October 31, 2004

"morning" has lost all meaning

woke up at 3. 4, if you forgot to fall back. freak the fuck out. so much to do so much to do, what was i thinking??? look up scedules, fear a little dissipated. i have two midterms and a quiz. not hardly prepared for any of them. i need to catch up on calc problems for the quiz. tuesday. i need to catch up on readings for lit midterm, i'm about a week behind. week and a day. wednesday. missed lectures in ecology. need to read the book. need to read 133 pages and take notes. midterm in a week and two days. not feeling happy. feeling stressed and pressed and antisocial. no fun until i've learned all this shit. yeah right.

subject-verb formation

let me tell you about my evening, and excuse my spellings, i'm rather drunk. got back from game and sat around a bit. called kat to see about dinner and made plans with her and amy to meet at olive garden for dinner. mom got back from day out with aunt and came along. zoupa toscana (too much red pepper), chicken vino bianco (too little sauce) and jim and break-up-girl at the next table. dramatic, no? kat and amy could see them from their seats and informed me of their presence. twinge of jealousy. i was hidden in a back corner of the booth so i just pretended to have no idea they were there. conversation, soothing balm, i'm okay with it really. actually, really. what began as a twinge of jealousy dissipated into ambivalence. after all, he's not my boyfriend, i don't really get to be jealous. end of dinner, try and get up and leave without being spotted. no. jim leans back in his seat, calls my name, waves. v. obvious. i was hoping to never have to acknowledge this rather unusual situation. smile and wave, the smile is probably sickly or threatening, definately not simple and friendly. not sure how that went across. get to leave without more than an upbeat "hi," thank god i'm not forced to stay and make small-talk. pass through ralph's, have to pee. return home. urinate. assemble fangs. god i hate moldable thermoplasic. seriously. a pain in the ass, but end result pretty good, disregarding lisp. kat tells me break-up-girl's away message says it's becoming a tradition, dinner. whatever. help kat with her costume, we're going to the institute of mental decay. run to cynth's to borrow clothes. end up staying there and drinking hard lime till 3. oops. so much for mental decay, or at least, well, yeah...mental decay. trivial pursuit was played. puns made. all the people from high school i never hung out with. good times. drank 3 hard limes, 3 shots rum. oh my. tipsy. call jim - walk home? (need affection.) no. cynth and mark walk me home. i can't find my keys. call apartment, roosh lets me in. need to pee. jim calls, i got home alright, thanks, not to you. (no affection.) sweet that he called. brush teeth pass out. i ought to drink some water. i liked tonight. i'd like to be pissed at jim or something but i'm just too dead inside. whatever. not upset no walk not upset dinner not upset no kisses just want sweet sweet sleep. and i'm not being dramatic or lying or sarcasm, i really don't care. i don't know why.

October 30, 2004

literature, ballet, football

mother is here, trying very hard not to baby me. she made my bed the other morning while i was in the bathroom and has been paying close attention to my class schedule to make sure i get to leccture on time. i find it partly adorable, and partly irritating, but i'm trying to see it more in the first way than the second. my aunt came and left - staying with a friend in town.

thursday night's plans for a party fell through entirely as i had a paper to write. entirely uninspired and juvenile piece about sir gawain and the green knight, ability to be brilliant spent with bio midterm. friday night went to the ballet, a show called blush. terribly antic and theatrical russian company: naked man on stage. lyrical violence. yelling at the audience. i saw panties, panties, panties, pigs, poetry. it was pretty fascinating, and just cements my love of modern ballet. dancers were in life and on a screen and in bags. late night was spent bored and watching bad tv. also playing hitckhiker's guide to the galaxy text-based rpg online for hours. wanted someone to come by and bring me a movie to see. i felt like gore. mother went to bed early, necessitating me to turn down volume on the tv to sub-audible levels. but i didn't. jim imed at 3 am deminding i go to his place and watch a movie. i declined.

my cell phone's shelf life seems to have been slightly longer than my wireless plan. suddenly the screen flickers and the display shuts off with no warning. today i woke up and tried desperately to get ahold of jim on the phone for about 7 missed phone calls before i just went over there to wake him up. he had promised sadaf and me a ride to the football game, but didn't wake up until half an hour into it, when i made one of his frat brothers shake him into consciousness. had an awkward moment in his room while he groggily tried to collect himself and dress. we picked up sadaf and got there about half time. regardless of late entry, it was a good game. shutout. i sat or stood between the two of them, willing jim to put his arms around my waist, but the most i got was a head resting on my hip. car rie back, top down (the car's not mine). i amused myself by knawing a little on my sweatchirt, making faces at people, staring at the clouds, and all the other little child things i do. got dropped back off at the apartment, hug and kiss on the neck, and went in. he has terrible timing, when i feel like being touched, he's restrained, when i'm sick and feeling gross he's all over me. i ought to work out some hand signals or something. now, i intend to watch tv with norton's anthology open to utopia in front of me for the guilt trip. enjoy.

October 27, 2004

outside looking in

i've been way too busy these past days. studying for my ls midterm was probably more stressful that it should have been. but now that the test is over (did so-so. ironically, studied more complicated stuff than was on the test and ignored the simple crap that was.), one might think that the workload might have lightened. no. but i'm not helping the situation any. once again, i got it into my head that the ecology lab report was due...today, so when i got up this morning and realized this, i freaked out and used my morning breakfast-time-buffer to make the revisions needed. arrived 10 min late to lit for it and it's actually due next week. graah! this is the second time i've stressed out last-minute about this paper and not had to actually turn it in. also today, i got rained on and fed a squirrel (it ate directly out of my hand!). mum y mi tia arrive today at around midnight. i can't say i'm terribly eager for it. i mean, i'd adore to see my fluffy little mother again, but having them stay here is going to be a bit of a pain. i'll have to act normal. eat right, sleep early, take vitamins, study, no sweets before bed, work before play, horse before the cart, dress warmly, rise early, no drinking, no poping my zits, no rotting my brain in front of the tv, pick up after myself, and who is this jim your roommates keep taunting you about? *sigh* yen just told me, "your brain is so stressed out." really, it's not as bad in here as it seems. really. i'm going to nap and then go read utopia. i miss fun.

October 25, 2004

people i've missed

actually got to talk with so many people who i've been generally cut off from this weekend. greg was online after essentially 5 months of asbsence and we chatted a bit and then he called and we talked a while longer. nothing terribly exciting, i'm afraid. every time i talk to him, i feel terribly dull - slow, uninteresting, shallow. it seems he'll be visiting the bay this winter and we'll probably try aand meet up. i can picture it now: tall, pale russian in a homburg (which he insists is actually a type of top hat called a "wilson"), tobacco pipe clenched between slightly yellowed teeth. me sitting across the tiny starbucks table in silence, most likely wearing pink in some form and feeling horribly childish for it, thinking, "i ought to suggest we do something, go somewhere, but i don't do or go anything or anywhere when i'm home alone, what could i possibly suggest now that i have to entertain?"

on the other hand, i talked to chris, who has been too busy to talk to me for ages and ages. he, entirely unlike greggy (who i call that only because he is the exact opposite of a "greggy"), always makes me feel warm and fuzzy and a fabulous person when we talk. he is the only person who caught the obscure sci-fi reference (with letters missing) that is my screenname on his first try. he, too, is going to be visiting california this winter, but would be slightly more difficult to catch up with, as he will be in san diego the entire time i'm back home. (his visit: 20th till the 30th, i'll be out of la: 16th through the 6th.) *cries* i haven't seen him since the 6th grade. i can picture that meeting as well: slightly chunky guy with long, curly, dark hair, rather like mine, grinning idiotically as i crush him in a big hug. i'll be laughing mirthfully as he heaps neverending complements up on me. and at some point he'll probably demand that i marry him.

above you can see the inherent differences between a world-traveling astophysicist and a poor philosophy major.

but that is not the limit of old friends i talked to, oh no. i chatted with matt, who has been in his usual "fallen off the face of the earth" state, which just means he has been playing with his other group of friends or moping, about why he ought not to become an art major. (yes, i crush his dreams!) and suegol about a whole range of things, inculding how irritated she gets when matt drops off the face of the earth, how completely psycho sadaf gets when matt drops of the face of the earth (alright, the word "psycho" was never actually used), and how terribly much she wants her a man. i laughed. i'm trying to convince suegol to drive down and visit me next month for my birthday. i would suggest matt visit, as well, except i suspect sadaf will try and poison his root beer or something. ooh, by talking to suegol, i learned that over the summer matt thought that he and i might have a "thing." i knew it! i knew that that was why he hung out with me, while at the same time completely blowing off the rest of the group. pity he felt bad about getting himself a girlfriend at the end of the summer and throwing me over, as it were, when he never really had a chance. of course, i did get pissed off when he fell off the face of the earth, but that's just what matt does.

so i had a lovely time reconnecting with all these old people and having many lovely conversations ranging from greg's mysterious, anonymous, hollywood girlfriend to pain in art. i'm going to have a lovely december, when i get to visit these people again.

October 24, 2004

ocd, atp, g3p, omg

for some reason, i've been checking my e-mail obsessively all weekend. every time i have nothing worse to do, i find myself clacking my password into the little pop-up screen. i ought to be learning the steps of glycolysis or something, but i just can't help it, the first thing i wish to do when i have finished checking my e-mail is to log on again. this obsessive-compulsive behavior is really starting to get on my nerves, but really, i'll do anything to stop thinking about bio. it's my fucking major and i can't even get through the reading! and once i have finished memorizing a-a-a-a-all the steps of glycolysis, it's on to pyruvate oxidization, the krebs cycle, electron transport chain, fermentation, photosynthesis, macromolecule structure, and what the hell the difference between the "microfilaments," "intermediate filaments," and "microtubules" is. okay, i pretty much know the last one, but the rest on that list are kinda hard. i mean: 1,3-bisphosphate, phosphenolpyruvte, glyceraldehyde 3-phosphate...argh! so in light of this, it's not surprising i spent hours last night watching anime with kat or scanning through episode after episode of jem and the holograms trying to find a good outfit for her to wear as aja this haloween, or that i spent the night at jim's, or any of the rest of it! this is god telling me to go into journalism or something. seriously.

October 23, 2004

throbbing, pulsing golgi bodies

i feel like dancing. i think i might later, just shut myself in my room, turn on some funky disco beats and have at it, alone in front of my mirror. complete self-satisfaction. but i still have a lot of studying to do, and i won't permit myself overt fun until i at least finish reading another two chapters. i'm still feeling sick today. woke up at two and spat a lot of dark yellow phlegm into the sink before my throat felt normal. my nose has that overheated engine feeling and my head feels cold and damp, because my hair still has not fully dried. coupled with that, i'm distractingly horny; i can't keep biology in my head for any prolonged period of time. i ought to just deal with it, but being sick, i can't reconcile feelings of illness with the sensation of being touched. the only thing that really counters the compulsions is to be overwhelmingly productive. i cleaned my bethroom at 4am last night, and i fixed dinner, baked salmon and brown rice, tonight, for kat and myself. it was alright - i'm still learning. less butter on the fish, more in the rice. i feel i ought to be moving around more than i am, but instead, i'm going to go back to my cushy chair and learn more while my mind's eye produces all sorts of scenarios in my head. my legs need a good stretching and perhaps to be wrapped around someone. oh well.

October 21, 2004

exfoliating mantis

what started, as all colds do, in my thoat has progressed to my nose and i'm paying with sporadic sneezes and wadded up tissues. my fingers are still peeling. and the skin on my forehead has suddenly bubbled into an unfamiliar, lumpy mess. i feel as if i'm errupting, it looks as if someone has frozen the surface of a havily simmering pot of water on my brow. it feels greasy and foreign and slightly stiff when i scowl. all day i've been fantasizing that the skin will peel off in thick chunks like an orange and reveal klingon ridges. or that it will delicately flake and a layer of new skin will appear underneath, mottled, green, and moist like a frog. i fantasize that i am going through some sort of metamorphosis and all of these odd symptoms are merely evidence of the change. shortly, i will spin a sticky, ropey chrysalis in the corner above cynthia's unused bed and suspend myself until some future date when i have fully undergone my change and emerged as some giant exotic insect-woman. perhaps i should go eat a bit of fruit...and maybe watch a bit less sci-fi, while i'm at it.

need

i need platonic affection. a cuddle in which erections play no part. i would rather be alone right now than with anyone who doesn't just want to scoop me up in their arms and hug me forever. without sticking a hand down my shirt. i'm my best company right now, but damn i want my mommy.

i get this way whenever it rains.

October 20, 2004

silks and lace and gnarled claws

i have now gotten to that happy point where i need to be pried out of bed with a crowbar. joy. this bodes well. woke up feeling shitty still. ache in my throat and more phlegm than is strictly wise to discuss with you lest i be visited by the phelgm fairy. not a happy guy. my fingers seem to be peeling along the second joint in the inside of my hands. they snag onto fuzzy fabrics and scratch me when i touch myself. the rain, which has been very good of late in not actually inconveniencing me, may today impede my walk to class, or rather, it may dampen my walk to class. i love the rain as long as i do not have to go out into it. and it's times like this i wish i had been clever enough to bring down something with a hood. my plan is to wrap a scarf around my head and embrace my aqueous environment. which will probably boost phlem production to hitherto unachieved heights. i found my pair of little grey striped panties, the ones with the little bitty bow and lace, and was happy. hadn't been able to find them for ages and i thought perhaps they had run off with my change box to begin their new life as an investment banker. but no, there they were, inexplicably wadded up in another pair of knickers along with a much less ornamental grey pair. i can't really explain it, but it seems my panties have begun nesting themselves in one another like russian dolls. oh well, all the more power to them. but it's always nice to do something when you feel kinda crappy that makes you feel happy and pretty on the inside. and wearing dainty panties is one of them. now stop judging me!

equal and opposite

today:
my calc ta looks as if someone proped a load of flesh up on a frame of sticks and twigs, but for all his grotesque angularity, i still can't help but think he's a bit cute. it's just because i have unbounding admiration for people with skills i simply do not possess. how else can i explain the fact that i was impressed by simon-the-boy-who-memorized-pi in middle school. socially inept as he was.

in the same class was a blonde, white girl wearing pearls, a pink silk button-down sweater, with a burburry windbreaker hanging off the back of her chair. i didn't realize people even dressed like that. i can only conclude she was a reporter trying to infiltrate the young republicans and wish her luck. either that, or she was trying to break into the emibittered, alcoholic wives of millionaires club early on. in which case, i wish her luck.

i fell off the couch today, in a glorious arc, slid backwards off its back and landed supine on the ground, my legs splayed in the air like a dead beetle. kat was there to witness it all in its slapstick glory. this is only in cosmic symmetry to earlier today, when jim kept pulling me forward off the back of the couch onto him. i live an extraordinarily balanced life - every action...

October 19, 2004

fire in my belly and snot in my hankey

i woke up this morning half asleep and unhappy. by my third alarm, i managed to pry myself out of my warm, sunken bed, only to discover that i felt like shit warmed over. i showered, which consisted of me leaning heavily against the wall while scalding water pounded the half of my body turned towards the faucet. my other hand waved lazily in the stream and absentmindedly rubbed my belly. i finally roused enough energy to actually bathe, and by the time i got out, i was going to be 10 min late for class. so i simply decided to dry off and go back to bed. i lay on top of my covers, steam rising from me, i'm sure, feeling completely drained of all life. it was as much as i could manage to crawl back into my bed, like a caterpillar climbing into its cocoon. i'm sure that there was even some of the same undululating creepy motion involved. i set another alarm and passed out. i was woken up some time after my new alarm went off by cynthia, the absentee roommate, coming in to use the bathroom ("oof it's hot in here"). and it was time for me to get up. properly, this time. so i dressed and went out, unnerved cynthia when she learned i had been sleeping in the buff when she came in ("maybe i should knock next time, heh") but i didn't really care. i made myself a salad for breakfast and sat down to eat in front of law and order. i haven't had any veggies for the past two days, so i thought that would be the best way to go. my eating in general has been apalling, first i gorge myself on pasta, no veggies, then i break fast with a poptart, lunch on a sandwich (not bad), dine on tiny pita thingie and mound of cookies. no wonder my tummy burns as if i have drunk several shots of vodka on an empty stomach. my throat is also scratchy and my head is light. as far as symptoms go, they're pretty mild and uninspired, but i still feel as if my time would be better served if i were to pass out on the floor. whoo. pity i have a lab report to write for tomorrow. i need some cocoa.

don't adjust your dial, we control the vertical and the horizontal...

i was accosted and forced into picnic online roleplaying. i don't really know, either. but this is what arose from that odd, odd occurance. enjoy.

DisposablePlates: Free Potato Salad, BYOB, the sack race is at noon, followed by punch and pie.
me: right.
freenapkinz: hello
me: who are you?
freenapkinz: welcome to the picnic table
freenapkinz: I'm a table setting
DisposablePlates: Would you like some fried chicken?
me: good or evil table setting?
freenapkinz: i claim no allegiance
plasticnighf: evil
DisposablePlates: good
DisposablePlates: but i can be evil if you want....
plasticnighf: doug.....pass the mustard
freenapkinz: *passes the mustard to frank*
freenapkinz: (if you hadn't noticed, we're role playing table settings)
freenapkinz: (want to join?)
me: ooh, no i got that
freenapkinz: great
plasticnighf: good
me: hmm, can i be a salt shaker?
freenapkinz: yes, but you will need to change your call sign
DisposablePlates: actually, doug
DisposablePlates: Earl is already SaltShaker
plasticnighf: fuck earl
freenapkinz: oh I see
plasticnighf: he never comes to meetings
freenapkinz: frank, be courteous
DisposablePlates: yeah.
DisposablePlates: okay
freenapkinz: we have a guest here at the picnic table
DisposablePlates: salt shaker is open
plasticnighf: my eggs have gone saltless for days
me: ooh, but if earl has dibs on salt shaker, i can't very well intrude, can i?
me: i mean, it would be rude
me: and sodium is not really all that good for you in such high ammounts
plasticnighf: so....."saltshaker"...are you a male shaker or a feamle shaker?
me (hitherto known as "ms. salt"): oh, female
plasticnighf: excellent
freenapkinz: good good
freenapkinz: we need more female table settings
plasticnighf: we havent had a female at our table for quite some time
DisposablePlates: indeed
DisposablePlates: especially since Frank's eggs need salting
plasticnighf: ever since "Napkin Wholder" left Doug
plasticnighf: we have been rather male oriented
"ms. salt": oh, poor doug
plasticnighf: yes
freenapkinz: <--- doug
freenapkinz: yes i know
"ms. salt": no one to hold you, that's sad
"ms. salt": you might very well blow away
plasticnighf: he's cloth
freenapkinz: yes
DisposablePlates: that's why we need a salt shaker
"ms. salt": to double as a tableweight?
DisposablePlates: indeed.
freenapkinz: i'm famous
DisposablePlates: something needs to hold doug down
"ms. salt": and not just his heavy heart, eh?
DisposablePlates: he can get wild if he gets near some creamy potato salad
plasticnighf: where is "chickenofthesea" this evening
plasticnighf: ?
freenapkinz: i am not certain
freenapkinz: im a diverse napkin. all races, colors, and ethnicities have wiped their face and foreheads on me
plasticnighf: damn
plasticnighf: he owes me a buck fidy
"ms. salt": quite the claim to fame
freenapkinz: oh yes, such famous people such as pat benitar and the lead singer of Earth, Wind, and Fire have used me
plasticnighf: dont forge the lead singer of...CREED
freenapkinz: i feel loved, yet loneley
freenapkinz: oh yes
"ms. salt": i'm impressed, but you must go through the spin cycle quite a bit, to be put to such frequent use
freenapkinz: after all, I am a christian napkin
plasticnighf: he puts himself on auto dry most of the time
"ms. salt": fabric softener?
plasticnighf: nah...starch
plasticnighf: ive seen him
DisposablePlates: Jesus smiles upon picnics
freenapkinz: yes he does
"ms. salt": ouch, rough
plasticnighf: only if they are blessed...we are far from blessed
freenapkinz: true
freenapkinz: i've been used inappropriately
plasticnighf: *hit self in head with board
DisposablePlates: lol
freenapkinz: please nighf, behave yourself in front of our guest
plasticnighf: sorry
plasticnighf: im a bit on edge
freenapkinz: why?
plasticnighf: if you catch my drift
freenapkinz: ah
freenapkinz: you card
plasticnighf: IM A NIGHF
freenapkinz: you need to be dealt with
freenapkinz: a-ha
"ms. salt": ouch, a punny knife. the worst kind.
freenapkinz: he's the little nighf that could
plasticnighf: hey...dont annoy me
DisposablePlates: but if he doesn't behave himself, we might have to put him back in the drawer
DisposablePlates: he'll cutcha
plasticnighf: remember what i did to "SPOORK"
freenapkinz: *GASP*
freenapkinz: not the drawer!
freenapkinz: thats so mean
plasticnighf: HMMMMMM....i wonder if we will ever se "Mr. E Meats" again?
freenapkinz: perhaps
plasticnighf: it sure is hot here
freenapkinz: so, Ms. Salty, what have you to say?
"ms. salt": hmm, i don't know, this drawer you speak of sure does sound foreboding, though
plasticnighf: it is a dark and unforbiding place
plasticnighf: but usually only my kind are placed there
plasticnighf: your kind are left on the table
freenapkinz: yes
plasticnighf: to bask in the glory of all that is "TABLEHOOD"
freenapkinz: 'tis a horrible place
"ms. salt": which is why we are not very familiar with its secrets
DisposablePlates: i usually just get tossed aside
freenapkinz: oh, don't be so hard on yourself
"ms. salt": inglorious end.
DisposablePlates: in the trash, or used as make shift toilet paper
freenapkinz: (keep it in roleplay please)
plasticnighf: or as a hat
freenapkinz: toilet paper is used for another game ...
plasticnighf: ...pooping?
DisposablePlates: right sorry...got my days mixed up
DisposablePlates: Toilet Talk is on Wednesdays
DisposablePlates: sorry doug
"ms. salt": i see
freenapkinz: its cool
freenapkinz: see, I don't moderate wednesdays
plasticnighf: from where to you hail of salty one?
plasticnighf: or do rather
"ms. salt": oh, i'm coarse-ground sea salt from the pacific
DisposablePlates: WHOO...I like the rough salt
plasticnighf: arg..i was hoping for some rare dead sea salt
"ms. salt": the dead sea is so saturated, it can hardly be called "rare"
plasticnighf: yar..but it is far away
"ms. salt": well, in this part of the world, perhaps, but i'd say that it's terribly common if it weren't for its distant origins
freenapkinz: oh, you mean napkinland?
freenapkinz: such a distant land indeed
plasticnighf: so are diamonds lass...so are diamonds
plasticnighf: but they to fetch a pretty penny
plasticnighf: the kind where lincoln is wearing a monocle
plasticnighf: and a dunce cap
freenapkinz: oh yes, we also roleplay currancy
freenapkinz: I love to play at the Deustchmark
"ms. salt": but what need does a simple salt shaker have for diamonds?
plasticnighf: im a nighf
plasticnighf: i know not the desires of salt shakers
freenapkinz: nor do i
freenapkinz: perhaps she could tell us
DisposablePlates: me thrice
DisposablePlates: yes
"ms. salt": oh, mostly a clear table on which to sit and plenty of victuals to salt
"ms. salt": we're a simple folk
"ms. salt": not nearly as uppity as those pepper grinders
DisposablePlates: would you ever salt foodstuff that has been place upon me?
plasticnighf: My folk are a mighty folk, we forced genocide among the lesser "knive" races
"ms. salt": why, i've barely met you, plate
plasticnighf: only the NIGHF reign supreme
DisposablePlates: but would you though?
freenapkinz: yes, would you rub your salt on me too?
freenapkinz: i would love that
"ms. salt": maybe at some later date, when we've become a little better acquainted...
DisposablePlates: we're all friends at the picnic table
DisposablePlates: remember:
DisposablePlates: jesus smiles on picnics
freenapkinz: yes
plasticnighf: not this picnic boys.......only Ba'al comes these days
freenapkinz: jesus is the custodian
freenapkinz: Hey-sus
freenapkinz: he cleans up after our mess and smiles
plasticnighf: interesting analogy
"ms. salt": very kind of him, i must say
freenapkinz: yes
freenapkinz: he looked upon me one saturday even while I was covered in BBQ sauce
freenapkinz: and said ..
freenapkinz: and said ...
freenapkinz: "Me gusta"
freenapkinz: Such loving words
"ms. salt": such unflinching acceptance
freenapkinz: if only my napkin holder were around to see it
plasticnighf: he is the savior, is he not?
plasticnighf: i look forward to the rapture
freenapkinz: she split and ran off with that bastard paper towel
freenapkinz: she said "bounty is tougher"
plasticnighf: well Brauny has my back
"ms. salt": ah, but you are reusable, i'm sure you'll get over it with time
freenapkinz: yes, but the stains remain
freenapkinz: those painful stains ...
"ms. salt": while he will be discarded almost immediately after use, despite his ability to withstand hard wear
freenapkinz: woe is me
freenapkinz: oh he has a mighty roll
freenapkinz: im just a small napkin
plasticnighf: i hate virginia
"ms. salt": but he has, what? 100 sheets of use and then he's nothing but a brown paper tube
"ms. salt": virginia?
plasticnighf: eye..but an impressive tube at that
freenapkinz: yes, a long, thick, brown, tube
plasticnighf: you know what they say about the brown ones
freenapkinz: mm hmmm
plasticnighf: yes
plasticnighf: virginina
DisposablePlates: Napkinz is threatened by long, thick, brown tubes
plasticnighf: the great southern state of virginia
plasticnighf: my homeland
freenapkinz: AH MOTHERLAND
freenapkinz: yes
"ms. salt": from whence all nighfs yeild?
plasticnighf: where Robert E. Lee used the Nighf squad to fight the union forces
plasticnighf: and yes
plasticnighf: where i
plasticnighf: Plasticus Nighficus hail from
freenapkinz: Ms. Salty, do you find napkins ... attractive?
plasticnighf: you know wha
plasticnighf: ?
DisposablePlates: hmm?
plasticnighf: things have been mighty tame since "Red Party Cup" left
plasticnighf: even though he was a commie bastard
freenapkinz: true
DisposablePlates: he always wanted to share the biscuits
"ms. salt": well, sr. napkin, i admit myself more partial to tupperware
"ms. salt": something about the pop and seal lids...
freenapkinz: TUPPERWARE?
DisposablePlates: TUPPERWARE IS A CHEATING BITCH!
freenapkinz: Get the fuck out
freenapkinz: Tupperware is forbidden
plasticnighf: we do not mention his name
DisposablePlates: we don't speak of tupperware
plasticnighf: they are the ones we do not speak of
"ms. salt": but the mystique...the dark mystery...
freenapkinz: No
DisposablePlates: well gentleman, i certainly can't enjoy this bountiful feast anymore
freenapkinz: Nor I
DisposablePlates: i'm too upset
freenapkinz: Ms. Salty has become bitter
freenapkinz: we will continue this discussion later
"ms. salt": sorry, plates, to disappoint
freenapkinz: i'm off to be folded and washed
DisposablePlates: sorry cannot close old wounds.
plasticnighf: im gunna go be used in a prison riot
"ms. salt": you shiv 'em good, nighf
DisposablePlates: i'm going to be cut up into a small child's mask, and perhaps have macarroni glued on my face
plasticnighf: right in the kidney
"ms. salt": ouch
DisposablePlates: good day to you sirs.
plasticnighf: take that you nefrons
freenapkinz: good day
"ms. salt": and i'll sit on the table, until someone accidentally spills me and summons the devil...
"ms. salt": night

October 18, 2004

hookey and american icons

was walking up the hill at the dorm end of bruin walk when "bad to the bone" came over my headphones. i love george thurgood. to me, he simply embodies americana badass cool, like james dean riding flag motorcycle sans helmet, he's just that bitchin'. "one burbon, one scotch, and one beer" has to be one of my all-time favorite songs and that part when he just goes on for ages about his trials with his landlady - classic and just completely nuts.

"i said to the bartender, 'come down her.' he got down thar and said 'what you want?' 'i wan burbon, ah-one scotch, an' one beer...'" deow deow deow ba-dadada

i've been sliding down the slippery slope of truancy faster and faster. today i missed two classes, though not entirely of my own volition. i woke up late, when kat insinuated herself into my room at 9:30 this morning to mention that i should have left well before then. thanks, kat. i power-showered because i really can't leave the apartment without first scalding myself, grabbed the pop tart kat had left me, and ran out the door. found the prof talking to another young, hip PhD just outside his offices. i acted good-natured and nonthreatening and no one seemed too upset i was late. we went up to the growth chamber, or whatever they call it, where i was introduced to a couple dozen anole-filled terrariums. and one tub of crickets. i'm not terribly intimidated by creepy-crawlies, but i can't say they please me, either. hoppy buggers. (nyaaaugh!) so i was filled in on procedure and left to my own to feed and water all the helpless little lizards. and this took me well into lit class, which i had really not meant to miss. i managed to smear lizard nutrient powder all over my face and the entire room smelt of what i had to assume was powdered cricket dung. it was also swelteringly warm in there, with a heat lamp for every terrarium. but it was rather peaceful and i busteled about listening to music and humming.

afterwards, i met up with yen for her to fill me in on what i missed, and we grabbed lunch between classes. ls is so information-packed and the midterm coming up is going to be hellish, for sure. ditched calc to come back here and nap. but not before 'lissa came by and paid me a complement - evidently i'm thinner, but my boobs are bigger this year. joy. now me and my titties are goin' to bed. peace y'all! out.

talking in circles

ugh. so i got a lot less done this weekend than i really would have liked. on the other hand, apart from the drastic demands of bio, it seems that my workload is not too terribly intense. at least, the vast ammounts of assignments i must finish have due dates that range throughout the week, so it wasn't imperative that i finish it all this weekend. because i didn't. hah. i caught up with calc problems, and read the miller's wife...and that's all. pathetic, really. i did make dinner all by myself, though, and baked cookies with kat. which is the long way to say i positively gorged myself tonight, bleh.

kat sent me the link to the livejournal belonging to some girl in one of her classes. evidently she's an unassuming little asian girl who you wouldn't expect to be brilliant literati, but reading her blog, i was blown away. she writes beautifully and cleverly and from the couple of posts i had the attention span to read through, seems like a terribly awesome person. i want to track her down and forcibly befirend her. makes my blog feel horribly shallow, to be honest, but hey, you are what you write. but for your collective enjoyment, the link. now, go blog-stalk her, too.

in light of that lovely link and its praise, i am forced to admit i don't really have anything useful or edifying to share with you all tonight. i'm just a bit bored. i have to wake up extra early tomorrow to go start my work in the lab and i've trained myself to be awake at this hour. i should at least be trying to wade through the absurd alliteration of sir gawain and the green knight, but i can't even bring myself to do that. it's so silly. so far, the entire story seems like an amalgamation of semi-random words thrown together for the sole virtue that they begin with the same letter. i mean, come on, "...from broad neck to buttocks so bulky and thick,/ and his loins and legs so long and so great,/ ...for in back and breast though his body was grim,/ his waist in its width was worthily small,/ and formed with every feature in fair accord/ was he." not only is that a shitty description of male beauty, about 80% of those words were completely superfluous. and when were bulky buttocks good things? i guess when you ride a horse all day...

but who am i to criticize great literature, eh? when this is what i write.

October 17, 2004

when it rains, it pours

and it's raining outside right now, in a moment of intense universal irony, for the first time this season. i want to go outside and frolic in the cold downpour, but i have too much work yet to do.

my social and academic lives have both gotten a bit heavy. i'm a bit overwhelmed. i can't believe i've only been here three weeks. this is just venting. i've avoided writing in my blog for the past couple of days due to work, exhaustion, activity, and the complete unsurety as of what to say. but there has been plenty on my mind...

tuesday i had the big awkward moment where i sent jim the link to my blog and then spiritually ate a crow. wednesday, i had a rather strained lunch with him, during which i dreaded horribly conversation turning towards "the talk." that was neatly avoided when we ran into a harem girl (one of jim's female clan) and were contractually obliged to join her for lunch. any serious conversation was put on hold, for which i was immensely grateful, as i not only was dreading such a thing, i had no idea what to say in such a case. without discussion, however, nothing was resolved, and situation with jim was not really soothed any. (odd note - that morning i had the feeling i'd run into jeff, and lo! randomly saw him in ackerman. i think i may have acted slightly more eager than was absolutely necessary, but it provided relief from forced conversation with jim while we were getting food.)

thursday, i had a full day of class (till 5) and queasiness (bad tummy). that evening kat and i caught othello, and while i had intended to read my much overdue chaucer assignment, i instead went to meet sadaf at a frat party, half the appeal of which was that jim was there and i could perhaps restore normalcy. ended up back at his frat, topless and on his bed while the menu music of adaptation looped eternally, providing rather grim soundtrack to our distractions. i eventually pulled myself away and returned to the apartment, where i was forced to finish my reading for class the next morning, staying awake until 4 in order to do so. i guess jim situation was restored, though.

friday, i woke up early, cranky and exhausted. went to class, returned home. napped. that night, i was supposed to go to elissa's for party and fun. jim wanted me to go see team america: world police with him and his frat. (this might be slightly uncheritable, but i assume that in rather large part, his desire to show me that he was not just after ass might have helped to motivate this.) i instead suggested he just join me at lissa's afterwards. he was supposed to call after the movie. brought yen along to the party, which ended up as a few of us sitting around, watching family guy, eating garlic bread, talking. drinking. it was v. chill and all-in-all enjoyable. walked yen out and we were nearly accosted by some drunken boys, but for the grace of glass doors separating apartment lobby from the outside rabble. kat and i left not soon after that. didn't get any calls that night. called jim a prat behind his back. talked to him for a short bit before going to bed, and while trying to push through more chaucer. wished him a good trip, as he was driving up to berkeley for the game. called him a prat again, though only in my head. tried very hard not to pout.

this morning, i made a list of all the schoolwork i had to do. lots. and by morning i mean 3pm. but instead, after i got up, i showered, ate breakfast, watched a bit of the ucla/cal game (the 5 minutes in which ucla played the best of the entire game, it seems), went with kat, yen, and amy to trader joe's and ralph's, returned home, ate, and finally started making a dent in the list around 10. i've done much of my calc homework, but that's only scratching the pot. (totally not sure if that's actually a saying.) kat got hit on at the supermarket by a large black man who called her "baby girl" and yen struck up a conversation with an elder gent about granola. they get to have all the fun *pouts.* so, i've been sitting here for ages, mathing, and quietly feeling oppressed by the amount of schoolwork i suddenly have (after only 2 weeks of classes!!). kat brought me hot cocoa while i was cloistered in my room, working, and i love her for it. and i took a short break to watch venture brothers with her on the couch. truly, we sort of rock.

i'm feeling a bit confused about the whole jim "thing" - i don't really know what to call it - which poses a bit more of a problem for me than one might expect, as i am the one who refuses to have "the talk," in the first place. i put a lot of stock in words, as you might have noticed (conversation junkie, lit minor, bibliophile). but i do have a definite reason as to why i don't want to talk. or rather, i have one now, only after having gotten over the whole initial shock and panic of wednesday. and it's all semantics.

"virgin" means i'm not about to take fucking around lightly. "relationship" implies i have some sort of endgame in mind. "boyfriend" means i ask to be loved best of all. "friends" means i'm can't in good conscience ask for that. "uptight" means i'm not "enlightened" enough to be "polyamorous." or in other words, i'm just too "conceited." "on a break" means he's not over the girl. and in light of all of that, "broken up" means nothing at all. (yeah, that was convoluted.)

and with all those words in my head, i can't very well have a "talk." i am a firm believer than, in matters of this nature, nothing can be demanded, but must instead be freely given. and i don't see how a talk would lead anywhere but to demands. i don't feel as if i'm compromising myself the way things are right now. if i were to demand anything, i would be. but so would i be if i went much further along with any of this. ooh, complicated.

which makes it quite the pisser that i actually sort of miss the bastard. damnit!



and stop "aaaaaw"-ing!

October 12, 2004

welcome to the dollhouse

ever feel like a cat toy being dangled on a string, bounced up and down, swatted at, pounced on and held in the jaws of some giant feline like some dead thing? every so often, something so fortuitous, so lucky, so brilliant, happens to me that i can just feel the universe smiling at me. the rest of the time, it exacts it revenge by batting me about like some toy, i believe. i have notoriusly wonky luck. case in point, i just accidently sent jim the link to my blog. *weeps into keyboard* and it had been such a fortuitous day, i was beginning to think that fate really did love me.

included for your reading pleasure, the conversation.
(italics are everything i said, parenthesis are comments i've added later.)

so without further ado, my fuckup and the aftermath:
me: http://trippingtoenlightenment.blogspot.com/
me: aaah!
me: oh fuck, that was a mistake.
me: meant to send that to another window.
me: and now i have panicked.
me: and you're gonna read all about yourself in my blog and i'm completely panicking.
me: *bangs head against wall repeatedly*
me: this has to be the universe's fee for making you drive to to campus and for getting guy in lab group to turn in my essay.
jim: its ok.
me: every time life turns convenient, i am forced to pay with humiliation of some sort...
jim: i won't read it if you don't want me to.
me: actually, you can if you want to. have i mentioned that i believe everything happens for a reason? you deserve to find out that i'm completely out of my fucking head, right?
me: oh, god...
jim: its ok, i know that you're crazy. jeese, don't worry, i'm not gonna judge you.
me: no, it's just i feel a royal idiot.
me: i stopped really worrying about people's judgement when i played "lonica mewinskey" in my eighth grade school play. (distraction! distraction!)
jim: odd character to play.
me: we did a pollitical satire.
me: this was during the clinton scandal? i think it was all terribly brilliant and daring, considering it was a little private school and we were 12.
jim: yeah i got that, with the close resemblance to monica lewinsky.
me: but, yeah, i got the coveted role of the president's mistress. well, "hairdresser" in our version. (good he's falling for it, now forget about the blog. i command you, forgeeet...)
jim: ow ow!
jim: wow that doesn't work as well when typed. i'm an idiot. (aw, cute. he's awkward)
me: the first scene of the play was me on my knees in front of the kid playing the president hemming his "kilt," which was actually one of our uniform skirts and therefore very self-referrential. (sexy distract!)
jim: oh wow....that's a big racey.
me: actually, during middle school, i believe that i saw every single one of my male friends cross-dress as the result of some school-sanctioned act.
(true. i think sadaf has photos.)
jim: which was what?
me: oh, no each was different.
jim: by the way, you're actually wrong about the phone conversation i had while i was helping you with calc. (distraction failed! abort!! abort!! fuck!)
jim: it wasn't masha. (whimper)
me: mm-hmm
jim: ok, you don't have to believe me.
jim: but its true.
me: *dissolves into horribly self-effacing laughter*
jim: anyways...
me: hey, at least i'm entertaining you.
jim: true.
jim: even if i end up sounding more singly-minded than i am.
jim: and my car is kinda hot, i know.
jim: hahaha
me: haha
jim: and i'm not going to europe with masha, i don't know where that came from. i'm going to spain with my family. i went to russia with masha.
jim: but that was over august. (stop talking stop talking)
me: um, yes. 'k.
jim: just editing, to use the word in a new context.
jim: haha, sorry.
jim: using me for my tv, huh? that's just funny.
jim: i'm sorry.
jim: i'm being an ass.
jim: but you have nothing to be embarassed about.
jim: its nice to know what a girl is thinking for a change.
me: ...alright. the explanation i was hoping to never have to give.
me: if i were asked about any of this information, i would have delved it up readily. i'm not terribly secretive by nature. hense the blog, hehe.
jim: i understand that.
jim: but as you put it:
me: some of the shit in there is written for the way it sounds, not its veracity
jim: 'which i kinda understand, as i don't think he can tell if i'm interested in him or merely tolerating his attentions.' (don't quote that, it's not fair, you can't use my words as a weapon against me! ow! ow! it hurts, mommy.)
me: but there's no way i'm telling which parts are what.
jim: haha, fair enough.
me: and i don't put everything i think in there, either.
jim: i'm sure you don't.
jim: i'm not accusing you of doing that.
me: so, uh, there's really no reason to take any of it badly, ever. (please?)
jim: exactly.
me: because if i take issue with something, i'll mention it. (or not, he'll find, when he works his way to last year's blogs...) ((oh fuck, he's gonna read that and then...*downward spiral of fear and paranoia*))
jim: that's why i was wondering why you were rather distraught over sending it to me.
jim: unless you were just acting again, which is possible.
me: no, that was pretty much a gut reaction.
me: because i am more forthcoming in that than i would be if left to my own devices. i would say anything in there truthfully if i were asked. doesn't mean i'd volunteer it. 0:)
jim: i understand.
jim: and i understand what you are trying to call my attention to.
jim: don't worry.
jim: i'm not so dense.
jim: i'm just a guy. (kat calls me "such a guy." ...i'm that dense.)
me: i've been told there there's little difference between the two...but who am i to judge.
me: and i said you could read it because i'd rather know you were than wondering when the strain of curiousity would break you, as it would me, in say, a week, and be all paranoid.
jim: we can talk tonight if you want. (i swear i could feel all parastalsis halt as my stomach literally spun itself into a knot.)
me: talk? okay some part of me just screamed.
jim: why?
jim: don't be so tense, no reason to scream.
me: sorry, while some people might have used this sort of "mistake" to say, force your hand, i am genuinely just a bit of an idiot. (big ol' idiot. *bangs head on wall*) that being said, i am so not mentally prepared to deal with anything right now, as i think i might have metaphorically "slipped a disk" just now.
jim: haha
jim: ok, whatever.
jim: if you don't want to define anything, that's cool.
jim: whenever you are ready to talk, we'll talk. if you're not, that's fine too.
jim: i think if i took myself as seriously as you do, i'd die of stress. :)
me: um, i don't take myself all that seriously. but i don't think i handle change very well. (at all.)
jim: ah. maybe that's it then.
jim: i hate it when people type the word 'um', it means that they're upset with whatever has just transpired.
me: um, no, like, that's not it at all.
jim: ;) jerk
jim: so what's up? do you want to talk about it or not?
me: not right now...i'm going to akwardly change the subject, instead.
me: sooo....how was your day?
jim: wow.
jim: smooth.
jim: my day was pretty good. i got a lot done.
jim: yours? (that's not changing the subject, that's throwing it right back at me! no, why? gaah!)
me: well, woke up reluctantly, ran around like a chicken without a head for a bit, saw michael moore speak - that was pretty cool, took a calc quiz - did pretty well i think, napped, ate a sandwich, accidently sent a link to my blog to the wrong person, panicked, blogged about it. (take that, bitch. oh wait, he's gonna read it anyways...shit.)
(it continues for a while longer, but ceases to be terribly interesting. i'm having lunch with him tomorrow, and i'm probably going to resolutely avoid having a serious conversation. this means i'll beak out the "techno eros" story, if i must. the big guns. i'm that big a chicken-shit.)

my friends' reactions to all this? sadaf: such a carla blooper. katherine: haha, that's so you.

(the title of this post is because i watched that movie last night with...guess who? jim, kat, and roosh. i think it's a suitable analogy for this.)

October 10, 2004

i don't even understand myself, anymore

went to triangle last night because jim demanded that i play diplomacy with them. evidently hadn't realized that i hold no truck with "strategy" games or "war." i brought yen along and we made witty little jokes about european politics around 1901. i felt my grasp of history was something less than most others' in the room, however i still managed to come out with a completely brilliant little joke that i promptly forgot. it shall be lost to the annals of time. so, i played apathetically for about 3 rounds and then opted to run outside to listen to the fight a couple was having across the street. i wasn't the only one. yen, in the meantime busted out with her militant feminism, to my delight, and antagonized the frat boys on several topics, including double standard in the use of the word "slut," and the predominantly masculine reading list standard to most high schools. we left after not too long.

when i got back, however, i was struck with the urge to draw (which left again me halfway through the process) and stayed up talking to jim online. it ended up being a 4-hour conversation. i didn't get to bed until around 6. it was a good conversation, i can't complain about that in the least, but i also can't say i'm pleased that it happened. forgive me for sounding insane, but all this means is that i'm open for another level of attachment. have i ever mentioned that i'm horribly commitment-phobic? and discovering new facets to an interest's personality somehow does not make me sleep better at night? i think i might, in fact, be pretty fucked-up.

i'm starting to liken whatever it is that i have with jim cold war; i'm really dreading "escalation" of this "cold" war into a "hot" one. essentially, i'm russia. i just don't have the resources to engage the u.s. in successful battle. though i am a pretty big bombshell. (uung. no, shut up.)

October 09, 2004

the reasons i nap...

had a bit of a sleepover last night. moral of the story: i TOTALLY cannot sleep with other people in my bed. i ended up crunched into the foot of space closest to my wall, no pillow, where i huddled for cold, because evidently, the combination of alcohol metabolism, night furnaceyness, wearing pants to bed, and extra person make too much heat for even me to stand. for the record, jim had the pillow and the rest of my narrow, narrow bed. he's much bigger than i am, snores faintly, and evidently, gets very, very warm at night, as well. i was clinging to the cool, cool surface of that wall last night.

how did this all come about? i got drunk with sadaf and her crew at yen's las tonight, and not relishing the 3am walk back alone, called the only unfamiliar number in my phone's log. it was the phone of one of jim's fratmates', i forget his name. surprisingly, i took this pretty well in stride, considering my state. but i got jim to walk me back home, because i'd prefer the drunken walk alone to sadaf insisting on walking me back, and then having to walk to the dorms on her own, and not having someone small and female walking alone anywhere was the post preferable option of all. and he just didn't end up leaving. until now. i finally get my bed all to myself. ha!

October 07, 2004

in lieu of conversation

oh my god, what to say. *lowers head to collect thoughts* so, i'd much rather have people read this here than ask me about it in person, though i can see how the subject would be irresistible to some. *sigh* jim and i made out tonight. yeah, i know. and half of you out there are yelling "well, it's about fucking time!" but i have to be allowed to move at my own pace about these things.

so i went over tonight for calc help, and sorry to say it, but he was a lot less helpful than i had hoped, though most of my questions were eventually answered. most, not all. first thing i noticed entering his room, was silver frame with the words "love" and "relationship" or something like that on, with a picture of...who else jim and the break-girl. so, math was in the doing, and midway through he gets a call from an undeniably feminine voice - 3 guesses who, and the first two don't count. what had been a perfectly cozy little study, had a cold bucket of ice water thrown on it at that moment. jim got off the phone, and was probably too dense to notice any change in my demeanor, though i could just be an excellent actor, who knows! (shakes head.) so back to studying, distracted by the last half of american beauty, which, surprisingly, i haven't actually watched all the way through. he got a second call from the same person a short while later and when he hung up, muttered something about his "mother" calling so often. seeing no point in pretending that i hadn't heard the conversation, i asked slyly, "at sproul turnaround?" which is where the person who called mentioned she was. to which he brilliantly lied again, saying that it was a pledge calling (as in for his frat, as in a guy). i decided to be noble, rather than paranoid, and not be all psycho accusational. though there is no doubt in my mind who it was.

so, there was more television watching, as math was finished, and when the hand snaked its way into my shirt, as it inevitably was wont to do, i bit jim on the wrist. *snigger*

which, brilliantly enough, led into the whole "where is this going" conversation. though that turned out to be less in depth than one might have hoped. in essence, i told him i had reservations about pursuing anything with him because of...points at picture on dresser. to which he had a "nothing ventured, nothing gained" sort of response, that i had anticipated, myself. it was actually all a lot less uncomfortable that i would have ever expected, possibly because it wasn't a very intense conversation to begin with, but i did admit to liking him. which is, if you know me, a major feat, as i have been unable to admit i liked anyone under any circumstances even to entirely unrelated parties till, oh, say, a year ago. at that point, the future was left entirely up to me.

and there was more cuddling and, i have to admit, it was good. his hands were still running all over me, and he mutters into my head "god, you're hard to resist." ouch. and all this time, i'm thinking i always put myself into the position where i can either risk a bit of myself and get something i want, or "trust to fate" and pine away, alone. so i'm there slowly building up the balls to do what i've always known i'd do anyway, and he gives me a peck on the mouth. which just tore it right there. needless to say, we kissed more, as one peck does not constitute "making out." but it was all very sweet and quiet, not what i'd call a hard-core snog at all, for all the voyeurs reading this. not too long after, i left for the apartment, hey, it was 2 am. for parting words, i essentially left him with "don't fuck with me," the subtext of which was "next time masha calls just tell me; i won't trust you if you lie." i don't think he caught it, though. kissed him goodbye, dreading having to face kat's teasing when i got back. walked home in the dark. opened the door, trying to wipe the guilty look off my face, but it was unnecessary, as all had gone to bed.

so now, here i am, convinced it wasn't an unwise decision, but, shit, if i get hurt, i'm gonna sic' elissa on him.

(ironic side note: i was wearing my brand new voodoo girl tank top. oh, god, how apropos.)

October 05, 2004

no more garlic bread before bed

v. odd dream last night. i was escorting rich, young mary-kate and ashley olsen twin look-alikes around the country with no money, a la the simple life. we had somehow procured skateboards (theirs unadorned wood, mine - misshapen longboard, clear plastic and metal) and were just leaving somewhere where a rather creepy man had developed a bit of an attachment for me. we crossed streets to a narrow, empty highway, bordered with steel railings and bright green grass, and for some, a zoo. a short ways along the road, we reached our destination and the girls were about the throw away their skateboards, but i told them that they were worth money and to keep them. rather suddenly we were in their chauffeured car and were speeding along a wide road surrounded by hazy green-blue forest. then we were in a large white-furnished room with their mother. And now...switch plots entirely.

the creepy man from before surprises me with an engagement party on a desolate gray alternate plane of existence with purple sky, and i think it is terribly sweet. but i, of course, won't be able to marry him, as i've only just met him and he's mentally subnormal. just not appealing at all. a second group of male admirers are there as well, and they're a tall, menacing group, moving together in a mass of cruel black suits with cold faces and looks of disdain. in fact, all the guests are male. (this was all much more threatening in the dream than ego-gratifying, trust me.)

my creepy fiancee presents me with a book of drawing he did, himself of cute, smiling seahorses that we had seen...at some earlier time in the dream...and they are crudely drawn, but i pretend to appreciate it. and the gift is for some reason painted on the back of a makeup catalogue that my friends did the modeling for, all girls from america's next top model. i'm distracted as satan and death arrive at my little party, along with other random menacing spectres, their consorts. and death begins playing a song on his invisible trombone made of flame as his eyes and cowl glow red disco laser light style, and satan dances around with lithe movements and great glee. where i was touched and amused at first, and growingly wary, then confused, understandably, i am now pretty worried and a feeling of being horribly trapped overwhelms me. it is then that i get a phone call from my friends in the catalogue...through the catalogue, which has somehow doubled as a speakerphone. they call, upset that they were not invited to my engagement, and it is then that i realize that i am going to be forced to marry that horrible man and beg with my friends to come and help defend me. I know that satan and death and the man wearing the noose sash and my cruel exes will not let me leave if i try and they are around enjoying my agony. and as i am asking my friends to come save me...

i wake up. totally weirded out.

October 04, 2004

oh god, i'm so passive agressive, just in case

so eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is playing on campus this week and i really want to see it. i mean, loads. it is just such a sweet movie and, i don't know, what i would call a "very adult romance," if i were pushed into explaining my impressions of it. i mean, it takes a lot of maturity, i think, to accept someone else's neurosis that completely and with so much compassion. at least when you're not both fighting. it's just the sort of loving, understanding relationship...that i wish my parents had. haha, no, that i would want to have, were i able to respond normally to any human situation. but i want to go, and i want to make jim go with me because it makes me all happy and sad and crazy softhearted. and then i need a cuddle. so i'm either gonna have to do the "date" thing and ask him, or the "friend" thing and suggest it, or the "passive aggressive" thing and hope he reads it here. but to be frank, i don't know whether or not he knows this exists. i put it in my away messages sometimes, so he might, but he doesn't always act like he knows what's going on, so he might not, but he does sometimes do something i mention reaally wanting here, so he might, but then again, i always reaally want a massage... ah well, i'll most like mention it. but the mystery is...how?

October 03, 2004

for your edification

by popular demand: "the bases"

October 02, 2004

gas, ass, or grass, no one rides for free

you know, this is a pretty common complaint for me, but i wish i were more competent at the whole "relationship" thing. seriously, it's getting really pathetic.

so, i was supposed to go to the football game with sadaf and jim. i walked to de neve to pick up sadaf, getting stopped by a bike cop on the way for j-walking (shakes head sadly), and we went to triangle to get our rides. sadaf knew one of the frat boys from class, it is an engineering frat after all, and it seems he digs her a little, what with the cleverness and the hotness and the iranianty. after much milling around, we all finally left for the game. as a side note, jim's car is a dark blue mustang convertible. that's kinda hot.

we arrived and "tailgated" through the first half of the game, absurdly. but i was fed and beered. i was actually rather afraid to drink, because, well, the j-walking thing was my second run-in with the law in two days, and i'm thinking it might be the start of a trend, but nothing bad happened. we went into the game, where i still didn't watch too much as we sat in a section in which everyone stood, and by that time i was a leetle bit buzzed(=sleepy). sadaf and jim actually sort of clicked in their common love of carla-abuse, and she gave me vague gestures that i assume indicate she approves of him. then we left early.

afterwards, jim and i hung out in his room for a bit. and here is where shit gets weird. if i understand my baseball metaphors correctly, and i might not, i admit, he got to second base, but skipped first entirely. i assume that would involve some sort of mad dash diagonally across the field, tossing aside the pitcher like a sack of so much flour, taking out the shortstops with well-aimed kicks to the groin, and barreling straight into the third baseman head-first. so there's the mad question, why do i not just take the initiative? well i really don't know where he is going with all of this. am i a piece of ass? a piece of ass with conversation perks? a friend who benefits him? or does he want "love." i'm not going to go after him, just to be toyed with like a piece of string, (i've been playing with string a lot lately) which i'm starting to fear might be the case, as i overthink everything ever. but in this case, fears may be valid. i seem to recall that he and the not-ex-but-"break" girl were going to go to europe during christmas break. he mentioned today he would, but i remember hearing last year that they both were to go. so if that is the case, i see myself getting thrown over faster than a reality show romance after the cameras stop rolling.

so i don't know, i'm reluctant to get all "heavy" on him and demand explanation(!!!), and reluctant to take the reins if i might get screwed (in the weeping into a pint of ice cream way, not the "yeah baby, harder, faster" way). but jim is acting very odd and while he will nuzzle me, or peck the top of my head, and don't forget the groping, won't actually kiss me. which i kinda understand, as i don't think he can tell if i'm interested in him or merely tolerating his attentions. and i'm beginning to wonder if i really am interested in him. there's that whole aforementioned shit hanging in front of me, his hands get all warm and sweaty, and when i'm around him, i just don't feel any heat (also literally, i think his body temperature is lower than mine, and i don't like cold things), but that could just be the result of the other reservations. but he is, in general, pretty sweet, cute, and terribly similar in taste. and i do rather like him. i
hate
to be such a tease.

this is sad, but until i make some sort of decision, it really does seem i am just using him...for his tv. i guess i won't be forced to some sort of decision until we sign up for cable, though. some time far in the distant tomorrow. (cue theme song from the outer limits)

daze of maliaise

so today was a big, dumb, day. started out well, but much too early. kat and i were up late visiting jim at triangle. we all basically sat around (there was drinking, though, for some reason, i did not partake) and watched adult swim and daily show. it was just after the debates so john stewart had wonderful, wonderful material and is my god. jim and i got into another cuddle. my neck was nuzzled, etc. now my superman t-shirt smells powerfully of him and i can't wear it, though technically, it isn't even dirty. (kat says she can't smell anything, which makes me seem paranoid and obsessive, but i maintain i have always had a powerful nose for people-scents. i'm not insane.) so, i woke up waay early for class, though actually about half an hour earlier than absolutely necessary, as far as waking up early went. got dressed, ate biscotti drank coffee, and trekked down to north campus to get the advisor to put me on the wait list for the lit class i want. so i'm number 1 for my section, and i make it to class after one false start where i walk into the wrong classroom, realize my mistake, return to the councilor for the correct classroom number, and search for the lecture hall wildly. and i totally dug it. the first lecture was a brief history of the english language, and i so miss both lit and history. love! next was section for that same class. i talked to my ta, and he said he'd let me in. huzzah! now i'm just waiting for him to send me the pte number so i can override the waitlist position. i'm waiting to be official before i buy my books. i bought lunch (see previous post), went to ls2 (i know tons of people in the class, but only in passing. chauzer is even in it! though we have nothing in common and only exchanged the barest of niceties.), went to calc (which i have completely forgotten), and went back to the apartment, running into kat on the way (see previous post).

had awkward convo with kim (previous post), blew off jim and triangle event - broom hockey - and then fell into hypoglycemic stupor for the rest of the evening. napped, met roosh's cousin, went to supermarket, watched kat beat metroid prime. energy returned in part after eating instant oven pizza, but had nothing to do. we finally stopped getting free cable so the tv is all snow and static, *sob*. eventually, we all ended up at amy and elissa's place for liquor and fun. i drank a bit, and considering that i was essentially dry all summer, hardly felt the effects. tomorrow i'm going to the football game with jim and sadaf, but don't know when we're leaving. oh well. i'll never wake up in time, sadaf will be pissed and leave without me, and jim will irrationally blame me for something or other, when it was he who didn't think to tell me the departure time. i think i'll enjoy it. i don't ever see enough football.

October 01, 2004

so i am writing about her, the irony

imed kim today completely out of the blue. i was walking around campus and had the urge to talk to her. don't really know why. but, as my random instincts tend to produce terribly relevant results, i went along. wasn't the only impulse i had today, something told me to walk the l__ route back to the apartment, rather than s__. i had half a sandwich and half a muffin saved for kat from my lunch. they were her favorite kerchoff coffee house foods, and i was feeling very nice today. i had called, and she hadn't answered during my lunch break between classes, and when my day finished, i was hoping she'd be in the apartment so i could give them to her. she wasn't in the apartment, though. i ended up running into her on my way back home. brilliant, intuition. my conversation with kim, though was less fortunate. it was terribly awkward, to be expected, really, but much more drama filled than necessary. i told her i had satisfied the urge to catalogue her actions and write about them for my own pleasure, so i'll leave this post brief. however, suffice it to say, i no longer much care, it would be much too much a vain and silly endeavor to rebuild that bridge. i'm still waiting for the life moral.