December 28, 2004

turn your head and cough

i haven't posted for a couple of days, and that is because i'm sick. for the past several days, i haven't gone out once. i managed to make it to the library before the second wave of sickness, which just means that now, norman mailer is pouting pitiful looks up from my floor. "how could you?" i've been staying in and slothing it up. watching tv and cocooning in blankets. why? because i'm sick. it's the perfect excuse to not change my clothes for days and to drink hot soup all over the house. why can't i go out? i'm sick. sniffles and sore throat have turned into a cough, exacerbated by cold air. my parents freak out when i try to leave my house. "you'll get more siiiiiick!!!" i'm okay with that, so long as i get waited on. hahah. ugh. i'd like to go out, i'm bored in here. *sigh*

December 24, 2004

deck the halls with wads of tissue

falalalala-lala-la-la

still sick. showed up an hour an' a half late for work, stayed for only an hour an' a half. i was walking around in a kind of stupor when i got there, but the pressure of helping the long lines of customers snapped me out of it enough to function. i was doing well but then i sort of just crashed - throat really hurt, exhaling steam, a bit wobbly on my feet. at least when i'm sick i don't wish that i were better. of course, i can't really, as my mental functions lack the sort of sophistication needed to have a second thought beyond, "i feel like crap." the library was closed again today, so on my drive home i was unable to pick up books. i don't want to read executioner's song while i'm not feeling well. it's going to get me all heavy with moral questions and murders and the death penalty. fear and loathing in las vegas can only tide me over so long, as well, before i get all freaky-deaky reading it. got home, snapped at mother, shed my clothing and everything i was carrying where i was standing and went to bed. i've woken up in a considerably better mood. at least i have plenty soup and warm drink. so i can fluctuate in health here, in peace. happy christmas, y'all.

December 23, 2004

bodily functions: self-pity, shame, shit

i'm sick. i came down with this cold yesterday, in a rather sudden way. the past couple days when i woke up, intimations of impending cold and attributed scratchy throat drymouth to closed doors and central heat, never believing that i could succumb to actual flu. that said, i got up at about 6am yesterday to drive my neighbor to the airport and was soothed in my fears by warm, nourishing shower. got her there well in time and came home to nap for another hour or so before work. i ended up calling in sick with a stabbing pain in my throat and a headache. napped the entire day. cranky. today i felt well enough to go in to work an hour and a half late and work through the day, in large part in a groggy stupor. at times, however, i managed to be sparkling exemplary salesgirl - quick at the register and terribly useful. i soothed one woman's holiday woes: listened to her tired babbling, helped her find everything on her list, wrapped three presents for her, and shooed her out of the store for a relaxing coffee while i worked on her things. she tipped me $4, but for every customer who is so grateful to me for brilliant service and beautiful wrapping job, there are another...oh, all the rest of them, who tell me i did a lovely job - much better than they could ever do - really, lovely, and just leave. i must have wrapped close to fifty packages, some quite large and tricky, and i have gotten two tips. one was the intensely harried woman who i relieved of holiday duties, the other was a pair of twelve-year-olds. the kids i thought were lovely (really). came in to buy presents for their parents, looked around for something suitable and left, no wrapping. came back a few minutes later, apologised, and said "this is really more cumbersome that i thought; i couldn't possibly get it into the house without mom seeing. would you mind wrapping it for me?" i thought that was a pretty impressive display of vocabulary for a twelve-year-old and i told him. wrapped their presents, and when i finished, they slipped me two bucks. i thought that was terribly classy of them to tip - in (wealthy neighborhood), you would expect more of the rich wasps...and a(not as)ps, and ips, and any other possible combination of other letters for that matter...to tip the service. nope.

today was rather trying, though. i hate being sick in public, running back and forth from work to the bathroom where i could discretely blow my nose on a square of toilet paper. a running nose makes me feel so disgusting, like some giant slobbering beast, leaving a trail of slime behind me, some horrific mutant slug-girl. having to blow my nose of toilet paper makes it even worse - being forced to use ass-wiping paper on my nose because my condition is too appalling for the proper product to be supplied - shameful and pathetic. i tend a bit toward the unintentional self-pity when i'm ill. even more unpleasant than runny nose is taking a shit while you're dripping snot. i hate it when multiple orifices team up to ooze in unison. shitting while on your period, sneezing so hard you fart, coughing while peeing, they're all in their own ways so unpleasant you just want to bury yourself in wet soil and decay. the day i fart while throwing up is the day i kill myself. why all the bodily fluid talk? well, i've begun reading fear and loathing in las vegas, and while that uses much cleaner language (pun intended) than naked lunch the short, direct style is a bit inspiring. hell, it makes drugs sound fun! i began reading that this morning and now norman mailer is starting up at me from the back of a book jacket in an attitude of intense shame and disappointment. i began reading him a couple of nights ago, but the book is just so bulky and cumbersome, i can't really lug it around the hose with me the same way i could a light paperback. that, and i tried to go to the library to pick up the sequel to the shit novel i already finished. i'm sorry norman, really. i'm so ashamed. but, as it seems that the library will never be open again, i might actually get around to him. yay!

December 21, 2004

california christmas

i realized, some point after having gotten home that i had forgotten to bring sweetheart, my stuffed koala from childhood. i feel bad leaving her/him in la (i never was able to settle on a gender for the thing). was feeling a little lonely the last couple of days, cooped up inside with my parents. sad lonely. but today was grand. woke up a bit insomniac in the middle of the night. lie awake lazily thinking dirty things until i was able to drift off again. then the alarm (cell phone) rang. i left my proper clock in la, so i had to set my cell phone's ringer. i know my useless clock would have gone off sporadically throughout the night for no apparent reason, anyways. i got up, eventually, and readied myself for work. then i drove to work, and guess what?! i was less late then has become customary for me! off to a good start! so we were terribly slammed all day, and i wrapped things and it was good, and i helped customers and i was useful, and i ran the register and i was efficient. at some point, i had to head outside and move my car around as it's 3 hour parking and i saw a dead pigeon. this is not the first dead pigeon i have seen in that parking lot and i find it a bit disturbing. the first one was worse - the bird was lying on its back and looked like it had been split in half right along the sternum. cracked open like a ripe walnut. it was unnerving. the one today was dead, lying ventrally. feathers everywhere. not nearly as gruesome. walking back to the store, i commented on my encounter of the dead avian kind to my coworker's daughter, in my typically overly-ebullient way. now, this coworker is the most obnoxious woman i know. her voice is a plaintive whinny, her hair is cropped short and dyed a faintly orange brown, she wears maroon plastic glasses and sweaters. she is overbearing and put-upon, i grind my teeth when forced to interact with her. fortunately, this is rare, as she is usually working in classy china shop, while i am down and dirty in the cookware store unpacking boxes and ringing up hordes of people. but she has a daughter - mia, who i disliked instantly for any resemblance in character she bears her mother. and of course, being me, but today, not having seen her for months, and now working with her i felt...civil. so i made friendly talk. mentioned dead birds in melodramatic way. she mentioned my hair, i mentioned ingrid (pleasant co-worker) and my mother (mum) hated it. we talked more of dead bird - omen, caused by being at work...bad hair...boring tasks. wait, did she throw bad hair in there? she did! fuck! the rude bitch, here i am being friendly, and she throws in a backhanded comment like that. i knew i was right in disliking her. i called her on it in a laughing way, but was really quite put off by her rudeness. maybe she thought because i was being friendly and simple, she couple do that, but even when i'm being a twit, i expect respect from acquaintances and co-workers. friends can be rude, often are; enemies can be rude, expected to be; acquaintances are forbidden from being assholes. i don't know why. but needless to say, she's no longer on the civil end of the conversation stick. (i know, i'm bad at metaphor.) so i had day at work. at another time, i was outside walking around the people-strewn sidewalks. saw one woman on my lunchbreak, two children running about, one in a stroller and pregnant. a breeder. saw a child unattended on the sidewalk and had the strongest urge to "fake" kidnap him. grab him as i walked past down the street, start running, go maybe half a block, put him down, laugh, and tell him to go back to his mommy. it turns out boss wanted me to stay until 8; i had only expected to stay till 6. so i told everyone that i was sorry, but i couldn't stay, i had promised mom to return and go christmas shopping with her. so i left at when i thought was 6. got into the garage and realized it was 5:30, not 6:30. did mom not reset the car clock? wait, my watch says the same thing...and cell phone. i forgot how to tell time, i left work early! crud.

discussed presents with the parents. shared a pre-dinner glass of brandy with father. ate dinner, went out with mother. we went to mervin's and bought father handkerchiefs and pj's. he gets cotton products for christmas. that, and liquor. then sadaf called, and i went ice skating with sadaf and suegol and michelle and shahin. it was fun! a glorious sparkly winter wonderland for only $12 in downtown san jose. the ice skating rink had an outer loop and an inner portion. between the two was a ring of palm trees covered in white tinkle lights! only in california - palm trees in an ice skating rink. now, at some point during the last week of school, i ran into jim...on roller blades. now, afterwards, i started mocking him about the rollerblades. first off, there are few things he could have been doing that would have inspired more mischievous desire to do him harm. especially in hilly westwood. wanted to roll him into the street. wanted to grab him by the waistband and hold him struggling in place. he already was comically having trouble getting uphill. well, later i was mocking him for his retro, inelegant hobby and proclaimed that i, personally, couldn't rollerblade due to my tragically dainty ankles. fast forward a week, and i'm struggling on ice skates, my dainty ankles caving in, too spindly to remain easily upright. poetic justice. laced 'em tighter, and was alright. i had a blast, though. afterwards we went to donut shop teenage hangout and ran into all my joyous friends. it was fabulous, i loved being surrounded by all my people. and i ate an apple fritter suegol payed for. had clarence drop me off at home and returned to get to bed. work tomorrow. *sigh* happy.

December 18, 2004

you look like a pink nightmare

finally back home. woke up and repacked my clothing, folding it nicely this time, because drunkards don't enjoy the added effort and expenditure involved in folding clothing. left the apartment a little late, getting to the airport slightly under an hour before my flight. got my boarding pass and promptly stood in the longest airport line ever. to get through security, you fist had to get through a wait that snaked outside the terminal, in front of a second terminal and then down the block a bit. took an age to get through, but arrived at the gate just in time to wait for them to begin boarding. about 2 min before takeoff time. on the plane i sat next to two perky chatty first-years. one commented on my book's cover - i had naked lunch open on my lap. so the first words i spoke to them were "well, it doesn't have much of a plot per se; it a series of writings by a man, uh, william s. burroughs, as he was on heroine, or coming off a trip, or in withdrawal." shocked silence. "oh um, nice." ee-hehe. i did end up striking a conversation up with the one next to me. discussed classes and major choices most of the flight. parents came to get me and i talked animatedly at them about many things. ate some peanuts absentmindedly, until i realized that peanuts were actually all i had eaten all day. i then had some soup. for some odd reason, both times i've come back, leprechaun has been on the sci-fi channel. festive. movie about a murderous diminutive man with a shoe fetish. i had been subduing the biggest urge to drive to the library since the second before the car pulled into the driveway. i'm excited about fun reading. which is all i can think i want for christmas, actually. (that and a plethora of dvd's. hint hint. eh eh. hint hint.) but i'd like to get things that aren't media. ...but what? help me! there have to be things i have yet to be able to live without. and, oh god, i also have to think of something reasonable to get my friends. and parents, too. yipes, let's not go through another little snap like last year. i grew bored some time after lunch and caved, drove to the library. got 3 books: crappy fantasy, hardcore drugs, and terribly intellectual. huzzah! i love the library. whenever i go there, i feel like a diva, with my literacy and college education(ing). it was a bit of silt in my eye when i tried to do the self-checkout and the machine read, "your library privilege has expired." privilege expired? noooo! bring back my privilege. i renewed without any trouble whatsoever and went off to borders to look around. i feel like queen at the library, but i'm so much more comfortable in a bookstore. the library is too enforced quiet, i feel like i'm being observed, like some sort of specimen. at borders, i wanted to buy several things, but nothing too burningly, so i returned home. cheapskate to the core. for dinner i had nummy mum-food. she made salmon and beets and yum yums and yule log for dessert. that's right, i have now officially eaten the most terrifyingly named holiday treat. yay for the yule! dad has been talking all afternoon about a christmas story. we have precious few traditions, this family of mine, but one of them is to watch that movie all morning and afternoon of christmas in a long loop. i wake up, come downstairs to find my father already on the couch. we debate shaking mother awake. i go into her room, put my face very near hers, and snuff air at her. then i wake her up with a series of gentle prods and shakes. she takes her time coming downstairs, where my father and i are waiting impatiently, and passes us, descending to the kitchen (hell's kitchen). she comes back ages later with brown grocery bags for wrappings and we set to the business of tearing open boxes. mom has the most, because i'm terribly generous. then me, then dad. he's impossible to buy presents for. after gift opening, mom makes pancakes, and dad and i watch a christmas story a couple more times. eee!! holiday homecoming! happy me. and i've figured out what i want for christmas. oh, not a Red Ryder Carbine Action, 200 Shot, Range Model Air Rifle. i want a kitty. get me a kitty! or, i guess failing that, dvd's.

classy dame

got back from the nutcracker at royce tonight. $25 for a student ticket and i highly recommend the show to those of you still in la. it's an entirely different story arc than the classic nutcracker. takes place in an orphanage and then fantasy candy realm of joy and brightly colored dancers. was actually quite lovely and the costumes and scenery were spectacular. v. cute. were sort of going to go see life aquatic afterwards. didn't end up doing that, though. came back and made oudon, instead. and now...i'm drunk. about two/three hours ago, i was drinking wine and eating a poptart. now i'm drunk and playing prince of persia. i have no awareness of what i'm saying and i'm happy. i've also drunken aimed nate, who is such a sweetheart, i'm sure he won't mind. and now, i've drunken packed. it took a minute to pack clothing for 3 weeks. it only took so long because i was stumbling between my dresser and the duffel bag on my bed. ahaha! no one should ever have to pack for a trip sober. folding? no...fuck that. i'm about to fall over. i've had 3 mugs of wine. am i a featherweight? prolly. do i get cuddly when i'm drunk? certainly. come give me lovin.' god, i'm tripsy.

December 17, 2004

please god, i am not my 12-year-old self

kat went out to take her final and i was left here alone, day after finals, all bored with the tv. i lay on the couch all afternoon (after i was through lying in bed, that is) trying to find something decent to watch. i know, i could have gone out, i could have turned off the tv, i could have called someone, etc. etc. but i really didn't want to put on outdoors clothes yet and most of my friends have already gone home and the tv is mesmerizing with its flickering glow. i wanted someone to be lying in front of me on the couch. company and warmth. i wrapped up in the blanket instead and waited for kat to come back to talk to.

i had an odd dream the other afternoon, after one of my post-final naps. one of those very significant dreams. you know the type, they mirror something that's been on your mind in an obvious expository manner. so obnoxious. so, i was at a party in a parking garage with the people from my middle school and some current friends. (perhaps the result of strange thanksgiving holiday kismet.) we were hanging about the cars drinking and playing gameboy games for some odd reason and just standing around shooting the bull (poor bull). both l- and j- were there and somehow alternately distinct and merged into one person. at first i was in some sense "with" j-, but not in a capacity that would limit any other flirtations. wow, shocking. so at some point, i end up in a car with l- and he kisses me in a very "i'm gonna conquer me a lady" way. (i should mention that in middle school, i had a crush on l-, who was a very charismatic, but also rather smarm-filled around girls.) so he kisses me in the back of someone's car and i'm, uh, receptive, and he starts to leave looking very cock-sure and confident he had me firmly within his erotic powers. hah! i'm not quite that easy. (oh and at this point, he morphs into j-. or some sort of l/j- hybrid.) i stop him as he's about to leave, and holding his face between my hands, say, "it doesn't work that way, if you want me, that's fine, but you can't expect to come back after so long and just expect me to fall all over you. i kissed you because i wanted to, but don't expect to make a habit of it without some sort of input on your part." or something like that. roar! actually, i find it a bit unnerving that i demand commitment in my dreams. or rather, i'm demanding consistent attention, because i can at least consciously say i'm not terribly concerned one way or another about demanding anyone like me best.

that said, i'm fairly disappointed jim failed to come visit before flying off to europe for vacation. hell, he even owes me money, at the very least should pay me back. and i talked to him not a day before with the reminding and the wheedling. i hate the wheedling - i never want to be that person, the one actively demanding affection or attention, so while i have to be the one with the effort, i get seriously displeased. eh, eh. see the connection? (for the record i did that whole "please like me" thing through the eighth grade. hated it. in high school went the other way, as nearly everyone was my intellectual inferior i didn't care about being liked by them. finally returned to sanity. never again.)

kat brought a friend home last night. the new boy she met in class and thinks is cute. he's pretty cool and we all stayed up till 5ish playing video games and watching hackers. well, actually he fell asleep at some point and kat and i kept exchanging glances, "should we wake him so he can go home?" the entire time she and i were all bantery and awesome, as usual, and he kept marveling at how terribly cool we are. i've always believed we should meet new people one at a time, to win them over with our undeniable kick-assitude. this is the new plan. to completely dominate on home turf. rawk!

December 16, 2004

i'm done motherfucker

eee! finally finished with finals. huzzah! i was up past six, i had napped nearly all day after calc final, but i was still exhausted. i read nine long chapters of behavior till i couldn't take it any longer and then i went to bed. set the alarm for 10:45 the next morning. it went off at 6:49, and again at 7:14. entirely wrong. it finally did go off at the right time and i promptly fell back asleep. until 11:45. of course, my final began at 11:30. good to end the hell week with a bang, right? i threw on a pair of pants, bra, and shirt. tossed back a glass of water and searched frantically for my keys. didn't even get the chance to pee. they were nowhere to be found, so i had to run out without them. i got to campus in 10 min and entered my final half an hour late. sitting down to it, it wasn't too bad - i finished half an hour early. i'm afraid i didn't know everything, though, which was the case for all of my finals. sporadically through the day now, i freak out slightly thinking about all the answers i couldn't complete. with 4 tests, that's a lot of panic. kat sent me a text alerting me to the fact that she had taken my keys the night before - oops - but would be there to let me back in. so i was able to get back into the apartment, where i stripped down to my socks and went to bed. when i finally woke up, i showered and dressed. got to wash my hair for the first time in ages. put on flannel pants and a tank top, commando, eeh-hehe! and i've been lounging about lazily ever since.

today, my horoscope was strangely specific:
Someone is going to walk into your life today and out of nowhere, start sobbing. Sheesh! What's happening in the world? Why are people walking around sobbing? Do what you can to console them.

no one has been weeping in my proximity. not looking forward to that. i'm hungry and we don't have good food here. there's also nothing good on tv and i want to down glass after glass of cheap wine. crap. perhaps i should go out. tomorrow i go to see life aquatic and the nutcracker ballet. that should be good. until then, drunken slacking, perhaps.

December 14, 2004

petulant malfeasance

help me, i'm bored! i'm now thinking i would rather drop my calc class, wasting all the time i spent studying and doing homework and going to class, rather than take my final. i've been bored while studying before, nothing new there, and i've lacked motivation before, but i'm tired and disinterested and my head hurts. while cramming for bio a couple of days ago, i ended up researching the lives of aleister crowley, l. ron hubbard, and black bart for my own amusement, rather than focus on the material at hand. today's distractions have been much less quirky - i watched liar liar and a medical drama on television, rather than learn about reimann sums. i would, as last night, just like to shower and sleep. *cries* i can't even binge properly. every time i try and bake cookies in our toaster oven, they come out extremely soggy in the center. it like they cryin.' today, i attempted an elaborate scheme to remove the cookies halfway through cooking, flip them over on the sheet and finish the baking. they turned out as soggy as ever. so when i tried to then remove them from the tray and toast them to dry the centers out a bit, one disintegrated and fell through the rack onto the heating element of the toaster oven. i had to scrape partially liquefied cookie dough off the bottom of the oven with a spatula, while trying to hide the fact that i had screwed up from my roommate, who is prone to laughing at me for such foolish faux pas. i have also run out of toothpaste 4 days before i am scheduled to return home. i went through an entire moral dilemma whether to simply buy a tube or mooch off of kat until i went home. i could get a travel size just to hold me over for the next couple of days, but that is highly uneconomic, as i would be mostly paying for the packaging, not the tiny amount of colgate in the tube. shamefully, i must admit, thrift has won out over any sort of practicality and i will be sneaking my toothpaste from my roommates' bathroom late at night. and now i avoid calculus with poorly-timed blog entry. but i don't wanna learn any more!!

why it hurts when i chew gum now

schedule last 2 1/2 days:
wake up -> study -> eat -> study -> poop -> eat while studying -> study -> sleep
wake up -> study -> eat -> study -> eat while studying -> poop -> take test -> watch a movie -> study -> sleep
wake up -> take test

now imagine that all the while, i was grinding my teeth.

2 finals down, 2 to go. i'm sure i have some stories from the past 2 days that are amusing or interesting or flan, but i got half an hour of sleep last night, tops. i spent the entiiiire night (save 30 min) reading reformation/restoration era poets. poem after poem after poem about god. they really loved their god. there was the occasional poem trying to wheedle some woman into bed and those i greatly appreciated. there was even one that was basically things you'd yell in a medieval strip club: "take off your girdle!" "now your breastplate!" "unlace your bodice!" "take off your dress!" "take off that shift!" (they knew the benefits of layering back then.) so i have to cram calculus into my already full brain tonight, then tomorrow i do behavior and then i'm done. i have plans to fall into a hedonistic orgy of sleep and bathing. i took my first shower today in days. i was craving a shower like a fat kid craves cake - a whole lot. i got to the point where i posted "someone come read poetry to me while i shower. because i reeeally want to shower!" on aim. it wasn't an idle threat, though. if someone had offered, i probably would have accepted at that point, i was so grimy. didn't help that i had been wearing the same pjs for all the time i wasn't bathing, and eating while holding a 5 lb. textbook isn't dainty. but i woke up from waay too short nap this morning and showered! i would have liked to wash my hair, but there just wasn't any time. i arrived a bit late for my final as it was, though that wasn't a big problem, i still finished early. i screwed up "volpone" and "lycidas." stupid, stupid! but otherwise it was peasy. so yeah, i'm stripping for bed as i write this. going to nap now. night!

December 12, 2004

almost done with first chapter...

i am studying the immune system. today i learned how to spell "realize" the non-british way. stupid americans.

December 11, 2004

study duddy

inarticulate groans are all i really want to emit at the moment. it's been a lovely couple of days weather-wise. unseasonably mild. sunny, warm breeze. horrible study weather. and i've been shit at focusing. (case in point.) it turns out i have a midterm every day mon-thurs. at least they're not doubled-up? today i woke up late, slowly downloaded the powerpoint slides from my bio lectures and got ready. kat and i finally stepped out, on our way to some mystery study grounds where there are benches and grass and outdoor outlets as far as the eye can see. bose speakers rise from the ground and play classical music all day and the birds and squirrels bake you snacks. halfway out to the street, we run into our apartment manager, who tells us the roof is lovely and you can see all the way to the ocean. kat and i looked at one another and proceeded back into the building, not nearly eager enough to search out the mythical fields of studiousness. the roof was lovely, though. light breeze playing, perfect quiet, comfy seating under beach umbrella, fiona apple playing on the ipod set quiet, jazzy mood. there were outlets within reasonable distance from the table and it was close enough to home that we could always run down and get food and sweaters. unfortunately it was already quite late by the time we got up there, and it soon grew dusky. to one side, the horizon quickly faded into brown-grey clouds of smog. yellow, green, blue, red, orange striated haze rose up in a grossly mimicd sunset. to the other side was the coast, where a real sunset burnt the sky and glistened on the distant water. returned to the apartment singularly unproductive, and fixed dinner. finally sat down to read, and i've written nearly 2 pages of notes. i have 3 chapters to read tonight and 3 tomorrow, i've done maybe a third...of a chapter. i'm fucked, royally fucked, yet i'm astonishingly calm. and distracted. i had better go.

panties and parties

grace (who i haven't seen in a year and a half) and shahin drove up to visit today. they've finished classes, damn sd, and are staying the night with yen.

yen and i, impatient for their visit, went to dinner and then wandered about westwood for shopping and the like. around the way, we ran into tamara and made jolly with her around urban outfitters. i got a cute pair of knickers and a matching bra. translucent puce mesh with dark purple lace around the edges - a much better color combination than it sounds, trust me. i've been wanting a matching set for a while. they are adorable, i think they make my ass look amazing (boycut, yay!) but they really scream for...uh, hairlessness. a prospect so painful even in theory that strong coercion would be needed to make me just consider it. (*shudder* regrowth.) they also have seams in rather unusual places, diagonal right across the nipple? straight up from the crotch? it looks like bizarre enforced modesty and insta-camel-toe. haha, despite their cuteness, i have a bit to get used to with them, i guess. i've been wanting a nice set of matching undies for a while, damn you postmodern courtesan, touting the virtue of sexy lingerie sets. so for the rest of the evening, i was walking around with my new undies in my coat pocket.

finally shahin and grace arrived, and gloria, sadaf, and steph showed up in honor of the visit. we all went out again for food. i had cake! and sat around watching rodeo in the restaurant, and commenting loudly on everything that came to mind. i have to admit i was a bit of an attention whore, talking loudest, over people, constantly. but, i was also being pretty clever, so i think i redeemed myself. (i totally won the conversation. haha.) i love sitting around bullshitting loudly with my friends - a good time. and very mentally stimulating, we discussed everything from the virtues of older star trek casts to onion rings. we sat around for quite a while, prompting multiple checks from wait staff to see if we were satisfied, we were. reminisced about home. the brilliant characters such as "walrus man" and "crazy skate man" that populate our home town. eventually walked back, and split up to go to our respective places to get in some before-bed learning.

of course, the first thing i did when i got back was try on new dainties - was dying to all evening. then i changed into pj pants and a sweater - yes, that's all. (hah! so naughty, so indulgent!) and blogged about it all. i think i'll break out the reformation literature in a moment and play catch-up for my lit class. whee-oo! good night.

December 10, 2004

sing my soul, you sap

elissa referenced the oasis song "wonderwall" in her away message today and got it stuck in my head. as a recourse, that i may be able to focus once again, i had kat transfer the song to me, along with three other albums while she was at it. i have listened to it four times so far, singing along off-key. i'm entirely sure what has happened, but i used to have near-perfect pitch and a (second) soprano voice that was, if not lovely, then at least tolerable. now, however, i'm an alto who has difficulty keeping to a tune, especially without any music to follow. it's very disappointing to lost a skill. i'm sad. perhaps i should embrace my new hanicap, however, and walk down the streets singing at the top of my voice. the morning of the sc game, i was walking to meet sadaf and the bus, and i saw a boy doing exactly that. he was on the other side of the street as me, walking slightly more slowly, and singing, loudly, "the battle of yoshimi" (i think, i'm not in the mood to look it up) by the flaming lips. he only knew a line or two, but he was singing them with gusto. i found it terribly charming, but he seemed drunk, perhaps, so i didn't think it merited my time to stop and holler my appreciation at him. this was another time i had forgotten my ipod and was glad for it. lately i've had the urge to sing a lot, and i'm not referring to my little absentmindedly tuneless warbles. i think it's the fact that christmas is coming up, and i'm surrounded by songs that i know at least some of the lyrics for. i get "santa baby" stuck in my head for months at a time every year and walk around with the most incredible urge to wear white fur and vamp. i have always loved that breathy sex-kitten "happy birthday mr. president" sort of lounge act singing. i've been trying to rebuild my music collection after the great loss that was laptop theft. i like the way the collection is building and in the process i'm listening to bands i haven't thought about in ages. going back to the hard rock that i used to be so in to and getting some newer, more peppy indie music from kat. every so often i catch a snip of a song i haven't thought about in ages and listening to it go, "oh my god, that describes my life so perfectly." "wonderwall" being an example.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how


makes me feel as if i should be weeping "oh how true!" into a pint of ice cream and wondering if i should call "him." of course, i can happily say i've never felt so sad as all this. actually, my entire appeal from the song is in the line "I don't believe that anybody/ Feels the way I do about you now." for some reason, i just really like it. (oh how true!) but in a more generalized, post-modern sense. (i'm sure greg will have something to say about that, and i welcome it, hah!) alright, well i'd love to discuss music with myself all night, but i've lost my train of thought, and i have cookies cooling in the other room. night all!

December 09, 2004

new an' improved

i've had a terrible craving for something new of late. i find myself logging off aim suddenly and then logging back in, in the hopes that something will have changed when i wasn't looking. i need to meet new people. it's not exactly that i've grown bored of the ones i have, but those dynamics really aren't going to change, or else i never see them, etc. etc. etc. i'd really not like to make any specific complaints at this point as i'm just over whining about these things.

i need something new.

i did get a new e-mail address: slandering.creation@gmail.com. contact me there, now. i finally got on g-mail. haha, the first time i tried it, i couldn't think up a name, and my invite expired. this time i was much more prompt, though. i do have to admit that i stole the name from a shakespearean sonnet (127, it's in one of my earlier posts). although i was greatly disappointed that i could not be entirely accurate; the line is actually "sland'ring creation," but g-mail will not allow apostrophes.

another new development: i have discovered creating "competition" between my friends makes my life sliiightly more dynamic. never have so many people posted (granted, they have never been able to in the past), as when i inadvertently made it into a contest. though, i am now getting complaints on my imposed lack of capital characters in this blog. kat has even threatened to break my template...or something vaguely technologically over my head.

speaking of technologically over my head...i was roped into helping an old man fix his computer yesterday. somehow having gotten it into my mind that i ought to go into westwood to scan the pages or research i copied from a scientific journal in order to hand them in in a clean format, i headed down yesterday. ended up in the copy place near in-n-out. i made my scans, and the proprietor asked me, in faulty english, to help him fix his computer. it was terribly lagged with spyware that managed to completely disable the internet browser for any activities other than receiving pop-up ads. i fiddled around on it for close to an hour, i was in a hurry to get back and finish my paper, after all, before i gave up in disgust. the machine was so absurdly slow, it took five minutes to recover after i deleted a file. it also did not have enough memory to open two file windows simultaneously. now, while i consider myself technologically competent, i am by no stretch of the imagination the best person to perform such a task. but i felt bad for the man. and he bought me a starbucks bottled frap. i had meant to stop by and get a warm coffee on my way home...but oh well. but if you're clever and have a bit of extra time, go down and fix that man's computer. i feel bad for him.

the same day, kat and i went out to eat - a new experience for me, as i had never been there, and they actually expected us to cook our own dinners on a little grill in the middle of the table. the food was quite delicious, though, and it has been ages since i have eaten beef. very pleasant.

today i discovered the joy of eavesdropping on people while walking around campus. i forgot my expensive yuppie icon - the ipod - in the apartment when i left for class, and though i paused at the door, i decided to trundle on without it. while walking about i heard some rowdy gents discuss a. selling meth in sacramento, and b. pretending to like the same things girls like in order to more swiftly pick them up. obviously i missed some portion of the conversation in there, as i could not for the life of me describe the correlation.

i also signed up for new classes next quarter. i'm taking two classes about british lit. it turns out i may not be able to declare my new english minor at all, not unless i can prove i have enough units. well, mother fucker.

so, evidently there are many new and novel developments in my life. though none of them are terribly exciting. i'd appreciate anyone who would want to come and visit me. send me an e-mail, a muffin basket, anything really. something to take the edge of boredom away. of course finals are rapidly looming. that's new. and it's difficult to be simultaneously bored and anus-distendingly stressed. maybe i do have something to look forward to.

December 07, 2004

a little side note...

i have updated my blog template so that now anyone can comment, whether or not you're registered with blogger. so comment! i like feedback. just please only say nice things.

greg has already commented twice, you can't let him win...

December 06, 2004

running water is great, hot and cold running water - bliss!

i just took the most luxurious shower. it's a cold, crisp day and the water was so warm and steamy. i lathered my hair up high with a thick shampoo and then combed it out smooth with conditioner. i exfoliated with a lavender-mint scrub that was cool after the scalding water. then i shut off the stream and shaved, using cream for once, up and down, with my sharp steel razor. it's hefty and takes real razor blades, no guard wires, no self-lubricating action, no clogging with hair, just strong and well-designed. you have to go slowly with one of these or you may cut yourself, and that's exactly what i ended up doing. i caught both knees and my right achilles and i knew it would sting like hell later. at the very least, cuts like these bleed for ages, so i finished up oozing blood from tiny gashes. when i turned on the water to wash everything away, there was blood and foam and silt from the exfoliant all over the bottom of the tub, and i thought it was all very elemental and poetic. i rinsed off and washed the conditioner from my hair. washed my face, brushed my teeth for that feeling of all-over clean and stepped out of the shower. i dried myself off, wrapped up my hair, put in one of my little bullet-shaped tampons, and put on some panties. i proceeded to give myself a pedicure like that, buffing my little toenails until they gleamed. i then dried my hair until it curled and bounced and fiercely moisturized until my skin could take no more moisture. manicure then, buffing like one obsessed, moisturized hands and feet, moisturized face, put on chapstick, pulled back hair and i was blissed-out clean 'n happy. i wouldn't consider myself a terribly vain person if you were to ask. i like my looks, but i wouldn't say overly so. i can resist staring at myself if there's a mirror in the room quite well, thank you. that said, this was an amazing indulgence and i would do it again in a heartbeat if it weren't so terribly time-consuming. there is something to be said about an obsessive orgy of hygiene, products and fragrances mingling wantonly with the scalding hot steam and then swirling down the drain. hee! the only thing that could top this off would be a massage. mmm.... i can totally see why some people do spa days.

title of some sort

the longer i go without update, generally the more i have to say. by that logic, i now have assloads and assloads of stories to share with all of you (you three people, you), unfortunately, i have, as is also rather typical, forgotten it all.

it has been lovely and raining ever since some time last night. i went over to amy and elissa's around midnight to borrow some movies and got caught in a bit of the storm. light drizzle, whatever. it's been getting really cold here at night, so you might imagine that being then rained on would have been unpleasant. but no. it was lovely. i left the apartment and squealed as soon as the weather hit me. walking back to my place, i had my arms folded and i was grinning. i may have frolicked slightly, my memory fades. with the rain has come a bit of wind, making the wind chimes tinkle out little tunes. amazingly, it seems roosh is a bit scared of the wind chimes. evidently she cannot sleep here alone for fear of the sinister...chiming.

we saw something friday night that would really have terrified her, had she been there. kat, amy, elissa, and i went to a nihilist film festival. many short films of varying appeal and quality. most of them seemed pretty uber-low-budget and sitting front row right under the projection screen, i had a bit of trouble with the grainy quality. they ranged in length from about a minute and a half to twenty-five, give or take. some of them really reminded me of the type of shorts you'd see on hypnotic.com back three or four years ago before it hit the big time and stopped using its bandwidth to host interesting flash and short film contributions from independent studios. there was a very trippy stop-motion animation that was much longer than i could really stand, for being a completely random and sometimes horrific show. it had a couple of good scenes, but the majority of it was just not visually stimulating enough, in my opinion, to warrant my attention for so long. halfway through kat whispered to me, "i wish we had convinced roosh to come, she'd be so scared." there was a very odd indian film about a serial killer, a journalist, and eunuchs. the best line - "i'll be your mother and you can blame me for everything." i suppose it was sort of a reflection on the old adage "between a rock and a hard place, though in this case, the man was caught between the eunuchs who wanted to make him one of them, and the killer, who wanted him to write for his new television station. this, i think might have been better appreciated had it been a cleaner copy, shown from a decent distance and at a more favorable angle. There was also a lovely film called "pervula," a parody on silent movie horrors, with a more, well, pervy twist. very funny. finally there was a great spanish film about being a revolutionary in little ways. it was very good. clever and more relatable the the rest. much better image quality, too.

don't believe that there is any friction among the roommates, however. our periods have even synced up. i always find it terribly disturbing whenever my cycle matches a close friend's. kat's on birth control, though, so it's not terribly surprising. i'm pretty regular and she just happens to have her off week right around when i'm due. roosh, however, has always been a bit off, but i guess the combined pressure from the two of us has pushed her forward. the period has finally given me a break from the overpowering horniness, unfortunately, the rather, erm, graphic fantasies have been slower to subside. i completely blame postmodern courtesan. stupid...graphic...arg! coming back from the usc game yesterday sadaf and i had a bit of a nap on the bus. she was sitting, with her torso lying on my lap, asleep, and i was propped upright leaning one elbow on her back. also asleep. and i have to admit i wasn't having the most innocent of dreams. i woke up very confused and it took me a full moment to realize i was on a dark schoolbus going north on 405 with a live girl for an afghan. i'm just very glad that i didn't drool as i am occasionally wont to do in my sleep.

so sadaf finally consented to go to the big rival football game with me. there was a bit of equivocation there for a long time - she was terribly reluctant to give up a whole day with finals looming. we did end up going, though, and it was very dramatic and rowdy and tense and loud. some sc fans sent up a blockade in the parking lot, forcing the stream of people going to the stadium into a trickle through the single gap in their lawn chairs, which they stood around, heckling ucla fans. one of them touched me. i was outraged. how dare that dirty man, a stranger, presume to touch me. he grabbed my shoulder, very close to groping me. had i not been completely unseated by all of it, i probably would have shaken him off and flung invectives at him. or kicked him in the shins. as it is, i probably just looked a bit frightened and upset. i hate being yelled at by big groups of people - i'm not good at confrontation. the game was very epic, though, and we did a lot better than anyone ever expected. usc is top rated team in the nation and we only lost by 5, beating the spread, and i think we're not even good enough this year to merit a rating. but there were miscalled fumbles and recoveries and towards the end, the score narrowed dramatically and it appeared we might have a shot, after all, but the tables turned once again and then turned back. it was all very gasp-worthy and i strained my voice shouting from the stands.

speaking of epic, the movie i borrowed from amy last night was the house of flying daggers. (gotta love asian bootlegs). very much in the tradition of crouching tiger and hero. i liked the fact, though, that i actually resisted the mythic quality as best as it could. there were the requisite twists and betrayals, but in the end, while the film made the point that the armies could not care less about their individual warriors, it refused to even reveal what happened in the grand battle that all of the scheming had been intended to bring about. in the end, all the political plots screwed with the lives of 3 small fry, who played integral roles in the final plot, but who individually meant nothing to the leaders of their respective causes. but it was these three that the entire tragedy circled around. and i rather liked the poetry in all that. even though it was terribly sad, as these movies tend to be (see previous titles), i dug the movie, and i ended up needing a hug.

for all that i am frigid ice queen and alternately burning sex-kitten (at least in the head), i've been very cuddly of late. i put in an away message today "i need people all over the apartment, just strewn about randomly, so i can get a hug whenever i want. that way, i could stop pestering my roommates so much." kat understands that i'm just terribly huggy, but i think it might weird roosh out a bit. i don't really care, though. without my mum around for me to maul constantly and demand affection of, i really don't have anyone i can readily pester but them. kat suggested last night as we made nachos at 4 am, that we must build me some sort of mechanical hugging machine. like a giant robotic teddy bear that when squeezed hugs back. i pointed out that that's much too like all those horror films where the special ai robotic friend goes crazy and attacks its special friend. i could imagine walking up to my big plush teddy and giving it a squeeze...it's arms close around me and it gives a squeeze in return. it hugs harder. "let go, teddy," i say. "let go, you're hurting me!" it keeps hugging harder and harder, crushing me under the pressure of it's animatronic bear grip until you hear, one by one, my ribs crack under the pressure and i scream from the pain as broken bone shards pierce my lungs. no, i think i'd rather have a nice skin, muscle, and bone thing to hug. at least those have fleshy bits you can bite, scratch, and stab if they try to hug you to death.

ooh, somehow today i was reminded of my strange childhood crush on beast from the x-men. i used to watch the cartoon. but really, he is something that nears my perfect guy. i mean, there's something so sexy rock and roll about a big, strong bear of a man with a radical dye job. but he has a softer side - he's intellectual, he reads kant and the russian philosophers, he listens to free-form jazz (which i abhor, but i still admit that being able to appreciate it is sexy), he composes poetry about being broody and misunderstood. i'm not a big fan of body hair, but i can make an exception for big, sexy beast. i know, not the most normal pre-teen crush, but give me a break, he's hot - i will not take your criticism. but i remembered this today, and realized, ah, is this why i tend to go for the bigger guys? i like the broader, maybe muscular, maybe even a bit paunchy (within reason), definitely taller sort. someone who, if he grabs you, really grabs all of you. you can keep your spindly wraithlike emo boys, i want someone who looks like he can take a punch. and probably dish it out, as well. but it's rather amusing to think that maybe all that comes from rather oddly-placed crush.

ah, speaking of guys, how are all my boys? greg was online again, a rarity these days, and i told him about running into his cousin at that party over thanksgiving. he's flying out west the same time i'm heading up north. i'll have to remember to dress up if we ever do end up meeting up. he's got me beat in intelligence, i'd like to at least match him in style. i made a very distracted chris help me write the conclusion to my horrid lit essay, which i have finally finished. and today was rexy's birthday. i talked to blaize online briefly for the first time in ages and he asked about jim. i told him i really had no clue what was going on there and he changed the subject quickly. evidently katherine has mentioned us a couple of times in passing in their correspondences. i was slightly disappointed, i was rather hoping he might know something i don't, haha.

ah, as for that lit essay, it needs to be turned in promptly first thing tomorrow, so i must get to sleep. i think i did a little better than last time, though my ending is a bit prosaic, i have to admit. i essentially talked my was around a cliche as a conclusion, but i really had nowhere interesting to go will all of it. god, i hate bloom's taxonomy. i blame junior year of high school and my horrid unimaginative teachers who preached bloom's method as if it were the answer to all of mankind's ills. i'm trying with all my might to break that painful conditioning, but sometimes i still have flashbacks to that horror. i will not end all of my essays with an "epiphany" god damn it!! sorry. old, old rant. and with that, it is my bedtime. i must go now. g'night.

(oh dear, i just realized that i forgot to title that essay. at the head of that paper is the phrase "title of some sort." that just will not do. glad i caught it, ha! oh well, at least i can put it to some use...)

December 03, 2004

unsatisfied

today was a sad, slumpy day. i was just fine going to class, but after i came back to the apartment everything declined. got back and decided to nap, as i ended up staying awake past 5 last night. talked to jim for the last bit of that about my inability to stand weather of any sort, especially the cold. the product of growing up in lovely, temperate bay area. i'm a spoiled californian and i know it. that said, i got back from class today and napped for a couple of hours. the roommates were out, so i had the place to myself, a boon for once, as it felt like a luxury being able to sleep half-dressed with the door open. though i always sleep only half-dressed. at some point the absentee roommate came in. i heard her open the door, the jingle of keys, the bang of a cabinet, more key noises, and the door again as she left. ah well. ran into her boyfriend today, at least. i finally got up and set about trying to fix myself something for dinner. we've been living on the dregs of our refrigerator, as we still had not yet gone to replenish the more perishable goods after the holiday. when the others returned, i was sitting on the couch, having just finished a tuna sandwich and two eggos, in pj pants, a robe, and wrapped in a blanket. Kat, roosh, and ib swept in, having come back from teaching inner city children how to read, chatting away and looking extremely well-groomed. i felt like a complete lump, watching my seinfeld and sleeping. the three then breezed back out, going to chipotle for dinner. ugh, trendy mexican food and an excursion. they offered me to join, but i just ate, had no cash, and couldn't bring myself to slide off the couch and spruce up. later in the evening, kat and i went for groceries to restock the fridge, and magically the bill came to about $30 - a miracle low for us. and now, hours later, i'm trying to begin a lit essay. i've also been trying to re-construct the research i did for my behavior experiment proposal, a final assignment in my ecology class. all my old information was lost with the laptop, so i had to retrace article database searches. the article database is shitily designed, so this entire process was far more irritating than it had to be, at one point actually coaxing a scream of rage from me. i felt a bit guilty at that. but now, i'm back to the lit essay, and i have absolutely nothing to say. i'm supposed to do a close reading of a passage from marlowe's faustus, but i can't for the life of me develop a thesis that isn't asenine. "marlowe uses words having to do with time a lot in this passage because faustus is scared of his rapidly approaching death and marlowe wants to create a sense of urgency. and of time. and death. yeah, death." this wouldn't be nearly so obnoxious if it weren't a large percentage of my grade, if i didn't need this grade to redeem disappointing performance on my last lit essay, if i didn't have to turn in a draft tomorrow. now if you'll excuse me, i'm off to find myself some better music from kat's cd hoard. maybe something blood-and-thunder for inspiration.

December 01, 2004

stalking tri-delts and a good time was had by all

at about 12:30 tonight i went over to yen's through the blistering cold (okay i bet it was only 50'F) all bundled up in scarf, gloves, and big tweed coat (i cut a very adorable figure) to avoid my work. and we spent the evening shooting the bull, gossiping about old acquaintances, laughing at people, and just before i left, the topic of her ex came up. her ex and the shank he left her for. dun dun dun! and, in a moment of brilliant inspiration, we decided to stalk them. stalk them good. what we know about her: drove boy-asshole-loser (as he shall now forever be named) to visit yen in order that he may break up with yen and thus date her, is in the *unmentioned uc campus* chapter of delta delta delta sorority, blonde, name is nicole (not actually nicole). so we stalk. we go to sorority chapter website and look up list of names - 2 nicoles. yen narrows it down. we then look through all sorority photos for her ex hanging on some blond. we hit a snag - yen has forgotten what he looks like. we google him and find...a picture. the hunt continues. we compare all skinny white boys in sorority shots with picture of ex. no luck, damn. (we did, on the other hand, find dozens of photos of scary asian sorority sister with grimace-smile that would give any child nightmares. oh, the eyeshadow. oh, the hideous forced expression of happiness. and the teeth. the angry, gnashing teeth. it was like a cannibal trying to sooth a frightened child, to lull it into false sense of security before dropping it in the pot. he smiles at it, adopting an attitude even more frightening than before. the child tries to ) but we do not despair. no, i look up her name on thefacebook, while yen googles her name. nicole has an account, but alas, no photo posted. yen has luck, though. photo of the girl on the website of an obscure scholarship of which she is the recipient. buahaha, we have our quarry cornered now! we go back to sorority site with renewed hope to double-check. and sure enough, the same nicole appears in a group photo with way more blondes that i ever thought to co-inhabit the same space. vindication!!! high fives all around, corks popping out of champagne bottles, we have our match. yen is totally cuter, i am obliged to say (loyalty to friends). if anything, yen has to be the more dynamic person, for god's sake. silly, silly boy. so then i came back (4 am walk alone through the streets) and wrote the conclusion for a lab report. it is now nearly 5am. graaah!

so, apart from stalking tr-delts, for the past three days, i've been alternating homework, generally of the renaissance lit variety, with reading Postmodern Courtesan. is rather brilliant. though elissa points out that, "sex is the guy banging away till he comes and thats that. no guy will come then eat out a girl unless he's married and she will not feed him unless he does," implying that Courtesan's stories are a bit far-fetched. aw, and i was getting all starry-eyed and hopeful. however a distorted view of life this may afford (i strongly doubt that many prostitutes are nearly as well-read or traveled, though there is also belle), i still find it terribly diverting. very hot, interesting, and engaging. and a much more comprehansible read than the faerie queene (which i have finally finished, huzzah!) or the duchess of malfi (yucky, yucky, yucki). i'm afraid i find it very difficult to read plays when i cannot picture the action, and when i miss a stage direction while reading a play hundereds of years old, written in not the most modern english, i become very confused and irate. let us just say that after that, i found the poetry of john donne a joy. at least lofty metaphors don't include offset "[exit]." i'm trying to choose what classes to take for next quarter. so far, i have bio and popular british lit. i can't decide on a third and dare i venture a fourth? probably not. nothing really interests me this quarter. i want to take another english pre-minor requirement, but class is at 9 every morning and my other classes are all scheduled in the afternoon. i could do more math, but a loathe that. behavior doesn't fit nicely into the schedule, either. and i don't even want to think about chem again.

so that's the trash, folks. but if you ever need an ex digitally followed, tracked down, or found out...call a hacker. but if you just want a picture of their new fuck-toy, call yen and moriarty detective services. we find you a picture of the bitch, so you feel better about yourself. *wink*