November 12, 2004

burglary is not robbery. go figure. (part 1)

been ages since my last post. ooh, god. not a terribly good time since then. let's see... midterm monday, midterm tuesday then wandered all over westwood to bring my visiting parents dinner (back in town driving back home from arizona), went to see the incredibles and then dyed my hair late weds (v. fierce), yesterday didn't have class: farmer's market, costco, came back and found my laptop had been stolen. yes, from my apartment. yes, it was all closed up. i think they came in off the balcony, it's actually terribly accessable and we may or may not have locked the door. everything i've ever written, all my passwords, friends' info; i'm slightly devastated. i'm more upset about the loss of all my information than the money i'm going to have to spend on a replacement. oh god, so much money, but i think it'll end up being a birthday present. i'm still rather upset about that as well, though. i was a bit afraid to go to bed last night. this past week, everytime i lay down to go to sleep the scale and emptiness of my room has made me slightly on edge. to the point where, monday night i had a small panic attack after hours of intense study and little sleep. kat loaned me her laptop and her baseball bat, but what i really wanted was the security of home, sleeping high, high above the ground with my parents in the next room to take care of me. in fact, i wanted someting even more secure than home. i wanted someone to come in and take me by the hand, look in to all my drawers, in my closet, under my bed, directing me around my room bathed in yellow light. big, strong adult person to prove there were no monsters there and to be loving and adult and strong so i wouldn't have to be. i felt like a total child; i just wanted to be hugged. i think the most upsetting part of it all was the shattering of my "invincibilty fable" - yes, bad things do happen to me, in a big way. not special, no divine protection, not even psychic vibes alerting me of trouble. i'm completely irrational, don't care. there's more, but i can't even begin to structure the thoughts right now. sorry.

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