March 18, 2005

busy, likely malnourished, and pessimistic

utterly sick of poetry. i've finally finished reviewing for my lit final, though god only knows what sort of good it will do me. i'm generally pretty confident, though, as i tend to do well in literary situations under pressure. i went through all my famous poets and re-read (or in some cases read for the first time) the pieces and took notes on style and message. now, to remember the names at the time of the test.... at midnight, the finals yell of frustration into the night began, today fueled by st. patty's day liquor and went on in it's excess fervor for a while, annoying me out of my study. there were some over-zealous boys in my building or the next who hollared and hollared until i wanted to throw a shoe. bit diappointed i had to miss any drunken revelries tonight, however school comes first (though at the last minute). snacked pretty steadily throughout the evening and we are dangerously low on food. our fridge will soon contain nothing more than condiments and i will have to beg for my supper. i'm not sure exactly what i will do after tuesday, when kat returns home and i am left to fend for myself dinner-wise. i hate cooking if i'm going to be the only one enjoying the result for some strange reason, and if i'm not going to be starving, then i had better entertain constantly or i'll not eat out of sheer laziness and depression. short inventory of proper foodstuffs: cereal, plenty of pasta, quite a few frozen chicken breasts and one last salmon filet, one or two frozen waffles, 5 eggs, cheese, tortillas, carrots, potatoes (beginning to sprout), ramen, and about 5 slices of bread. i suppose i could do the college thing and just eat a bunch of meal components alone - not cook something proper, but this is supposed to last me until friday and i would like some vegetables. or, perhaps...carrot omlettes? i might have to relent and go pick up a head of lettuce or something at the supermarket, just so i don't get scurvvy and die within the next week. on another note, my parents are in la for a fashion show (they got here yesterday in a rather frightening dream-prophesy coincidence) and they might be good for a meal on the town, if we could decide on a place. on the other hand, i'm not sure they want to drive all the way out to west la for a visit nor if i'll have the time for a proper sit-down restaurant meal. rather depressing, really. i'm still vaguely desperate for company (boredom does this to me) and while reading all day, i was praying for the phone to ring or for a knock at the door. alas, such are not my friends. besides, it would be bad to have distractions. (tear) i still have 3 essays to write and a biology final to cram for. there's also a scholarship application due the same day as my last final. i would like to apply so as to not feel like such a horrible shiftless person, however i'm not sure i have the time (cop-out). also, i would need to spend quite a bit of time picking the brain of the guy whose lab i will be working in next quarter. he's very good-natured, but he makes me uneasy for some reason and i'm not sure why. i feel antsy and a bit overeager when talking to him and i dislike that role. i think it's the fact that he's very laid-back and doing me a big favor giving me a lab position, getting me a grant, suggesting a scholarship and i feel as if i should show gratitude, but that bouces off of him in an odd way and i start to feel loud and grating. i will try again, ask for another favor - letter of rec - and try, this time, to be myself. i will almost assuredly laugh a bit to loud and long at something not particularly funny in my attempt to seem friendly and will leave grimacing and feeling as if i need to scratch off a layer of second skin. if i'm clever, i can do everything in the right amount of time, get a's in all my classes, be accepted into program, and become crowned queen of efficiency within the next week. more likely is that i will become completely noctournal, watch far too much television, do mediocre job in everything, let my scholarship deadline pass, and finally be consumed with self-loathing which i will quell after everything is done by buying a book to read on my flight home. i wish i did not know myself so well. well, goodnight.

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