February 25, 2005

catalyst catharsis

had a very long and peculiar day. but really, the story begins last night, after my bio midterm. it was a bitch, i wasn't nearly adequately prepared. finished and came back to the apartment to attempt to read william wordsworth. his poetry was interesting, but his preface to lyrical ballads was excruciating - i kept being distracted by sex thoughts and realizing i had no concept of what i read, then cussing, but even without the sex thoughts i had no idea what he was trying to say. posted a short critique on the class discussion board and emerged from my room to join my friends in a social setting. blaize, amy, and ib had stopped by with a handle of vodka that was begging to be drunk and kat and roosh were entertaining. we had a jolly time, drinking, watching mortal kombat which i had actually been craving for a while, and playing scrabble. we had teams; kat and i won, of course. as much language pretension as we possess, it would have been disappointing had we not. the evening was fun and concluded around 4:30 in the morning. i promptly went to bed. my alarm rang at 7:45 the next morning.

i woke up today completely out of my mind. i lay there after my alarm rang and worried that i had forgotten what proteins i needed before i could get to class. for some reason, i was convinced that i needed two big proteins to be able to get out of bed. as if to somehow catalyze my waking up. of course, it was actually a sleep-deprived metaphor for the two blocks of time i needed to be able to arrive in class...you know, 40 min shower and dress, 20 min walk to class. that sort of thing. but my tired and overworked brain translated that into two massive proteins and i couldn't really figure out what was wrong with the thought. and so i hit the snooze button. in my confusion, i decided to snooze until i could remember what the proteins were and how i was supposed to actually obtain them while lying in bed. i was perplexed why, needing these things every day to get to class, i suddenly could not remember what they were. i hit the snooze button 3 times before i realized that i didn't fucking need proteins to get out of bed...so i sort of rolled to my feet and took a shower. i found this all quite unnerving. i mean, physics majors don't go crazy and suddenly worry that coulomb's second law will somehow prevent them from getting to class; english majors don't find themselves incapable of action until they can remember the definition of "zeugma." so what the fuck was that about? 4 hours of sleep, a bio midterm, and street booze is what. turns out liquor from last night was literally found on the street. no wonder i woke up completely flipped out. i hit blaize when i found out. the fucker.

i did manage to make it to my first class no later than i ever really am. even payed attention and took notes. went to my second class, lit discussion, quite spry. the prof sat in on it, observing, and being generally intellectually intimidating in his short, jolly sort of way. first thing we did was look at an example essay answer from the midterm, one that was pretty good, i assume. and so, being told that, the first thing to pop into my vain mind was, "i wonder if it's mine." of course, i realized how terribly egoistical that was and why should it be my essay, anyways? frankly, the essay i wrote for the midterm was pretty much crap, and they would have used a good one for the example. but still, when the transparency was put up, i compared it to my own essay. "hey, they used the same prompt. ah, that sentence looks like something i could have written. and they used the same examples i did. wait, shit, it is mine." so i sat there for the next ten minutes while my classmates ripped apart my anonymous composition feeling more shame for my underwhelming work than the urge to defend myself. hell, one of my "sentences" wasn't even that. i wrote a fragment! not even intentionally out of artistic style, i simply forgot to include a verb. but i did, sadly, have to have the last word, explaining "what was missing" was actually a particular textual example, not what the rest of them were saying at all. this was more out of the desire to show there was a point to the paper; that it wasn't entirely the inept work it seemed. the professor saw what i was getting at after i said my piece, at least. actually, it probably wasn't as bad as all of that, but i really rather hate to see my work displayed when it isn't anywhere near my best abilities and was written, as one classmate put it, "under duress" and extremely limiting time constraints. i got a 50/60 on the work, at least, but i'm still not particularly pleased with it. we moved on to other topics and such - y'know, class. sometime towards the end, i started shaking uncontrollably. unfortunately, i was trying to argue a point at the time. rather uncomfortable. went to my next class, bio, and was so cold and miserable that i just put my head down and tuned out. my head was being ripped apart and i expected that, at any minute, large chunks of it should be falling off. this was a pity as i usually dig my lectures. i left class early, deciding to return to my apartment and nap, forgoing free hot hot heat concert and lit office hours i needed to go to. as i walked back, however, i began to feel better. since i had already started on my way home, i decided not to turn around and just attend the concert, but then ran into blaize headed to campus for that very reason. he convinced me to go and i headed back with him.

stood around ackerman grooving to band. some good songs, mostly mediocre, and the sound system wasn't great, but i enjoyed myself. bought a $1 livestrong tsunami relief band from a girl walking around peddling them to warm and fuzzy co-eds, realized i could never wear such a thing, and gave it to blaize, instead, who is just trendy mainstream enough to pull it off. besides, the band wasn't nearly tight enough to produce that cuff-effect i enjoy in my wrist jewelry. mmm, binding. ran into yen and laughed while she gabbed with some indie rock boy promoting his band. then, feeling much restored, i headed further up into campus to go to the office hours and discuss my upcoming paper. actually, in over-educated new england tones, we talked about ice cream, la traffic, and the body worlds exhibits before the topic of the paper ever came up. i can re-write my disappointing midterm papers, fortunately (i cannot live with a c+ in english, it is too shameful) and it seems i will be exploring the inept heroic qualities of dr. jekyll in my research paper. hurrah! resolution. returned to the apartment and ate an english muffin before climbing into bed and curling into a little girl-ball. slept for 4 hours in blissful nap. talked to mommy on the phone, kat in person, baked insta-pizza, and watched some sex and the city. i am now going to watch taxi driver and then sleep some more and i will be a happy person. or i might pass out first. don't need specialized enzymes for that, thank god.

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