yeah, i know...

haven't posted for a few days for an overabundance of things to say. so mostly i have been telling my stories in person. but to sum up the majority of my thoughts for the past few days for you all, jim: yes/no?

sad: yes/no?

sunday

my room is much batter arranged and i am very pleased with it. now, if only cynth would show up and approve the setup, i could rest easy. kat and i moved her stuff around the room this morning in the attempt to make everything fit. i even shifted her things from one side of the closet to the other. i doubt she'd mind, but really, i hope she'll be cool. it would reaaly suck to piss off your roommate before you have even been in the apartment together. kat and i went out for errands today. bought missing housewares and food. cooked together. and roosh stopped by to move her things in. actually, it's quite odd being here, just the two of us. cook together, shop together, sit on the couch and watch tv. i swear, it's like we're married. *slight shudder* blaize, jim, and crystal showed up to say hello, before blaize is to jet off to spain, bitter growl. i was crashing from low blood sugar and was rather reserved, i'm afraid. i think i could have dealt with any of them singly with perfect charm, but the three at once with little warning (i knew they were coming, but not when. then they just showed up outside the door.) was a bit much to handle. i kept my distance, hovering in the kitchen while they sat around in the living room. haven't really changed any, only noticeable thing is jim is a bit more tan (it's not like blaize would have grown over the summer or anything). mom called partway through the visit and i had to tell her i couldn't really talk. felt like horrid daughter. the three left soon after, having places to be. wore a flowered silk scarf as a shirt all today. had to constantly pull it up to cover my "unruly charges." so now, the fact that i appear mannish in my bathroom mirror fazes me not at all. i was uber girly all day, bra exposed and all. this is just to balance it out. changed into monkey-pig tee before company came, though. sexy tops are for hardware stores, not company.

long day

so i've finally moved down to la, and after last night's histrionics, it's probably about time. not that there wasn't another long drag-out of emotion this morning. kat suggested (some time around midnight just as i finished up packing) that we leave around 11, as is opposed to the previously discussed noon. so, i woke up at 10, dressed, broke the news about my early departure to my parents, ate, did all my last minute throwing of crap into bags...and waited. at this point i was feeling shit for leaving my parents behind without my company. sad sad sad. dad was essentially following me around from room to room, running his own errands, but still with a suspicious correlation to my own wanderings. mother kept remembering things i had forgotten and was plying me with pills and vitamins and teas and recipes. i was ready to leave by 11, but kat did not arrive till just short of 1. so goodbyes with my family were drawn out to agonizing lengths, leaving me with indelible pout lines framing my mouth and a growing urge to just end it all, horrid daughter that i was. you cannot drag sad goodbyes out for long without eventually experiencing suicidal pangs. finally, we were all so emotionally spent that dad went upstairs to pay bills, i flicked on the tv, and mom retreated to the kitchen. finally kat did arrive, and we piled up the last bags of my things into whatever spaces of her car that were not already maxed, hugged one last time, and i was gone. pathetic, ironic, self-conscious, tragic wave as the car turned around and sped away. i was a credit card commercial, or a home loan ad.

hit the road for several hours, as usual. kat picked the music, as well as supplied it, due to her unwavering taste. i napped. we stopped at a carl's jr. and i inadvertently ordered a double cheeseburger due to unfamiliar burger names, which i was then forced to eat. the lady even asked me, "are you sure?" to which i stuttered a pathetic inarticulate equivocal mesh until she just rung me up for what i had ordered. was not delivered my soda, however; perhaps she thought i was getting enough filth in the form of that horrid mass of burger. bulging, drove the rest of the way to la, the biggest event - viewing a flipped minivan.

we arrived and i promptly set about to constructing my furniture. called the parents to let them know i arrived intact. and discovered i needed a hammer to progress anywhere in my project. convinced kat to go to rite aid, stopped at diddy reese for dinner (ice cream sandwiches. i figured, as long as i'm eating badly, why stop?), and returned to the apartment for fun and carpentry.

(aside: actually, we stopped at kevin smith's comic book store in westwood for the geek contact high. it was very self-referential, almost disturbingly so. posters from his movies adorning all the walls, figures of jay and silent bob, costumes, t-shirts, more images of jay and silent bob. jason mewes was behind the counter looking slightly pudgier in person and quite unapproachable. of course, i am completely terrified of people, so i'd have to say that most strangers look entirely unapproachable to me. it has to be extraordinarily bizarre working in a place with your face adorning ever corner, and a third of the merchandise. i would probably go into a paranoid freak-out. though, come to think about it, i do that a little just if i think people are watching me. and as i was terribly comfortable dressed in a 80's-styled shirt and horribly ripped jeans, i was terribly uncomfortable wondering if i was getting weird looks.)

but now back to our regularly scheduled story:
i added to the enjoyment of the entire (carpentry) proceedings by putting up dirty away messages to the ilk of, "surrounded by wood, though not the fun kind. someone fetch me a carpenter." not one of the better ones, i'm afraid, but the only one i can remember. i assembled: an end table (child's play, just screw on the legs), a desk, a bookshelf, a filing cabinet, and a dresser. and again, made many many dirty double entendres based on the word "screw." finally, finished all that and was able to assemble my bed. kat dislikes the arrangement of the room, and i must admit, i do take up much too much space, but i think i'll wait until cynthia arrives to move my desk and dresser into reasonable places. my computer is currently at the opposite side of the room as my desk, as that is where the ethernet port is, but i'm thinking i shall just get a cheap wireless hub and neatly mend that little problem. aside from those little snags, i'm well on my way to becoming settled. i have yet to unpack, of course, but jungle sheets now adorn my bed. (i am so gonna snag a man this year, just you wait.)

as an only child, i think it will be very difficult to restrain myself from becoming a huge nuisance to my roommates. i have never lived in such close proximity to someone i get along with (not even last year, hee), and there is a definite danger that i will glom on to my roommates like an attention-starved younger sibling and never let them have a moment of peace. actually, i think of it as more of an inevitability. i can only hope i am not too obvious in this, or at least that i am endearing enough to make it forgivable. and if i squeal and hug anyone this week, please just chalk it up to high spirits, but i will attempt to feign decorum, for your peace of mind.

sentimental fool

had my last day of work today before back to school. boss' children were aloof and slightly overbearing, as usual, the little brats, but coworker's child was terribly sad to see me go. i think a__ was jealous i was getting so much attention, she kept jingling her wallet in front of o__ and offering to go buy things in a desperate play for attention. i deposited my checks (o__ tagged along) and drove home, the entire way feeling an unnamed tragedy stalking behind me. i was sure i'd run over a child in the parking lot, or hit a biker on the road, or come home to find my parents in a mammoth row. i dissipated my fears, however, with the irreverence of bubble gum. i blew disgusting purple bubble after another while humming along to guns 'n roses on the radio, and was happy.

but that, as all things, passed. home is just a breeding-ground of melancholy. i may just be projecting, but i think we're all pretty depressed about me leaving. i'm pretty empathic; it's probably some sort of sorrow loop, mom's sad, i feel it and get sadder, and she senses it and saddens, and dad finds us both subdued and feels it too, and then i sense my parents' moods...etc. aah! i've been pouting as i pack, as i run errands with mum, as i plan my departure with kat, as i watch m*a*s*h. it's a terribly poignant episode. not helping my mental state. i really couldn't stand going to bed yet, though. i need my sleep, yeah, but i just want to be home for as long as possible. i'm excited about getting back to la, sure, but suddenly a lot less eager to leave. *sigh* it wasn't this hard last year, not by a long shot. stupid last year. *pouts*


p.s. just heard, "if i knew all the answers, i'd run for god." brilliant.

extravaganza! today, i believe, was an extravaganza!

oh my god, the opera was wonderful. i sat there the entire time with a dopey expression of complete thrall on my face. i laughed, i gasped, i read my way through the playbill, i was the perfect audience member. you could almost taste the excitement and wonderment radiating off of me. oh, and i enjoyed it so much. it was all the absurdity of a shakespearean comedy set to music with more vocal swoops and scales than an r&b pop sensation. i am definitely doing that again. i remember one scene in pretty woman, the guidebook by which i live my life, where richard gere's character says, "Some people say that opera is an acquired taste, but I don't believe it. You can always tell when someone goes to the opera for the first time. They either love it or hate it. Those who love it will always love it; those who hate it might come to appreciate it, but they'll never truly love it." (i totally looked that up online just so i could quote it to you all.) well, if that's true, then i have me a love affair. i am totally gonna take advantage of ucla live! discounts this year. before the grand ol' oprey, i was at the aquarium with kat. i saw a black sting ray with white spots! i petted a skate! i saw a tiny great white shark! i got a toe ring! i was almost late home, but arrived in time to change quickly and bolt off for the opera. okay, so the final outfit wasn't terribly coordinated, but i shaved and dressed in 7 min, i think i can be forgiven. in the car i did my makeup, hair, it was beautiful. i felt like mcguyver. used red eye shadow on my eyes aand my lips. showed up and since neither mom nor i had eaten all day (note the family resemblance?), we got biscotti and wine at the concession stand. stood huddled around a table, dipping the biscotti into the wine, first class, and then took turns taking finishing sips of the horrid red bile. with biscotti dregs. there were biscotti dregs in my bad red wine. *smacks lips* tasty. but then the show started and all was well with the world, if not a bit chilly. show was wonderful. i drove poor-night-vision-mother home, where i changed into pajamas, watched m*a*s*h, and ate a toast and salami sandwich. very good day.

love and fiction

in the same way that jim has an obsession with stargate sg-1, have now developed an obsession with m*a*s*h. been watching it every night. oh god, hawkeye is my perfect man. reasonably attractive, a doctor, pacifist, great wit, irreverent. *swoon* i think i have to add him to my list of guys who make me all twitchy. hawkeye, not jim. but to be honest, i really need to add some real humans to that list, i mean batman and tintin are all well and good, but c'mon, you can't do the squelchy with fiction.

so the running list is:
1. tintin, 2. adam west as batman, 3. Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce (played by alan alda, not donald sutherland), 4. john stewart, 5. bruce lee, 7. seth macfarlane, 8. paul rudd

yeah, a bit different than last time, but some infatuations have waned, priorities have changed; i'm older, wiser, suddenly slightly less enamored of bruce lee, *shrug.* but oh, yeah, very hottt.

fish 'n (something having to do with the opera that rhymes with chips)

my bra is in my purse and my heart is in my throat. i'm stoooked. bra was hurting me at work today, so i sneaked it off when i was in the back room. not that it mattered, i spent all day in that back room entering merchandise into the computer system. whoo. t'was friggin cold. and if my occupation were not enough to keep me cloistered back there, the pointy nipples were. wouldn't want to scare off customers. unlike today, tomorrow is fun-packed and packed with fun. during the day, aquarium with kat. at night, the opera with mum. eeeeeh! the marriage of figaro. v. stoked.

dirty talk and chick flicks

french manicure was nearly chipped away from all my hard manual labors so now i've painted then pretty prettyteal. i feel bad about having to remove the pretty french colors, but this is more me, anyways. i am teeeal. wooooo. i'm becoming much more brazen. at least virtually. little conversation with a good friend.

me: play with me.
chris: wow, I wish women would say that to me all the time, you just made my day.
me: haha
chris: you wish you hung out with me more, then. i say that all the time.
me: lol
chris: seriously though mah dear, I can't really talk now. =(
me: arrg.
chris: sorry. =( you can whip me later.
me: oh give me a break, we'd both just enjoy that.
chris: exactly. =D
me: not sufficient recompense.
chris: oh, I could make you dinner. =D
me: haha. dinner and a beating, my perfect night out.
chris: =D I only serve to please.
me: that's right, slave. ;)
chris: you know it. =P

all this while watching an absurd chick flick made-for-tv movie on the family channel. celeste in the city. shit.

i go down to la on saturday, missing ren faire up here *pouty* but, good fun, i get to start classes very soon and actually learn. eeee! excitement to the max! my parents are starting to get separation anxiety. mom has been babbling to me nonstop every chance she gets every thought that comes into her mind because soon i'll be gooone. and dad has offered to take me out to a going away dinner. trust me, he only ever volunteers to spend money on me when he's feeling sentimental. cynth's not gonna be there when i get to la, so i'll basically be able to put my shit wherever i want and screw her, screw herrr!!! sorry. carried away. rather territorial. on the other hand, blaize and jim will both be down there shortly after we arrive, so should be fun. aaand i get to build furniture, whoo. alright, so none of the thoughts i am having are terrible interesting...or linear, so i'm just gonna go. bye.

let me be your secret keeper

i went for my first manicure ever this morning, more out of convenience than anything. it was either that, or wait in the car for dad to finish a therapy session before he could drive me to work. i think i opted for the more appealing way to start my morning. sadaf picked me up, and i forced her to wait outside while i clothed myself, and in the kitchen while i fed myself. (she showed up just as i stepped out of the shower so i gave her the option: wait 3 minutes or see me naked, a very generous choice, i believe, and i ate a hot dog for breakfast, ugh.) she went for a pedicure, and not wanting to spend so much, but not wanting to wait, bored, either, i got my nails done. and totally dug it. it was very soothing and nice and i think i might spontaneously orgasm if i ever get a pedicure. sensitive feet. i am so getting one in la. *grin* the entire time, i was tempted to inform sadaf about her surprise birthday party that very night (!) but i didn't. admirable me. she dropped me off at work, where i toiled as lightly as possible to avoid messing up my new french tips. v. classy, but the glare off my nails kept freaking me out.

i dashed out at 6 sharp for dad to drive me home, ran up to my room, changed (mostly because sadaf had seen me earlier and i wanted to give the impression of trying), scribbled down directions to her cousin's house, and peeled out of there. driving to the cousin's place i kept observing my surroundings and thinking, "ooh she lives in a poor neighborhood," "oh, she lives in a generic suburb," "bet she's rich," and "this area looks kind of run down." finally, reaching her house on the top of a hill, i found she lives in a fuckin' palace. length of driveway, i believe is directly proportional to the ritz factor of a house. theirs was very ritzy. (conversely, my driveway is about 8 feet long and at a steep incline, do the math.) seriously, there were just 2 houses on her street, a gate leading up to the driveway, which dropped off on one side to a cliff, and they had a small parking lot on their property, as well a a swimming pool and tennis court. by the time i reached the door, my eyes were bugged out and i prayed that i had found the right place, rather than walk up to the house of a bunch of wealthy strangers. heard voices and music from the back, so i followed the sound and lo, saw my friends. was very relieved, as it would have been awful to walk in on some rich brat's garden party. in attendance were yen, jeff (of the drama), suegol, sadaf (of course), negar, and the cousin (naturally).

sat around and made conversation, ate finger foods, etc, etc. dinner. cake. presents. (pink ipod, v. nice, and a pink sweater to match.) small fire. (tea lights and tissue paper. daring grandmothers beating out the flames with plates. fluffy black ash floating in the air like tiny clouds of doom. catch the flakes on your tongue!) slapstick humor. (sadaf hugging her mother and coming away with half a mustache make of black ash.) laughter. played pool upstairs, am terribly bad, but also have brilliant luck at times; scratched a lot, generally as sank a shot. gossiped. late night. drove home. sang v. loud rock and roll.

notably, i guess: i was civil, even friendly, towards jeff. unable to get sadaf a gift ahead of time, it came out that i bought a pair of shoes for myself rather than get her a present again. bonded a bit with yen, she seems terribly interesting. i am an attention whore (but reading my blog, i'm sure you already knew that).

so i had a terribly good time and when i grow up i want a house that awesome (except, perhaps, with a more logical floorplan - doors, stairways completely unnecessary and a bit ostentaious). and finally, i kept a secret, i kept a seeecret!

childish behavior and dental work

my teeth are nicely drilled and i'm feeling slightly like an insufferable child. had the other two teeth drilled today. you haven't lived until you've seen your own face deformed by anesthesia. my top lip stretched flat by the swelling on the left side and my cupid's bow was completely splayed to the right. for the first hour i walked around with what would be a very wry expression on my face if it were not already stretched like putty. the procedure itself was alright. i needed an extra shot of novicane because my top tooth was really bad and rather painful. this tooth happens to be rotated 180' and one entire wall had to be reconstructed with filling. whee. the doctor said when she was done, "that was actually kind of fun. sort of a mental puzzle." to which i drooled wryly, "gwad to pwovide a chawenge." on the drive home i self-consciously hid my mouth with a hand at stop lights, anxiously touching the puffy, senseless skin with an obscuring hand. never realized how horribly vain i was until i discovered my consternation at being temporarily disfigured. i have a new pity for those who actually have to live like that, and i mean that in the least horribly shallow and condescending way possible. *shrug* the sensation slowly returned and the elasticity as well and my cheek has returned to its usual splendid paunch. jaw is sore again, and this time i'm almost positive that it's from being stuck by those enormously invasive needles. i hate the anesthesia more than the rest of the entire operation. so when i was finally able to eat again (when the danger of fatally severing my tongue dwindled) i supped and then went to shoe pavilion with kat to buy a new pair of comfy sandals. almost bought a twin to my green alligator docs, but instead ended up with something a bit more classy. not classy! you decry, you should have gotten the docs, they are your signature! but no, i am now the proud owner of a shiny new pair of eccos. we then returned to my place, where i promptly wrote two checks totaling about $800, (scream, die), one to kat for rent and the other to my credit card company. because i am hemorrhaging money this month. now kat and i are making turtles, little nut, chocolate, and caramel confections my mother has been nagging me to make all week. well, really i should say we have been gossiping and making turtles. and if i want to be entirely honest, a rare phenomenon, i would say that kat is making turtles while i whinge and act like a child. kat and my mother are doing an admirable job of putting up with my crap, though. yay them. so, shortly the candies will be done and i will be able to go to bed and sleep off a wholly disquieting day.

it's a 3-post day!

i'm growing tired of media. reading is tedious. television is predictable and formulaic, as usual, but no longer enough of a diversion. movies, my truest love, are just not enough to save me. i need new music. at least i can still find small consolation in art. gave nicole her tat design and she made noises that she loved it, which is good. i have another tat to design for a friend of hers - a tribal firebird - you see them everywhere, but this one is supposed to be "different." i'm going to co-opt an ancient cultural symbol for my own amusement! and i'm drinking "crystal fresh filtered water" out of a glass that says "i enjoy beer" and has, inexplicably, an onion on it. wish it were beer. *pout*

redeemed

i went to the gym today. lifted weights with my spaghetti arms. listened to the yeah yeah yeahs and other groovy tunes. my mood has turned better since this morning, except for the aching. i even get to be social tonight! gonna meet nicole about the tat i designed for her. and i get another chance to brag about about my initials being seared into some chick's ass, yeeheehee!

horoscope for today: a dream you had last night will stick with you all day. examine its meaning. pity i have forgotten what they all were like as it's evening. screw you, crappy late horoscope message. i'm sure it meant nothing much anyways, they've all been weird for the last month or so. i'm pretty sure they weren't about my moniker on ass. silly dreams. *shakes head*

i want something to do, graah!

i was going to spend this afternoon in monterey, but that fell through. entirely my own fault, of course, but that does not prevent me from growing ever more irritated with the world. kat and i were going to go (neither sadaf nor suegol was able to make it), when i said, "i'm thinking we should just postpone till some time next week when more people are able to go." but suegol's going off to college and won't be able to make it and sadaf has a domineering mother so won't be able to make it. oh, and matt and morgans' schedules are just impossible. soo, kat took my waffling seriously and made other plans for today with the ex-cum-fuck-buddy-boy, and all i want to do is lie on my back on the floor of my open, sun-drenched house, stewing in a pool of angst. was dragged all around costco this morning shopping with my mum, to make matters worse. i was hardly able to drag myself out of bed to go; i'm becoming seriously frustrated by my ever-increasing lethargy. if i don't get some mental stimulus soon, i'm afraid i will just implode, taking large patches of carpet and some of the moulding with me. the plus side of this morning is that i now am the proud owner of chocolat. i've decided that since movies are my one major vice, i shouldn't do too much harm to indulge it, except to my pocketbook, i guess. also, i am now having costco california rolls and ice cold mountain fresh distilled water for lunch. and watching star trek. is it wrong that i am sexually attracted to a character who looks as if his forehead became agitated and started crawling around all over itself, folding up and over like intestinal lining, and then a ridge of pink coral sprouted above, crest to chin? yeah, thought not. so now i will sit in my irate little state and assuage my sour mood with sci-fi and sushi. (evidently the space mafia is very trusting. the mob man is trusting, easy to double-cross in a heart-rending way.) so now i will just stew in my own juices of annoyances.

lesbians, dostoyevsky, and blood

i must really be slipping in my old age, mellowing out a lot in my principles. i used to be so idealistic and, well, noble-spirited, i guess. and now, have supported and worked for child-labor conglomerate (they make great underwear). and now, fur. yes, fur. my aunt brought a whole suitcase full of the most luscious buttery fur coats. beautiful colors and soo soft. cute designs, v. high fashion. and i waant. i could get them at, like, a fourth the store cost. still hundreds of dollars. amazingly lovely, but i can't bring myself to own something like that...yet. the diva might yet win out over the earth mama. had a little fashion show here with me as the bootylicious model. bootylicious because tight pants and skirts revealed latin curves, my aunt pointed out. it seems i am a brick house. chatted with jim, back from russia. had a long and pretty good convo fri, short and lame convo last night. offered me russian vodka, and i really wanna be back in la with liquor. talked to dad about my drinking last night over dinner. wasn't too weird and he was entirely cool with it. or at least seemed to be. i know mum wouldn't be too pleased, though. amusing chat with jim about literature, very high-brow:

me: i just started reading notes from underground, which has me all pleased, but really, my attention span's not up to it.
jim: that is an awesome story, dostoevsky is such a nutbar.
me: dug crime and punishment, but he's so heavy, have to think about all that.
jim: yeah, you have to cut through dostoevsky with a literary machete. or maybe lexogorical machete would be a better adjective.
me: ...i have a power drill around here somewhere.
jim: that's always good. you should read the brothers karamazov, though, that's the best dostoevsky and its a little lighter too.
me: yeah, on my list.
jim: kat's announcing that you and her are secret lesbians. i knew it the whole time. but your secret is safe with me. do you like my contrast in the conversations? on one hand, dostoevsky, on the other, lesbians.
me: nice.
jim: its like the best of both worlds.
me: if only the brothers kasmarov were lesbians, then it would be a brilliant blend of the two.
jim: yeah, but then i dont' think it would have quite been as good of a story. or maybe. dostoevsky would have to have been one creative mother fucker.
me: well, maybe he had it in him, just never had the opportunity.
jim: true. i bet it was political pressure to change it.
me: yeah, given the opportunity, i bet it would have all been harcore lesbian action. and punishment.
(so proud of my little witticism. i'm so easily pleased.)

today, had work. ingrid called at 10, i was passed out so hard, and asked if i was coming in. ended up going to work at 2. was exhausted all day - a combination of menstrual energy drain and the fact that i went to bed at 2 am. wanted to watch m*a*s*h. (shrug) i combatted that with fudgey fudgey caramel cookie/cake thing from starbucks and a cafe americano at work, but i'm back to cotton head now and can hardly eat. full full full.

and a fun time was had by all

so, i'm sticky. lovely way to begin a conversation, but i simply am. just got back from the cake concert, which was a tight press of people and very hot. ass kept getting touched any time someone near me turned, lifted their hand, could not resist its sweet allure any longer, etc. concert started an hour late and was taped for tv. cake was great, though, very groovy. weed was smoked, though not by me. played for hour and forty-five minutes, a very long set. they kept trying to leave. bit whiney. the only other downer was a couple of jackasses nearby, a talkative little asain girl who wouldn't shut up and her friend - pabst blue ribbon hat, sobe t-shirt, b.o. - pure jackass. how can he support two different competing drink companies at once? edged his way right in front of me, the stinky jerk, and stood waaay too close. whew! set ended with "the distance," croud screamed, shahin and i left. miracle i never got beer sloshed on me. raced a big suv on 101, to my mild concern. got home in record time. i'm very glad i went. had a good time, no awkwardness, was needed for explanations on the operation of will call, coat check, and general driving directions. life is better when you don't freak out all the time about odd social situations. now i'm going to go scrub the bleeding red music ledger stamp that says i'm too young to drink off my inner wrist. scrub it good.

not the right tool for the job...nor the right outfit

wearing: black panties, black cami, brown safety goggles
occupation: skivving off work to drill holes in mother's desk for new computer
estimated work time: i've been putting this off for weeks
injury potential: high
music: brazil

who the hell decides to woodwork before breakfast?? but i've promised to do this every morning and night for a couple of weeks now, it's high time i started. i have sawdust all over my work area, my parents' bedroom and suspended in the air. at least i get to shower after all this. aaall sweaty. none of my drill bits are quite as big as i need them, so i'm using some odd combination of portable drill, old-fashioned hand-crank drill, and round rasp. it's a slooow job and my arm hurts from the filing. as for the fillings: my jaw hurts slightly and it feels a bit tense when i try to open it all the way. i don't know if that's a side effect of loong needle being shoved into it or the fact that it was wedged open for half an hour yesterday. i regained sensation in my mouth at about 6, so i was able to eat dinner, thankfully. at the moment i feel damn handy. but also terribly special for not being dressed a la bob villa home-improvement-style in flannels and denim. i am carpenter slut. hehe.

peculiar sensation

swelling is down, my left cheek now protrudes slightly more than the right again, as it always has. all sensation has returned to my lips and tongue, jaw. actually, the jaw is slightly aching on one side, possibly because it was wrenched open so long, possibly the long long needle that was inserted in order to numb the damn thing in the first place. i'm sure i had the oddest facial expression when that was happening. worry, confusion, pain. but now i'm aaaall better.

i can't feel part of myself

so the entire right side of my face is numb. my tongue feels like cotton. it sits, complacent in my mouth, still, like a big lump of bored flesh. it often tries to expand to the right when i open my mouth, getting caught between rows of grinding teeth. serves it right. the cheek is puffy and i can't feel my lips. so after my appointment, i stopped by dad's work for a visit, though i didn't have the drive to head to work, myself, or even work out there. ran into an old classmate at the y, kind cute guy, mike w_. made brief chat for a couple of seconds through swelling. dad had gone, dentist appointment of his own, so i just left. in the car driving home shahin (1 of 2) called and invited me to a cake concert in sf. so i'm going to that tomorrow, yay. phone rang and i nearly swerved across the center divide getting to my phone. bad driver, bad. i also ran three yellow lights. i claim funny face feeling as extenuating. i was a bit weirded out at the invite, though less than i might usually be in cases like this, a rather distant male friend inviting me somewhere, just the two of us, happened too many times this summer for me to freak out yet again. turns out he tried others and they couldn't make it, so it's cool. and i enjoy cake, so i'm looking forward to this. yay!

flawless fake

i've been mildly obsessed with the concept of perfection for a long time. not overtly, but very quietly and in my mind. now, i am terribly aware that i am flawed, but i generally don't think about it. i have heavy thighs and crooked teeth, bad, bad vision, and not the best personality in the world. but in my mind, sill rings the impression of "perfect." terribly vain, i am ready to admit, but there it is. but now my prefect teeth, prefect in health, though not in appearance, are gone. 4 cavities in one year. ouch. never had a cavity in my life till i went to college and suddenly several. i have to go to the dentist tomorrow to get 2 cavities filled and have 2 more to be filled the week after. i'm scared it'll hurt and am not looking forward to having to refrain from licking my wounds afterwards. also a friend brought up this possible problem with the fillings: every time you eat something hard, you'll be like 'oh noes, what if it comes off and i swallow it?' now i am going to associate them with oral sex. greeeat. but every so often i have to talk about it and start moaning that i'm no longer perfect. mostly ironically, but the amount that i do it, i have to admit there is some truth there, as well. so much for my silly little fantasy. oh, don't worry, i have plenty of other little fantasies to keep me warm (grin), but this one was one of the more deeply ingrained echos. at least i don't channel it into outward vanity. mostly.

to rock: i'd be like god...

not on my own computer and it took me forever to figure out my login information for blogger. (thank god for autofill, generally, or i'd be completely lost.) i'm in la at the moment, hanging out with kat in the apartment. dropped nearly $200 today on nice things for the living - bedside table, desk, dresser, lamps, rug, unnecessary adorable night light shaped like a little squashy green ghost pea. then we went out to dinner. i'm surprised that i haven't gone into shock after spending all that money, shivering cold and clutching myself muttering in the corner. i can't wait to build all my furniture as all of it, no exception, is flat-packed. thank you ikea! but it looks like i don't get to be impressive handy-girl until my next visit as i have no easy access to tools at the moment. all of today was basically spent in stores, picking things up, putting things down, and commenting on other peoples' taste. and of course, spending money. apart from that, the trip has been in large parts: reading, eating, prodding kat and demanding she entertain me. i made it through choke, part of the thief of always, and part of __ and the goblet of fire. been listening to a lot of indie rock, rooming at the moment with both ib and kat. ib spends most of his time in the living room hand-sewing a quilt (!!!) and kat spends her time in the bedroom, online. the door between the two is closed and passing from one room to the other, you are basically switching from one hip cutting-edge band to the next. it is terribly humbling. kat took me into her groovy little music world friday night when we went to see a show at the troubadour. engine down, minus the bear, brazil, and statistic, in decreasing order. i really dug brazil, brilliant stage presence, and thought engine down and minus etc. were pretty good. statistic, eh. but they were the opener. i dug brazil so much i even bought the cd (more money spendey, gasp!) and then i realized i don't terribly like this type of music not live. eh. great bloody lyrics though, vocab fiends all! they looked a lot like a rock 'n roll version on the hitler youth, very aryian, muscular, groomed. but they were much more liberal, evidently, making a brief pollitical statement to the color of: opposing gay marriage is neither compassionate nor conservative. right on! the band (brazil) got me to remembering that i need to see the movie of the same name. and listening to duran duran today got kat to talking about how she needs to see barbarella, one of my favorite flicks. of course, i had to explain the connection between the band and movie first. (terribly rare that i get to know more about music than kat, but random obscure sci-fi movies are my geek niche.) ooh, but it was terribly geeeky today. rumors have been flying, or rather kat told me once that her friend from the comic book store she used to work at told her, that kevin smith (of movie glory) was opening a comic book store in westwood. we were talking about it while walking to the restaurant tonight when, lo, we walk right past that very storefront. it has yet to open, but i'm glad that a comic book store is finally within reasonable distance. even more embarassing than my love of geekdom is the fact that kat peeked through a crack in the window coverings into a store to catch a glimpse of what? i'm glad that she has blown off a date tonight (well, the night is not yet through) to keep me company in the apartment. ib has gone home and i would be sitting around all sad watching bad television, otherwise. we drive home tomorrow. i'm looking forward to having access to other means of entertainment. sadaf has been sad and missing me as suegol is away as well, and i am finally feeling in the mood to paint again. maybe i'll finish some old unfinished works. and in a rockstar moment, i say:

thank you cleveland, and goodnight!