July 03, 2004

if this fails, i could always grow a hump and go live in a belltower

so my dears, i have come to several small conclusions that i have already always known (insert melodramatic pause).

alright, i believe this needs to be prefaced with more than just that previous sentence to prove to you i'm not just being stupid and insane and obsessive.

i have trouble meeting people (boy people especially). it takes me a long while to get to like someone. i can't actually go out on dates because i get hyper self-aware and weird due to the contrived social situation. while i do occasionally develop crushes, they are mostly on unavailable men. though i'm often horny, feeling actual sexual attraction is rare.

so many planets would have to align for me to actually get a boyfriend that i think, short of divine intervention, that is an impossibility. impossibility, i say! (there, ha.) once said to blaize that i don't think i'm cut out for dating and he gave me this horrified look, as if i had said "i don't think i'm cut out to go out in public," or something equally ridiculous and antisocial. but really, it's just dating. it's not like i've said "i'm not cut out for sex." don't know how i'm going to get any, i'm going to need to get over issues of guilt (complicated psyche), and i'd like to find a guy i like well enough to make it worth it, but i still want. ah well, i half trust that someday i'll get desperate enough and lower my standards to the ground.

[i flip between channels. on nine, classic spanish guitar, on ten, man playing rock on a seafoam-colored ax.] [anyone notice how spock's disguises make him even more conspicuous than the pointy ears and eyebrows would have done.]


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