November 30, 2004

pre-emptive post-future regrets

uh! i finally finished spencer. it took me all evening to finish just two cantos; i really ought to have gotten more done tonight. but it is entirely my own fault, after all, i did alternate reading big, landmark piece of western literature with sexblog. oh, but Postmodern Courtesan is rather brilliant. still not belle, but very good. what is it with my love of well-educated and articulate whores? i suppose i admire the lifestyle. i'm not terribly excited about holding down a nine-to-five and i'm terrified and rather unoptimistic about the prospect of writing. what would be absolutely brilliant would be to just blow all my money on travel. spend everything i have and just go out and live in a series of total shit apartments in fabulous, diverse, and interesting places (every college student's dream, eh?), but who really has the confidence and the cojones to do that? it would be so sweet, though, wouldn't it? and maybe if i wrote, i could somehow live that life, or at least justify that life to my parents. fund that life. pity i'm no trust fund baby. there's something so...socially rebellious about what belle and olympia do, though they definately represent the shiny gucci side of things. it is in a way the same sort of life, what is a better aphrodisiac than total liberation? of course, when it comes down to it, i doubt i'd daring enough to do either. after all, i took the safe route in coming to la; i could be up to my ass in debt and wading through snow at cornell. i knew what i was doing in coming here... switching to english would be the daring thing, as well. ah well, the current of time will carry me along, maybe i'll snap and do the dangerous thing after graduation. the great thing about projecting the future is that you can convince yourself that you will entirely uncharacteristic choices and there's still always the slim chance that you will.

November 29, 2004

give me a tropical breeze and a tiny-umbrella drink...

i got back to la last night after the longest car ride ever (at least from san jose to la). i don't know what it takes to pack i5 with that many cars, but it has to be something bad. nearly everyone was getting off at the same boonie stop, too, backing up the highway for an hour of driving at no more than 20mph. we finally arrived, i felt so sorry for kat who had to sit still for that entire spate, 7 1/2 hours to be exact, thrilled to be back. in a burst of energy, pent-up from that ride, i picked up my room, unpacked, fixed my bedframe, changed my sheets, put up posters, set up a wireless network, roped my computer to my desk, and cleaned my bathroom. finally, bed. had a normal day of class today. dinner and then tried to study. oh, good god. i must be in fucking estrus (meaning "gadfly" or "frenzy"), because i'm hornier'n a jackrabbit inna full moon (or some much more appropriate colorful expression from yon parts, not here). it is seriously messing with my learning vibe. i have been able to only get through maybe twelve stanzas of the faerie queene and it is way past time i finished that. there's something about winter - i think i've inherited my mother's tolerance for low temperatures; she has none to speak of. the nights have gotten freezing and i lie in bed shivering until my body heat pervades the sheets and fills the air between my blankets. day isn't a picnic, either. my hands are now almost constantly freezing, bad circulation or something, but i genuinely just want to sit with them nestled between my thighs now, not having to hold or lift or carry or write anything. i can hardly turn the pages of my book, i'm so reluctant to draw them out from within the folds of my blanket. but i seriously think the weather is exacerbating what should normally be a simple hormonal progression from sanity to gagging for a shag. my body just keeps urging me that if someone else were under the blanket with me, i'd be much warmer, rrrr. ugh, i just want to call jim up, but the fact that i've been the last one to call or invite or im for more than just the last several communications strongly discourages me. it drives me insane whenever i'm the only one to initiate contact, i feel needy and obsessive and like a nag, even when i'm not. hell, it's essentially the reason jeff and i aren't friends anymore. friends should not play "hard to get." so maybe i'll try the old standby - curl up under a blanket with cocoa and a book. and if that doesn't work, i'm forcing kat to turn up the thermostat, environment be damned. ugh, i want my warm weather back!! i may be frigid, but i'm sure as hell no ice-queen.

November 27, 2004

mother did my laundry

so sure enough, here i am at home and clacking away on my brand new baby, sweet little laptop. now, this sweet little machine cost me, personally, close to $2000, wireless hub, extra ram, and new computer lock included. oh yes, now this little darling is never going to go unchained from a stout piece of wood when i'm not present. (if only that worked with men, as well. rowr.) i went to the mall yesterday and got this brand new little beauty and more in thite the wallet-emptying excursion. i also bought: rocking new tie-band watch from fossil ($65); 2 nail kits with buffer, cuticle oil, and lotion at mother's behest ($40); and got a new cell phone, though that was free with phone plan. so not only was it a day of new electronics, it was, uncharacteristically, a day that i had very few reservations about opening the ol' pocketbook. i guess once you've spent an assload of cash in one place, any more seems reasonable. let us just say that i have no plans of getting robbed again any time soon. also, i'm whoring myself out this summer to make back the money.

this vacation has been fabulous, though. let me start from the beginning. the ride up with kat was fairly uneventful. we left about 8:30 wednesday night after recycling all the plastic containers in other apartments' bins. last time we attempted this, we were hit on then yelled at by a drunk tennant who liked to keep his recycle bins free of foreign menace. the xenophobic alkie called down from balcony, "uh, dudes, could you just take it out again?" once he noticed our bag in his upturned bins. kat argued with him while i freaked out at the unwanted conflict. this time, i hung back, acting as timid "lookout," trying very hard to look unaffiliated with crazy girl running into open garage across the street to drop off bags. once we had done our part for the environment and i had declared ballsey katherine my hero, we set off. hit traffic almost as soon as we got on the highway and lasted well through the valley. stupid valley. kat was exhausted from nearly-all-nighter the night before and long day bereft of naps. we stopped at some booney roadside mcdonald's where she had fries and a shake and i realized that drinking shake through a straw is actually terribly unattractive. i mooched her fries and we were back on the open road. went for a couple more hours with light conversation and light napping. stopped at a roadside booney in-n-out and i had a cheeseburger and a strawberry shake while kat slept in the car. tried hard to distract myself from what i was sure was an unattractive slurping to any casual observer. kat woke up feeling refreshed and i felt slightly greasy and syrupy. i have no idea what i thought or said for the rest of the trip, but hours later, at the outskirts of san jose i started to get giddy. by the time i saw my familiar freeway exit, home streets, and finally driveway, i was bouncing with joy. got back to the house at about 3am and gave a bit of a squeal when i saw my dad at the top of the stairs (partly because he had snuck up on me in the dark). put my things down and gave both parents big hugs. got a bit of an "appropriate bedtime" lecture, an often-reprised favorite, and got ready for bed, myself.

the next morning i woke up, as is customary, at 2. i showered and watched a bit of television before, sooner than expected, i was asked to set the table for dinner. thanksgiving dinner! there was turkey, stuffing (stuffing!), peas, mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, hawaiin rolls, and sacher torte for dessert (birthday cake!). my parents always supply me with sparkling apple cider because i'm not fond of wine. we sat about and gorged ourselves, and when it was through, i realized i could probably eat all i had consumed once more over. that night i joined yen, sadaf, and...some other people (they went to my high school but we never really spoke) at donut wheel for gossip and catching up. the table declared that the dye in my hair was unsuiting and i pouted. steph came by with an eyebrow ring so as to be more distracting and for that i thank her. then lj stopped by completely at random with her boyfriend and i made big happy noises. hadn't expected to see her until christmas so i was very pleased. (squeal!) we chatted a bit, but i was expeccted home by 1, so i left sooner than i would have liked.

the next day, i woke up at 1...or possibly 2, and showered and ate (thanksgiving sandwich: turkey, gravy, stuffing, lettuce, mayo). then went to mall. aaaah!! finally parked and went in. bought laptop, etc. i was glowing and very nice to the sales staff. scary nice. i'm never nice - i get timid. went home, dinner was leftover thanksgiving, then i met my friends at a japaneese restaurant, where i finished off sadaf's dinner. we all moved to starbucks, shahin left and a couple of thers joined us, and we sat about and gabbed for a while. yen's friend came, and we discovered she went to harker, where many old middle school chums ended up for high school. weell, turns out they were throwing a party, so she called and got us invited, so we drove up to saratoga to posh area and crashed a harker party! ooh, it was a scary blast from the past; sadaf was thrilled. michael was there, drunk as hell (he touched my ass! i was groped by childhood friend! it was so surreal!!!); and julia, cousin to clever greg in cornell to whom i've spoken more since being introduced than her; and rebecca; and paul; and jessie, who is a year older and a friend of kat's. the party was fun, but every single one of us was driving at some point that night, so no one could drink, even though the liquor flowed free and heavy. got back home just past midnight and stayed up installing things on my laptop until dad started yelling.

today i really did wake up at 1, showered, dressed, the usual. had more turkey for breakfast. went with mother to the lexus dealer to get the batteries in the remote door lock things changed and brought along the faere queene to read because, although it was assigned thee weeks ago, i still haven't finished. we stopped at the library, where i couldn't find the book i wanted, and returned home to play with my laptop more and watch tv. had the first meal that wasn't leftover fowl - salmon, rice, and asparagus - mmm. the rest of the evening will probably be spent with spenser in the pages of norton and dense verse. hopefully, i'll finish in time to go out, but even if not, i've had a fabulous vacation. i'm so content. don't make me go back...

November 24, 2004

me perks

after sad class-missing all yesterday, i started out today by missing another. peeled myself out of bed just in time to be late for ls. got bio midterm back and didn't do nearly as well as i had hoped, i was rather disappointed. i had considered myself so clever. later, read my happy way through many waters during calc and walked my way back to the apartment. i was quietly blissing the entire time, every step a little burst of joy at going home. hee! i'm so eager, i don't even know why. joyjoyjoyjoy, whee!

passive taunts

i've been burning myself a lot of late. burned my tongue on homemade soup, burned my hand picking a metal plate up off a hot toaster oven, burned the inside of my arm on a cookie sheet. it's shocking that i'm not all red and raw by now. the soup was chicken, made by me more or less from scratch. evidently it turned out a bit too salty. made jim come by and taste it, and realized halfway through the bowl, that it really isn't kind to make the guy you are seeing (or the nearest proxy) to try your cooking. it just seems slightly cruel, the culinary equivalent of the classic relationship trap, "does this make me look fat?" they can't claim to dislike the food for fear of hurting you, nor can they refuse to eat it for the same reason, so they're left, forced to choke down the entire contents of whatever platter you've placed in front of them, no matter how ill they are risking themselves. i wouldn't want to make anyone ill, i'd rather be told that my soup is crap (or my thighs too large, in the other case) and have no one risk food poisioning for my feelings' sake. of course, in this case, others have since tried my soup and i have not yet heard complaints of stomach craps or vomiting as a result, so i merely find it a bit amusing, his having to endure excess salination on my account. i still haven't tried the soup, myself, so i'm no judge as to its quality. (the small sip i did have scalded me, the result of my impatience, so there was no actual tasting it.) i did get a taste of how much excess sodium i managed to put in when i kissed jim goodbye. funny, that. i still feel i almost ought to apologize for putting him in an awkward way, but no one does that, so i think i will refrain. i certaintly won't even be seeing jim for another long block of time - not until after thanksgiving, at least. i'm alright leaving the situation undefined. after all, it is my fault it remains so, but i don't really know what to think, seeing him so infrequenly. i begin to question, at regular intervals, whether he is still interested. and whether i am. but when he sat beside me and i leaned on him, i felt the reassuring discomfort where we touched that told me i still am, so whatever things are, i will continue to go along.

i celebrated my laziness of late by skipping all of my classes, huzzah, and tomorrow (today) i get to go home. i am terribly eager to visit with all of my friends. that anticipation is what is spinning my world right now. that, and i get a replacemnt laptop, which will make my life much easier. i also plan on bringing home all of my laundry - a month's worth - because we're driving and we'll have the room. i know, that is really horribly uncheritable to my mother, but i'm hoping i will feel kind and do it all myself. i intend to spend a large portion of my time back home at the donut wheel, a local youth hangout and donut shop. there we will laugh and play and gorge outselves on pastries. i'm really anticipating this much more than i ought to, i think. i almost never went there when i actually lived up north, though many of my friends did, and almost all of my closest pals live down here with me during the year, so there's no apparent reason i should be so psyched. ah, as an unusual aside, i've been having terribly odd conversations of late. i get quiet satisfaction from talking in a terribly frank manner about masturbation. lately, i have suggested it as a remedy for both intense horniness and insomnia to two of my male friends. i know, it's a rather shallow joy, but i find it all terribly amusing. i wish i had the conversations here that i may show you, but when a friend im s you out of the blue, i paraphrase, "aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh i'msoooofuckinghornyrightnoooow!!!!" what reaction are you supposed to have? as for the sleep thing, well it always helps me drop right off, and i rather enjoy taunting matt. (o, corruptive heathen, make him talk of the sinnin.') not entirely related, paz vega, of sex and lucia charm, is in the new adam sandler "i'm a serious actor now" heartwarming holiday movie. every time the ads for it come on tv, then i point and yell "it's paz vega!" like some mentally sunormal fanboy. i think i have a bit of a crush. i want to say it's the feminine version of a man-crush, the type of heterosexual obsession men get about their favorite sports figures, but i just don't have the heart. angelina jolie is a woman i would probably swing the other way for, and honestly, i think this woman is hotter, even, than angie. what can i say? - i have a thing for the latin heat. (ha! now put that in your spank-banks, fellas...) no, sorry, strike that. so hopefully my next post will be from back home in the bay, on my strappin' new computer, and possibly written from within a donut shop. (i'm all a-flutter.) wish me love, and let us hope sleep-deprived katherine does not crash the car driving me back up highway 5.

November 22, 2004

it's my party

birthday antics over, oh sigh. it was a lovely birthday, after all. only a couple of disappointments to cast a shadow, but it was a shadow at noon, small and you could only see it if you looked down. stayed up much too late every night this weekend.

friday, i waited for my birthday to come. rexy imed me as the first birthday well-wisher and kat was in the apartment to show me affection. i nagged matt until he remembered what the occassion was. woke up at 3 saturday to calls from both parents, separately, for more birthday love. ims from suegol and steph were waiting for me and then suegol called. then i imed chris, who also forgot the big day and he told me he loves me, rather than wishing me a birthday. (no excuse for him, his birthday is four days earlier. he really ought to have remembered.) when roosh got back, she tackled me with congradulations. literally tackled me. visited sadaf in the dorms and got my gifts (very cool, thanks you guys!!), then kat and i went to 'lissa's and i got drunk and we watched girly movies and baked cookies and i gave myself a facial. got back to the apartment late, avoided the impulse to drunk dial, and stayed up with kat to watch buffy. finally today, yen, sadaf, and 'lissa came over, some of us supped of sushi and we baked cheesecake and watched practical magic. roosh was unable to join.

i dunno, so i was pretty pleased with my friends' level of response and the affection i got. one person was rather conspicuously absent, though, oh guess who...jim. haven't seen him since friday a week ago, hadn't talked to him since late thurs, while i was feeling bitchy, as it was terribly late and i still had a lot of work to do. he had actually blown me off for catching a movie earlier that day. (national treasure) bad excuse for snark, but whatever. so no jim around for the birthday and finally today i was able to speak to him. online. invited him to come get some of the cake later, once it was made, he declined. said he had to study. so after such the long time no see, more time no talk, i wasn't sure whether it was some deliberate slight or coldness or something equally as unpleasant. so i asked "should i be hurt by this?" to which he responded "i'm sorry. don't be hurt. i just have a lot of studying to do." alright, so i had ignored him for the week and a half before that, the the previous week, as well, when i had my own midterms, but still, this makes me a bit sad. it is by birthday, after all. but i'm not going to sit around and feel wounded now, if anything, i'm too pleased about the combination of my birthday and the joy of thanksgiving to come to worry about ambiguous relationships with boys. *little pout*

lovely birthday joy.

November 20, 2004

been alive so long

birthday!!! at the moment of the twentieth aniversary of my birth (alright aniversary and three minutes) i sprang up and in a quiet ceremony jauntily bouced up and down and squealed for a few seconds until my joy was spent. then i sat back down to watch the silly music videos on tv. but i had my one triumphant moment and everyone missed it. kat was elswhere (and sadaf and matt and suegol and yen and all the others) so no hearty clap on the back, and jim wasn't even online, so no way to demand birthday kiss. ah, well. i'm being just as silly as ever. but i think i almost prefer this moment unshared. it's my birthday, after all, and there's something to be said about the total absence of human drama...

but i'm twenty!!! so come by or call and give me hugs and kisses and good wishes. it is my birthday, after all!

for fear of sounding overly dramatic, i'll make this short. i get all gloomy and heavy around all my birthdays, done this for the past few years, now. the reasons vary, as well, but the gloom invariably hits right around this time. it's like the holiday doldrums, only premature. i was disappointed on my 16th - no party, no fun, no interesting doings. my parents forgot my 17th entirely, very sixteen candles. on my 18th, i didn't do anything, either, didn't even buy cigs or porn. last year had a little get-together in my dorm with school cake (there was disappointment over a boy, so sad).

i try not to be very demanding about my birthday, but it seems that that must be the only way to get fun. evidently no one else will accomodate me. but i hate demanding that sort of shit. and i get pissy and broody when i have to do things like bake my own cake. i always want other people to take care of all that, but it never happens. christmastime, too. you should see me around my family. last year i actually locked myself in a bathroom and cried for a bit because my parents really don't appreciate the effort i put into gifts, nor do they reciprocate. (i despise getting iou's wrapped in boxes like real gifts.) i decided they're getting socks next year, but who am i kidding? i'll spend terrible ammounts of effort again finding something my father would like and give my mother a week's paycheck worth of cooking supplies from the store. it's a little sorry, really. but i'm afraid i haven't had a series of bad boyfriends or dead-end jobs for them to nag me about on holiday visists, so i must find my tears where i may. (sobby mc weepster.)

so where does this leave me? broken away from my self-pity by watching shatner on conan. ooh, no one gives better rendition of "itsy bitsy spider" than you. and my birthday is in a few hours. as of 2:10 am, nov 20, i will be twenty!! yee-haw.

November 15, 2004

perhaps i should switch to tea

rather than study, i've spent the last few minutes polling my friends on various amusing endings to the phrase "i like my coffee like i like my men..."

yen always declares "BLACK!"
chris came up with "ground up and in the freezer," and i adore.
jim thought up "irish," which i think is just blatant self-promotion.
i'm accustomed to saying "milky pale and weak" (which i suppose is another way to say "irish." haha dis!)
and when i'm feeling in a gourmet mood, "passed through the intestinal tract of a weasel."
and kat and i, i just remembered, came up with "with a spoon in them" the other day. though she assures me it's from dressed to kill. rather enigmatic, that one, i believe.
kat would generally say "strong, black, and hot," which is a bit standard, i think. but i like "dark and bitter," as she describes that as emo and i'd like to think of coffee being such.
she also thought up, "americano," but that's too nationalistic for my tastes.
i like "vanilla," but only because i've got a bit of a kink, so i think it's funny. (chris says "ooooohh! that sounds like fun!")
along those lines, matt thought up, "with whipped cream on top." and, of course, i had to one-up him with, "with mini-marshmallows in." kat says that sounds horribly sexually deviant. so much for the vanilla, then.

so if you've got any other responses, i'd like to hear them. if only to distract me from my studies. and all this came about when i was trying to fix myslef a cuppa to keep me awake through the long dredge. bio midterm, i'll be so pleased once you've come and gone. then i can relax by enjoying a nice, hot shower and avoid this whole trouble entirely.

November 14, 2004

chilly down

epididymis last night reminded me of sir didymis and i wanted to watch labyrinth. oh, the glorious logical leap from penis anatomy to favorite childhood flick, but then again, i've been all nostalgic of late. except without so much of the tender sentiment. put movie on just now while kat makes dinner. had the urge to make crepes, but i just finished the last of the milk with breakfast (leftover tunafish). after all, it was 3 o'clock. tried to make crepes the other night with yen, turn out rather yech. wanted to try it again: 2c flour, 2tb sugar, 2 lg eggs, 2c milk, 2 tb cooking oil. yesterday, after picking all the meat from a roast chicken, i wanted to make soup. realized that i lacked all the veggie fixins - carrots and potatoes and celery. i think the universe is trying to keep me from cooking. but it won't stop me from oogling the goblin king! ooh david bowie, only you can rock the pants bulge, knee-high boots, and anime mullet.

hehehe, i learned to post picture!! broke my heart a little to learn it wasn't david bowie doing all those tricks with the glass balls. such a sexy skill to have. jennifer connelly is top on chris' sexy list - no one can dislike this movie. i annoy everyone about by quoting along with characters. well, back to labyrinth and learning. it should be noted, i'm in a much better mood today - neutral. huzzah. so let me leave you with this last bit of sagacity from david bowie and the fire gang:

So when things get too tough (get too tough)
And your chin is dragging on the ground (dragging on the ground)
And even down looks up (down looks up)
Bad luck heh heh,
We can show you a good time (show you a good time)
And we don't charge nothin' (nothin' at all)
Just strut your nasty stuff,
Wiggle in the middle yeh
Get the town talkin', fire gang

Chilly down with the fire gang (think small)
Think small with the fire gang
Bad hep with the fire gang (hey, listen up)
When your thing gets wild
Chilly down
Chilly down with the fire gang

burglary is not robbery. go figure. (part 2)

so, i called the police shortly after i discovered laptop gone, after trying desperatly to get ahold of all roommates to make sure they hadn't "borrowed" it. no, of course not. hadn't expected that to be the case anyways. first time calling 911, wasn't traumatic. taken down a peg when i was told i was "burgled" not "robbed." "whatever, my laptop is gone!!" nearly broke through my lips. cops were sent out. almost cried when kat told me she'd be devastated if her computer were taken. didn't. haven't had the urge to since. while i was waiting, i cut up giant salmon steak and wrapped up pieces for freezing. also chicken breasts. cops came - young. one was bald, the other had a bit of a lisp. took a statement, looked at the balcony, acted sympthetic, left. called half an hour later telling me that a fingerprinter would come the next day or monday. went to bed after long period of wakefulness and shakiness and pouting. next morning was awoken by roosh - fingerprinter had come. it was a young, attractive blonde, i discovered upon putting on pants and emerging from my room. she printed. evidently, you cannot lift prints from wood or plastic - they just get sucked in, whooo. she got one off the glass balcony door, but it wasn't very good. she left, i went back to sleep. told the manager that afternoon about the robbery and learned that we hadn't been the only ones hit - someone upstairs had lost a laptop the same day. perhaps we should start a support group. this morning, i discovered how this entire situation has affected my sleep. i woke up to every little noise. in this case, the roommate walking around outside my room, someone banging on a door and yelling for the manager, phone ringing. i'm a notoriously heavy sleeper, normally. one night at camp (space camp, will you believe?) i slept through a councellor shaking me and yelling, "what is your name?" when i was found, not in my bunk, but the one above. evidently i answered her without ever waking up.

i feel slightly wounded. it's not an entirely uncommon feeling for me. i walk around with a large gash down my abdomen, from my breasts to my bellybutton. it doesn't hurt, it just feels open and exposed, as if anyone could just reach a finger in and poke my liver. i feel bad that i'm upset about losing this thing, it's just a possesion, after all. i feel harried that i have two midterms coming up early this week. there's stress and guilt and worry and insecurity.

on a side note, i'm amazed that so many of my friends never had imaginary friends. kat didn't, jim didn't, amy didn't. i had assumed everyone did, but it seems that it's not so common as the media has lead me to believe. this all came about the night i was "burgled" and was rambling incohesively at jim so i wouldn't have to go to bed. i had not one, but two distinct imaginary friends - richard and jericho. biblical names because my nanny used to read the bible to me when i was little. back before i was a heathen. at that time, there were monsters under my bed who would grab my ankles if i stepped too close. gobilns danced around a circular rug by the yellow light of my nightlight and cast spells and wouldn't mind having me for dinner. i would build fortresses on my bed and play with my menagerie of stuffed animals - the dolphin princess and jaguar prince were in love, but it was forbidden and she was guarded by the hammerhead...well you get the idea. i'm not sure whether i should feel badly that i didn't have real people to play with at that time, or that they didn't have imaginary ones. i was a bit lonely as a child, i admit, but i also feel as if they might have missed out. on what, i'm not sure. maybe just the pure decadent exhaultation of the imagination and fiction. self-delusion is fun, you should try it!

so anyways, i'm trying to re-build my sense of security. and at the same time learn all about human reproduction, zygote formation, and hormone control. also, calculus. my new myth is that everything will be alright. and i fall asleep each night clutching my stuffed koala to my chest. any little bit of security i can find, i guess.

November 12, 2004

burglary is not robbery. go figure. (part 1)

been ages since my last post. ooh, god. not a terribly good time since then. let's see... midterm monday, midterm tuesday then wandered all over westwood to bring my visiting parents dinner (back in town driving back home from arizona), went to see the incredibles and then dyed my hair late weds (v. fierce), yesterday didn't have class: farmer's market, costco, came back and found my laptop had been stolen. yes, from my apartment. yes, it was all closed up. i think they came in off the balcony, it's actually terribly accessable and we may or may not have locked the door. everything i've ever written, all my passwords, friends' info; i'm slightly devastated. i'm more upset about the loss of all my information than the money i'm going to have to spend on a replacement. oh god, so much money, but i think it'll end up being a birthday present. i'm still rather upset about that as well, though. i was a bit afraid to go to bed last night. this past week, everytime i lay down to go to sleep the scale and emptiness of my room has made me slightly on edge. to the point where, monday night i had a small panic attack after hours of intense study and little sleep. kat loaned me her laptop and her baseball bat, but what i really wanted was the security of home, sleeping high, high above the ground with my parents in the next room to take care of me. in fact, i wanted someting even more secure than home. i wanted someone to come in and take me by the hand, look in to all my drawers, in my closet, under my bed, directing me around my room bathed in yellow light. big, strong adult person to prove there were no monsters there and to be loving and adult and strong so i wouldn't have to be. i felt like a total child; i just wanted to be hugged. i think the most upsetting part of it all was the shattering of my "invincibilty fable" - yes, bad things do happen to me, in a big way. not special, no divine protection, not even psychic vibes alerting me of trouble. i'm completely irrational, don't care. there's more, but i can't even begin to structure the thoughts right now. sorry.

November 03, 2004

fantasy sequences

my life has been rather...full, of late, and so i've had much to write. however, by the time i actually sit down to put it all down, it seems that i have already either forgotten what i had wanted to say, or else lack the stamina or inspiration to do so. i've also been trying to keep my posts relatively short as there are, well, so many of them. this is, of course, out of consideration to you, my reader, however, i hope you will bear with me today as there has been rather a lot on my mind.

mother and the aunt have finally gone. tia flew out today, leaving behind a pile of furs and another of italian lady-suits. my dad drove down to collect my mother and the coture. they will all be whisked off to arizona tomorrow, bright and early most likely, for vacationing and vending. the parents and i (and kat) had a cozy family dinner at cpk tonight (dad pried open his wallet and treated). i have to admit, it's terribly lovely to be on my own again. i missed the spaciousness (the parents are staying in a hotel tonight). dad brought me down my hairdryer, insurance card, and a poncho my mother crocheted for me. it's maroon with colored bands and a big rosette in the front. i find it a bit strange, but kat assures me it's cute. it feels like one of mother's hugs - soft and loose and warm. i'm sure i'll start missing her again almost immediately. after dinner, i was dropped back off at my apartment in order to study.

i finally began the ecology reading i have been putting off for days now. been at it all evening in fact, and i have gotten...14 pages done. i must admit, i have been a bit distracted. but only because i find the work terribly tedious. i played the hitchhiker's rpg and chatted with chris. and for your amusement, a portion of that chat:

chris: prolly gonna get drunken tommorrow night.
me: good times. why exactly? or just the fun of it all?
chris: need to be separated from this reality as such? lol
me: haha escapism, fine.
chris: sex is just as good, but I am lacking in that area.
me: poor thing, you've said.
chris: quite.
me: i'm a bit horny, myself. maybe it's just my regular clock, or else it might be that i'm reading ecology - i'm starting to believe there's a correlation between biological science texts and that.
chris: rofl, you're going to have to explain that.
me: it might just be that i get bored and my mind wanders...or perhaps on some subconscious level it just gets me thinking, "mate! mate now! mate!"
chris: 'tis possible. I'm nigh upon always available, just on the other side of the country.
me: pity. ...hell, i just realized that i'm alone in the apartment.
chris: oh dear. makes me wish I was there. lol
me: aaah! i'm bored, i feel obliged to work, can't work, and i'm just stewing in my own hyperactivity.
chris: hehe I'm reading now.
me: aw, "wish you were here."

so, out of boredom i demanded chris tell me a story. a brilliant story which i have included because it deserves a wider audience.

Five men sat in a dark room....every once in a while glancing at each other. Whenever eyes met, the men involved immeadiately retreated from the reality of one another by staring at the floor. It was uncarpeted tile. Black and white criss-crossing across the expanse of the room. The walls were stark, devoid of decor, white and uninterested. Finally the man walked in, "she's fine," he said, to which three of the men broke into grins. The other two men looked at each other in shock....They all stood together and followed the man out of the room. The two men who had glanced at each other in shock held back, allowing the other three to pull ahead. "What happened to the Sodium Penathol? I thought you were going to slip it into her drip to ensure that this would not succeed!" The other man gasped, "I thought your were going to do it!" he cried, a bit too loud and one of the other men looked back almost accusingly. He immeadiately blushed and looked at the ground angrily. "What a clusterfuck! How could we let this happen?!" They walked to the room in silence with no more utterances between them....When they walked into her room she was standing in the middle of the room....upon the sight of her, one man immeadiately gagged and promptly vomited on the floor...the woman was simply staring at the mirror, a look of horror and utter disbelief crossed her face....the two men at the back simply looked at each other...."I told you she'd be upset!" exclaimed the man. "You can't just put the head of Morgan Fairchild on the body of a gorilla and not think she's going to be upset!"
The End

i love it! any story that can intelligently use the word "clusterfuck".... unfortunately, while brilliant, the story was unable to distract me from certain...urges. so i imed jim "i'm bored, come over." know, i know that wasn't nearly as unabashed as my conversation with chris, but chris is in kentucky and neither of us expect anything to happen over that distance (astral projection being an untapped science) so i can be perfectly blunt without any concern. besides, the subtext wass clear in my message to jim, i do believe. i was rather shocked and suprised at my own shamelessness. good girls study for their midterms, they don't invited boys over deliberately in order to snog them. there wasn't even really any conversation once he got here. i made a stab at it: "so how have you been?" "busy." "yeah, busy." and that was essentially it. but i enjoyed it. after not really having seen jim for two weeks (the game really doesn't count), and one of those times having been with break-up-girl, i was beginning to worry that my allure had waned. guess not! i was terribly pleased when after a while of kissing, we just started cuddling (he initiated). i had no idea how badly i had been craving being touched. i wanted to pull him over me like a comforter and just curl up, soaking in the warmth and the warmth. he left after an hour, which is only fair, considering the number of times i've kicked him out so that i could get work done or a night's sleep. goodbye kiss verry nice.

now, i know i complained about all the poetry i had to read halloween night, but this one i just have to share. the second stanza describes so well an attitude, a powerful confidence, that i so admire and rather wish i had. and the rest of it is rather amazing as well. explores traditional gender roles and the role of the agressor. check out the puns on deer/dear and the hunter metaphor. author's used to chasing and getting his women. but then look at the descriptions used, "strange fashion" and "newfangleness," something has changed. last stanza: he's been told "let's see other people." and the words "kindly am served"... perhaps am served in kind? this is what he's used to doing with his girls but the tables perplexingly have been turned. oooh, i love it!

They flee from me that Sometime did me Seek
They flee from me that sometime did me seek
With naked foot, stalking in my chamber.
I have seen them gentle, tame, and meek,
That now are wild and do not remember
That sometime they put themself in danger
To take bread at my hand; and now they range,
Busily seeking with a continual change.

Thanked be fortune it hath been otherwise
Twenty times better; but once in special,
In thin array after a pleasant guise,
When her loose gown from her shoulders did fall,
And she me caught in her arms long and small;
Therewithall sweetly did me kiss
And softly said, "dear heart, how like you this?"

It was no dream: I lay broad waking.
But all is turned thorough my gentleness
Into a strange fashion of forsaking;
And I have leave to go of her goodness,
And she also, to use newfangleness.
But since that I so kindly am served
I would fain know what she hath deserved.
~sir thomas wyatt

last night, out of the blue, i began reminiscing about my childhood. to be exact, gymboree. and more than anything i wanted to roll around on top of a giant hard foam cylinder covered in red and yellow vinyl. i wanted to run under a giant parachute in primary colors, being waved up and down over my head, where, underneath the colorful silk the air is filtered a watery green, and, running out of the silent transient room, back in the sunlight, laugh. and that got me thinking about other child hood games. i wanted to play and old fantasy game kat had invented in our youth, "the nothing game." wherein girls were unicorns and fairies and pandas and anything good and pretty and they lived on the junglegyms and play structures, and boys were lava monsters and crocodiles and other slimies who had to stay in the tanbark and would try to "get" us with childish taunts and screams. i wanted to roll down a grassy hill laughing. i wanted to romp. and i was lying in bed, all intense desire for the complete freedom of youth and sunlight and carefree time, and i promised myself that i would go to the park soon.

and now it is terribly late and i still have a chapter to finish and an essay to critique. thank you for reading. goodnight.

November 01, 2004

romance-shmomance -or- lit geekery (next time on the rocky and bulwinkle show)

i spent all evening reading sonnets. sir thomas wyatt, henry howard, sir philip sidney, william shakespeare. it's not as if i elected to spend my halloween like this, but after i realized that i was terribly behind in work, it was the only recourse. i still have 150 pages to read and take notes on for ecology. i obviously too the easiest road first. not that this wasn't terribly tum-tum-tedious in its own right, i just find myself much more attracted to literature. so of all of that, i have posted 4 sonnets that i particularly like for some reason or another. ah, love. if i hear any more romantic blather tonight, i'm going to smash something or scream.

this one i don't like particularly well, the language irritates me: either stick with a strict meter or not, but don't mess with rhyme and foot and feminine ends (extra syllables, not booties) unless you're going to commit to it and just go wild. (beat poetry, yay!) i really only like this one for the sentiment, and the wry beginning. essentially: you can keep your poetic longings and hackneyed devices, i'm just as in love when i say my love's name. actually, i find that sentiment terribly romantic, something i rarely cop to as i enjoy exuding the persona of hearless ice-queen. but essentially, that's how i feel, you can keep your flowery words or large gestural displays, love is just as powerful simply displayed. (the heart of why i scorn romantic comedies so. yet such a guilty pleasure, ooh!)

Some lovers speak, when they their muses entertain
Of hopes begot by fear, of wot not what desires,
Of force of heav'nly beams infusing hellish pain,
Of living deaths, dear wounds, fair storms, and freezing fires;
Someone his song in Jove and Jove's strange tales attires,
Bordered with bulls and swans, powdered with golden rain;
Another humbler wit to shepherd's pipe retires,
Yet hiding royal blood full oft in rural vein;
To some a sweetest plaint a sweetest style affords,
While tears pour out his ink, and sighs breathe out his words,
His paper pale despair, and pain his pen doth move.
I can speak what I feel, and feel as much as they,
But think that all the map of my state I display
When trembling voice brings forth that I do Stella love.
sir philip sidney

shakespeare and essentially the same message. he describes his woman for what she is: not terribly pretty, not terribly refined, kinda stinky and rather overly made-up. but he still loves her. i always find it so silly when people idealize their lovers. (ooh and i've seen it happen to sickening degrees.) but it seems so juvenile, if you love someone, you acknowledge their faults. (don't get me talking about eternal sunshine because i'll go on for ever. of all movie romances, that is the most perfect i've ever seen. and i've watched an affair to remember. this mops the floor with that shit.)

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red, than her lips red:
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound:
I grant I never saw a goddess go,
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare,
As any she belied with false compare.

more shakespeare, but these i just like for the likin' also in some cases for the double-entendes. 'specially the last one. did you know that the last line in number 144 is a reference to an std? yeah, shakespeare's my hero.

In the old age black was not counted fair,
Or if it were, it bore not beauty's name;
But now is black beauty's successive heir,
And beauty slandered with a bastard shame:
For since each hand hath put on Nature's power,
Fairing the foul with Art's false borrowed face,
Sweet beauty hath no name, no holy bower,
But is profaned, if not lives in disgrace.
Therefore my mistress' eyes are raven black,
Her eyes so suited, and they mourners seem
At such who, not born fair, no beauty lack,
Sland'ring creation with a false esteem:
Yet so they mourn becoming of their woe,
That every tongue says beauty should look so.

When my love swears that she is made of truth,
I do believe her though I know she lies,
That she might think me some untutored youth,
Unlearned in the world's false subtleties.
Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,
Although she knows my days are past the best,
Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue:
On both sides thus is simple truth suppressed:
But wherefore says she not she is unjust?
And wherefore say not I that I am old?
O! love's best habit is in seeming trust,
And age in love, loves not to have years told:
Therefore I lie with her, and she with me,
And in our faults by lies we flattered be.

Two loves I have of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still:
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman coloured ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil,
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turned fiend,
Suspect I may, yet not directly tell;
But being both from me, both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell:
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.