March 09, 2005


i woke up this morning completely exhausted. understandable, as i was up till 4 this morning, mostly at the library with blaize writing my essay. it is very strange studying in the library, but with headphones and a squashy chair, it wasn't quite as scary as i expected the study environment to be. i finished my essay and was pretty happy because i ended up making some sort of salient point in it which is good. i think my thesis turned out to be "blake is better than wordsworth." thing is, i phrased it better there. at some point after he and i left the library to get snacks, blaize told me i was the type of person they make movies about. i was oddly flattered. i took it to mean quirky and interesting. i hope he means that sort of movie, amilie or something, rather than horror slasher. he might have just been foreshadowing the fact that he's going to stalk me and slowly and gruesomely kill off all of my friends - which i'll have to watch out for now. some point shortly after i woke up this morning, i discovered that my essay was due yesterday by 4. i was completely stricken. kept going into paroxysms of, "if only i had checked this earlier, stupid! stupid!" got ready for class hurriedly. i found myself repeatedly looking in the mirror and giving myself glares of disapprobation. i realized at some point that i was actually checking my reflection for some sort of change - any physical manifestation of my own idiocy. as if i expected some sort of biological reaction to take place, a cellular revolt at my own poor judgment. at first, i rather expected i would look in the mirror and suddenly find myself uglier, but i simply looked a bit tired and disappointed, my usual features intact. then it evolved into me searching my face for some sort of more concrete display of my stupidity. the moles on my face suddenly rearranging to spell the word "moron." would have been a start. didn't happen, to both my disappointment and pleasure. sent an e-mail to my ta explaining the mistake and asking if there was any way to recoup the points. went to class and turned in the essay late, mentioned it to my ta, who was kind, but unable to really act. he offered to talk to the professor with me, which i thought was quite nice, but we agreed to see about the essay itself first. had my typical long day of class, which i went through in a deep tired funk. had some coffee, but that did me little good. i kept fantasizing about sitting quietly somewhere and being hugged. watched a horrid movie version of the master of ballatree which diverged so far from the book, that all i could do was loudly proclaim "bullshit!" to my professor's mild consternation, i'm afraid. it's a total pet peeve of mine, movies based on books that differ wildly in the storyline, and boy, did this one ever. i did spend a bit of time in the bookstore. i ended up perusing a collection of poetry by borges. i've resolved to buy it, as it has lovely translations of everything in the original spanish as well as english. his poetry is lovely interesting, and it's exactly the sort of volume i need, being completely out of practice in the language. also, my vocabulary just isn't that good, and i keep losing words. i did have a lovely time walking back from campus with yen, she was very animated and crazy, as ususal. she was proclaiming loudly that she hated the irish because, "they've got no jawlines," which is the most absurd and arbitrary cultural stereotype i've ever heard. though now firmly implanted in my mind. when i got back to the apartment, i went straight to bed and napped for about 5 hours. woke up in still a depression. i ought to fix myself something to eat, as all i've ingested today is water and coffee. perhaps blood sugar will improve my mood. but really, i'm betting on time - it'll just trail out eventually - or a prolonged bout of being hugged - which is just very unlikely to occur.


At 8:31 PM, Blogger Sadaf said...

*hugs*!! Things will be okay, i promise. :)


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