July 08, 2005

wedding bell blues

tonight, i went out to dinner with some friends and an old high school acquaintance who is getting married tomorrow. sitting around the the table, surrounded by my familiar and beloved faces, was just staring at this girl in a veil. really threw me for some reason. last year, another friend of mine got married and it seemed perfectly natural. but she was different. different destiny. sort of white trash-y (pick-up truck, drinking, country music), community college, thing for heavily pierced and tattooed men. she was one of "those other people" who do things like get married at 19 and work mindless lower-eschelon corporate jobs until they die. my friends are the clever ones. they have verve and ambition. they make pollitical jokes loudly over cheesecake and have summer jobs as programmers at yahoo! they are not the common sort of people. and though the girl at dinner was not personally a friend of mine, she was one of "us." the same eccentric style and wit. and she was about to do this horribly adult thing. i can't really even fathom it. i feel so young, and my friends as well. to think that someone my age was getting married seems just so very wrong. had i known her better, i might have yelled, "but you have your whole life ahead of you!" how can you be sure what you even want at this age? yug! i'm fucking twenty, but sometimes i feel like i'm fourteen. and i can't even imagine being married without being an adult first. having: not just a job but a career, an apartment of my own, the knowledge i can support yourself adequately in real-life living sort of situation, a clue, credit, multiple professional-type suit outfits in wardrobe, regular dry cleaners, a liquor cabinet, a coin sorting machine, framed pictures on walls, a well-stocked fridge, etc. me? i'm not even sure what i want to be when i grow up. and frankly, even the prospect of being in any relationship makes some part of me shudder and want to crawl into a corner. at "marriage," though, it just stands blinking in utter confusion, "could you repeat that word again and slower, please - i didn't understand it." i'm not sure if i'll ever be that sort of collected, self-sufficient person known as "adult". but, can't say i'm particularly in a rush. i sort of dread the day i'll be accountable for my own actions and livelihood and all that. why the hell would anyone deliberately get married so young?

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