October 10, 2004

i don't even understand myself, anymore

went to triangle last night because jim demanded that i play diplomacy with them. evidently hadn't realized that i hold no truck with "strategy" games or "war." i brought yen along and we made witty little jokes about european politics around 1901. i felt my grasp of history was something less than most others' in the room, however i still managed to come out with a completely brilliant little joke that i promptly forgot. it shall be lost to the annals of time. so, i played apathetically for about 3 rounds and then opted to run outside to listen to the fight a couple was having across the street. i wasn't the only one. yen, in the meantime busted out with her militant feminism, to my delight, and antagonized the frat boys on several topics, including double standard in the use of the word "slut," and the predominantly masculine reading list standard to most high schools. we left after not too long.

when i got back, however, i was struck with the urge to draw (which left again me halfway through the process) and stayed up talking to jim online. it ended up being a 4-hour conversation. i didn't get to bed until around 6. it was a good conversation, i can't complain about that in the least, but i also can't say i'm pleased that it happened. forgive me for sounding insane, but all this means is that i'm open for another level of attachment. have i ever mentioned that i'm horribly commitment-phobic? and discovering new facets to an interest's personality somehow does not make me sleep better at night? i think i might, in fact, be pretty fucked-up.

i'm starting to liken whatever it is that i have with jim cold war; i'm really dreading "escalation" of this "cold" war into a "hot" one. essentially, i'm russia. i just don't have the resources to engage the u.s. in successful battle. though i am a pretty big bombshell. (uung. no, shut up.)


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