May 22, 2005

star wars spoiler alert

things happened this weekend but i'm going to forgo all storytelling blather to give my very own, and needlessly redundant review of star wars movie: new. i read olympia's review here, which is scathing and full of hate, and thought, eh, she makes some good points. but, when asked about it, myself, i pause and squelch out a sad little, "it wasn't bad," which is far from rave, but here goes.

it wasn't bad.

not to say that it was exactly good. like luke would desperately like to believe that leia is not his sister, i would have loved it if the movie were remarkable. but she is, and the movie was far from magic.

my vast favorite of the series is empire strikes back, as it should be yours, and if you have any taste, i imagine it is. hoth, yay hoth. yay big furry llama things. yay paternal revelations (that was this one, right?). yay carbonite. but even in the original series, you can see lucas' creativity just puff out with return of the jedi. ewok party anyone? ewok songs? and is anyone familiar with the ill-received christmas special? frankly, it is evident lucas' ability to write a quality star wars franchise ended with empire. and so, seeing the "first" episode all those years ago, i was a bit irked at the asinine characters: blue arab beetle trader, jar-jar - they're ewoks made with computers. at least the newest one because it had no gratuitous child-amusing fluff characters that made me want to bleed from my head.

olympia complains that general grievous (seriously, what's with the name? sinestro taken?) was a skinny 5th element guardian, the tentacle robots, matrix sentinels, etc. i'm not sure that i would go so far to accuse lucas of ripping off those characters if i didn't notice that the tall tentacle-headed jedi chick was shockingly similar to...luxans, i think...from farscape. and obi-wan's lizard/bird mount? the exact same cgi used to make harry potter hippogriffs, just flattened out and set to "spaz."

the cgi, as usual annoyed me. i'm almost always annoyed by cgi. it feels like cheating. such a fan of ray harryhousend, you can understand my total reverence of painstakingly crafted special effects. this whole highly-rendered, entirely computerized background, and all the little spookily liquid-jointed characters grate on me. when something can be created in real life, please, regardless of cost, go that way. i'm still pissed that they make jabba fully cgi in a new hope, when he's a puppet in the other two films. and yoda. new yoda makes me want to pull out a giant flyswatter, as much as i love him.

besides, as part of a trilogy, shouldn't the technology used in the films be at least similar? even the technology within the film (another of olympia's gripes that i share), should that have been scaled down a little bit? i know, modern audience expects dramatic swishy fights, robots going zoom, and all the rest, but come on. anakin, fought so much more dynamically than supposedly more powerful vadar. yoda became hobbly. and luke fought like he was wielding a broadsword. now, yoda is tiny flipping absinthe fairy. that is not the yoda i love.

and they did push his silly little yoda-isms too far in this one. less wise little cackling bugger than foreigner in desperate need of berlitz tapes. on the other hand, i don't have much complaint with the dialogue in general. it wasn't brilliant, but at least the love scenes didn't make me gag. and i think i did actually get little shiver when obi-wan yelled at melting anakin "you were the chosen one, dammit." it was nice they broke out james earl jones to do vadar's voice in the end, i can imagine that anakin's vocal chords were seared or something during the whole jedi-costumes-need-asbestos-lining scene, but the effect was spoiled by the fact that he still sounded a bit like a whinging teen. "what, i like totally killed her? no, i couldn't have, like totally out of the question, man. yo. noooo!!"

and does anyone else thing it was almost amusingly easy to make lukedaddy switch sides? i can cheat death? sweet, yo! sign me up, nucka. but speaking about "too fucking easy" - the ending? yoda going, "i have plan for you in the desert, we can talk to the dead, wow"? that was so fugging unnecessarily pat.

but, no, it wasn't bad per se. can't be worse than its merchandizing. going to have to start referring to him as george "putas" lucas. i swear, darth vadar-inspired slurpee makes me want to injure myself. it's depressing, really, watching lucas continue to ass-rape his cash cow. but i'd buy a set of the dvd's if he re-re-released the origingals without his edits. i suppose that makes me a punter, then.


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