October 02, 2004

gas, ass, or grass, no one rides for free

you know, this is a pretty common complaint for me, but i wish i were more competent at the whole "relationship" thing. seriously, it's getting really pathetic.

so, i was supposed to go to the football game with sadaf and jim. i walked to de neve to pick up sadaf, getting stopped by a bike cop on the way for j-walking (shakes head sadly), and we went to triangle to get our rides. sadaf knew one of the frat boys from class, it is an engineering frat after all, and it seems he digs her a little, what with the cleverness and the hotness and the iranianty. after much milling around, we all finally left for the game. as a side note, jim's car is a dark blue mustang convertible. that's kinda hot.

we arrived and "tailgated" through the first half of the game, absurdly. but i was fed and beered. i was actually rather afraid to drink, because, well, the j-walking thing was my second run-in with the law in two days, and i'm thinking it might be the start of a trend, but nothing bad happened. we went into the game, where i still didn't watch too much as we sat in a section in which everyone stood, and by that time i was a leetle bit buzzed(=sleepy). sadaf and jim actually sort of clicked in their common love of carla-abuse, and she gave me vague gestures that i assume indicate she approves of him. then we left early.

afterwards, jim and i hung out in his room for a bit. and here is where shit gets weird. if i understand my baseball metaphors correctly, and i might not, i admit, he got to second base, but skipped first entirely. i assume that would involve some sort of mad dash diagonally across the field, tossing aside the pitcher like a sack of so much flour, taking out the shortstops with well-aimed kicks to the groin, and barreling straight into the third baseman head-first. so there's the mad question, why do i not just take the initiative? well i really don't know where he is going with all of this. am i a piece of ass? a piece of ass with conversation perks? a friend who benefits him? or does he want "love." i'm not going to go after him, just to be toyed with like a piece of string, (i've been playing with string a lot lately) which i'm starting to fear might be the case, as i overthink everything ever. but in this case, fears may be valid. i seem to recall that he and the not-ex-but-"break" girl were going to go to europe during christmas break. he mentioned today he would, but i remember hearing last year that they both were to go. so if that is the case, i see myself getting thrown over faster than a reality show romance after the cameras stop rolling.

so i don't know, i'm reluctant to get all "heavy" on him and demand explanation(!!!), and reluctant to take the reins if i might get screwed (in the weeping into a pint of ice cream way, not the "yeah baby, harder, faster" way). but jim is acting very odd and while he will nuzzle me, or peck the top of my head, and don't forget the groping, won't actually kiss me. which i kinda understand, as i don't think he can tell if i'm interested in him or merely tolerating his attentions. and i'm beginning to wonder if i really am interested in him. there's that whole aforementioned shit hanging in front of me, his hands get all warm and sweaty, and when i'm around him, i just don't feel any heat (also literally, i think his body temperature is lower than mine, and i don't like cold things), but that could just be the result of the other reservations. but he is, in general, pretty sweet, cute, and terribly similar in taste. and i do rather like him. i hate to be such a tease.

this is sad, but until i make some sort of decision, it really does seem i am just using him...for his tv. i guess i won't be forced to some sort of decision until we sign up for cable, though. some time far in the distant tomorrow. (cue theme song from the outer limits)

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