October 07, 2004

in lieu of conversation

oh my god, what to say. *lowers head to collect thoughts* so, i'd much rather have people read this here than ask me about it in person, though i can see how the subject would be irresistible to some. *sigh* jim and i made out tonight. yeah, i know. and half of you out there are yelling "well, it's about fucking time!" but i have to be allowed to move at my own pace about these things.

so i went over tonight for calc help, and sorry to say it, but he was a lot less helpful than i had hoped, though most of my questions were eventually answered. most, not all. first thing i noticed entering his room, was silver frame with the words "love" and "relationship" or something like that on, with a picture of...who else jim and the break-girl. so, math was in the doing, and midway through he gets a call from an undeniably feminine voice - 3 guesses who, and the first two don't count. what had been a perfectly cozy little study, had a cold bucket of ice water thrown on it at that moment. jim got off the phone, and was probably too dense to notice any change in my demeanor, though i could just be an excellent actor, who knows! (shakes head.) so back to studying, distracted by the last half of american beauty, which, surprisingly, i haven't actually watched all the way through. he got a second call from the same person a short while later and when he hung up, muttered something about his "mother" calling so often. seeing no point in pretending that i hadn't heard the conversation, i asked slyly, "at sproul turnaround?" which is where the person who called mentioned she was. to which he brilliantly lied again, saying that it was a pledge calling (as in for his frat, as in a guy). i decided to be noble, rather than paranoid, and not be all psycho accusational. though there is no doubt in my mind who it was.

so, there was more television watching, as math was finished, and when the hand snaked its way into my shirt, as it inevitably was wont to do, i bit jim on the wrist. *snigger*

which, brilliantly enough, led into the whole "where is this going" conversation. though that turned out to be less in depth than one might have hoped. in essence, i told him i had reservations about pursuing anything with him because of...points at picture on dresser. to which he had a "nothing ventured, nothing gained" sort of response, that i had anticipated, myself. it was actually all a lot less uncomfortable that i would have ever expected, possibly because it wasn't a very intense conversation to begin with, but i did admit to liking him. which is, if you know me, a major feat, as i have been unable to admit i liked anyone under any circumstances even to entirely unrelated parties till, oh, say, a year ago. at that point, the future was left entirely up to me.

and there was more cuddling and, i have to admit, it was good. his hands were still running all over me, and he mutters into my head "god, you're hard to resist." ouch. and all this time, i'm thinking i always put myself into the position where i can either risk a bit of myself and get something i want, or "trust to fate" and pine away, alone. so i'm there slowly building up the balls to do what i've always known i'd do anyway, and he gives me a peck on the mouth. which just tore it right there. needless to say, we kissed more, as one peck does not constitute "making out." but it was all very sweet and quiet, not what i'd call a hard-core snog at all, for all the voyeurs reading this. not too long after, i left for the apartment, hey, it was 2 am. for parting words, i essentially left him with "don't fuck with me," the subtext of which was "next time masha calls just tell me; i won't trust you if you lie." i don't think he caught it, though. kissed him goodbye, dreading having to face kat's teasing when i got back. walked home in the dark. opened the door, trying to wipe the guilty look off my face, but it was unnecessary, as all had gone to bed.

so now, here i am, convinced it wasn't an unwise decision, but, shit, if i get hurt, i'm gonna sic' elissa on him.

(ironic side note: i was wearing my brand new voodoo girl tank top. oh, god, how apropos.)


At 5:39 PM, Blogger Sadaf said...



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