January 11, 2005

the idiot does provide a vital psycho-social service for this community

i'm feeling absolutely delightful. i'm feeling svelte and punky and in amazing good humor. the night was rather dull, really - kat went out with her two boys in succession, and roosh was out watching 24, as usual. i cooked my own dinner, hate cooking alone, dull, but i blared the clash and danced around as i am known to do in my secret alone hours. ate, read a chapter of molecular bio, and channel surfed. eventually, i put in flying circus and absolutely went into paroxysms of joy. i miss that show. it used to be shown on pbs, along with red dwarf and other uk favorites, and i would watch it and be bliss. in recent years, i've more of less forgotten about my love, though the dvds have been sitting in my collection for ages. yesterday i put in the how to identify parts of the body episode and totally rocked out to the penguin on the telly sketch. today it was archeology today and atilla the hun epis and i have to tell you, atilla is full of some of my other favorite sketches. for some reason, i get a complete arms-raised-over-head, giggles, squeals, kicking feet joyful reaction to news for parrots, as well as the town idiot sketch. *blissed-out sigh*

my total joy at watching nostalgic monty python sketches brings something to memory, i was an obnoxious child, yeah, but i was much more dynamic. now all i ever seem to do is sit around watching mediocre crime shows and obsessing about absurd details of my life. what happened to my art? and all the random bizarre little joys i had? at one point last year, i complained about feeling like a watered-down version of myself. diet carla - zero fat and half the carbs. that was a sleep-deprivation issue, but truly, i do feel as if i am acting like a less-interesting parody of myself. i think it's about time i got off my lazy ass and did something. but that's not even the whole of it. back home, doing cheesy classic college activity of sitting in coffee shop talking, i felt much more interesting and alive than i do now. and that's because i was arguing with clarence, or contending with chaos of many other conversations, or otherwise surrounded by life. i feel as if maybe i'm around too many laid-back people and in such small groups that there's no human drama for me to feed on. i'm at my best when there are people all around and we're all screaming and laughing and consuming refined sugars and caffeine (not hard to believe, i guess), or else when i'm dancing around entertaining myself. i'm bored with things. i need chaos soon. that or cabin fever will turn me prematurely into someone's white bread dull old granny. i don't want to be dull, i want to be animated coffee shop carla! with artificial coloring, caffeine, sugar, and loads of flavor.

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