May 29, 2005

filth

i hate everything so hard right now. my kitchen is a mess. but beyond the mess, the sink is backed up. backed up and beyond the help of liquid plumber. dishes are fucking everywhere, caked and crusted with old food. burned-on-the-bottom food. the counters and stovetop are filty. all i want to do its clean. i want to clean so badly, all i can do is obsess over how badly i want to clean. it has become a physical need to tidy my surroundings. yet i can't. can't because of the fucking unfixable sink. i'm obsessing. i'm going to have to talk to the landlord tomorrow, and a plumber will need to be called and the sink will need to be fixed and only then, then can i clean. i am going crazy now. i just want the entire thing to be done with. every time i see my kitchen this way, something inside me dies a little. and i haven't eaten all day. i had a pita and a couple bites of ice cream (out of the carton with a fork). i'm just going to go to bed. become unconscious until i can deal with the problem again and have it all fixed. i swear, though, if i dream about dishes, i'm going to start injuring myself. good night.

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