October 17, 2004

when it rains, it pours

and it's raining outside right now, in a moment of intense universal irony, for the first time this season. i want to go outside and frolic in the cold downpour, but i have too much work yet to do.

my social and academic lives have both gotten a bit heavy. i'm a bit overwhelmed. i can't believe i've only been here three weeks. this is just venting. i've avoided writing in my blog for the past couple of days due to work, exhaustion, activity, and the complete unsurety as of what to say. but there has been plenty on my mind...

tuesday i had the big awkward moment where i sent jim the link to my blog and then spiritually ate a crow. wednesday, i had a rather strained lunch with him, during which i dreaded horribly conversation turning towards "the talk." that was neatly avoided when we ran into a harem girl (one of jim's female clan) and were contractually obliged to join her for lunch. any serious conversation was put on hold, for which i was immensely grateful, as i not only was dreading such a thing, i had no idea what to say in such a case. without discussion, however, nothing was resolved, and situation with jim was not really soothed any. (odd note - that morning i had the feeling i'd run into jeff, and lo! randomly saw him in ackerman. i think i may have acted slightly more eager than was absolutely necessary, but it provided relief from forced conversation with jim while we were getting food.)

thursday, i had a full day of class (till 5) and queasiness (bad tummy). that evening kat and i caught othello, and while i had intended to read my much overdue chaucer assignment, i instead went to meet sadaf at a frat party, half the appeal of which was that jim was there and i could perhaps restore normalcy. ended up back at his frat, topless and on his bed while the menu music of adaptation looped eternally, providing rather grim soundtrack to our distractions. i eventually pulled myself away and returned to the apartment, where i was forced to finish my reading for class the next morning, staying awake until 4 in order to do so. i guess jim situation was restored, though.

friday, i woke up early, cranky and exhausted. went to class, returned home. napped. that night, i was supposed to go to elissa's for party and fun. jim wanted me to go see team america: world police with him and his frat. (this might be slightly uncheritable, but i assume that in rather large part, his desire to show me that he was not just after ass might have helped to motivate this.) i instead suggested he just join me at lissa's afterwards. he was supposed to call after the movie. brought yen along to the party, which ended up as a few of us sitting around, watching family guy, eating garlic bread, talking. drinking. it was v. chill and all-in-all enjoyable. walked yen out and we were nearly accosted by some drunken boys, but for the grace of glass doors separating apartment lobby from the outside rabble. kat and i left not soon after that. didn't get any calls that night. called jim a prat behind his back. talked to him for a short bit before going to bed, and while trying to push through more chaucer. wished him a good trip, as he was driving up to berkeley for the game. called him a prat again, though only in my head. tried very hard not to pout.

this morning, i made a list of all the schoolwork i had to do. lots. and by morning i mean 3pm. but instead, after i got up, i showered, ate breakfast, watched a bit of the ucla/cal game (the 5 minutes in which ucla played the best of the entire game, it seems), went with kat, yen, and amy to trader joe's and ralph's, returned home, ate, and finally started making a dent in the list around 10. i've done much of my calc homework, but that's only scratching the pot. (totally not sure if that's actually a saying.) kat got hit on at the supermarket by a large black man who called her "baby girl" and yen struck up a conversation with an elder gent about granola. they get to have all the fun *pouts.* so, i've been sitting here for ages, mathing, and quietly feeling oppressed by the amount of schoolwork i suddenly have (after only 2 weeks of classes!!). kat brought me hot cocoa while i was cloistered in my room, working, and i love her for it. and i took a short break to watch venture brothers with her on the couch. truly, we sort of rock.

i'm feeling a bit confused about the whole jim "thing" - i don't really know what to call it - which poses a bit more of a problem for me than one might expect, as i am the one who refuses to have "the talk," in the first place. i put a lot of stock in words, as you might have noticed (conversation junkie, lit minor, bibliophile). but i do have a definite reason as to why i don't want to talk. or rather, i have one now, only after having gotten over the whole initial shock and panic of wednesday. and it's all semantics.

"virgin" means i'm not about to take fucking around lightly. "relationship" implies i have some sort of endgame in mind. "boyfriend" means i ask to be loved best of all. "friends" means i'm can't in good conscience ask for that. "uptight" means i'm not "enlightened" enough to be "polyamorous." or in other words, i'm just too "conceited." "on a break" means he's not over the girl. and in light of all of that, "broken up" means nothing at all. (yeah, that was convoluted.)

and with all those words in my head, i can't very well have a "talk." i am a firm believer than, in matters of this nature, nothing can be demanded, but must instead be freely given. and i don't see how a talk would lead anywhere but to demands. i don't feel as if i'm compromising myself the way things are right now. if i were to demand anything, i would be. but so would i be if i went much further along with any of this. ooh, complicated.

which makes it quite the pisser that i actually sort of miss the bastard. damnit!

and stop "aaaaaw"-ing!


At 12:47 AM, Blogger Moriarty said...

First of all, I seriously don't care who reads this, and Carla knows so 'cause she's sitting right here next to me... muhahahaha


So, dearest Carla. As I type this, I am reading to you what I am saying. But you are walking away to clean the cocoa cups. Seeeeee you can't even handle getting the talk from ME, let alone ... *ahem* . No explanation needed.

And on that note...... THIS IS ALL SOOO YOUR FAULT!!!! WHEN A BOY MEANS TO DEFINE, YOU DEFINE!!! haha... I can't believe you! You already know this, but next time I hear the confused cry, I'm going to turn the other way. So, my loving muffin, here is my advice to you, since I am extremely bored and not capable of finding any long-term party entertainment on this Thursday night:: (Jim, you're witness to this too)


I leave on this note. Carla, you'll be the only person to get this...

*Jim Jim Jim Jim Jim* *whistle* *chant* ... etc.!


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