January 14, 2005

longing

got a cross-eyed drunk and quite silly last night with the c8 crew. had a good time. tried to do something similar with sadaf at a frat tonight, but ended up never getting in. we instead got nachos and went to yen's for gossip about old acquaintances and for general chillness. i was distant and watched tv. i've been having some epic dreams and some shiftless anxieties. i feel like i should completely distance myself from some people who, really, i love, but who just remind me of asinine worries. i need to be out of the apartment more. somewhere where i can stop checking aim and e-mail constantly and stop mentally pacing back and forth in nervous anxiety. also, it has to be somewhere where i won't be looking up constantly to catch the entirely unlikely occurrence of that person walk in. (btw, you're probably taking a stab at guessing who/what/why, and you're probably wrong.) i'm just a bit unhinged. really, it's the amassing of several paranoid fantasies into one big fuck-all (deliberate vagueness). i want to be back home, tooling around the bay in mum's slightly beat-up lexus, shopping in the haight, gossiping in donut bar, hopping from bookstore to bookstore, and reading for hours in front of the tv. then, i could just shove my laptop under my bed and resolve to leave it there. instead, i'm in la and a bit of a drunkard/slacker/paranoid. i feel like just wandering into westwood and spending all day. or perhaps i'll hide out at sadaf's for a while. whatever.

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