August 28, 2004


things i don' want to share with my parents. pleasantries. been a snarky little bitch all week and i can't exactly explain why. there's really no explanation for it, i just can't seem to be civil to either of them for very long. eventually it all turns to sass. hope. i'm sending the notorious kim essay to a magazine for possible publication and when asked, "what are you doing?" simply replied "nothing." "look, i know you're doing something. " "no." if i tell them what i'm up to, i know mom'll crow and dad will announce his boundless, if not slightly less pompous, support. i don't want that. i don't want to think i might make it. i am much more comfortable with pessimism. but really, it's just not fair to be printing this out and addressing envelopes and all in front of them. i mean, just not subtle. the other thing i'm not sharing is my ambition. for similar reasons, i'm not going to tell them that i intend on applying for the daily bruin. i mean, chances are pretty slim as it is, i have no publication experience whatsoever. i am literally leaving a entire page of my application blank, except for the words "yes" and "no." and if i'm feeling particularly informative, "none." really, it comes down to the fact that i don't want them to have a part in the process. these are my actions, and the fact that i'm stealing envelopes and stamps from them, not to mention room and board and tuition, does not give them a place in that. no, really. i don't want their support and i don't want to share. see? unmitigated snark.

in other news:

went to see garden state last night with kat and amy. told the 'rents i'd be home at 1, came back at 1:30. snark! really liked the movie, though suegol didn't like the ending, kat thought it was a bit contrived and generally on par with lost in translation (i wa'n't to fond), and amy thought it was preeetty good, eh. talked to morgan a bit more last couple of days. kat strongly recommends that i stop bitching about being lonely and jump on that. i cringe slightly and go, "but hoooooooow??" so i'm gonna stop bitching now for a while. *collective cheer!* mmm, now i'm watching a sweetened version of pulp fiction on tv. it's cute, they say "freakin'" a lot. the weird dreams have been continuing. i don't quite remember the last as i woke up and fell back asleep again, but it was weird and vivid and there was another cuddly guy in it. yar. actually, more than cuddly (lots) which is really very rare. ah well. i've been sass in a glass all this week, which was in my horoscope for last week, and this week i'm supposed to "be like Avis and try harder" for a man. but, i think i'm just gonna live out my sad whiney life as usual and continue to piss off those around me in a myriad of ways. snark!

August 27, 2004

other women's men

i've been having very odd dreams as of late. v. colorful and vivid. last night i was back at school indoors sitting i on some class i wasn't enrolled in with ____. desks were simultaneously sitting upright and lying down, cuddly. (this part, i know, had something to do with the fact that i was luxuriously sleeping in panties and socks.) it was, of all things, a fashion class, complete with fashion show. desks were lined up in the center for a ramp towards the end and the fashions were on the way. but they were being held up. i set out looking for them, by now the classroom had turned into a grassy field full of sunshine and bright colors. i climbed a mountain that hadn't been there before and hopped on a cloud, something about a bird...swamp, trees. my toes grew very long, like adraine's ball of thread or something. it was like the skin on them grew all long ad flabby and tender. hurt, actually. found the missing...children? and the lady leading them to the class; they had gotten lost. i brought them over and ____ fixed my ailing toes, removing the extra skin like putty and cutting the webbing that had grown in between. i have absolutely no way to explain the dream, but when i got up this morning i trimmed my toenails.

been having some rather vivid fantasies of late, as well. yow.

ooh, also drooling over men on tv. was watching queer eye and the man they were making over was this super hot straight figure skater with this incredible body, beautiful hair, and prefect chiseled features. and he was so loving towards his wife. woof! all dressed up he was fuck-me-now hot. i drooled over this man in front of my mum for a full hour. shameful, no shameless.

i am just gagging for a shag. seriously, it's just sad. now, i just need to find a guy who is a. here, and b. not already taken. and while i'm at it, i'd also like a pony.

August 23, 2004

illicit sneaky

just sneaked into the kitchen for spoons of strawberry shortcake ice cream. like a couple of nights ago, i stood alone and wary, bare feet on the cold kitchen floor, listening for my parents to come down and discover me. it's like secret kahlua night part 2. the day i go alone to the night kitchen and pour booze on my fatty fatty ice cream for a secret shameful snack, hidden from my parents is the night i have hit rock bottom. on the other hand, booze, liquor, or any combination of the two with friends or in the open is alright. it's the sneaky that makes it so pathetic. and man have i been doin' the illicit sneaky as of late.

August 22, 2004

pink really isn't my favorite color, it just amuses me, is all

post in order to appease chris: i told his this morning that there was a "new development" (slight pun) and i had dyed my hair last night. he said "i know." now, as i have not talked to him for days this put me a bit off, how should he know that, eh?he told me i had blogged it. turns out i blogged that i would do that. doesn't he know never to take me at face value? i never do the shit i say i will. i lie. oh except in this case, when i really did dye bits of my hair pink - bleach 'n all. but it is so freakin' pink!!! fuck-it-all pink. fuck-you-all-pink. my dad hates it.

so what else is new?

terribly sore from lifting weights. even the muscles necessary to scratch my ear hurt. it takes a lot more convincing than usual to get my lazy ass to do anything at all. still, i did manage to wash mum's car yesterday. without being asked. i think it's a medal-worthy feat. the liftin' was alright. i kept expecting the big surge of endorphins to course through my veins and make me haaapy, but no. didn't even sweat. doesn't help, however, that dad kept calling me over between sets to introduce me to the people he trains. i talked to mani, my old nanny's son. forever. ran into some girl from my high school who asked me a million questions about la because she's going there for college, too. couldn't figure out for the like of me how this girl knew so much about me. the school i go to? i never talked to her, ever. shit, i couldn't even remember her name! which made it difficult when dad brought people over to meet me, as i had no way to introduce them to her. i simply did the rude thing and pretended she didn't exist till they left. i hadn't brought a water bottle to the gym, and i swear, by the end i was pretty much pining for one. throat so dry. vocal chords raspy. dad said he was surprised at how much i had matured, being able to talk to friendly to all his friends. i've always been able to chat perfectly well with adults, it's people my own age i freak out around and become awkward. meeting new adults, i'm golden, meeting new tweens, i am covered in boils. boils of sarcasm.

but now to old friends... kat and i have been watching movies and the telly on dvd a lot lately, her mum got one of those unlimited blockbuster passes. we baked a cake a couple of nights ago, turned out v. well. white chocolate cappuccino, part deux, the revenge of the batter. last time we made this cake, the batter fell flatter than...well, me! but this time it was so fluffy until the last, so the cake was light and airy! so good. it was the frosting we fucked up. put all the heavy cream in, not saving any for the filling, so the frosting was too dilute and we had no filling. but we improvised (the key word in all our cooking) and separated some frosting for the filling and put more butter and chocolate in the rest to bulk it up. the butter kept separating out, but we made it work in the end and have now given ourselves the collective title of "goddesses in the kitchen."

there's a pretty high turnover rate for the number six slot on my phone. i set friends to speed dial when i hit a number, #1 (preset) is voicemail, #2 and 3 are home, #4 is kat, #5 is sadaf, and #6 is curst. for about a year and a half it was jeff, but as you have likely read ad nauseam, that friendship is no more. then, for a brief period this summer it was matt. but he lasted only a couple of months. one night out on the town, sadaf "warned" me a bit of his m.o. it seems he gloms to one girl, whether romantically or no, i could not comment, and hangs out with her to pretty much the exclusion of others for a time, and then, like the flu, moves on. though not nearly so maliciously. so this might explain why i saw so much of him during the beginning of the summer, and now, only speak to him when i initiate. *shrug* i bear him no ill will, it only seems a bit much to allot him a preset on my phone if that's going to be the case. but the object of his attention does seem to have changed, he told me last night that he caught a bit of a cold...from a girl. oooh. a girl with whom he had gotten "extremely" close. haha! it amuses me that sadaf anticipated his actions so. matt refuses to tell me who she is, and instead suggested i guess. in turn, i refused, too childish, and i don't know the names of his friends, anyway. but i suspect that it was the hefty girl who gooed so over his photographs the last time i saw him, all that time ago. he did basically ignored me that night in favor of her attentions, and that would be a fair foreshadowing, wouldn't it? unlike jeff's dissolution, i'm taking this extremely well. it is less extreme, after all, but really, i'm not pissed at all (am i growing as a person? am i??). meh. and matt's just gone off to college, went some time this morning, actually, and i don't really expect to hear from him much anyway. so, anyways, there is a free slot in my phone that i'm not quite sure how to fill. maybe it'll remain empty until i get an upgrade. but we'll see. oh the drama!

August 20, 2004

petering out

i'm rather bored with this all, to be honest. work is a drag, parents are getting a bit heavy, and yadda yadda yadda. good: been watching many movies and bad 80's cartoons with kat. bad: been waking up late for work. bad: been craving booze and fun. bad: been waking up just in time to be late for work. good: washed hair this morning and am going to dye bits of it pink. bad: haven't gotten any exercise since before oho. bad: putting off monterey even further. bad: been pining for a pretty boy and lovin'. so, the score is 3 bad for every 1 good. not good score. i should really go to bed now. and i will. just after i melancholy for a moment. ... yes. good. thanks. bye.

August 18, 2004

oh, so on the road to alcoholism

just took a shot of kaluah. yeah that's right, drinkin' alone in my kitchen on a wednesday night. i would have done drunk some vodka, but that's heavier and the drinks cupboard is really high up. also i don't really want it to taint my breath too badly in case mum scents me. i guess i'm feeling ever so sliiightly buzzed, but not enough to make me happy. just watched sixteen candles. if i had that family, i would have killed them all in my sleep. not that my family didn't once forget my birthday. my...seventeenth i think. i was pissed. unfortunately, it wasn't saved by hooking up with a hot rich boy. nothing in my life ever is. *pouts* barely suppressed rage while watching it. i should go take another shot of something, but really it's all too sad. i can't do like dad and mix myself a nice cocktail and drink it and fall asleep on the couch. so jealous. wanna go back to la so i can get liquored up with my friends in my spankin' nice apartment. i'm basically bored and alone. damn i need a man. or else a proper drunken rampage. whatever, i'm not picky.

a brief history of bosoms

breast theory part 3:

i recently bought a couple pairs red bras, a couple pairs black. alright, i got them today, and it was 2 of each color, all underwire, 36b, if you must know. and every time i put one on, or any of my other big-girl bras for that matter, i instantly have the urge to show them off. my unruly charges. it's really not very polite, but i generally want to wear more form-revealing clothing, and really low cut shirts that don't quite cover. and this is whether or not anyone else is even around. i can't really explain that one. unless, of course, i were to conclude that as long as my breasts have a mind of their own, they also may have egos of their own. and that is just too scary to contemplate. when i'm not wearing a bra, the urge to show them off is much less strong, actually, i develop increased modesty in that case. (at least i won't get a swelled head?)

i do find myself relating to everything through my breasts, it's really quite unnerving. i have tried to find a balance between underwire time and free-for-all (i mean bralessness, not some sort of public happy hour in my shirt). day time is bound and brassiered, night time is all about the freedom. and sometimes the freedom spills over into daylight hours. i hope this makes me less manipulative and evil than most, but i'm not betting on it.

i don't know, there really aren't any conclusions here, just the question, wtf? seriously, these things should come with a manual. thought: the amazons would cut off one breast in order to nock a bow without obstruction. what psychological effect did that have?

August 16, 2004

geek porn

flipping through channels. landed on sci-fi. stargate was on, but the scene was an anonymous hand touching a giant glowing computer tower. why did i think "oof, so hot!"?? why? but so hot. geek love.

August 15, 2004

rubber chickens, pirate patches, and unmitigated joy

does it make me unamerican that i don't care about the olympics? i have watched sport this weekend, but sport that had nothing to do with global community or striving to achieve a heroic and inspirational victory. no, i went to a raiders-niners game and watched overpaid men slam into one another very very hard over and over again. (i make an american pastime sound so very homoerotic, but as i actually heard a call last night that was "illegal touching," i'm not going to stop any time soon. hee, that's the best call ever.) worked a shift at the costume store that day. made jokes with the old co-workers and generally enjoyed myself. got very little done, though. it did give me the opportunity to remember that i can never ever take myself seriously - the first thing i did upon getting to work was unpack a large box of rubber chickens and pirate eyepatches. literally. was in a bit of an odd mood, though. stayed up till 3 that morning writing an unusual short story about the death of an elm tree. is it environmentalist propaganda? is it satire? is it good? i don't know! went to game just after work, dad picked me up. napped on the way to the game. tailgaters scare me. i brought a book, candide to the game. yeah, that's voltaire. the game was too interesting to break out the book, though. yay! i dug being there until it got freezing cold, that is. came back and forced a drunken chris to read the short story. he said it was like a blend of stephen crane and edgar allen poe. i think that's much higher praise than i deserved, but it inspired me to start reading red badge of courage. never read it before. i'm now about halfway done.

today was back at the cookware store, finished voltaire. went to see free shakespeare in the park with mum and the gals. saw twelfth night. so i have to ask, which is real? carla watching football or carla watching shakespeare? i like the discrepancy. gives me joy. also, the whole rubber chicken thing is just damn cool. i heart my life.

August 12, 2004

overdue post, unbridled egoism, cool things i saw

finally got back from ohio. now i tell you about my trip. woke up 8ish, blah blah blah, chatted online a bit, ate, airport, plane, whoosh!, 3 hour layover in o'hare (ironic, because jim demanded that i visit him in chicago rather than go to ohio, and i insulted him), whoosh!, arrived in cincinatti. rented a car (awesome thing i saw #1: the car rental bathroom doubles as a tornado shelter) and drove to the tiiny litttle town of...something, ohio. (on the way, saw awesome thing #2: xavier university. not quite an x-men reference, but still damn cool.) i noticed an amazing thing: none of the billboards i passed used sex to sell their product. not a one! they all had pictures of the product and bright colors and text. not a single sultry stare among them! the bible belt is like another country for me. arrived in tiny town of grandma's retirement supervillage. it takes up, like, half the town. (awesome thing #3: there's a hustler store in tiny blue collar town of grandma livin'. the only hustler store i have ever heard of is in la, and then one turns up in the middle of nowhere, ohio. i totally freaked out.) the visit was pretty dull. communed with the relatives, which means i mostly listened to the adults talk among themselves and acted polite. first day dressed a bit scandalously: new blue sexy top and white nearly transparent skirt. thought i'd offend their delicate christian sensibilities a bit. grandma thought i was soo pretty and raved about it. i attribute it to failing eyesight. then the kids came, my three young cousins. they glommed to me and demanded entertainment. i played with them pretty well, until the youngest peed himself and started leaning against all my stuff and my leg. yucky moist children. i spent most of my free time reading john updike's rabbit, run. brilliantly written, you could feel the desperation and the tension reading it, but that made me quiet and moody the entire trip. i was v. quiet and demure the entire time. shock! the second day we went to a sculpture garden, dad, gram, my aunt and i. while i would usually dig that, it was just tedious and dull driving around with the fam. next day flew home. 5 hour stopover in texas. made $100 switching flights, 'cuz they overbooked. actually, technically each ticket was $250 flight vouchers in kickback for switching, but dad wanted to keep more money. i got compensated at a lower rate, then. i got a "don't mess with texas shot glass." i can see it now, staggering about drunkenly, slurring, "i strongly discourage you from messing with texas, good sir," or, "it would be highly unwise for you to mess with texas at this juncture in time," and finally, "ayup." made a lot of (me) drinkin' references to dad. actin' out after a very polite weekend. hah. (awesome thing #4: saw a night thunderstorm from the plane. big ol' gray cloud shaped like a hat, periodically torn by flashed of light scrabbling across it like a spider with sprawling legs. i'm poe-tic.)

so got back and been spending random blocks of time setting up the computer. i'm now on my very own wireless network! no more stealing from the neighbors for me. saw flirty mac salesman yesterday. he offered to take mom for a ride on his motorcycle. she gushed. heehee. she's so cute. so been workin' back at the cook store. (awesome thing #5: driving home from work the other day i saw the word "gringots" taped on a bank window.) went to see a fab double feature at the stanford. jason and the argonauts and the seventh voyage of sinbad (awesome thing #6). they are the movies of my childhood, i used to watch them on mst3k when i was little. i wasn't exactly a "cool" child, but goddammit, i had all the makings. batman tv, mst3k, green hornet tv, get smart, mcgyvver - good things. and now i rock. case closed.

August 05, 2004

i think my purse might be haunted...

this evening coming out of work, i was amazed to heard a distinct, tiny, high-pitched evil giggle. it came from my handbag. i was shocked and a little freaked out. god, i hope it's not would suck if my purse had gremlins.

August 04, 2004

three days worth of thoughts

just read bridget jones' diary. had the urge to compulsively weigh myself all day. damn stupid smug clever british chick novel. making me neurotic like the main character. actually, she seems a lot less crazy in the book than in the movie. though the other characters are much different. finished that and started rabbit, run by john updike. his name is so familiar to me, but i don't know what it is of his that i have read. it has made me begin a philosophical little literary rant that i will get into another time, namely when the television is not distracting me. i like that new axe body spray commercial where the man's actions make things happen to the women around him (eg. opening a book opens a woman's blouse, pushing up his sleeve pushes up a woman's skirt), v. sexy.

i, too, am becoming v. sexy with the help of a little shopping trip i made with the girls and a new gym pass. it's a little tank top that makes up in vibrant blue-ness what in lack in size. it has the two crossing panel bits that go in front and make an x across the chest and tummy, giving it a v-neck and a triangular gap above the bellybutton. only to be worn on flat-tummy days. and to increase the frequency of those days... my parents have been nagging me to visit dad at work (ymca) and work out, and after two years they have finally worn me down. i went on mon and shock and amaze! dug the weightlifting. went back today and got set up on the computer. also did a short stint on the bike. hated the bike. got on, pedaled, pedaled, pedaled, pedaled...pedaled. got fed up, left. 10 min of cardio. when i told kat that i dug the gym, she suggested we take cardio classes with weights. i told her i preferred lifting. she called me "such" a man. pbbth! so what if i like pumping iron?? it'll make me powerful and strong, strong to kick ass! has made me a bit sore, though. inner thighs, especially. i was lying on my bed last night, stretching. it was really almost obscene. really though, felt like steel cables. steel cables on fine. rrrr.

mum got a laptop today in an extremely lengthy trip to the apple store. i could picture it going in. dad would repeatedly bitch about the price. mom would ask the salesperson in an overloud voice for a computer that did "word pro-ces-sing and the in-ter-net," as if she were asking for something unusual and highly specific, like "3-d wave function graphing capabilities with live updating." turns out, the saleguy though she was just adorable (as we all do). think maybe he was scopin' me out a bit, kept smiling at me and making jokes aimed at me, when i obviously wasn't the purchaser. hee, well i was wearin' the sexy new top. *grin* got a cheap i=pod though, the spanky new ones with the clickwheel. about $80 (rebate with ibook). don't know yet if i'm gonna keep it or sell it.

ah, speaking of my crazed family, talked to grandma on the phone this evening. she's gotten a bit senile, i discovered when she told me directions to get to her retirement home twice, already having given them to my father, knowing he was driving. growing old scares me. i don't want to get saggy and fat, but even more i fear losing my mind and descending into fog, delusion, and senility. ah, but this trip will be a joy. kat has offered me dvds of six feet under to watch once there. tempted to bring 'em, but then i'd have to bring the laptop, and justify that to dad. meh, think i will anyways.

i am tempted to dress slutty and do very heathen things. watch heathen movies, read heathen books, cuss and hehehe. i'm thinking pulp fiction, six feet under, and the schrodinger's cat trilogy. yeees... ah, just saw quentin tarantino spazzing out on leno. love and hate.

ooh, there's this show, the sunday night sex show, hosted by this little old woman who gives the most graphic advice complete with diagrams and um...demonstrations. half the most terrifying thing on earth, half completely fantastic. whatever it is, i want to be that sort of very old woman. very informative, however. just learned about the female condom, benefits, insertion technique, hypoallergetic properties. the last one is important because of something i really didn't need to know about someone. but the fact that this information came into my life seems an omen. bad bad omen. tv said that and *pause* oh crap...stupid universe. stop taunting me with things i don't need to think about ever ever ever!

or do i? heatheny, no? no, thought about it, don't want to think about it. what i do want, however, is a snack.