November 20, 2004

for fear of sounding overly dramatic, i'll make this short. i get all gloomy and heavy around all my birthdays, done this for the past few years, now. the reasons vary, as well, but the gloom invariably hits right around this time. it's like the holiday doldrums, only premature. i was disappointed on my 16th - no party, no fun, no interesting doings. my parents forgot my 17th entirely, very sixteen candles. on my 18th, i didn't do anything, either, didn't even buy cigs or porn. last year had a little get-together in my dorm with school cake (there was disappointment over a boy, so sad).

i try not to be very demanding about my birthday, but it seems that that must be the only way to get fun. evidently no one else will accomodate me. but i hate demanding that sort of shit. and i get pissy and broody when i have to do things like bake my own cake. i always want other people to take care of all that, but it never happens. christmastime, too. you should see me around my family. last year i actually locked myself in a bathroom and cried for a bit because my parents really don't appreciate the effort i put into gifts, nor do they reciprocate. (i despise getting iou's wrapped in boxes like real gifts.) i decided they're getting socks next year, but who am i kidding? i'll spend terrible ammounts of effort again finding something my father would like and give my mother a week's paycheck worth of cooking supplies from the store. it's a little sorry, really. but i'm afraid i haven't had a series of bad boyfriends or dead-end jobs for them to nag me about on holiday visists, so i must find my tears where i may. (sobby mc weepster.)

so where does this leave me? broken away from my self-pity by watching shatner on conan. ooh, no one gives better rendition of "itsy bitsy spider" than you. and my birthday is in a few hours. as of 2:10 am, nov 20, i will be twenty!! yee-haw.


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