October 19, 2004

don't adjust your dial, we control the vertical and the horizontal...

i was accosted and forced into picnic online roleplaying. i don't really know, either. but this is what arose from that odd, odd occurance. enjoy.

DisposablePlates: Free Potato Salad, BYOB, the sack race is at noon, followed by punch and pie.
me: right.
freenapkinz: hello
me: who are you?
freenapkinz: welcome to the picnic table
freenapkinz: I'm a table setting
DisposablePlates: Would you like some fried chicken?
me: good or evil table setting?
freenapkinz: i claim no allegiance
plasticnighf: evil
DisposablePlates: good
DisposablePlates: but i can be evil if you want....
plasticnighf: doug.....pass the mustard
freenapkinz: *passes the mustard to frank*
freenapkinz: (if you hadn't noticed, we're role playing table settings)
freenapkinz: (want to join?)
me: ooh, no i got that
freenapkinz: great
plasticnighf: good
me: hmm, can i be a salt shaker?
freenapkinz: yes, but you will need to change your call sign
DisposablePlates: actually, doug
DisposablePlates: Earl is already SaltShaker
plasticnighf: fuck earl
freenapkinz: oh I see
plasticnighf: he never comes to meetings
freenapkinz: frank, be courteous
DisposablePlates: yeah.
DisposablePlates: okay
freenapkinz: we have a guest here at the picnic table
DisposablePlates: salt shaker is open
plasticnighf: my eggs have gone saltless for days
me: ooh, but if earl has dibs on salt shaker, i can't very well intrude, can i?
me: i mean, it would be rude
me: and sodium is not really all that good for you in such high ammounts
plasticnighf: so....."saltshaker"...are you a male shaker or a feamle shaker?
me (hitherto known as "ms. salt"): oh, female
plasticnighf: excellent
freenapkinz: good good
freenapkinz: we need more female table settings
plasticnighf: we havent had a female at our table for quite some time
DisposablePlates: indeed
DisposablePlates: especially since Frank's eggs need salting
plasticnighf: ever since "Napkin Wholder" left Doug
plasticnighf: we have been rather male oriented
"ms. salt": oh, poor doug
plasticnighf: yes
freenapkinz: <--- doug
freenapkinz: yes i know
"ms. salt": no one to hold you, that's sad
"ms. salt": you might very well blow away
plasticnighf: he's cloth
freenapkinz: yes
DisposablePlates: that's why we need a salt shaker
"ms. salt": to double as a tableweight?
DisposablePlates: indeed.
freenapkinz: i'm famous
DisposablePlates: something needs to hold doug down
"ms. salt": and not just his heavy heart, eh?
DisposablePlates: he can get wild if he gets near some creamy potato salad
plasticnighf: where is "chickenofthesea" this evening
plasticnighf: ?
freenapkinz: i am not certain
freenapkinz: im a diverse napkin. all races, colors, and ethnicities have wiped their face and foreheads on me
plasticnighf: damn
plasticnighf: he owes me a buck fidy
"ms. salt": quite the claim to fame
freenapkinz: oh yes, such famous people such as pat benitar and the lead singer of Earth, Wind, and Fire have used me
plasticnighf: dont forge the lead singer of...CREED
freenapkinz: i feel loved, yet loneley
freenapkinz: oh yes
"ms. salt": i'm impressed, but you must go through the spin cycle quite a bit, to be put to such frequent use
freenapkinz: after all, I am a christian napkin
plasticnighf: he puts himself on auto dry most of the time
"ms. salt": fabric softener?
plasticnighf: nah...starch
plasticnighf: ive seen him
DisposablePlates: Jesus smiles upon picnics
freenapkinz: yes he does
"ms. salt": ouch, rough
plasticnighf: only if they are blessed...we are far from blessed
freenapkinz: true
freenapkinz: i've been used inappropriately
plasticnighf: *hit self in head with board
DisposablePlates: lol
freenapkinz: please nighf, behave yourself in front of our guest
plasticnighf: sorry
plasticnighf: im a bit on edge
freenapkinz: why?
plasticnighf: if you catch my drift
freenapkinz: ah
freenapkinz: you card
plasticnighf: IM A NIGHF
freenapkinz: you need to be dealt with
freenapkinz: a-ha
"ms. salt": ouch, a punny knife. the worst kind.
freenapkinz: he's the little nighf that could
plasticnighf: hey...dont annoy me
DisposablePlates: but if he doesn't behave himself, we might have to put him back in the drawer
DisposablePlates: he'll cutcha
plasticnighf: remember what i did to "SPOORK"
freenapkinz: *GASP*
freenapkinz: not the drawer!
freenapkinz: thats so mean
plasticnighf: HMMMMMM....i wonder if we will ever se "Mr. E Meats" again?
freenapkinz: perhaps
plasticnighf: it sure is hot here
freenapkinz: so, Ms. Salty, what have you to say?
"ms. salt": hmm, i don't know, this drawer you speak of sure does sound foreboding, though
plasticnighf: it is a dark and unforbiding place
plasticnighf: but usually only my kind are placed there
plasticnighf: your kind are left on the table
freenapkinz: yes
plasticnighf: to bask in the glory of all that is "TABLEHOOD"
freenapkinz: 'tis a horrible place
"ms. salt": which is why we are not very familiar with its secrets
DisposablePlates: i usually just get tossed aside
freenapkinz: oh, don't be so hard on yourself
"ms. salt": inglorious end.
DisposablePlates: in the trash, or used as make shift toilet paper
freenapkinz: (keep it in roleplay please)
plasticnighf: or as a hat
freenapkinz: toilet paper is used for another game ...
plasticnighf: ...pooping?
DisposablePlates: right sorry...got my days mixed up
DisposablePlates: Toilet Talk is on Wednesdays
DisposablePlates: sorry doug
"ms. salt": i see
freenapkinz: its cool
freenapkinz: see, I don't moderate wednesdays
plasticnighf: from where to you hail of salty one?
plasticnighf: or do rather
"ms. salt": oh, i'm coarse-ground sea salt from the pacific
DisposablePlates: WHOO...I like the rough salt
plasticnighf: arg..i was hoping for some rare dead sea salt
"ms. salt": the dead sea is so saturated, it can hardly be called "rare"
plasticnighf: yar..but it is far away
"ms. salt": well, in this part of the world, perhaps, but i'd say that it's terribly common if it weren't for its distant origins
freenapkinz: oh, you mean napkinland?
freenapkinz: such a distant land indeed
plasticnighf: so are diamonds lass...so are diamonds
plasticnighf: but they to fetch a pretty penny
plasticnighf: the kind where lincoln is wearing a monocle
plasticnighf: and a dunce cap
freenapkinz: oh yes, we also roleplay currancy
freenapkinz: I love to play at the Deustchmark
"ms. salt": but what need does a simple salt shaker have for diamonds?
plasticnighf: im a nighf
plasticnighf: i know not the desires of salt shakers
freenapkinz: nor do i
freenapkinz: perhaps she could tell us
DisposablePlates: me thrice
DisposablePlates: yes
"ms. salt": oh, mostly a clear table on which to sit and plenty of victuals to salt
"ms. salt": we're a simple folk
"ms. salt": not nearly as uppity as those pepper grinders
DisposablePlates: would you ever salt foodstuff that has been place upon me?
plasticnighf: My folk are a mighty folk, we forced genocide among the lesser "knive" races
"ms. salt": why, i've barely met you, plate
plasticnighf: only the NIGHF reign supreme
DisposablePlates: but would you though?
freenapkinz: yes, would you rub your salt on me too?
freenapkinz: i would love that
"ms. salt": maybe at some later date, when we've become a little better acquainted...
DisposablePlates: we're all friends at the picnic table
DisposablePlates: remember:
DisposablePlates: jesus smiles on picnics
freenapkinz: yes
plasticnighf: not this picnic boys.......only Ba'al comes these days
freenapkinz: jesus is the custodian
freenapkinz: Hey-sus
freenapkinz: he cleans up after our mess and smiles
plasticnighf: interesting analogy
"ms. salt": very kind of him, i must say
freenapkinz: yes
freenapkinz: he looked upon me one saturday even while I was covered in BBQ sauce
freenapkinz: and said ..
freenapkinz: and said ...
freenapkinz: "Me gusta"
freenapkinz: Such loving words
"ms. salt": such unflinching acceptance
freenapkinz: if only my napkin holder were around to see it
plasticnighf: he is the savior, is he not?
plasticnighf: i look forward to the rapture
freenapkinz: she split and ran off with that bastard paper towel
freenapkinz: she said "bounty is tougher"
plasticnighf: well Brauny has my back
"ms. salt": ah, but you are reusable, i'm sure you'll get over it with time
freenapkinz: yes, but the stains remain
freenapkinz: those painful stains ...
"ms. salt": while he will be discarded almost immediately after use, despite his ability to withstand hard wear
freenapkinz: woe is me
freenapkinz: oh he has a mighty roll
freenapkinz: im just a small napkin
plasticnighf: i hate virginia
"ms. salt": but he has, what? 100 sheets of use and then he's nothing but a brown paper tube
"ms. salt": virginia?
plasticnighf: eye..but an impressive tube at that
freenapkinz: yes, a long, thick, brown, tube
plasticnighf: you know what they say about the brown ones
freenapkinz: mm hmmm
plasticnighf: yes
plasticnighf: virginina
DisposablePlates: Napkinz is threatened by long, thick, brown tubes
plasticnighf: the great southern state of virginia
plasticnighf: my homeland
freenapkinz: AH MOTHERLAND
freenapkinz: yes
"ms. salt": from whence all nighfs yeild?
plasticnighf: where Robert E. Lee used the Nighf squad to fight the union forces
plasticnighf: and yes
plasticnighf: where i
plasticnighf: Plasticus Nighficus hail from
freenapkinz: Ms. Salty, do you find napkins ... attractive?
plasticnighf: you know wha
plasticnighf: ?
DisposablePlates: hmm?
plasticnighf: things have been mighty tame since "Red Party Cup" left
plasticnighf: even though he was a commie bastard
freenapkinz: true
DisposablePlates: he always wanted to share the biscuits
"ms. salt": well, sr. napkin, i admit myself more partial to tupperware
"ms. salt": something about the pop and seal lids...
freenapkinz: TUPPERWARE?
DisposablePlates: TUPPERWARE IS A CHEATING BITCH!
freenapkinz: Get the fuck out
freenapkinz: Tupperware is forbidden
plasticnighf: we do not mention his name
DisposablePlates: we don't speak of tupperware
plasticnighf: they are the ones we do not speak of
"ms. salt": but the mystique...the dark mystery...
freenapkinz: No
DisposablePlates: well gentleman, i certainly can't enjoy this bountiful feast anymore
freenapkinz: Nor I
DisposablePlates: i'm too upset
freenapkinz: Ms. Salty has become bitter
freenapkinz: we will continue this discussion later
"ms. salt": sorry, plates, to disappoint
freenapkinz: i'm off to be folded and washed
DisposablePlates: sorry cannot close old wounds.
plasticnighf: im gunna go be used in a prison riot
"ms. salt": you shiv 'em good, nighf
DisposablePlates: i'm going to be cut up into a small child's mask, and perhaps have macarroni glued on my face
plasticnighf: right in the kidney
"ms. salt": ouch
DisposablePlates: good day to you sirs.
plasticnighf: take that you nefrons
freenapkinz: good day
"ms. salt": and i'll sit on the table, until someone accidentally spills me and summons the devil...
"ms. salt": night

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