February 11, 2005

joy-urine and teddy bears

mum called me today to remind me that tomorrow's (well, today, now) my father's birthday. you have to love that woman - she instinctually knows that i forgot these things if not constantly reminded. i'm going to have to call him tomorrow and wish him a happy old age. i'm thinking of referring to him as "old man pop" at least once during the conversation, just to knead him a little. i'm a bad daughter. this entire stretch of february just annoys me. yes, all that valentines' bullshit. but what's worst is the commercials. this year, there's this horrid adam corolla hawking teddy bears ad that comes on late at night - it's long, obnoxious, and no one really needs a "love bandit" teddy bear from vermont to know that they're loved. but evidently, getting one of these plushy things will make any woman wet herself in glee. and then all of her friends will spontaneously squeal in jealousy and apoplectic rage. would that someone love me well enough to send me joy-urine inducing stuffed animals. oh, sigh. actually, it's not all bad; there's an ad for mail order pajamas - i love the very concept. how i would adore to be sitting in a cubicle, hard at work, and receive a package. whatever could it be? pajamas!? oh, you shouldn't have! i'm going to jump into these right here and take a nap! thank you, u.s. postal service!! zzzz.... also, this one doesn't piss me off because it's not seasonal, i saw one of these commercials back in december. i think i would lose bladder control from the sheer volume of joy in my system if i were to receive pajamas in the mail. that's just fuckin' smart.

but this is the affront every singleton must put up with on valentines'. one trying to remain cool, detached, non-bitter is suddenly assailed by the colors of pink and red. red-the color of rage, the color of spilt blood, of bull fights and vd. how can one remain calm when surrounded by images of weapon-wielding babies and internal organs? there was never any arbor day massacre. a friend asked me whether i was going to wear black on valentines' day out of protest. well, of course not. there's no way one can appear sane on the lovin'est day of the year while outwardly proclaiming their bitter rejection of all that is cuddly. goths do not give out little construction paper bats glued to lacy doilies proclaiming their "wuv." this valentine's day, i will be wearing blue, or green. the colors of air and water. i want to clash with every hideous store front, every themed display. i want to look like a puddle of serenity in a pink world. (pink is not an easy-going color. pink vibrates deep inside itself.) i will drift along at peace with my one-ness. and if i'm feeling generous, i'll send dad some mail-order pj's for his birthday.


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