milestone sort of thing. i will never be like diana and at the age of seventy regret never getting a tattoo. and i did something brilliantly efficient and interesting all by myself. i'm happy. and frankly, i don't really give a shit what anyone says about it. i've resolved to love it. and that's what i'm gonna do. *grins*

August 29, 2005

day & night

today: second day of my period. organized my last month of employment. got two fillings and had to wait 3 hours at dad's work before i could get a ride home. between cramps and the numbed face i was extraordinarily cranky. seriously. i wanted to punch someone. and by that, i mean my dentist.

now, am feeling much better. ben & jerry's, stargate, knitting, and gibson. i feel happy.

August 26, 2005

blarg. oh, blarg.

i'm a bit weirded out by the misapplication of formerly popular hits in commercials. sure everyone loves "baby got back" or "she blinded me with science" but not with new lyrics about back to school supplies. come on, can't you do any better than that? maybe the children gather their supplies from a giant, candy-colored landscape while backpack birds flap through the sky and pencil bugs scuttle around. (what would mick jagger do?)

i spent today in a rather foul mood. woke up early. dentist appointment. i made small talk with the hygenist, which i never do, and another cavity was discovered. went to work and was lethargic and irritable. felt bloated and ugly. my forehead was stiff from a few spots and i just wanted to be home. made it through to closing without bitching out any customers (at least not deliberately bitching them out). felt a bit better when i got home, changed, ate, and turned on the tv. but am still a little bit tired and depressed. i also want to retalliate against my malaise by pestering people. sigh.

p.s. man, the andy milonaukus show is crap.

tomorrow i work from noon. then sunday my parents have some friends over for a barbeque and i have to make small talk, mostly about my studies, i presume, or else listen to obnoxious adult talk with malcontented expression. i want to get more sun and go to a tattoo expo this weekend. monday, i get another filling, bringing me up to an even 5. and somewhere in all that, i go to the library. read eldest the other day. two days actually, which i see as a small feat due to it's length and the short time. bored with the books i still have from the library, got them ages ago and stopped halfway.

i think i need some time of sleep and sloth to return to my normal cheerful state of hometown bliss. maybe i'll take some time off next week and become a proper layabout.

August 21, 2005

hoary horray

i have to admit that i have a secret love. oh yes, i do.

kindly, hoary-headed women with attitude. like diane. a co-worker at the costume store way back when. i befriended her specially. she had arthiritis and told me she always regretted not getting a tattoo. or mizz m. the drama teacher from my high school. she could keep a class in line with flashing eyes and projection from the diaphragm and always wore fashinable heels. or jane, a former neighbor of mine, who ignored everybody (including my father who often saw her there) at the gym, but would always greet me warmly. a chemist at a time that women never entered that field. or sue johanson, an eldery woman with a very direct sex show they run late at night on cable. i love how terribly candid she is, when she's all wrinkled and old. also, descriptive hand gestures and toys. and apparently quips: if you're gonna be squirtin' bag it for certain. eep!

all these old women are spry and snarky well into their silver years and gold. and all in some way were brilliantly beyond their time and they make me wanna be a brassy old gramma with tattoos and purple hair and a moped. so horray for them! matronly they are not.

August 20, 2005

beautiful dreamer

i've been having very weird dreams of late. started last with a dream in which i made out with __ at my family's christmas party in what appeared to be some sort of barn. there was snow on the ground and although i don't normally see __ that often, he was there because somewhere our families intermarried. i suppose that made us some sort of cousins, though unrelated by blood. bored with my natural relatives (as i generally am), i went out into the snow with __, where i kissed him, um, etc. was very odd as i don't actually think about kissing him during my conscious hours. alone, not that odd, but the next night, i kissed him in an rickety elevator in a very tall blue building at college right after my art class. so it's sort of recurring. um.

i was at a mall, parked rather far from the main section, but off near another wing of the building. (was really big mall.) i was there for some reason that has now been lost. bu i end up in a sort of sport/activity area. with raquetball courts, for some reason. i put my purse down to watch and see that __ is playing with some people i've never met. i hover around, sort of meaning to cuddle up to him after the game, but he goes off with the other people and some girl after a sort of indifferent greeting and i'm either expected to tag along like a puppy or just be left behind. it was more unthinking than mean, but i felt very hurt. i go to my car, but realize that i've left my purse behind. when i go back to get it, the mall is closed, but some people at an eatery within the mall let me in. i go the back way into the sport place as all the doors are still open. someone is setting up projectors to shine against the walls of the raquetball court. it is some sort of performance art. there was to be a game going in the court with porn showing on one wall (deep throat, which i've never seen) and hedwig and the angry inch playing opposite it. they were putting on a practice run with only the movies going and nobody around, so i stayed to watch. on the upper portion of the wall to my left, the porn began with an animated intro, reminiscent of grease, only, obviously, dirtier. hedwig was nothing like the actual move, as hedwig seemed to be a furry man-dog creature and most of the action took place in a garage (as in garage band). i sort of stopped the porn to pay close attention to one scene of the movie and with my focus on it, i sort of entered the movie. i was in the garage and some people came in with hedwig, and they were all loath to touch...well, it, i guess, as it was sort of intersexed dog-creature with inch-long hacked-off penis (something reminiscent of the real movie, at least) i sort of petted it. it then got very friendly and i, too, got a little freaked out. then i sort of receeded back into the (all forest green) raquetball court and proceeded to sit in there alone and watch both movies at once until the dream ended. i woke up feeling very sad and disappointed with __. his unthinking behavior was completely typical, i realized and would never change and i was gloomed out with the total pessimism of that thought for a while.

then, i had a dream in which i was in mexico with a tour group of too-cool-for-school bitchy hipster types. i didn't like them. we were hiking around in a meadow when i decided i needed to procure acid for the sort of quiet sensitive artist type in the group (differentiatted from all the assholes) as he was a young jim morrison and i had to get him acid that he might "expand him mind" and therefore learn to totally rock. (also, apparently become completely hedonistic and self-destructive, but in a hot way.) so, i asked for directions from the first mexican i saw on the street (which happened to be a cute sort of old suburb) who gave me rather incomprehensible directions. sort of a street name, sort of pointing. so i wandered in the direction he indicated and wound up in a beat-up townhouse (lt. blue) with all the doors open. i found a group of twenty-something boho hipster assholes sitting around in a tiny apartment on the ground floor, doing something drug related. so i asked them if they had acid. they told me i was early and in the wrong place, but fine, whatever, they'd sell to me then. they had porn on in the background on the tiny tv. for $30 i got two bags of rainbow-colored lsd candy canes and much attitude. i left, faintly nervous, as it was my first time buying narcotics (though for a good cause, i must admit) and walked hesitantly back to the group, who weree on a hill somewhere on the outskirts of town. it was intermittantly turning to dusk. on the way, i ran into my mother, just beyond the giant clock(tower). she was complaining that my grosero father and brother (am actually only child) who were watching porn (linda lovelace starring, though, again, never seen her in anything) on tv in the middle of the afternoon (it was 4 pm.) for some reason she found the early hour particularly scandalous. i thought it was typical of them and sort of shrugged it off, wanting to get back and deliver my goods.

two nights ago, i dreamed that suegol died. me and a group of friends (you were there) were in a sort of hallway that was actually in an alternate dimension. (this sounds way more sci-fi than it felt - my dream was just very matter of fact "oh we seem to be passing through an laternate-dimension hallway. yes.") the hallway's dimension and that of the real world were slowly passing through one another behind us. one person was moving too turned to go back for some reason and lost a leg (cleanly shorn off, no blood) in the grinding between the worlds. we tried to hurry a bit, but suddenly someone called for me to stop. they were holding a bloody pulp with an eye at one end and they told me that suegol had been ground up. i was terribly sad. after we passed through the hallway, we were left in a sort of open parking lot thing with portables. as if this were the staging area of some sort of fair yet to begin. i made my way into a building. there was an art exhibit on the first floor and offices above. i made my way up, intending to see someone for some reason. i saw one room that was the office of "the onion" (america's finest news source), which i recently discovered was based in san francisco, which was where i was, obviously. inside were a bunch of people in school desks watching a film of some sort and taking notes. in the front row i was surprised to find mckenzie, who was a good friend in middle school. i always thought it would be nothing short of completely appropriate if she worked at the onion. we sort of caught up and went downstairs to see the exhibit and i told her about suegol's death which the entire dream i had been trying not to think about or i'd cry.

last night i don't remember so well until the end. it involved my uncle who was in the italian mo. (diminutive, slightly chunky, balding, nice grey suit.) something about being on a hill. something about two guys. the really clear bit is at the end. i was sitting on a hill, near a shack where my uncle was...something something important to plot...under a tree with __. i remember really wanting him to sqeeze lemon juice on my shoulders and then lick it off. i could even taste the salty and sour of the lemon, myself, for some reason. but i couldn't really articulate what i wanted exactly, so there was lotion and rubbing, and i kept handing him lemons, but no cutting of lemons, or squeezing, oe licking. i was terribly disappointed, he was totally not getting it. and then i woke up and i was a bit weirded out about the lemon thing. i mean, why? why?

so that's pretty much the state my subconscious is in right now. i'm a bit weirded out by me.

August 09, 2005

shat candy porn

have given my laptop new "theme"! yes! so excited! the background is a candy-colorful, tiled andy warhol-esque pop art william shatner portrait that i photoshopped into existence while watching stargate. it's so perty. to match, my hard drive icon is now the starship enterprise. and my screensaver, in keeping with the theme *ahem* is a slideshow of 70's porn spanish. yes! all hail the continuity! but if you gots the chance, you must see the screen of shat-man. pretty and it makes my eyes gleam in 4 flavors of joy. mmmm...yow.

August 07, 2005

summer party

aw, man. just got back from lovely party in fancy, fancy palo alto hills. dressed silly, as did many other people (though i doubt the poofiness of their sleeves made them feel claustrophobic). drank plent, as did many other people (esp. stephi, whee!). met enjoyable strangers (some friendly germans, stanfordites, and yalies, mostly). passed up a joint (pretty much don't need weed, as already have no concept of time and am rather loopy). i enjoyed the great pheasant hunt. *happy sigh*

August 05, 2005


no, no, not really. i actually just wish i knew what was going on with stargate this season. question #1 where's jack? #2 how is chriton ne colonel mitchell justified and why is he so high-level all of a sudden when just 5 years ago he was an astronaut lost in outer space with a blue lady and a deposed dominar? #3 where's jack? #4 where's carter? #5 where's tal'c? #6 why an apostrophe, why? those mean a letter is left out, so therefore which(#6b)? #7 where's jack? #8 is space rogue lady really supposed to be enough to distract audience from absence of jack? i mean, really people... i missed one season finale, and suddenly nothing makes sense anymore. i gotta say, though, i like vala's strappy leather bondage top and rogue hair. rowr. still not jack. they had to pep up daniel's character just to make the nice foil. not doin' it fellas. is he dead? did i suddenly miss him dying? did i? because that would just suck.

(on another i-spend-my-friday-nights-watchin'-sci-fi-channel note, when does firefly get exciting? yeah, cool idea, but where's the punchy comedy? where are the quirky pop culture references that are characteristic of joss whedon shows? i mean, sure, it's alternate reality some time in distant future space show, but i'm sure even they listened to duran duran while fighting againt the alliance, right?)

road anger, and beyond

started today with obsesso watching of yakitate!!, bread-themed anime. i cooled a little on it around ep. 21 when they introduced a villan. i want bread and yeast science, not bitches and human drama. bring me the bread lore!! early afternoon i watched america's next top model and did half-assed sets of crunches. a suppose it might have been a good thing, as mom yelled "hola blandita!" (general equivalence: hi squishy!) and patted my belly upon entering the house. then we went shoppin' and i developed a 'tude. started feelin' more and more misanthropic as the day progressed. mom's half-baked and repetitive stories started grating more and more heavily on me as i was dragged from shopping center to shopping center. on the after dinner excursion to bed, bath, and beyond, i saw a woman in the car ahead of me, sitting on the passenger side, moving her hand in the air stream outside her window as if it were a music video and she were "rollin'." i hated her instantly and wanted to yell, "you're not that young and groovy!" when i passed the car, i saw that both occupants were middle age and was a bit shocked not to see a ditzy high schooler there. i despised anyonw going under the speed limit, and even yelled out the window, "sloow!" as i passed a man on the right. jackass, going 5 mph under the limit in the left lane. there was this obnoxious xoupl in the supermarket that kept kissing. the guy was also wearing strong man-scent. usually i'm pretty weak for the smell of cologne, but this just annoyed me. (there's one friend of mine - always smells like man product and every time i scent him, i just want to lick him. nothing else about him prompts that reaction, however. i'm just a sucker for a good smell.) i noticed that the serial killer btk looks a lot like an unkempt kelsey grammer and wondered why the tabloid whose cover i saw him on wasn't looking into that as a possible scoop. p.s. isn't that the name of another r&b reincarnation of immature? when i finally got back home, i just sat steaming for a bit in front of the tv.

August 03, 2005


got a bike. it's a nice bike. i like it, anyways. it has a light, but no basket or bell or tassles. so not a perfect bike. but pretty nice, just the same. mat helped me go get it, so i bought him a late. i had chai. but back to the bike. i rode, today, to the library to pick up the latest laurell k. hamilton (completing the series as per what has so far been written). it was a nice ride, but i'm not particualrly stable on my bike, as i haven't ridden since i was about 13. that's a long time of not having to balance on two wheels. i'm still not particualrly smooth on the mount or dismout, or even turning, for that matter. especially turning while riding on the street. you gotta signal with your arm, taking it off the handlebars! that's not easy!but i did not swerve accidentally into traffic, so i count it as okay. i came home and we were supposed to go to the county fair, but that doesn't actually start till friday, so instead, my parents mitakenly dragged me into san jose (reading in the back seat) and made me wander about in full "family" formation as the workers set up the rides and things. i whined and demanded being allowed back into the car to finish my book. done! which also means i have completed the series as it has so far been written, which i find horribly obnoxious, as i like my stories to have endings, dammit! that's pretty much all that's going on now. no work during the week until the temp agency calls to place me. tomorrow i have an eye exam. that's not particularly exciting. my sunburn has lessened into a large peel. the skin makes shucking noises like plastic when i pull at it. i'd now just like to go into the sun and be all one even color, but i don't really see how i could tan normally again. until i fade, at least. sigh. poor shoulders of leprosy. (sunday, when the peeling was fresh, i wandered around the cookware store yelling "leprosy!" and freaking out the customers. actually, i think i had cause to yell it again, watching fantastic 4. dr. doom, hur. it was really bad. the dialogue was so shitty and stilted, but priya and i had a good time mocking it. she's the only person i know who seeks out bad movies as actively as i do with the mocking and laughing at, not with. we also had a lovely conversation over dinner about stargate and firefly. i started getting into the series, though it doesn't have enough silly, yet, to offset the stern "we're all gonna die" of it all. the movie looks really cool, though, can't wait till it comes out. i'm assured that the series gets more amusing, too, so hurrah! oh, and corpse bride looks utterly magical. not in the sappy way they describe disney movies, but the way i say "magical" to mean "freaking awesome, yo!" horray for tim burton, it's about time he came out with another claymation flick. and with that, i'll just leave you with these famous words by pink floyd, because i really am unnaturally excited:

i got a bike, you can ride it if you like
it's got a basket, a bell that rings and things to make it look good
i would give it to you if i could, but i borrowed it

you're the kind of girl that fits into my world;
i'd give you everything - anything if you want things.

was humming snatches of that for the next hour after i bought my bike. whee!