March 28, 2005

home and stone

the drive home wasn't bad - the parents were in a good mood at first, but dad progressively soured until i couldn't stand it any longer and buried myself in a book and headphones. it was a lovely sunshiny day and the hills were gorgeous and brilliantly green with bare gorges cutting through the grass and bright mustard flowers peeked through, in some places solidly yellow. we drove up the coast and for a while i just sat looking out the windows voraciously soaking up the view. we stopped at various towns along the way: mariposa, santa barbara, and mom stepped out to try and make more sales. no luck until sb, were she sold some furs to a shop i found in an ad. i changed into my sexy new halter in the car and wore it despite the slight wind-chill. we got home after dark and i had to finish my book by the light of laptop glow. got home and was still bouncey-bouncey. yen picked me up and we went to suegol's where we had dinner and watched boondock saints. matt was already there and shahin came afterwards. the movie, which i watched all the way through for the first time, was fabulous and sexy. i kept going into unintelligible little babbles due to the gorgeous tattooed irish men. and willem dafoe was awesome, as well, so i had a grand old time. the only downer was the ending, which annoyed me a little bit; stupid badly-acted interviews. yesterday i just stayed indoors. finally got a thorough night's sleep and only went out for a quick shop. i was supposed to hang out with kim, but didn't want to, so i inelegantly blew her off, claiming exhaustion. i did go to bed early - midnight, which is early for me at least - and slept well for a while. but here's the thing, i woke up inexplicably at (i can only assume) 5 am, my mind racing. it was one of those big revelation moments you can't resist but must ride out. so what did i figure out, eh? mystery...

i've never felt quite myself in la, something always seems to be missing. i get up into the top two inches of my head, does that make sense? the longer i stay there, the more scattered, confused, and flighty i become. and i realized, i lose my depth. i get higher and higher up into myself. but i am back home. i'm complete here, centered in my hips, with all my reasoning faculties intact. i always felt heady there but couldn't figure out how, i took to saying my power base was here, but it's more like my roots. everything back in la feels so impermanent, i'm uprooted - i'm only in my sorrily unfurnished apartment till summer, classes last a quarter, work...even my la friends feel temporary, like i won't keep them past college. (i've always felt my friends back home were mine (as in belong to me - my pack), the ones at school aren't mine.) it's sad, but it's what i've been feeling, without being able to explain it. until returning to my depths, that is. after all of this, i had the image of a well as a metaphor for home. a circle of rough uncovered stacked stones going down into blackness. school is a...nothing, an impermanence, and that's not the way it should be, but it's leaving me in an awkward state. and if you're one of my la friends, meh, sorry.

afterwards, i was finally able to go to sleep. today, i showered, made french toast, and walked all over hometown. bought some cds, scoped out board game prices, went to the bank, the library, and a thrift store. came home, dinner, and watched stargate for hours. whee! i'm supposed to meet the people for a movie, but it's getting late. but good times in my hood.

March 26, 2005

fear and self-loathing in los angeles

let me tell you of my finals week. started out alright, only mildly stressful. friday i had my lit final which i think went very well. got back my paper - the late one - and i had done horribly, but no points were taken off for it being late. i was at once relieved and shamed. it was sort of an "i suck" moment, but quickly cast off. that night i went to dinner with my parents. some diner and i had 50's food - gigantic burger, fries, black and white milkshake (because i support integration) - and felt high caloric. saturday i visited the fasioh showcase. mom's gonna get me a really cute backless halter top that i can't wear with a bra. it's fabulous and stetchy tight with little string bits in the back. tre sexy. after that, i pretty much settled down to learn. did biology primarily through wenesday, apart from the slacking and the ice cream cravings. weds at 5:30, the shit hit the fan - i discovered suddenly that the biology midterm i was so dedicatedly studying for was the 22nd, not the 24th as i had thought. wednesday was the 23rd, so you can imagine my horror and shock. i went through all the stages of panic: disbelief, horror, and self-loathing. now, while i developed my mirror obsession after i forgot my paper, this time i just sank into the self-loathing like a fish to water. ran to campus to the life sciences core office, asked what could be done. except i couldn't get into the building. had to go through the nursing school, over a landbridge and across the bearing straight to get all the way to the life sciences building. i was lost at one point, but fortunately for me, a singing black janitor was crooning in my direction. i asked him for directions to the building and he mislead me. i did eventually find my way, despite his obsequeous aid. the office was open and attended - by a snarky gay man who looked at frumpy me like i was a complete annoyance. he answered my questions and i went to find my professors' offices. the first had already left and i headed back into the maze that is the life science buildings. i had my professor's room numbers scrawled on my wrist. i thought my prof's office was by molecular sciences, but on my wrist it said ####chs (ms looks like hs sloopily written on my flesh). chs is career health sciences: maze, so i got lost again. the janitor spotted me again, still singing and insisted on directing me once again. again wrongly. desperate, i walked into a strange lab, asking to use a computer. nice man with stubble let me use his laptop and gave me useful directions out of the building, hurrah! found my prof's room with the help of the computer info, showed up, but he had JUST left, his collegue informed me. admirably holding back tears of panic, i sat down to write a letter which i slipped under his door... went back home and wrote my other prof (same class, 2 teachers) and my ta e-mails and went to bed at 1:30 because i couldn't stand the anxious pressure. the next morning, i woke up at 9 and again at 10 without alarm clock help, all anxious. checked my e-mail and prof #2 said i couldn't take make-up final, but he sympathized...whoo, sympathy. but i was till anxiously awaiting responses from the other prof and my ta. since i didn't hear back and it was 1 pm (so impatient) i went to campus. found my ta's lab using kung-fu skills, and by walking into random labs and asking for help. asked him about etc. he had contacted my prof, was pushing the "incomplete" grade which was a better option than "f - no final" satisfied, but still freaked out, i went home. was alone and depressed in the partment as everyone had left, so i took shower. got out of shower and oh, called my parents and told them about the missed final. fuun. so much fun that i decided to nap. when i woke up, again due to anxiety, i had an e-mail from prof #2 - i could get the incomplete, hurrah! got jim to drive me to campus to visit the lab (had to get dressed, because carla lounging around in the apartment is inappropriate garb for carla leaving apartment)
went to campus, found the lab (without room # this time - just used memory) and once again, he had left. graaaah!!! but i spent the rest of the evening in a better mood, not wearing any underwear, which contributed greatly to the good mood. blaize came by and i fed him, because all the chicken breasts in the freezer were far to large for me to finish alone. wrote two essays and couldn't sleep a wink. i lay in bed awake for unpleasant hours before finally drifting off and on again until i couldn't stand it any longer. at 5:30 some horrible sleepy-voiced girl called the apartment thinking i was the coffee bean. i might have cussed at her, i'm not sure. this afternoon i got jim to drive me to campus again, and again i had trouble getting into the building, finally succeeded, and was rebuffed once again by an empty office. frustrated, i returned to my apartment to finish up the last of my essays. when i got back, i changed back into my lovely indoor clothes. did a nice striptease to the dandy warhols' "not if you were the last junkie on earth," which was lovlier and dorkier than you could ever imagine and half the time i couldn't dance through the giggles. dressed again and wearing undies, i walked to borders to get page numbers for my citations and bought a book. walked back. i was entirely unaware of how much nervous energy i really had pent up until i did that. was skipping almost all the way both ways and i'm still jumpy. but it's good to have gotten out. three days of abject panic pent up in me and i either needed a good exercise or a good fuck, and i'm sure as hell not getting fucked. polished off my essays and printed - there's no sound sexier than completed essays slipping into a manila folder, rrrr... so now i am sitting on my couch, finally finished and more or less concluded, drinking a screwdriver and watching dr. goldfoot and the bikini machine. i drive up early tomorrow with my parents, which sounds like it will be a truely horrible ordeal. but my new book should soothe me a little. and if that doesn't work, i'll remove my panties at some rest stop along the way. freeballin' allways fills me with whimsey, even during the worst of times.

March 18, 2005

busy, likely malnourished, and pessimistic

utterly sick of poetry. i've finally finished reviewing for my lit final, though god only knows what sort of good it will do me. i'm generally pretty confident, though, as i tend to do well in literary situations under pressure. i went through all my famous poets and re-read (or in some cases read for the first time) the pieces and took notes on style and message. now, to remember the names at the time of the test.... at midnight, the finals yell of frustration into the night began, today fueled by st. patty's day liquor and went on in it's excess fervor for a while, annoying me out of my study. there were some over-zealous boys in my building or the next who hollared and hollared until i wanted to throw a shoe. bit diappointed i had to miss any drunken revelries tonight, however school comes first (though at the last minute). snacked pretty steadily throughout the evening and we are dangerously low on food. our fridge will soon contain nothing more than condiments and i will have to beg for my supper. i'm not sure exactly what i will do after tuesday, when kat returns home and i am left to fend for myself dinner-wise. i hate cooking if i'm going to be the only one enjoying the result for some strange reason, and if i'm not going to be starving, then i had better entertain constantly or i'll not eat out of sheer laziness and depression. short inventory of proper foodstuffs: cereal, plenty of pasta, quite a few frozen chicken breasts and one last salmon filet, one or two frozen waffles, 5 eggs, cheese, tortillas, carrots, potatoes (beginning to sprout), ramen, and about 5 slices of bread. i suppose i could do the college thing and just eat a bunch of meal components alone - not cook something proper, but this is supposed to last me until friday and i would like some vegetables. or, perhaps...carrot omlettes? i might have to relent and go pick up a head of lettuce or something at the supermarket, just so i don't get scurvvy and die within the next week. on another note, my parents are in la for a fashion show (they got here yesterday in a rather frightening dream-prophesy coincidence) and they might be good for a meal on the town, if we could decide on a place. on the other hand, i'm not sure they want to drive all the way out to west la for a visit nor if i'll have the time for a proper sit-down restaurant meal. rather depressing, really. i'm still vaguely desperate for company (boredom does this to me) and while reading all day, i was praying for the phone to ring or for a knock at the door. alas, such are not my friends. besides, it would be bad to have distractions. (tear) i still have 3 essays to write and a biology final to cram for. there's also a scholarship application due the same day as my last final. i would like to apply so as to not feel like such a horrible shiftless person, however i'm not sure i have the time (cop-out). also, i would need to spend quite a bit of time picking the brain of the guy whose lab i will be working in next quarter. he's very good-natured, but he makes me uneasy for some reason and i'm not sure why. i feel antsy and a bit overeager when talking to him and i dislike that role. i think it's the fact that he's very laid-back and doing me a big favor giving me a lab position, getting me a grant, suggesting a scholarship and i feel as if i should show gratitude, but that bouces off of him in an odd way and i start to feel loud and grating. i will try again, ask for another favor - letter of rec - and try, this time, to be myself. i will almost assuredly laugh a bit to loud and long at something not particularly funny in my attempt to seem friendly and will leave grimacing and feeling as if i need to scratch off a layer of second skin. if i'm clever, i can do everything in the right amount of time, get a's in all my classes, be accepted into program, and become crowned queen of efficiency within the next week. more likely is that i will become completely noctournal, watch far too much television, do mediocre job in everything, let my scholarship deadline pass, and finally be consumed with self-loathing which i will quell after everything is done by buying a book to read on my flight home. i wish i did not know myself so well. well, goodnight.

March 16, 2005

dreams, sexy men, sex is bad, sex scandal, sexless dreams, poetry

today was a big day for things.

went to bed at 4 last night, working on the second midterm re-write. finished that, thank god, and decided that sly stallone should be the next governor of california. he was on conan last night and was actually, amazingly, witty to some degree. and he did start the planet hollywood chain along with our current governator. i think he would be the perfect follow-up to the great blockhead himself. another steriod crusty to throw the mantle of governation over his chemically-broadened shoulders, and there'd be a whole new batch of action movie refrences brought into the pollitical arena. though, personally, i hope his policies are a little more liberal that the eraser.

got up in the morning in a big daze. i dreamed that someone was changing my alrm clock settings (somehow the timer was hooked up to his bio signs and when he did things - i can't remeber what - it reset my alarm time). that being the case, i woke up and didn't hit snooze because, for some reason, i knew that the alarm would go off again because of the guy in my dreams. needless to say, it did not and i had to rush to get ready for class. wore the colorful shirt i didn't yesterday and was quite pleased with the effect. walking to class, though, i noticed everyone else was much more bundled up and wearing drab shades of blue and grey. i saw only 2 girls in yellow and 1 in orange and felt like a sore thumb. went to my classes, of couse - it was the last lecture. during my break between, yen and i sat in the bookstore and i read borges and blake. in the last class of the day, we watched the man who would be king, a movie that lasted far too long, but at the same time starred michael cane and sean connery. damn i love sean connery, though he's become really frayed at the edges now. the movie was only just carried along by the cast, and by the end yen was audibly groaning and pacing about. i more sedately checked my watch repeatedly and sighed.

walking back from class, i noticed the christians were out in full force. there was a man outside the library holding a sign warning us about hell, another man in suspenders preaching loudly the dangers of "promiscuous women," and the usual jehovah's witnesses at the bottom of bruin walk. there was also another leprechaun, but that's not so much christian as just neat. suspender man, who i learned from our fabulous intar-net was none other than the irrascible jed smock, confrontational evangalist mental defect man, was in full storyteller mode. v. blood and thunder. his "parable of the five dormies" is not to be missed, though his politics, i pray, were nothing more than a distant memory. yen and i listened through the parables and on into a story warning good girls that if they step foot inside a frathouse they risk gang rape by a bevvy of naked fratboys, as frat boys "share everything." be cautious, ladies, because these naked fratboys are everywhere, lying in wait for a hot young thang to cross their threshhold. particular sites where naked, aroused danger may lurk: under beds and in closets (in pairs). so be on your guard. also, sex pistols and the rolling stones, ac/dc, etc. are satan music; i'm going to hell. and i'm going to rock out when i get there.

but careful, my darlings, because the danger does not stop there, oh no. beware high school band teachers! or at least the former band teacher at my high school. he pled guilty to having sex with 3 minors while teaching at the old alma matter, one count of oral sex with a minor, and one count of child pornography, as cops found a sex tape with one of his juvenille conquests when they raided his abode. these girls were 16, 16, and 15, and he told them he loved 'em. all this can be found in the merc, as i promptly discovered. yen tells me his half-sister also came forth accusing him of raping her, and kiddie porn was found everywhere. i haven't seen anything remotely substantiating those claims, but when she told me, i had images of donnie darko kiddie porn dungeon and laughed; not the most pc thing. laughed outright, i'm afraid. can't help it - too absurd. i'd like to be horrified and sober about the idea. sex scandal at my old high school. my old high school. nope, still funny. i'm now not sure if i'm thankful or disappointed i never took band, he was a very popular teacher, and i wish i had a face and set of memories to set up against new revelations. "no, impossible, he was the cool one!"

came back to the apartment and napped, after the evangelical show. but first, i stopped and asked the jehovah's witnesses what their opinion of suspender man was. they were disappointed: he was preaching things not in the scriptures, they believed in open debate...i was pleasantly reassured that, riiight, not all christians are crazy jackasses. and there's probably a sane, friendly christian with bad teeth just down the street from your ranting lunatic, shaking his head. good to keep in mind. napped the afternoon away and had a very unpsetting dream.

stopped at __'s on my way back from "class." __'s place was a room off of some sort of public corridor, later in the dream the surrounding area seemed to meld into a museum of some sort. down the hall and down an escalator. i stopped by to say hello before...meeting my parents (?)...and was there changing my clothes when __ walked in. i was very strange and affectionate. did get dressed, of course, as i was only half trying to seduce'im. yes, but i knew it was wrong, so i wasn't entirely straightforward. he caught on, of course, and was mildly amused while asking me if that's what i was trying to do. everyone's parents were down for some reason and __'s friend from home was there as well, visiting. she came in and had awkward introductions, then the parents showed up. there was a dining room, well set, for family meals, i believe, and we all moved there. it was dark outside and the room was mostly white with an outside terrace area. i was worried about getting my school bag out from __'s apartment, where i had left it in the rush, after dinner without my parents noticing, because they'd think we were sleeping together, which we weren't. but i needed my school bags as (i don't know why) they had my toothbrush etc. in, and it would be even more suspicious if i didn't have them. my parents were sort of a looming threat rather than a real presence in my dream. his parents, however, were very underfoot. short, pompous old money-types. i had tentatively bondy relationship with __'s friend (a short-haired, good-natured brunette), though i was vaguely jealous of her, too. we went into some giant museum-type room (somewhere on a lower floor than the apartment) where there were escalators going up and down and a very tall exhibit that loomed on the right of a high-ceilinged white room. we went out, on what i believe was supposed to be a tour of campus and appeared somewhere just west of powell, where there are all those paths intersect, i was walking with __ and the friend, torturing myself internally with whether i wanted him or no.

then i woke up in a terrible consternation, pissed off that my dreams would that obviously mirror my mind. i hate allegory in literature, yes, but couldn't my dreams manage at least a little subtlety? got up and heated some dinner...and more or less am here now. must learn to differentiate between wordsworth, coleridge, shelly, and keats by friday. will be off now. stab brain with q-tip as punishment and set down to learn.

beware the dangers of fornication!

things i learn in college

in the process of revising crappy midterm essay 2 for regrading and better marks. this means i have to revisit arthurian texts i had rather burry in a potted plant....

textual note: merlin was a very hairy baby.

thank you for your time.

March 15, 2005

colorful, at least in personality

i've been all over the place the past few days, emotionally: happy, depressed, happy again, then sort of shiftless and's getting old. last night i went to bed early because i was feeling entirely incpable of work. was laying in bed at some obscenely early hour - 11 or something - and feeling, well, very lonely and strange. i just lay there in the dark with my very strange thoughts. couldn't exactly fall asleep, either. i drifted in and out of this perfectly relaxed vaguely dreamy state wherein i was still aware, i could feel how comfortable i was, but my mind was elsewhere in some sort of prince of persia-type dream fantasy. running on walls, scimitar fights, balloon pants, you know the drill. i kept being jarred out of it by loud noises or my own sometimes too loud thoughts. i did eventually fall into the same sort of strange fitfull half-sleep i had the night before. got up at 11 and felt inexplicably gloomy. i wanted to wear bright colors, but somehow chickened out of my lovely garish shirt and ended up in a more subdued tank top that didn't fit my mood as well. i left without eating anything and walked to campus listening to coal chamber and blinking in the light. had a three-hour review session in my biology discussion, which i got some very useful notes from, but more importantly, snacks. i had a donut, fritos, and soda for breakfast, which i'm afraid did not soothe me at least, though they did give me the blood sugar boost to be up for subsequent efficiency. i had brought my laptop to class and in one of my little unconscious moments, hugged it closer to me protectively when my ta voiced his admiration. i also may or may not have given him a scared little pouty look. after class, it was more coal chamber, which became the absolute perfect soundtrack to my afternoon and i regretted not going with scary bright colorful shirt (that always makes kat laugh at me) - i was thinking, "if i had only worn the colors, my energies would be perfect right now."

***i know, i'ts very new-agey to be talking about energy, etc. but i think i really am sensitive to colors. maybe it's a girly thing, but i firmly believe that the right oufit can pull you right out of a bad mood. or the right song, but that's much more difficult for me to find. but the outfit is easty. today it was a red bra, teal panties, pink orange and blue shirt, and jeans. that's enough color to snap anyone out of a gloom. and now i don't know what i'm going to do for tomorrow. i might have missed my chance to wardrobe my way out it - i'm out of really loud underwear, and without that, what's the point, really?***

i went to the library, amazed that i wasn't chiming, the way my internals felt, and looked up where on campus the english reading room is. went to the english reading room, got a book and read through the supplementals for "research." made some photocopies, ran to another library to put more money on my photocopy card, smiled at the pierced desk guy (who i think is in my english class), made more copies, and returned home. i spent the rest of the afternoon in sloth and ineffectualness. compulsively checking my buddy list to see if anyone i wanted to talk to was there. had the hugest rush of warm fuzzies when chris and i had a little conversation, which is both sweet and horribly sad - i really need to find a guy who lives in this state. in particularly upsetting moments, i consider accosting jim once again, but that would be bad. bad, but difficult to get out of my head, unfortunately. i'm just dying to get back home where i can return to my power base. not in an android sense. i think that once i'm on my own footing, my energy - and mood - will return to normal. either that, or in about a month i'll be mauling people on the street. i'd like to not be all scary drooling snarling fangs and teeth tiger person rawr kill. one thing to say about mental instability, it's good for vague spurts of random inspiration. only i have 3 essays to write, so i don't have the clear conscience needed to follow through any story ideas at the moment.

ah, on a side note...did watch brazil yesterday. thought it was brilliant funny and strange. mostly strange. i don't know, something about it made me not love it as well as i might, but i thought it funny that it had elements of naked lunch. very reminiscent of free state and all the dr. benway bits. i think...i almost wish they had pushed the movie further, but of course, i'm just a huge fan of surrealism. actually, i would have loved it if they had just taken it in a direction entirely like the 5000 fingers of dr. t and kept having flashbacks of that while i watched this movie. kept expecting escher-like staircases and people and elephants propped up on precarious dali stilts. or else the ducts, which snaked everywhere like some pervasive industrial circulatory system, to come alive and walk around. people with ducts emerging from their limbs, walls suddenly being torn down and forced through to make room for more and more ducts, lots of duct possibilities untried.

ah, but everything here is just slightly off. for example, my tears, even, are strange. i yawn and instead of nice, clear, runny tears, i'm met with viscous eye-goo that does not nicely blink away and is only meant for just after you have woken up or when your contacts are dry. i think i'm still having faint allergic reaction to my apartment as well and i'm completely unmotivated. i am hoping home will restore me.

March 12, 2005

things you should not strip to

been in a lovely mood ever since wednesday. yesterday was gorgeous for most of the daylight hours, despite a strange thin lingering smog that hung over everything and obscured at distances. la air quality is so disturbing. i went to my classes with large, freshly washed hair done up all frizzed and crimped. it was sci-fi hair with the orange and faded red streaks and the crawling curls. it kept reminding me of asphyxiation. i wore a tank-top and walked around in the chill air that pervaded the skin, feeling like a thin wrap of cold that moved with me as i flounced to class. it felt slimming, constricted from my chest to my hips, and comforting. made my arms want to float up and wave and in all, i just wanted to dance. on mornings like that, i always thank the fact i don't have time to eat - it's perfect feeling all empty and lean and lithe. the sun was firmly out and world slowly warmed, though it never got as hot as i would have liked. had my classes and chatted up my ta, went to meet with my professor about a paper and returned to the apartment. on campus, i saw a jew standing and preaching loudly about something or other, which i thought was quite novel as it's always a white-suited christian on bruin walk, as well someone in a horrid leprechaun costume doing a jig. both made me smile my secret little smile. every ounce of me wanted to run around outside and play, so i called a couple of people to go around. everyone was busy, so i just took a walk to the supermarket and around westwood. i stopped at a boba place and got a passion fruit smoothie...with boba. i'm afraid i got confused while ordering and forgot the word tea, but got my drink with pearls and ended up with weird icy mixture with chewy bits. i felt like a silly white girl and wished i had had amy or kat there to help me order. walked back to the apartment and the clouds had moved in. i ran into jeff on the street corner by my place and stopped to talk. he took my grocery bags from me, which was nice, as they were cutting into my hands and arms after the walk. he was in the area apartment searching with some friends - was going to live with two girls and his girlfriend, which seemed a bit dangerous to me and i told him so. i felt a bit rude and pessimistic having done so, but i just really couldn't fathom not. oh well, it was far from the most horrid thing i could have said. i stayed and talked with them for a little bit and jeff helped me take my things into the apartment. by then, it was cloudy enough that my desire to be outside was thoroughly waned, so i took a nap. woke up and dicked around a bit, ate, watched tv, my normal shiftless actions. eventually, kat and i joined ib at a friend's party, where blaize later met us. we got drunk and then headed to another party with a whole group of indie-rock types. i needled a guy dressed up as ketchup (yes, literally) and generally acted like a twit with too little impulse control. (generally have very poor impulse control, especially verbally, as would have been evidenced by my earlier conversation with jeff.) we got to the second party, where a short guy with a napoleonic complex kicked us out, chanting in some sort of exclusionary mantra "who do you know here?" before slamming the door in our faces. was terribly off-putting and inspired it's own fair share of vitriol. the four of us left muttering rude things about diminutive doorguard dickhead and agreed to meet back at kat and my place in a bit. ib went home to get amy and games; blaize went home for more liquor. we ended up not really watching several movies, drinking, and playing strip jenga. i'm pretty much rubbish at jenga and was soon down to bra and panties, which in a very good moment of foresight that morning were matching red and dainty. blaize was down to boxers, ib: boxer-briefs and a tank-top, and kat was the most steady-handed of us all and only lost her shirt, despite her more daring play. amy napped soberly on our armchair. by the end of the evening, many things had been spilled and we were all pretty shit-faced and jolly. ib spent the night on our couch. i woke up in the morning terribly dehydrated and feeling vaguely reptillian, but it was a good night.

March 09, 2005


i woke up this morning completely exhausted. understandable, as i was up till 4 this morning, mostly at the library with blaize writing my essay. it is very strange studying in the library, but with headphones and a squashy chair, it wasn't quite as scary as i expected the study environment to be. i finished my essay and was pretty happy because i ended up making some sort of salient point in it which is good. i think my thesis turned out to be "blake is better than wordsworth." thing is, i phrased it better there. at some point after he and i left the library to get snacks, blaize told me i was the type of person they make movies about. i was oddly flattered. i took it to mean quirky and interesting. i hope he means that sort of movie, amilie or something, rather than horror slasher. he might have just been foreshadowing the fact that he's going to stalk me and slowly and gruesomely kill off all of my friends - which i'll have to watch out for now. some point shortly after i woke up this morning, i discovered that my essay was due yesterday by 4. i was completely stricken. kept going into paroxysms of, "if only i had checked this earlier, stupid! stupid!" got ready for class hurriedly. i found myself repeatedly looking in the mirror and giving myself glares of disapprobation. i realized at some point that i was actually checking my reflection for some sort of change - any physical manifestation of my own idiocy. as if i expected some sort of biological reaction to take place, a cellular revolt at my own poor judgment. at first, i rather expected i would look in the mirror and suddenly find myself uglier, but i simply looked a bit tired and disappointed, my usual features intact. then it evolved into me searching my face for some sort of more concrete display of my stupidity. the moles on my face suddenly rearranging to spell the word "moron." would have been a start. didn't happen, to both my disappointment and pleasure. sent an e-mail to my ta explaining the mistake and asking if there was any way to recoup the points. went to class and turned in the essay late, mentioned it to my ta, who was kind, but unable to really act. he offered to talk to the professor with me, which i thought was quite nice, but we agreed to see about the essay itself first. had my typical long day of class, which i went through in a deep tired funk. had some coffee, but that did me little good. i kept fantasizing about sitting quietly somewhere and being hugged. watched a horrid movie version of the master of ballatree which diverged so far from the book, that all i could do was loudly proclaim "bullshit!" to my professor's mild consternation, i'm afraid. it's a total pet peeve of mine, movies based on books that differ wildly in the storyline, and boy, did this one ever. i did spend a bit of time in the bookstore. i ended up perusing a collection of poetry by borges. i've resolved to buy it, as it has lovely translations of everything in the original spanish as well as english. his poetry is lovely interesting, and it's exactly the sort of volume i need, being completely out of practice in the language. also, my vocabulary just isn't that good, and i keep losing words. i did have a lovely time walking back from campus with yen, she was very animated and crazy, as ususal. she was proclaiming loudly that she hated the irish because, "they've got no jawlines," which is the most absurd and arbitrary cultural stereotype i've ever heard. though now firmly implanted in my mind. when i got back to the apartment, i went straight to bed and napped for about 5 hours. woke up in still a depression. i ought to fix myself something to eat, as all i've ingested today is water and coffee. perhaps blood sugar will improve my mood. but really, i'm betting on time - it'll just trail out eventually - or a prolonged bout of being hugged - which is just very unlikely to occur.

March 08, 2005

lofty expectations

i changed my blog template some time late last night to something a little less barbie and a little more earth mama, not to mention easier on the eyes. i hope you like it. did a bit of upkeep, as well: posted a picture of myself, changed the links a bit, added a couple of topical quotes to the sidebar, purely frivolous things. it took all of 10 min, which was good, because i was in the middle of writing an essay at the time. actually, i'm still in the middle of writing the same essay right now, so you can see my work habits have not improved at all. but i do have some fabulous news i'm dying to share. ta-da! i got the grant. i'm not sure how much it is for and i have yet to begin work in the lab, but i will be working in the lab and i will be getting paid for it, and for that i am pleased. i also had a bit of a panic this morning, woken up by a phone call from my mum telling me i had to get back to the man from the college teaching program i work for during the summer. he needed my class descriptions immediately, or, well, i wouldn't be teaching. sent off a last-minute e-mail before rushing to class and called him again once i got back and all was well. better than well! i'll be getting $35/hr for 4 weeks, something around 3+hr/day. and i won't have to teach math! no more babbling incoherently about integers in front of a class of disaffected 4th graders! i get to teach lit, i'm so happy. one course on greek myth - i'm ambitiously thinking we'll do sappho and plato and oedipus. these are 7-9th graders, you see. ambitious. another class on arthurian legend (i figure i ought to put my newfound knowledge to some use) - we can do a heraldry project and read tennyson, who really wasn't all that bad, and lanval and watch holy grail, tee! and finally, because i was asked to, a writing class of some sort - i'm thinking short story. i can teach grammar to children and watch their faces fall as i lecture them on subject-verb correlation. unlike last summer, i'm not dreading teaching! the moral: $35/hr can make even children sound bearable. hehe! bearable. like childbirth. i just killed it. so i am completely thrilled about the summer, which is good, but even more so about spring break. i can't wait to be home and have all my friends in one place (all my home friends, that it) and to do the donut shop sit around and talk loudly for hours thing and maybe, if i get my way, the beach thing. i don't know why i've had the urge so much of late to go there - if it's nostalgia or a fresh-air craving or simply the desire to be near some large body of water. i'm growing more and more tempted to collar someone with a car and force them to drive me there with scowls and tiny girl-fists of anger. or else sexual coercion or something. though the first thing sounds far more probable. blaize'll be coming up to sf for spring break most likely and i told him i'd drive him to monterey, so i've got an aquarium trip to look forward to as well. not to mention the inevitable library splurge (time enough at last). i'm hoping it'll be brilliant, but before i can have my spring break i'll need to get through what promises to be an oddly specific biology final as well as a research paper and a couple of synthesizing essays. but in general, i seem to have some pretty high hopes. i hope i won't be disappointed.

March 05, 2005

three cheers for literature, windex

last night, finally having the resolve needed, i buckled down and determined to not watch television, but instead to catch up on the incredible amounts of reading i have to do for various lit classes. i also did my laundry. all the while, i re-read my wordswoth and my coleridge, began my byron, and finished stevenson. it was quite a prolific evening for british authors. at about 2 am, after coleridge, wordsworth, and stevenson, i decided to clean my bathroom. with all my clothes all nice and clean, fresh towel not smelling of feet, i could not bear to move all my fluffy lovely clean towels into my grimy, fluff-encrusted bathroom. so disgusting every surface encrusted in a layer of fuzz, eyelashes, flakings - it's really been a disgusting amount of time since its been cleaned - far too horrid to even mention. and so i brought in a full roll of paper towels, 409, lime-away, and...hmm something else...not quite sure what. i scrubbed away like crazy, cleaned all my mirrors, every single surface. to do the shower, i stripped down to naked and simply got in (we learn from our parents these sort things, and my mum is insane). started having strange thoughts about various sexual icons. naked martha stewart (an idea introduced to me by an snl sketch, i do believe), french maid, that sort of thing. i find it quite remarkable, the interest in women who simultaneously clean and offer sex. really, it's the adult dream of having a mother-figure to take care of all your needs - mother who you can screw without being in the adirondacks. mused about this while scrubbing and felt mildly vampy and amused. took as shower myself, as i felt jealous of the fixtures getting all clean without me. afterwards, i cleaned the floor with swiffer and this is where all the true filth collected. it had all hidden itself behind the toilet and congealed with the moisture from the steam into clumps of hair and slime. i was disgusted with myself and resolved to clean more often. when bathroom was sparkly and clean i was so pleased i pranced about the apartment loudly declaring my pleasure. finished and went back to the couch where i read byron until 4. brushed my teeth and went to bed. today i went to class and wowed the professor in discussion with clever comments about sexual democracy, felt very proud. hurrah for reading comprehension. hurrah for don juan. hurrah for dying ingloriously in a swamp of stds, but being mistaken nonetheless for great political freedom fighter.


"what's your pleasure, squire?" - stoic m. forster

Unbelievable :)

Puang toi
Whenever we confront an unbridled desire we are surely in the presence of a tragedy-in-the-making.
The law is light.
In law, nothing is certain but the expense.

Doing leads more surely to talking than talking to doing.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Their sighing , canting , grace-proud faces, their three-mile prayers, and half-mile graces.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Lawyers and woodpeckers have long bills.
One chops the wood, the other does the grunting.

How little do they see what is, who frame their hasty judgments upon that which seems.

Faith is the refusal to panic.
Wine is bottled poetry.

The archenemy is the arch stupid!

In our family, as far as we are concerned, we were born and what happened before that is myth.

Integrity is not a 90 percent thing, not a 95 percent thing either you have it or you don't.
All diseases run into one. Old age.The object of government in peace and in war is not the glory of rulers or of races, but the happiness of the common man.

Cheerfulness, sir, is the principle ingredient in the composition of health.