July 05, 2004

suspicion and suffocation

went up to skyline with matt for fireworks watchin' tonight. the fireworks really were unimpressive, but skyline is so beautiful at night. the sky was so full of stars, more than home or la and the lights of the valley below really dwarfed anything the 4th could call upon. just kept thinking "i really need to get up here again with someone i am really attracted to." of course, they'll most likely have a girlfriend (or an obsessive hang-up on their ex), considering my track record, so i'll end up sitting in the dark, pining. ah, well, it's a beautiful vista. i feel like going up there and mocking everyone, i feel sick style. i'm such a sheep, but god damn, it is pretty. i have a horrible suspicion my dad thinks i'm dating matt. oh dear, wrong, wrong man. i don't really know how to set him right. i do hang out with matt a lot, yes, and i am going out on a fancy dinner with him thurs (sounds like a date, don't it?), but really, no dating. just friend. so it seems right now, i'm missing a party, which is mildly disappointing, but i'm not really well acquainted with the host and my parents were expecting me back too soon for me to go. i'm trying to convince matt to throw one, he has the house to himself all summer, lucky boy. i cannot be alone here at all. since mother can't drive herself, whenever i am here, she is here. and dad's work has rather truncated hours, so again, he's around, hovering. i've mentioned this before, i'm sure. just the vague suffocating presence. ugh. oh well, i might just take more frequent trips to skyline, get into the big beautiful world. sky, trees, sun, fresh air. probably just what i need. still hoping to get out for a hike at some time. with matt. isn't dad going to surprised.


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