July 26, 2005

so if temperature is the x axis, and libido is y...

the weather has heated up. am just thrilled about that.

i spent all saturday at the cookware store working in air conditioned clime. it was horrible, people kept coming in off the street and complaining about the lovely heat that i longed to go bask in. finally, when i got off work, i stepped out to revel in the delicious warmth on the way to a nearby deli for some sandwiches. (was going to shakespeare in the park that evening with mother and kat and needed proper fare) as soon as i hit the wonderful heat, i just melted. i became a tropical, flouncey thing, floating in the summer air. and went into the deli. the male clerk was very, very nice to me in an almost obsequious "anything we can do" sort of way. smiled a lot, i recall. also, the only other customer, a man in with his young daughter, was awfully friendly, come to think. the female clerk who fixed my sandwiches wasn't nearly so nice. got sandwiches and left. writhed and crooned in the warm car. when i got home, i looked down and realized that my nipples were a bit pointy. couldn't think of a plausible reason for that, until i realized how much i had been enjoying the warmth. i think i actually might have been turned on by the weather. but i guess that explains why the men were so friendly to me.

i think my new mercury level/libido direct proportion theory is at least partly supported - i have been pretty horny pretty much since the advent of this last heat wave. and i'm reminded of a corrolary period in january abouts when i had no sexual urges at all. (a very depressing period of time.)

after the saturday night shakespeare experience (a rather meek performance of much ado about nothing), i spent sunday at the beach. t'was suegol's birthday celebration and quite fun, even though it was overcast on the coast, with clouds hovering just above the beach but nowhere to be seen just a quarter of a mile inland. i ate rich cake, watched shahin climb up and down a suicidally steep sandstone cliff, got my ankles wet in the freezing surf (not worth it without sun to warm the rest of me), and finished my bad laurell k. hamilton novel. the lack of sunshine made me recklessly bold and i did not wear sunscreen all day. foolish me, i ended up with prickly, red skin and the inability to stand wearing a bra. actually, i think the shade of dusky rose of my back is rather attractive and i don't mind wearing silk scarves as tops, so long as i don't have to make any sudden arm movements or stretches. i haven't begun to peel, yet, and i'm hoping that i avoid that particular sun punishment. fortunatley, i don't have work at the cookware store again until wednesday, so i can do about the house half-dressed as i am with no one staring. of course, with the continued heat wave, i have taken to playing with my breasts absentmindedly while watching tv. y-you see, they get...all bound flat by the scarf that i wear, b-because i have to tie it tight so it stays up, and i'm not wearing a bra, so...so they're all squishy and flat. *bites lip. blushes.* before i left the beach, i lay flat on my belly and poured cool sand onto my back and thighs and then burried my arms, as well. was very nice. tactile. i like beach.

apart from that, everything's been pretty uneventful this week. happy birthday suegol, whose real birthday is tomorrow. and elissa, whose birthday was...some few days ago. yes.

July 18, 2005

epic journies

returned not so terribly long ago from my little weekend la trip for kat's birthday - i only mentioned this to a couple of you. sigh, i suppose it was a rather replete weekend, so much i could say. we drove down friday, taking 101 for the lovely costal view and the avoidance of inland heat. the coast was hazy for long stretches, but it was quite a while before we even reached those regions. i started reading a kiss of shados by laurell k. hamilton aloud on the trip, for kat's enjoyment as well as my own. the writing is not good by any stretch of the imagination and i can best describe its appeal as literary camp. it is just shy of a bodice-ripper, more along the lines of an undersexed goth girl's elaborately thought-out fantasies. it had the same /one woman forced by strange circumstance to sleep with many hot manly men/ fantasy plot device present in compass rose by gail dayton, which i read on the same long drive only a few months ago. all this tells me is that there are very many pining gothy girls out there with belabored prose and overly specific imagery bursting to be free of their tortured breasts. see? i can do it, too, bitches.

we arrived about 9 or 10 in the evening (i'm unsure as i have eschewed wristwatches for the summer) and stopped at whole foods for food and rite aid for liquor. blaize was throwing a party slated to begin at 10, and we were quickly threatening to be late. kat had invited some of her friends, who were more prompt than we were, and she recieved angry phone calls for the hour from 10 to 11 that it took us to show up at amy and elissa's place, eat, and put on our party finery. as so as we were ready, and had stopped at ib's for a little pre-party cocktail (mohitos - nm, not overly fond of drinks mixed with mint), we took out alcoholic purchases and finally made the much-anticipated appearance (at least on kat's side). i met her friends - a former classmate and the ex-boyfriend of an acquaintance both kat and i share, though her relationship with the girl is much more direct. we both imbibed quite a bit throughout the evening, though she had more than i did, and that is the only way i can explain was absurdities ensued.

kat simply grew ill, and apart from spending the later half of the party weakened on blaize's bed, did indelicate things into a plastic bag. i made out with jen fung's ex. backstory: i became aware of the girl in middle school, when she played the much reviled "other woman" to a classmate who was already taken in monogamy (in a rather stomach-churning emasculating way, i might add). oh, and i had a crush on him, as well, and was a ways away from being, but still vaguely, other-womany, myself. this all was very weird twilight-zone six degrees of kevin bacon.

her ex, nick, is a fairly attractive fellow, who says the most absurdly laughable things in aims to seduce, and at the end of the night tried to get me to go home with him. did not succeed. no. now, sure, i must admit that i did make out with him sporadically through the night, but the fact that i tried to escape him several times, mostly with the (very valid and not at all exploitative) excuse of needing to check on katherine. i would get "caught" in other conversations afterwards and simply "become distracted" from seeking him out. but, he'd always find me out again. he was intriguing at first, but anyone who says "i like your style" (leering) and "you're a fucking good kisser" (actually doubtful) without the slightest hint of ironic detachment is not for me. i appreciate praise, of course, but mostly the sort of helplessly (or hopelessly) honest kind, delivered with almost a reluctant compulsion, rather than these unoriginal stock lines delivered without any shame. (jim once said to me "god, you're hard to resist," which i had cause to believe, as, at that time and actually ever since a surprisingly unwise grope while still in a relationship with the now-ex, he'd had an obviously difficult time keeping his hands off of me. was terribly flattered.) at the end of the party, i was able to brush off the guy without even offering my phone number, which i'm sure he found rather confusing and mixed messagey. when he first kissed me (as we were dancing) - and it happened in quite an amusing way, with him asking for permission more along the lines of the morality of having a bit of a drunken party fling after a two-year relationship than a may-i-please-touch-you thing. and obviously, i took it for an even more meaningless party amusement.

i'm now of the impression that more than simply disfunctional - i just have very strange delineations for the types of relationships that i'm willing to interact in. i'll kiss a guy at a party and thing nearly nothing of him, but outside of that sort of situation, i think i'd like a proper relationship. where i can get attached enough to actually want to fuck the guy. there's a big hurdle of trust between my lips and my nether bits.

through my rounds and later, i discovered that quite a few people grew sick at the party, or immediately following. and none of the ones you'd expect. i had a wonderfully bile-free evening, for once, but many of the resident heavyweights or at least the sane drinkers were laid out.

slept at amy and elissa's (alone, hah!) and caught up with a mildly hung-over kat in the morning. she and blaize came by - her to shower, him to have pancakes. he brought the ingredients, but there was no milk to be had, so those plans were foiled, at least until he could get ib's pancake mix (just add water). he made breakfast in amy's kitchen and ib and patty came over for breakfast. i played the old snes aladdin game. and rather poorly.

eventually, we were able to make afternoon plans to go to the beach, but left far too late. blaize, his roommate, some friend of theirs who reminded me vaguely of my aunt sophia - in her youth, before the desperate and unatrractive need to couteract the cosmetic ravages of middle age set upon her, amy, kat, and i made up the party. i had hoped jim would join, but he opted out for some reason unrelayed. we drove a long way to hermosa beach at blaize's insistance and by the time we got there, the sun was hidden behind clouds, and there was no desire to spend time on the actual beach. we had a nice dinner on the peir, but i had really been hoping to sink my feet and hands in the sand. i did get to walk about a hundred yards barefoot in the sand on the way back to the car, but it just wasn't the same as a good proper quiet moment spent, toes curling into the sand and then collapsing to hands and knees, palms digging under until my forearms are burried. then lifting my arms slowly out, by steepening the angle from my shoulders, palms remaining in place, then heels moving apart and body lowered to sitting on the sand. amy had a bit of trouble following blaize to hermosa, mostly due to his inept abilities to lead. she hit a plant, a small, hardy member of the palm family that curled past the curb, while parking and damaged her mirror, dislodging it slightly. we all felt slightly bad. it would have been better to have gone earalier to the aquarium, as i still crave.

that night, after i had progressed further in aladdin, kat and i went to westwood to see charlie and the chocolate factory. on my insistence kat called jim to invite him (i had left my cell phone behind out of sheer empty-pocketed perversity), but he didn't answer so didn't join, and i was again rather disappointed as it seemed i wouldn't be seeing him, then. the movie was incredible, at least in my humble opinion. very campy, with amusingly absurd moments that johnny depp excelled at (poppa?), and just the right bit of irony and dark humor to to keep me delighted. i think i did the shiney-eyed giddy thing all the way through and i came out proclaiming that it was exactly my sense of humor. not everyone liked it, though. i heard one girl complain that she couldn't keep her eyes open all the way through and i wanted to yell at her a bit. i know it's been getting mixed reviews, but i have to say, if you didn't get it, then how can you claim to have any sense of humor. evidently, i define the world by my own, very unyielding, yarstick.

sunday, i woke early and had french honey smacks on elissa's bed with her and amy. (improper syntax, i know.) they had the happy frog on the box, but the cereal was wheaty puffs filled with chocolate. yummy and horribly addicting. completed my aladdin game and packed up. after lunch, kat and i made our leave. didn't really see anyone but the two girls for goodbyes. i felt a bit bad about that, because i'm not going to be seeing anyone else for a couple of months, but can't feel too sad if they were inaccessable. we had the typical 5+ hour drive up highway 5. stopped in humid, cow-scented fresno for gas and ice cream, eaten melting in the car to escape the bovine smell heavy in the air. for the entire trip, i read aloud from the lovely horrid novel and got home around 8. mum fed me, i finished my book, prepared my lesson for tomorrow, and wrote this long missive. excuse the typos please, i'm not going to proof tonight. i must to bed or i'll never be able to face the children in the morning. am terribly eager not to.

i must somehow get ahold of half-blood prince and the sequel to my horibly gothy romance. also, remember not to cuss the kids. man.

July 10, 2005


all yesterday and today, i've had the urge to call people "baby." more specifically, i've had the urge to call people "baby" and then demand that others not put them in corners. this rather peculiar inclination is even extended to my neighbor's cat, calvin, who i am currently watching in her absence. i don't know why dirty dancing is suddenly asserting such a strong influence on my life. perhaps in the zodiac of the cinema, the cosmic film reel is in my second house and the bucket of popcorn is in retrograde, meaning that the house of swayze is on the rise. or else the dancing concessions hot dog is eclipsed by the preiviews rating sign, which means that the star of 80's dance movies is exposed to exert its influence in my fifth house. whatever it is causing my rather sudden and powerful obsession, it is freaking me out a little, yeah.

i fear i have a terrible confession to make. my toenails are painted a dark teal. yes, my virgin toes have been deflowered and now gleam wantonly in seductive hues. i got my nails done yesterday and my fingers are already chipping. i'm so not an elegant lady.

went to work today, and am going tomorrow. at the cookware store. it's been quite busy. next week i begin a whole new session with the children. three classes of strange new children i must entertain, and all three of them are completely full. i fear the unknown. and i fear it in large quantities, especially! i literally had a sudden chill sitting on the couch tonight when i remembered my less friendly job among the youngsters. that's two more weeks of lesson plans and power point. crossword puzzles and photocopies. man, i hate teaching. but i keep repeating to myself $35/hour, $35/hour and feel a little bit more comforted.

i'm spooked a little, but i should be alright, i mean, i got through it once pretty unscathed, i can do it again. and besides, nobody puts baby in the corner. nobody.

July 08, 2005

wedding bell blues

tonight, i went out to dinner with some friends and an old high school acquaintance who is getting married tomorrow. sitting around the the table, surrounded by my familiar and beloved faces, was just staring at this girl in a veil. really threw me for some reason. last year, another friend of mine got married and it seemed perfectly natural. but she was different. different destiny. sort of white trash-y (pick-up truck, drinking, country music), community college, thing for heavily pierced and tattooed men. she was one of "those other people" who do things like get married at 19 and work mindless lower-eschelon corporate jobs until they die. my friends are the clever ones. they have verve and ambition. they make pollitical jokes loudly over cheesecake and have summer jobs as programmers at yahoo! they are not the common sort of people. and though the girl at dinner was not personally a friend of mine, she was one of "us." the same eccentric style and wit. and she was about to do this horribly adult thing. i can't really even fathom it. i feel so young, and my friends as well. to think that someone my age was getting married seems just so very wrong. had i known her better, i might have yelled, "but you have your whole life ahead of you!" how can you be sure what you even want at this age? yug! i'm fucking twenty, but sometimes i feel like i'm fourteen. and i can't even imagine being married without being an adult first. having: not just a job but a career, an apartment of my own, the knowledge i can support yourself adequately in real-life living sort of situation, a clue, credit, multiple professional-type suit outfits in wardrobe, regular dry cleaners, a liquor cabinet, a coin sorting machine, framed pictures on walls, a well-stocked fridge, etc. me? i'm not even sure what i want to be when i grow up. and frankly, even the prospect of being in any relationship makes some part of me shudder and want to crawl into a corner. at "marriage," though, it just stands blinking in utter confusion, "could you repeat that word again and slower, please - i didn't understand it." i'm not sure if i'll ever be that sort of collected, self-sufficient person known as "adult". but, can't say i'm particularly in a rush. i sort of dread the day i'll be accountable for my own actions and livelihood and all that. why the hell would anyone deliberately get married so young?

July 06, 2005

warm summer, cold

i'm sick. horrible summer cold. unfortunately, or possibly the opposite, it's not one of those colds (at least not yet) with lots of horrid symptoms and physical feelings of ik. noooo...it's all in my head. sure, my throat is a bit achey, but that's definitively copable. i just feel listless and irritable. unable to focus, heady-headed, and very sleepy. many headaches. big dose of apathy. and the feeling that i've been run over by the shit van.

okay, so i admit "irritable' is not a usual cold symptom, but i do have a cold. swear.

that being the case, i am anti-looking forward to going in to teach class tomorrow. and preparing my materials for the next session of classes that begins next monday. oh, hurrah, i get to start all over with another batch of kids whose names i won't remember, either. i need to re-tool my classes to be interesting.

you know what this cold is like? it feels as if i am stuck with that leaden-headed feeling you get, having just gotten up from a heavy nap, and am walking around all day with it. i'm actually almost fine standing up and moving around, but the second i settle into one position, be it in the car to drive, or at the dinner table, i start drifting deep into the depths of my fuzzy, addled brain fur. sigh, it's my bed time now. must wake up and deal with the kiddies once more. i'll probably come up with the lesson for my first class while in the shower tomorrow morning. heaven help me if i'm too exhausted and dense to bullshit. at least the other two are taken care of - watching movies, hurrah, and i just need to guard against falling asleep in my seat.

July 02, 2005

i left my heart

mmm, yes! love this place so much. teaching is going alright. my classes are kinda dull, but my kids think i'm cool. i can live with that. had an "incident" in one of my classes, turns out one of the kids involved is autistic and no one told me. stupid people. why not warn the inexperienced teacher that she might have some coddling to do? turns out, i handled things perfectly, though, to which i say "hah!" thursday after work, went to my old place of employment to hang out with the 7th grade daughter of my co-worker. thought it was amusing that i deliberately went to hang out with a kid after a day of teaching them. picked up some eclairs for my parents at a farmer's market, stopped at an antiques store looking for a birthday present for kat, and went out to dinner with my parents. i wore my nice heels and a skirt and felt fancy. dinner was nice - not great - and we were joined by a work acquaintance of my father's and her adult friends at the restaurant. we were there to hear a flamenco band play live, but it was more two guitarists and latin jazz. yesterday, my day off, went to matt's in the afternoon to play wow on his computer. terminator 2 was on in the background and he poked meto get my attention. my druid cow-lady is now at level 6! (hehehe, so geek.) had dinner with my fam and went to the mall to get a bra. got 2 out of weakness and semiannual sale and went to meet my friends at cheesecake factory next door. nearly the whole group was there - suegol, sadaf, clarence, shahin, and yen, as well as sadaf's little cousin. we ate lovely cake andappetisers and laughed raucously. yen and i pulled out my new acquisitions and held them up for inspection in the crowded restaurant. i dropped sadaf and her cousin at home and shahin, clarence, and yen picked me up at my place for a drive. we visited the san jose airport and inspected the "monster construction" signs, drove pell-mell around san jose looking for the source of a sweeping beacon of light (trendy nightclub), and yen and shahin, in an unprecedented explosion of anti-pc behavior, discussed their least-favorite ethnic groups loudly and with much invective. it wa hilarious. got dropped back at home and went to bed. today, took mom to the farmer's market here. there were some old men playing the blues and singing under a deck umbrella and i really dug it. then shahin picked me up and we went to sf. ate chowder on fisherman's wharf and ice cream in ghirdellli square. hiked up steep streets to the koit tower and stared at the lovely view of the bay bridge. went the wrong way on some one-way streets and lucked out on parking costs once we were able to finally find parking. there's a giant inexplicable bow-and-arrow statue beside embarcadero by the piers. and the gap headquarters. and the aquarium of the bay, which is now added to my list of 'quarious i'd like to eventually visit. but first must arrange a group to go to monterey. anyway, had a lovely-ful time. sf is totally one of my favorite places (add to list with monterey). it's all my home. and i love every inch of it.