July 24, 2004

dreamy. sorta.

hello there people y'all. today i went back to non-child-related work. loverly. the inventory i had been working on at the cookware store is all screwed up and i can't find the unnecessary and anal retentive lists i made along the way and my boss wants me to do the data entry in a different manner entirely. it's almost enough to put one right off the job altogether...heh heh heh. but this place pays much better than the cookware store, so i'll just have to cope. today during my break i deposited my paycheck (!), got a chai frappuchino from starbuck's, and sat in the sun on a convenient ornamental concrete block reading abrose bierce. he is my new literary hero. i want to be just like him, but first i'd have to expand my vocabulary exponentially. tomorrow, no work. there are 2 birthday parties i'm invited to, and two parties i said i'd attend. why can't the universe space these things out, huh? so, i'll have to blow off nicole, because hers i found out about later. sad. matt wants to go to his dad's place after suegol's beach thing and have funtastic party time (drink and watch a movie with me and sadaf. laugh riot right there.) now, however to explain to my parents that i want to spend the night at matt's? "it's either that or driving drunk," i'm afraid, is not going to cut it as a good excuse, and i just so hate lying. frankly, i'm not terribly looking forward to it, anyways. seems rather a pointless exercise, i mean, if it's just the two of them. i'm not going to really have any more fun with them drunk than sober. oh well, we'll see what happens or if i go. i have decided that i do need to spend more time with my friends. i find that my facial expression when i'm just standing around, not doing much of anything, slowly sinks into a look of utter dull contempt and displeasure. i'm a lively and fun young girl...when i'm not slowly turning into a crotchety old grandma. driving home today, suddenly i became afraid that i'd turn into a bored malcontent, bereft of joy. i've just realized that that's what happened to my dad. (sources tell me that at one point in time he was carefree and good-humored.) i don't want that to happen to me! i've been having mildly upsetting dreams recently. and very colorful and vidid. a couple of nights ago i dreamed i was planning my father's funeral, and i thought he was dead, but he wasn't and i knew that, but he was and the funeral needed to be planned...i don't know really. and before that, i had a nightmare that a man was stalking me. (when i was younger, most of my nightmares involved some sort of stalker bent on killing me, ties in to large deep-seated fears of helplessness. thank overprotective parents who wouldn't let me leave the house alone as a child and even into my teens because murderers and rapists lurked on every street corner.) the man was chasing me around my neighborhood until he climbed through one of the windows in the upper stories of our house. i had dad fight him as i have this problem in any dream in which i must fight. my blows land heavy and short, as if slowed by some outside force, or under water. for some reason, i can't inflict any harm in my dreams. this dream upset me slightly, though, as i haven't had a nightmare for years. bad dreams, yes, but not a proper nightmare since middle school. fortunately, i was able to cognizant-dream myself out of that scrape. and finally, last night, i was playing around a posh shopping district in la with two male friends i don't have n real life and there was something between one of them and me and then i separated from them for a bit and ran into lindsey lohan, with whom i was all buddy-buddy, until i got thrown out of the store we were in. yeah. speaking of father, i can hear him snoring from here, downstairs and with the door to his room closed. please don't let me turn into that. maybe i will get drunk with my friends tomorrow night...

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