May 01, 2005

moods swinging with slight chance of rain

long week of manic mood swings. happy, not happy, stressed, depressive, angry, apathetic. the exact order of all that is irrelevant, and a very complicated story. but the main driving forces are stresses about money and the lab internship. i fucked up in the lab and will probably be assigned to a new, less expensive project. but that won't pay. and my savings have momentarily dipped below $100 to my extreme panic. i have a check i can cash, but i'm going to have to call home and demand money for june. but i'm still very full of stress. and i'm a bit upset about the lab thing, i'm a bit sad. there's also...two more things. that i'd rather not talk about as they involve various friends. stress-wise, big bads. mental demons, so to speak. but i've accepted one rather quickly, the other is still...bad bad bad. visceral, and it's something i should have gotten over ages ago. me and my fucking brain. i'd rather talk about the good things.

last friday, went to blaize's roommate's birthday party. drank quite a bit and threw up when i got back to my place. made it to the toilet in time, but it was unfortunately closed. laughed about his later, but at the time, all i could do was clean up as best as i could and go to bed. the next day i scrubbed thoroughly and properly, with lots of antiseptic. spent the first bit of my week studying for a pair of midterms monday and wednesday. went in on mon to see the lab people about what i was going to do, and found out i had mislabeled some samples as positive and wasted a bunch of their time in re-running gels and things. wednesday watched blade: trinity weds with kat, blaize, and jim. i was feeling a little down, but had done nicely on my midterm that morning and had been looking forward to hanging around the apartment drinking and watching a movie with kat. instead, blaize came by and sort of co-opted the evening. we had overcooked steak at his place and went to jim's to see the movie. it was absurd. kat and i mocked it all the way through, as we do. until jim, much less fun, snapped and started yelling at me, "yes, we all know you're smart. oh so much smarter than the movie. now could you just shut up!" which was absurd yelling, as he thinks it's a ridiculously bad movie as well. i flipped him off calmly and continued. went through bout of depression later that night and read myself to sleep with my lovely book, a sequel to eyre affaire, and just as charming. thursday had another meeting with the lab people. i'm on a bit of hiatus after the last faux pas as mentioned before. the stress about the meeting had me dreaming horrible anxiety dreams about pipetting and pouring gels in some sort of carnival. actually, all my stressors were there to torment me in proper uppity subconscience fashion. went to see hitchhiker's guide friday with the same movie group as earlier. bonded with a young girl (seven years) in the theater before everyone joined me inside. sat happily giggling at the film and the mood i had been carrying the past couple of days dropped away. nice movie, well done apart from the overdone sappy love bit. ib's birthday party was later that night and i met two entirely new boys and spent most of the party chatting up. how uncharacteristic. i also spilled sangria on a boy's shoes, kat knocked a drink out of my hand and onto the carpet. come to think of it, the guy i spilled on helped clean that first mess up, too. he left and i moved on to a pole vaulter who had been in one of my classes last quarter. hehehe, pole vaulter. best part of the party was definitely the massive cooler full of mixed drink. fruit wedges floating in dark red pool nearly up to the lip. yesterday, watched shaun of the dead, which i thought was very amusing until the sad bit and then amusing again, and watched dune. was disappointed as usual at the missing scenes (from television movie versions) not in the dvd. (dvd!!!! arg!) today did masses of laundry, including clothing with wine splashes, clothing with soy sauce splashes (dropped soy sauce tub on myself), bathroom rug with vomit splashes. spent the rest of my time utterly unproductive and still in a bit of a panicked funk. it's been sunny but cool all week to my consternation. all i need is a good heat wave to pick me right up, i think. but forecast predicts showers. so if you see me this week, bags under my eyes, thin lips, and haunted stare, be kind. i'm probably trapped in brooding mood. hugs appreciated.

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