March 26, 2005

fear and self-loathing in los angeles

let me tell you of my finals week. started out alright, only mildly stressful. friday i had my lit final which i think went very well. got back my paper - the late one - and i had done horribly, but no points were taken off for it being late. i was at once relieved and shamed. it was sort of an "i suck" moment, but quickly cast off. that night i went to dinner with my parents. some diner and i had 50's food - gigantic burger, fries, black and white milkshake (because i support integration) - and felt high caloric. saturday i visited the fasioh showcase. mom's gonna get me a really cute backless halter top that i can't wear with a bra. it's fabulous and stetchy tight with little string bits in the back. tre sexy. after that, i pretty much settled down to learn. did biology primarily through wenesday, apart from the slacking and the ice cream cravings. weds at 5:30, the shit hit the fan - i discovered suddenly that the biology midterm i was so dedicatedly studying for was the 22nd, not the 24th as i had thought. wednesday was the 23rd, so you can imagine my horror and shock. i went through all the stages of panic: disbelief, horror, and self-loathing. now, while i developed my mirror obsession after i forgot my paper, this time i just sank into the self-loathing like a fish to water. ran to campus to the life sciences core office, asked what could be done. except i couldn't get into the building. had to go through the nursing school, over a landbridge and across the bearing straight to get all the way to the life sciences building. i was lost at one point, but fortunately for me, a singing black janitor was crooning in my direction. i asked him for directions to the building and he mislead me. i did eventually find my way, despite his obsequeous aid. the office was open and attended - by a snarky gay man who looked at frumpy me like i was a complete annoyance. he answered my questions and i went to find my professors' offices. the first had already left and i headed back into the maze that is the life science buildings. i had my professor's room numbers scrawled on my wrist. i thought my prof's office was by molecular sciences, but on my wrist it said ####chs (ms looks like hs sloopily written on my flesh). chs is career health sciences: maze, so i got lost again. the janitor spotted me again, still singing and insisted on directing me once again. again wrongly. desperate, i walked into a strange lab, asking to use a computer. nice man with stubble let me use his laptop and gave me useful directions out of the building, hurrah! found my prof's room with the help of the computer info, showed up, but he had JUST left, his collegue informed me. admirably holding back tears of panic, i sat down to write a letter which i slipped under his door... went back home and wrote my other prof (same class, 2 teachers) and my ta e-mails and went to bed at 1:30 because i couldn't stand the anxious pressure. the next morning, i woke up at 9 and again at 10 without alarm clock help, all anxious. checked my e-mail and prof #2 said i couldn't take make-up final, but he sympathized...whoo, sympathy. but i was till anxiously awaiting responses from the other prof and my ta. since i didn't hear back and it was 1 pm (so impatient) i went to campus. found my ta's lab using kung-fu skills, and by walking into random labs and asking for help. asked him about etc. he had contacted my prof, was pushing the "incomplete" grade which was a better option than "f - no final" satisfied, but still freaked out, i went home. was alone and depressed in the partment as everyone had left, so i took shower. got out of shower and oh, called my parents and told them about the missed final. fuun. so much fun that i decided to nap. when i woke up, again due to anxiety, i had an e-mail from prof #2 - i could get the incomplete, hurrah! got jim to drive me to campus to visit the lab (had to get dressed, because carla lounging around in the apartment is inappropriate garb for carla leaving apartment)
went to campus, found the lab (without room # this time - just used memory) and once again, he had left. graaaah!!! but i spent the rest of the evening in a better mood, not wearing any underwear, which contributed greatly to the good mood. blaize came by and i fed him, because all the chicken breasts in the freezer were far to large for me to finish alone. wrote two essays and couldn't sleep a wink. i lay in bed awake for unpleasant hours before finally drifting off and on again until i couldn't stand it any longer. at 5:30 some horrible sleepy-voiced girl called the apartment thinking i was the coffee bean. i might have cussed at her, i'm not sure. this afternoon i got jim to drive me to campus again, and again i had trouble getting into the building, finally succeeded, and was rebuffed once again by an empty office. frustrated, i returned to my apartment to finish up the last of my essays. when i got back, i changed back into my lovely indoor clothes. did a nice striptease to the dandy warhols' "not if you were the last junkie on earth," which was lovlier and dorkier than you could ever imagine and half the time i couldn't dance through the giggles. dressed again and wearing undies, i walked to borders to get page numbers for my citations and bought a book. walked back. i was entirely unaware of how much nervous energy i really had pent up until i did that. was skipping almost all the way both ways and i'm still jumpy. but it's good to have gotten out. three days of abject panic pent up in me and i either needed a good exercise or a good fuck, and i'm sure as hell not getting fucked. polished off my essays and printed - there's no sound sexier than completed essays slipping into a manila folder, rrrr... so now i am sitting on my couch, finally finished and more or less concluded, drinking a screwdriver and watching dr. goldfoot and the bikini machine. i drive up early tomorrow with my parents, which sounds like it will be a truely horrible ordeal. but my new book should soothe me a little. and if that doesn't work, i'll remove my panties at some rest stop along the way. freeballin' allways fills me with whimsey, even during the worst of times.

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