December 17, 2004

please god, i am not my 12-year-old self

kat went out to take her final and i was left here alone, day after finals, all bored with the tv. i lay on the couch all afternoon (after i was through lying in bed, that is) trying to find something decent to watch. i know, i could have gone out, i could have turned off the tv, i could have called someone, etc. etc. but i really didn't want to put on outdoors clothes yet and most of my friends have already gone home and the tv is mesmerizing with its flickering glow. i wanted someone to be lying in front of me on the couch. company and warmth. i wrapped up in the blanket instead and waited for kat to come back to talk to.

i had an odd dream the other afternoon, after one of my post-final naps. one of those very significant dreams. you know the type, they mirror something that's been on your mind in an obvious expository manner. so obnoxious. so, i was at a party in a parking garage with the people from my middle school and some current friends. (perhaps the result of strange thanksgiving holiday kismet.) we were hanging about the cars drinking and playing gameboy games for some odd reason and just standing around shooting the bull (poor bull). both l- and j- were there and somehow alternately distinct and merged into one person. at first i was in some sense "with" j-, but not in a capacity that would limit any other flirtations. wow, shocking. so at some point, i end up in a car with l- and he kisses me in a very "i'm gonna conquer me a lady" way. (i should mention that in middle school, i had a crush on l-, who was a very charismatic, but also rather smarm-filled around girls.) so he kisses me in the back of someone's car and i'm, uh, receptive, and he starts to leave looking very cock-sure and confident he had me firmly within his erotic powers. hah! i'm not quite that easy. (oh and at this point, he morphs into j-. or some sort of l/j- hybrid.) i stop him as he's about to leave, and holding his face between my hands, say, "it doesn't work that way, if you want me, that's fine, but you can't expect to come back after so long and just expect me to fall all over you. i kissed you because i wanted to, but don't expect to make a habit of it without some sort of input on your part." or something like that. roar! actually, i find it a bit unnerving that i demand commitment in my dreams. or rather, i'm demanding consistent attention, because i can at least consciously say i'm not terribly concerned one way or another about demanding anyone like me best.

that said, i'm fairly disappointed jim failed to come visit before flying off to europe for vacation. hell, he even owes me money, at the very least should pay me back. and i talked to him not a day before with the reminding and the wheedling. i hate the wheedling - i never want to be that person, the one actively demanding affection or attention, so while i have to be the one with the effort, i get seriously displeased. eh, eh. see the connection? (for the record i did that whole "please like me" thing through the eighth grade. hated it. in high school went the other way, as nearly everyone was my intellectual inferior i didn't care about being liked by them. finally returned to sanity. never again.)

kat brought a friend home last night. the new boy she met in class and thinks is cute. he's pretty cool and we all stayed up till 5ish playing video games and watching hackers. well, actually he fell asleep at some point and kat and i kept exchanging glances, "should we wake him so he can go home?" the entire time she and i were all bantery and awesome, as usual, and he kept marveling at how terribly cool we are. i've always believed we should meet new people one at a time, to win them over with our undeniable kick-assitude. this is the new plan. to completely dominate on home turf. rawk!


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