November 24, 2004

passive taunts

i've been burning myself a lot of late. burned my tongue on homemade soup, burned my hand picking a metal plate up off a hot toaster oven, burned the inside of my arm on a cookie sheet. it's shocking that i'm not all red and raw by now. the soup was chicken, made by me more or less from scratch. evidently it turned out a bit too salty. made jim come by and taste it, and realized halfway through the bowl, that it really isn't kind to make the guy you are seeing (or the nearest proxy) to try your cooking. it just seems slightly cruel, the culinary equivalent of the classic relationship trap, "does this make me look fat?" they can't claim to dislike the food for fear of hurting you, nor can they refuse to eat it for the same reason, so they're left, forced to choke down the entire contents of whatever platter you've placed in front of them, no matter how ill they are risking themselves. i wouldn't want to make anyone ill, i'd rather be told that my soup is crap (or my thighs too large, in the other case) and have no one risk food poisioning for my feelings' sake. of course, in this case, others have since tried my soup and i have not yet heard complaints of stomach craps or vomiting as a result, so i merely find it a bit amusing, his having to endure excess salination on my account. i still haven't tried the soup, myself, so i'm no judge as to its quality. (the small sip i did have scalded me, the result of my impatience, so there was no actual tasting it.) i did get a taste of how much excess sodium i managed to put in when i kissed jim goodbye. funny, that. i still feel i almost ought to apologize for putting him in an awkward way, but no one does that, so i think i will refrain. i certaintly won't even be seeing jim for another long block of time - not until after thanksgiving, at least. i'm alright leaving the situation undefined. after all, it is my fault it remains so, but i don't really know what to think, seeing him so infrequenly. i begin to question, at regular intervals, whether he is still interested. and whether i am. but when he sat beside me and i leaned on him, i felt the reassuring discomfort where we touched that told me i still am, so whatever things are, i will continue to go along.

i celebrated my laziness of late by skipping all of my classes, huzzah, and tomorrow (today) i get to go home. i am terribly eager to visit with all of my friends. that anticipation is what is spinning my world right now. that, and i get a replacemnt laptop, which will make my life much easier. i also plan on bringing home all of my laundry - a month's worth - because we're driving and we'll have the room. i know, that is really horribly uncheritable to my mother, but i'm hoping i will feel kind and do it all myself. i intend to spend a large portion of my time back home at the donut wheel, a local youth hangout and donut shop. there we will laugh and play and gorge outselves on pastries. i'm really anticipating this much more than i ought to, i think. i almost never went there when i actually lived up north, though many of my friends did, and almost all of my closest pals live down here with me during the year, so there's no apparent reason i should be so psyched. ah, as an unusual aside, i've been having terribly odd conversations of late. i get quiet satisfaction from talking in a terribly frank manner about masturbation. lately, i have suggested it as a remedy for both intense horniness and insomnia to two of my male friends. i know, it's a rather shallow joy, but i find it all terribly amusing. i wish i had the conversations here that i may show you, but when a friend im s you out of the blue, i paraphrase, "aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh i'msoooofuckinghornyrightnoooow!!!!" what reaction are you supposed to have? as for the sleep thing, well it always helps me drop right off, and i rather enjoy taunting matt. (o, corruptive heathen, make him talk of the sinnin.') not entirely related, paz vega, of sex and lucia charm, is in the new adam sandler "i'm a serious actor now" heartwarming holiday movie. every time the ads for it come on tv, then i point and yell "it's paz vega!" like some mentally sunormal fanboy. i think i have a bit of a crush. i want to say it's the feminine version of a man-crush, the type of heterosexual obsession men get about their favorite sports figures, but i just don't have the heart. angelina jolie is a woman i would probably swing the other way for, and honestly, i think this woman is hotter, even, than angie. what can i say? - i have a thing for the latin heat. (ha! now put that in your spank-banks, fellas...) no, sorry, strike that. so hopefully my next post will be from back home in the bay, on my strappin' new computer, and possibly written from within a donut shop. (i'm all a-flutter.) wish me love, and let us hope sleep-deprived katherine does not crash the car driving me back up highway 5.


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