November 30, 2004

pre-emptive post-future regrets

uh! i finally finished spencer. it took me all evening to finish just two cantos; i really ought to have gotten more done tonight. but it is entirely my own fault, after all, i did alternate reading big, landmark piece of western literature with sexblog. oh, but Postmodern Courtesan is rather brilliant. still not belle, but very good. what is it with my love of well-educated and articulate whores? i suppose i admire the lifestyle. i'm not terribly excited about holding down a nine-to-five and i'm terrified and rather unoptimistic about the prospect of writing. what would be absolutely brilliant would be to just blow all my money on travel. spend everything i have and just go out and live in a series of total shit apartments in fabulous, diverse, and interesting places (every college student's dream, eh?), but who really has the confidence and the cojones to do that? it would be so sweet, though, wouldn't it? and maybe if i wrote, i could somehow live that life, or at least justify that life to my parents. fund that life. pity i'm no trust fund baby. there's something so...socially rebellious about what belle and olympia do, though they definately represent the shiny gucci side of things. it is in a way the same sort of life, what is a better aphrodisiac than total liberation? of course, when it comes down to it, i doubt i'd daring enough to do either. after all, i took the safe route in coming to la; i could be up to my ass in debt and wading through snow at cornell. i knew what i was doing in coming here... switching to english would be the daring thing, as well. ah well, the current of time will carry me along, maybe i'll snap and do the dangerous thing after graduation. the great thing about projecting the future is that you can convince yourself that you will entirely uncharacteristic choices and there's still always the slim chance that you will.

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