March 28, 2005

home and stone

the drive home wasn't bad - the parents were in a good mood at first, but dad progressively soured until i couldn't stand it any longer and buried myself in a book and headphones. it was a lovely sunshiny day and the hills were gorgeous and brilliantly green with bare gorges cutting through the grass and bright mustard flowers peeked through, in some places solidly yellow. we drove up the coast and for a while i just sat looking out the windows voraciously soaking up the view. we stopped at various towns along the way: mariposa, santa barbara, and mom stepped out to try and make more sales. no luck until sb, were she sold some furs to a shop i found in an ad. i changed into my sexy new halter in the car and wore it despite the slight wind-chill. we got home after dark and i had to finish my book by the light of laptop glow. got home and was still bouncey-bouncey. yen picked me up and we went to suegol's where we had dinner and watched boondock saints. matt was already there and shahin came afterwards. the movie, which i watched all the way through for the first time, was fabulous and sexy. i kept going into unintelligible little babbles due to the gorgeous tattooed irish men. and willem dafoe was awesome, as well, so i had a grand old time. the only downer was the ending, which annoyed me a little bit; stupid badly-acted interviews. yesterday i just stayed indoors. finally got a thorough night's sleep and only went out for a quick shop. i was supposed to hang out with kim, but didn't want to, so i inelegantly blew her off, claiming exhaustion. i did go to bed early - midnight, which is early for me at least - and slept well for a while. but here's the thing, i woke up inexplicably at (i can only assume) 5 am, my mind racing. it was one of those big revelation moments you can't resist but must ride out. so what did i figure out, eh? mystery...

i've never felt quite myself in la, something always seems to be missing. i get up into the top two inches of my head, does that make sense? the longer i stay there, the more scattered, confused, and flighty i become. and i realized, i lose my depth. i get higher and higher up into myself. but i am back home. i'm complete here, centered in my hips, with all my reasoning faculties intact. i always felt heady there but couldn't figure out how, i took to saying my power base was here, but it's more like my roots. everything back in la feels so impermanent, i'm uprooted - i'm only in my sorrily unfurnished apartment till summer, classes last a quarter, work...even my la friends feel temporary, like i won't keep them past college. (i've always felt my friends back home were mine (as in belong to me - my pack), the ones at school aren't mine.) it's sad, but it's what i've been feeling, without being able to explain it. until returning to my depths, that is. after all of this, i had the image of a well as a metaphor for home. a circle of rough uncovered stacked stones going down into blackness. school is a...nothing, an impermanence, and that's not the way it should be, but it's leaving me in an awkward state. and if you're one of my la friends, meh, sorry.

afterwards, i was finally able to go to sleep. today, i showered, made french toast, and walked all over hometown. bought some cds, scoped out board game prices, went to the bank, the library, and a thrift store. came home, dinner, and watched stargate for hours. whee! i'm supposed to meet the people for a movie, but it's getting late. but good times in my hood.


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