March 15, 2005

colorful, at least in personality

i've been all over the place the past few days, emotionally: happy, depressed, happy again, then sort of shiftless and's getting old. last night i went to bed early because i was feeling entirely incpable of work. was laying in bed at some obscenely early hour - 11 or something - and feeling, well, very lonely and strange. i just lay there in the dark with my very strange thoughts. couldn't exactly fall asleep, either. i drifted in and out of this perfectly relaxed vaguely dreamy state wherein i was still aware, i could feel how comfortable i was, but my mind was elsewhere in some sort of prince of persia-type dream fantasy. running on walls, scimitar fights, balloon pants, you know the drill. i kept being jarred out of it by loud noises or my own sometimes too loud thoughts. i did eventually fall into the same sort of strange fitfull half-sleep i had the night before. got up at 11 and felt inexplicably gloomy. i wanted to wear bright colors, but somehow chickened out of my lovely garish shirt and ended up in a more subdued tank top that didn't fit my mood as well. i left without eating anything and walked to campus listening to coal chamber and blinking in the light. had a three-hour review session in my biology discussion, which i got some very useful notes from, but more importantly, snacks. i had a donut, fritos, and soda for breakfast, which i'm afraid did not soothe me at least, though they did give me the blood sugar boost to be up for subsequent efficiency. i had brought my laptop to class and in one of my little unconscious moments, hugged it closer to me protectively when my ta voiced his admiration. i also may or may not have given him a scared little pouty look. after class, it was more coal chamber, which became the absolute perfect soundtrack to my afternoon and i regretted not going with scary bright colorful shirt (that always makes kat laugh at me) - i was thinking, "if i had only worn the colors, my energies would be perfect right now."

***i know, i'ts very new-agey to be talking about energy, etc. but i think i really am sensitive to colors. maybe it's a girly thing, but i firmly believe that the right oufit can pull you right out of a bad mood. or the right song, but that's much more difficult for me to find. but the outfit is easty. today it was a red bra, teal panties, pink orange and blue shirt, and jeans. that's enough color to snap anyone out of a gloom. and now i don't know what i'm going to do for tomorrow. i might have missed my chance to wardrobe my way out it - i'm out of really loud underwear, and without that, what's the point, really?***

i went to the library, amazed that i wasn't chiming, the way my internals felt, and looked up where on campus the english reading room is. went to the english reading room, got a book and read through the supplementals for "research." made some photocopies, ran to another library to put more money on my photocopy card, smiled at the pierced desk guy (who i think is in my english class), made more copies, and returned home. i spent the rest of the afternoon in sloth and ineffectualness. compulsively checking my buddy list to see if anyone i wanted to talk to was there. had the hugest rush of warm fuzzies when chris and i had a little conversation, which is both sweet and horribly sad - i really need to find a guy who lives in this state. in particularly upsetting moments, i consider accosting jim once again, but that would be bad. bad, but difficult to get out of my head, unfortunately. i'm just dying to get back home where i can return to my power base. not in an android sense. i think that once i'm on my own footing, my energy - and mood - will return to normal. either that, or in about a month i'll be mauling people on the street. i'd like to not be all scary drooling snarling fangs and teeth tiger person rawr kill. one thing to say about mental instability, it's good for vague spurts of random inspiration. only i have 3 essays to write, so i don't have the clear conscience needed to follow through any story ideas at the moment.

ah, on a side note...did watch brazil yesterday. thought it was brilliant funny and strange. mostly strange. i don't know, something about it made me not love it as well as i might, but i thought it funny that it had elements of naked lunch. very reminiscent of free state and all the dr. benway bits. i think...i almost wish they had pushed the movie further, but of course, i'm just a huge fan of surrealism. actually, i would have loved it if they had just taken it in a direction entirely like the 5000 fingers of dr. t and kept having flashbacks of that while i watched this movie. kept expecting escher-like staircases and people and elephants propped up on precarious dali stilts. or else the ducts, which snaked everywhere like some pervasive industrial circulatory system, to come alive and walk around. people with ducts emerging from their limbs, walls suddenly being torn down and forced through to make room for more and more ducts, lots of duct possibilities untried.

ah, but everything here is just slightly off. for example, my tears, even, are strange. i yawn and instead of nice, clear, runny tears, i'm met with viscous eye-goo that does not nicely blink away and is only meant for just after you have woken up or when your contacts are dry. i think i'm still having faint allergic reaction to my apartment as well and i'm completely unmotivated. i am hoping home will restore me.


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