July 31, 2004

hi, ohio, oh no

i worked 8 hours, each day yesterday and today. both last night and the night before, i slept 8 hours. i'm lying on the ground. wiped. got dinner with mum this evening at thai basil, beginning to love that place. we rented amile and down with love (hee). watched amile, very good movie, 4th time i saw it, though. the other is just crap. that i think i might just love. when i get around to watching it. tomorrow some time. and then to see twelfth night free in the park. loooove.

so, it horrifically turns out that next weekend, friday to monday, i will go to visit my relatives in ohio with my dad. mum gets out of it because she's still gimpy. bitch. i really don't want to go visit. every time i have to see the relatives, i freak out a little. the boredom seems more intense, the awkward silences all the more awkward...and silent. but what really makes me rant in obsessive, insane fervor is my grandmother and one set of aunt and uncle. very religious branch of the family that is. unable to conceive children of their own, the aunt and uncle adopted three from asia. cute, clever, and sweet, these kids comprise the majority of children i can actually stand. their upbringing is uber-wholesome. church and grace before dinner. nightly prayer. no more than one hour of television a day. obedience. private schools. fun schedules and planned activities. i'm pretty sure they aren't allowed to read harry potter. i don't know why, but this makes me very self-righteous. children should have chaos! i think about all this and feel subversive. i want to teach the children magic spells and cusses and other religious philosophies. actually, that group of the family in general make me feel all sneaky and mean and heathenish. yes heathenish! i am comforted by the fact that a separate set of aunt and uncle is atheist and a third is divorced.

shouldn't really be a comfort, but i am weird when it comes to my family. really. in general, i think i could probably be better served if i didn't really see them. they're not so much cherished people in my life as foreign, despite the obligation of blood ties. ugh. the entire clan just gives me jangley nerves, which are not made better by my patent inability to see them as anything more than two-dimensional caricatures. maybe this visit, i will actually talk with my relatives, learn about them as people, though looking at the track record, this is unlikely. last time i visited the clan in ohio, it turns out that my aunt and uncle split because he was cheating on her with a family friend. i was staying at their house. and kept wondering...where's uncle jan? is he away for work? have they split? why is no one telling me??? would it be indiscrete if i asked? finally i eavesdropped and discovered the truth. was soo pissed off at my parents for not warning me, how could that not occur to them? grandma sends cards at holidays and dad will call her every few weeks. somehow, the majority of the conversation circles around the topic of weather. this just outrages me. is there nothing in anyone's life more interesting than humidity levels?? that's a pathetic relationship. to expend the effort of maintaining contact and spending money on phonecalls and stamps if nothing more substantial is discussed than the sunshine, or rainfall.

i feel scaley and spiney and bristled. what would redeem the trip? something better to do. alright i'm fishing. chris lives an hour away and a visit would relieve the monotony anticipated. ah well, little chance there. stupid yucky ohio. what i am convinced is the highway-side self-storage lot for the country's kin.

short

work today was exhaust-o. got home and just sat around the rest of the evening. i have to return some time...today...nineish in the morning. heh. should go to bed now. been watching stargate and drawing tattoo ideas. i saw something very funny but i don't remember what it was any more. crap. oh well, bed now, eh?

July 29, 2004

lists i make and moodswings

yesterday was my day off. i spent most of it doing not much of anything until evening. i watched enter the dragon with matt, which has suddenly necessitated me to re-evaluate my list of men i love. (bruce lee, not matt, sorry.)
1. bruce lee, 2. tintin, 3. adam west's batman, 4. john stewart, 5. seth macfarlane (?), 6. paul rudd (i think there were more, but i've forgotten)

spent the next half hour or so after that engaged in a tickle fight with matt. i want more bruce lee movies!

this morning, i had to drive to fremont to get my paycheck. it was nice and big, but over $100 were taken off for taxes! nooooo! was late to the cookware store, and spent the day thinking:
this morning, i wanted best of all a pretty boy to whisper into my neck that he wanted and needed me lots.
this afternoon, i wanted best of all a pretty boy to lick me and tell me i'm tasty.
this evening, i wanted best of all someone, anyone to rub my shoulders until i am soft.
tonight, i wanted to slip my hand between some pretty boy's thighs.
yeah, i'm sad.

on the way home and just before i saw today things i saw:
a buzz lightyear doll in the lefthand lane of the road.
a brilliantly colorful old woman dressed in magentas, pinks, and purple down to her lips. (i want to sparkle when i grow old.)
a blue honda civic with the license-plate holder "dadz as cool as his car." *snicker*
a woman on the road open and close the door of her moving car.

so irritation drubbed out by just everything else in life that's funny and shiny. good times. after, it was dinner, home, and then fry's with mum. i got dragonsong and a book of pablo neruda's poetry. also a a bad, cheesy dvd. on the way back got dropped at matt's with the promise of ice cream. got there, but no cold stone, instead the tail end of gone in 60 seconds. wasn't entertained and was generally buzzkilled. pah. i have 9:15 scrawled in blue pen on my wrist. the time i have to be at work tomorrow.

somewhere i went from thinking, "ah, i have to enjoy every minute of life, ain't it grand," to general pissiness. great.

July 28, 2004

personal observations

been back at the cookware store this week, making more money to pay my bills. yesterday i got a small reprieve, however, as i took a short trip in the middle of my workday to drive my boss' children to a friend's house. i didn't mind at all, as it got me out of the store, off my feet, and i was still working billable hours. unfortunately, i had a bit of trouble finding 280, as i'm not familiar with its entrances down in los altos, so i pulled onto a street just before gunn high school, and then into the first parking lot i saw, to call my mum for directions. this happened to be the parking lot of a beautiful old graveyard - the headstones were a lovely motley assortment. (i hate the clinical sameness of military graveyards.) i was delighted, but the children squealed about dead people rising from the grave or something, so i got my directions and we were off. dropped them off without further incident and returned to the store, however i was so disinclined to work that i simply took the rest of the day off, but as it was 5 already, this was no big feat. on the way home, i stopped at the costume store and left a cheeky note for the boss saying i could pick up some hours there, now that the teaching thing is through. i hope she interprets the note as quirky, rather than rude. it might have been a bit rude. karsten was a bit odd - i don't know what it is, i think the overall vibe that i get is one of evasiveness (of the fact that he likes me special). of course, it may be all in my head, as these things often tend to be. regardless, i was breezy and clever, and there was a bit of banter, there, which i always enjoy. i bought some eye shadow and left just at closing. the rest of the evening was spent quietly at home, working on nicole's tattoo, watching television, and chatting with chris.

this morning i awoke to mother watching horrid televised exercise programs, on what i'm sure has to have been public access tv. a sample, which i transcribed at the time and imed to several friends:

"my mum is watching (and playing along) with a show called 'sit and be fit.' it looks as if it were produced in the late 80's by elderly women, but as one of the songs they just used is from aladdin, that has to be wrong. now it's some sort of jazzy big band walking outside the happy fake burlesque house in disneyland music. oh good god. listen to this.
"'okay you're on a horse. now we're gonna get off and look for those rustlers. okay now get back on...partner. now we're gonna dust off those boots. this is really a hamstring stretch. one..two...three...four...five...six...seven...change and two...three...four...five...six...seven...change. toe taps now...and change. good. (lasso motions) now let's pull in that calf now...good. that was a tough one. .....okay, i see another calf out there, let's pull that one in. now let's march. and skip around you chair...and switch direction. good! and march. toe tapping...and the other side. now knee lifts. and those calves got pretty dusty on that last ride, so let's dust them off. good. hope you had as much fun as we did."

it's difficult to have respect for someone once you have seen them, in all seriousness, pretend to rope an imaginary calf at the behest of some idiot on television. i got over my shock, got dressed, ate, went to work. (tried on my new red eyeshadow, which i think is really quite becoming. great contrast with my eyes.) somehow at work i bonded with one customer by describing some honey my father's friend gave us. i got home about a week back to discover a jar of the stuff, literally bigger than my head, lurking in my kitchen. the jar is gone now, it's been divvied up into smaller portions for co-workers and friends, but some of that honey has stayed behind for us. that stuff is great, let me tell you. not at all like store-bought processed, etc. it tastes like herbs, earthy...i call it a "raw" flavor when i'm trying to be poetic. but that's how i described it to my customer. she seemed to like the story, which was a bit weird for me, as i was just babbling. finished up the workday rather uneventfully, except for a rather longer-than-anticipated phone call to kat during my break. went home, supped, and then went out to the movies with clarence. a double feature at the stanford. had a bit of trouble with the 85-101 onramp, they revamped it when i was gone, and the construction created an entirely unexpected detour. the movies were charming, company not too awkward, and i drove home about midnight, windows down, on the freeway blasting "highway to hell," which made me feel lovely and rebellious and cool. bedtime soon. i have tomorrow off, so i'll be around here somewhere enjoying myself, we hope. night!

July 25, 2004

big weekend

big weekend. yesterday was spent at the beach with friends. drove all around with matt, very buddy-buddy. good time, saw all the old friends in that group. the water was freezey, but i still went in and frolicked in the waves. got completely dropped by one, mouthful of seawater, sand in my bottoms, one tit out of my top, rose up from the water convulsing with laughter. i haven't been to the beach in years. back on land, i had sushi, tossed around a football, buried matt, and was buried, myself. needless to say, after that i excused myself to the bathroom to peel the caked sand out of my suit. there was nothing to do about the sand in my hair until the party disbanded to reconvene at shahin's house and matt and i returned to our respective houses to shower. the most rewarding shower ever. scrubbed the sand out of every orifice, including nose! yech. shampooed all the sand out of my locks, so as not to freak out the hairdresser today. "there's silt in my sink!" so i'm getting a haircut today, and fortunately right now my hair is grand in all its long curly fluffy fuzzy glory. i'm going to go in today and the stylist is gonna cuss. so after the shower, i called kim for the first time since the fiasco and the anger. she called me earlier to say she's coming to the bay to visit next week, so i guess we're gonna hang out and all that good fun. i think i may have been a bit obsequious, "so glad you called...happy to hear from you...good good fun happy love love" eesh. i'm somewhere between looking forward to seeing her and rather reluctant about all that, as well. i really don't want to spend between one and four hours eating a crow in front of her. (next on fear factor!)

July 24, 2004

dreamy. sorta.

hello there people y'all. today i went back to non-child-related work. loverly. the inventory i had been working on at the cookware store is all screwed up and i can't find the unnecessary and anal retentive lists i made along the way and my boss wants me to do the data entry in a different manner entirely. it's almost enough to put one right off the job altogether...heh heh heh. but this place pays much better than the cookware store, so i'll just have to cope. today during my break i deposited my paycheck (!), got a chai frappuchino from starbuck's, and sat in the sun on a convenient ornamental concrete block reading abrose bierce. he is my new literary hero. i want to be just like him, but first i'd have to expand my vocabulary exponentially. tomorrow, no work. there are 2 birthday parties i'm invited to, and two parties i said i'd attend. why can't the universe space these things out, huh? so, i'll have to blow off nicole, because hers i found out about later. sad. matt wants to go to his dad's place after suegol's beach thing and have funtastic party time (drink and watch a movie with me and sadaf. laugh riot right there.) now, however to explain to my parents that i want to spend the night at matt's? "it's either that or driving drunk," i'm afraid, is not going to cut it as a good excuse, and i just so hate lying. frankly, i'm not terribly looking forward to it, anyways. seems rather a pointless exercise, i mean, if it's just the two of them. i'm not going to really have any more fun with them drunk than sober. oh well, we'll see what happens or if i go. i have decided that i do need to spend more time with my friends. i find that my facial expression when i'm just standing around, not doing much of anything, slowly sinks into a look of utter dull contempt and displeasure. i'm a lively and fun young girl...when i'm not slowly turning into a crotchety old grandma. driving home today, suddenly i became afraid that i'd turn into a bored malcontent, bereft of joy. i've just realized that that's what happened to my dad. (sources tell me that at one point in time he was carefree and good-humored.) i don't want that to happen to me! i've been having mildly upsetting dreams recently. and very colorful and vidid. a couple of nights ago i dreamed i was planning my father's funeral, and i thought he was dead, but he wasn't and i knew that, but he was and the funeral needed to be planned...i don't know really. and before that, i had a nightmare that a man was stalking me. (when i was younger, most of my nightmares involved some sort of stalker bent on killing me, ties in to large deep-seated fears of helplessness. thank overprotective parents who wouldn't let me leave the house alone as a child and even into my teens because murderers and rapists lurked on every street corner.) the man was chasing me around my neighborhood until he climbed through one of the windows in the upper stories of our house. i had dad fight him as i have this problem in any dream in which i must fight. my blows land heavy and short, as if slowed by some outside force, or under water. for some reason, i can't inflict any harm in my dreams. this dream upset me slightly, though, as i haven't had a nightmare for years. bad dreams, yes, but not a proper nightmare since middle school. fortunately, i was able to cognizant-dream myself out of that scrape. and finally, last night, i was playing around a posh shopping district in la with two male friends i don't have n real life and there was something between one of them and me and then i separated from them for a bit and ran into lindsey lohan, with whom i was all buddy-buddy, until i got thrown out of the store we were in. yeah. speaking of father, i can hear him snoring from here, downstairs and with the door to his room closed. please don't let me turn into that. maybe i will get drunk with my friends tomorrow night...

July 22, 2004

school's out for summer

outfit: light pink bra, transparent white wifebeater, striped pants, black belt with steel holes. today was the last day with the kids and swelterey hot to boot, so when i got home and changed i figured i'd sex it up a little. "got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, i'm hot for teacher." (hehe. my mantra, throughout this affaire.) thought after all that misery and mess, i deserve to be a bit naughty, myself. class today was...interesting. first period was as much a pain as it ever is. glad i'll be getting rid of those kids. second period was very cool. kids were quiet, well-behaved. interested in the cooking, and helpful. a couple of the girls in the class had presents for me: little pictures they had drawn and candies they had been given in their previous class. things saying "math rules" and "carla is the best teacher ever!" i was surprised. i was sure that i had alienated this class by bitching at them unprovoked. very odd conversations with the students, though. one girl asked, "why do all black people smell the same?" and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. a tiny, little-girl voiced asian girl told me she could fart on command, which i thought was awesome, though completely incongruous. i chased down one boy, as he stole my hobo glove cut from a ducky-covered sock, and the rest of the class ran after us and swarmed him trying to get the glove back. i treatened to tickle him until he yielded up the glove, but i wouldn't actually ever tickle him because i don't want to be sued. the trick with teaching, i've discovered, is to make the threats vague enough to not sound horrible if reported to parents, administrators, or the police, but still fierce enough to work. my third class were horribly obnoxious. not at first, they were rowdy and energetic. but after being yelled at by my boss for leaving them alone in the room for a minute (i needed spoons!) my mood soured, and my patience dropped. one terribly obnoxious pair - a girl and boy - insisted on trying to escape at every opportunity, and when i insisted the remain inside, still tried to dart out ever chance they got. the boy began grumbling that he hated the class and blah blah blah, miserable little malcontent. and the girl just kept ignoring me, until i snapped and screamed at them. reaaally wanted to cuss, but didn't. i don't expect the kids to respect me, i simply demand they obey me, dammit! the girl was by far the worst. i can deal with the boy's displeasure and her disrespect doesn't bother me much, but she's the sort of child who tries to suck-up to the teacher and in turn wants to be treated with deference above the other children. not only do i refuse to give her any advantage over the others, i think i may be extra snide to her, because she's such an undesirable type. i have lost her respect because i don't treat her with favor. little brat, teacher's pet, suck up. she even washed my whiteboard! wants extra priase for tasks like that, even though other students join in to help, it was her idea, she should get top billing. also argued with me on the first day of class about the merit of using calculators in higher mathematics. "but doesn't that mean you're not good at math?" "no." "but isn't it cheating?" "no." "but that means you don't know how to do it." "no, it's a tool used when you have reached more advanced mathematics to help with simple arithmetic and more difficult operations in order to speed up problem solving where the actual problem is not simply plugging in the numbers, but figuring out how to solve the problem." "i'm going to ask my cousin if he ever used a calculator in school, and if he didn't, you're in trouble." "he did, trust me." by the end of the day, i was soo glad to be through. went home, like i said, changed. watched a bit of tv, called sadaf, went to her place, called people up to go out to dinner. we caught dinner, thai food, downtown, where i discovered a brand new used book store and fell in love. (love me my books.) chatted with the shopkeeper for a bit, bought a book of ambrose bierce's ghost stories. (love him.) went to starbucks with sadaf, discovered where all the youth hang out. we laughed at the uncultured high school students and townies (we are bad people), then went to clarence's place to watch sabrina, which i slipped into my purse, in the hopes that we might find time to watch. if you were to look into my purse tonight i would seem a very awesome person. sabrina, bourne identity, ghost stories of ambrose bierce, ducky hobo gloves, green eyeshadow, lychee candies, and finally some cash. it was a good night. had fun. chatted with morgan for a bit just now. i talked to him maybe three times at the end of school/beginning of summer, then i never saw him online and pretty much forgot about him. saw him the last few days on and was figured he had cut ties due to lack of apparent chemistry and practicality of geographic distribution, but he imed me and we made small talk about our summers. ugh, have work tomorrow at the cookware store, unpleasant. g'night!

July 20, 2004

dreary dramatics

television update: woman dressed as oprah hitting a midget with a large stick. i have no lesson plan for my classes tomorrow. i think i may very well be forced to completely bs tomorrow's lesson plan, which is worse than i've yet had to do, but i'm seriously burned out on this whole teaching thing. i think i just need to get out of the house and away from my mother. now if i'm not with the kids, i'm with her, and this does not make for happy carla. i know, i know, i spent the weekend in la, away from all responsibility, but i want more, mooooore, waah! i'm feeling mildly anxious at night now, i can't comprehend why. there is drama in gilmore girl land, and the princess diary girl must get married or lose her little fictional country, and the madeover man on queer eye is terribly uptight. i need to make fun, i have too few friends up here, i want to be in la now. ah, well. rather want kisses and love. not going to happen. neck and back are sore from twisted sleep. last night was also remarkable for the chill in my feet. wore no socks, so i tucked my toes in beside my mattress for warmth. didn't work well enough. miserable shit of a time.

July 19, 2004

three more days

ever since the parents' live-alone health kick, there have been no good snack foods in the house. i am forcibly left with a bag of stale peanut cookies from back when i was living here a year ago, a single rice cake, and varied fruit/nut mixes. i grabbed a bag of gorp and am now munching peanuts, raisins, and (joy) chocolate chips in front of pokemon. when i first turned on the tv, it was sharon osborne declaring that she owns a gay chihuahua. i think this is an improvement. lucky me, the chocolate is melting on my hands; it's hot. not as hot as la was when i was down there, but pretty warm. i'm severely tempted to peel off my ugly green shirt and just lounge around topless. but dad's home. not really going to happen. i had a lovely time during my trip to la. the apartment is amazing and now i'm all anticipation and the compulsion to spend money on furnishings. i got pleasantly drunk when down there - the surprise party/visit went terribly well, i couldn't be happier. and blaize brought his cute friend to the party; i've been desperate to meet new people for ages. very cool-seeming person, i just have to be thankful that i had the opportunity to develop my jolly drunken conversational skills, because i'm never seeing him again. (friend of a friend who's going out of the country soon. no hope there.) intense pity i had to leave la so soon, but duty and the children called. the first two classes were rotten, i showed up bitchy and the children were not fun. the third class went quite a bit better, i think i like them best. hmmm, close game though, you know how i love all children ever. today one of my students asked, "do you think it would be good...would you like it if...if ohlone for kids could be extended for longer?" "i think about it every second of every day (in unending horror and shock)." my new mantra is three more days, three more days, three more days.

July 14, 2004

a bit more on bondage and a short list of people i look like

"i love the 90's," the new vh1 series glorifying a decade much too little removed from now to be properly nostalgic about, had a short segment glorifying the snap-on bracelet. i used to love those. still rather like them, actually. the were touted as "pre-bondage for pre-pubescents" and s&m training. well, yeah there is some point to that, actually. damn those things are neat.

i got a few new bras yesterday, costco has good prices. they're big girl bras, too. i feel like i'm constantly insinuating things with my breasts. i kept getting paranoid when with the kids, every time i had to bed over that they could see down the shirt, but i was buttoned too far up for that, though not all the way up. they must have been staring at my necklace, it is pointy and green. these kids are 10, so i admit i am a bit paranoid. apart from that, class today was pretty chill. i gave them packs of cards, explained the rules, and let the go. aaaaaah...if only i had another slacker lesson plan for tomorrow, but i don't. it would be a great way to wind down the week, though, don't you think? of course, now that i'm back home, i have to balance out underwire time with braless time, just to maintain perspective.

dazed and confused is on tv now. someone once said that i look like the girl in it. (Sasha Jenson) one of the kids told me the other day that i look like that girl from the princess diaries (Anne Hathaway) because i look like her and i sit on desks. yeah. i hear i look like nora jones with my hair down, and just about everyone has a friend i resemble. i'm generic, yay!

July 13, 2004

i saw a fox today!

made a hike today with matty and sadaf around the reservoir, i honestly don't remember which. i totally dug the trees and moss and sun and bubbling brook and all the outdoorsey joy. we tried to skip rocks in the water. some assholes off in the distance were shooting in a...range? the noises rather annoyed me and put a cramp in my groove. but i saw a fox! it was my secret fox, as sadaf and matt missed catching a glimpse of his retreating back. not that i didn't announce many many times loudly and enthusiastically "i saw a fox!" most of yesterday after my manic exhaustive post i napped. all afternoon, actually. i sent matty to run an errand for me, which i feel a bit bad about, i'm so horrid and demanding, but until i'm actually told to go fuck myself, i will keep taking advantage of my friends. in my defense, though, i was terribly tired and also terribly appreciative. he then stuck around while i did my chores at donna's: water plants, feed kitty, etc. the kitty loved him and chose to lie purring in his lap rather than mine - a higher recommendation from the little one than i could ever give (short of falling asleep in his lap). i should really be sleeping now, to be honest, but british queer eye is on and i'm too in love with the accents and the flamboyancy to shut it off. i still need to feed the kitty tonight. going to end up going to bed rather too late tonight, and in my bizarre state of health, that might be a danger. don't want to catch a cold for my lovely free weekend. today during class i was shaky and weak for bits. i was going around, helping the kids with the project, surrounded by the little monsters, mobbed. i could feel the child germs seeping into me through my skin, in every breath i took. i know, a bit paranoid, but you can never be too careful when facing the scourge that is cooties.

July 12, 2004

tied up in myself

yeah, vaguely sick feeling definitely there. there like a big ol' boulder or some sort of obelisk. a vague obelisk. ....yeah, i've never been good at metaphor. sorry. today with the children went pretty well. some time during my second period i felt a bit sick and woozy and had to sit down, but generally i didn't suck. huzzah! i was reading belle as usual (see sidebar links) and followed a link to the twisted monk dot com. rope sellers, extraordinaire. rope for sex, in case you haven't divined that already. and i have to admit, i do find that a bit hot. readily admit i have a couple of kinks, if it comes down to that (though rope is not a big one for me). some of the pictures on the site were really beautiful. to give you a taste: naked girls wearing rope. oh, don't feign shock, i'm sure no one is really surprised at my reaction. enough people have said, to my extreme growly annoyance, "you'll be really fun for some guy someday." yeah, i know what that means, and i resent that sort of statement very much. and not for the fact that they assume i'm hetero, i am, that's not the annoying part. it's so condescending. like, "some day when you grow up, you'll make some boy very happy." (which i think is actually the more common phrasing.) oh joy. i just live for that day. fuck you. who's gonna make me happy. oh, god. i know i'm making no sense, i'm sorry. i don't feel well. i think maybe i'll go drink some orange juice and go pet a cat now. bye.

July 11, 2004

liquor 'n learnin' go hand in hand

i just scheduled my classes for next quarter. 3 days i start at 1, 2 at 10 and i'm taking 19 units. the registrar gods smiled down on me this time, i think. though i am afraid that the classes i'm taking are going to kill me dead. life science (2), writing (for my still undeclared lit minor), calc and analytic geometry (nooooo! i die. i did all this before, but it has seeped out of my brain...imagine a slime mold running out my ear with all its might. it will be hard. i will get a bad grade.), and finally, intro to ecology and behavior (an upper-div! i'm taking an upper-div!) big ol' chunk of the sciences, i'm hoping the writing class will keep me sane, though most likely i'll simply find that my essays are all due right before important science midterms that i haven't studied for. hopefully, being in the apartments will somehow help...i'm not sure how yet, though. speaking of school, i'm totally dreading tomorrow's educational acrobatics. i'm going to have to wake up much too early to be dealing with children. 6:30 so i can make photocopies, feed a cat, and show up early to placate my mum. i'm so glad i'm taking next weekend off, i don't think i could stand more obsessive-compulsive scheduling at the cookware store. i make money with an ocd drive, now. i have actually caught myself thinking on afternoons after coming home from the teaching gig, "i should be working now. i have too much free time, just sitting around. i could pick up a few hours at the costume store..." so i'm taking next weekend off completely, maybe drive the crazy thoughts out of my head. if i do not, i think my parents might find me saturday night, quietly passed out in the kitchen in front of the fridge, bottle of southern comfort in hand. hell, with my schedule next quarter, my roommates might discover the same. well, i need to go to bed now, definitely. must wake up bright 'n early 'n all that. i think i might put a stop to the silly fantasies about adding hours to my schedule by taking an afternoon nap tomorrow. yeah, that'd be nice.

July 10, 2004

seriously, it all boils down to money

i now have a darth vadar speakerphone from the 70's sitting menacingly in my room in all its 20-inch-tall glory. i haven't plugged it in yet, but i'm assured it will work. i'm a bit reluctant about the whole speakerphone thing, but it was $10 at a garage sale and it was just too awesome to pass up. it turns out my old director (from one of the bad summer plays in was in years ago) lives just down the block from me. i showed up looking to buy a framed disney print and ended up making small talk for over an hour. she and her husband are terribly interesting people. it's a pity i discover this soon before they are about to move, but ah well, such is my life. i ran into my old spanish teacher on the streets of los altos the other day outside my work. my, but she is heavily pregnant. due in two weeks. i congratulated her a bit ambivalently. i guess i just can't get enthusiastic about children. i think it's because i work with them, though i can't say i was ever really fond of kids - if anything, i'm more fond of them now than i ever was in the past. horrible thought. i decided today that i have the same reaction to children that i do to dogs (i'm not a dog person) - i will go, "aw how cute," and pet the dog a bit, but quickly lose interest and be done with all that. upon seeing a child i will go, "aw how cute," and make faces at the child or try and talk to it a bit, but interest soon wanes and i just give up. not the best attitude for a teacher, now, is it? i have developed a twitch in my left eye that i attribute to the children. in my more honest moments, i admit that it probably has nothing to do with the little monsters, as it acts up even when they are not around, but it is simply more amusing to say it is their fault. i think perhaps it has sprung from my being overworked. while i have afternoons off during the week, mornings are simply no fun, and i haven't had a proper day off in weeks. my days off are spent working in the cookware store, so that i am constantly somewhere having to be polite to someone. i need a massage, i need a party, i need a day at the aquarium. something, certainly. it doesn't help my outlook any that my period has begun, i'm sure. if i have cramps tomorrow at work, all hell is going to break lose up in that store. i need to receive a paycheck soon from someone. if i don't get paid by someone soon, i think i might go into a disaffected rage. (if you could see me right now, you would realize that i'm really just too tired and docile to do much of anything at all.) i'm going to bed now, but this really has got to stop, when i realize that i am completely doomed, because after tomorrow at cookware store, i'm going back to teaching *shudder*, no more relaxed or entertained than before. you know there's trouble. anyone feel like placing bets on whether i make up a lesson plan for my 3 new classes of 20 students on monday? here's a hint: fat chance! i'm going to really miss my 2 hour break between classes. goodbye mid-morning sidewalk nap. goodbye leisurely lunch. goodbye reading time. helllooooo $36 more dollars a day.

July 08, 2004

the pretty

somehow upon first viewing i didn't realize that this movie was as dirty my first viewing. really, there's this one block of it that is all graphic (but sweet) sex. was i just not paying attention or was i watching a different, more docile, version? (i have unrated.) wait...yeah, i think this one is much dirtier. heh. still a good movie. every time i'm at my comp with the headphones on, i find myself chewing on their cord. i'm pmsing right now - i can always tell. there are simple signs that tell me it is so. for one, i always get extra horny around this time - the mating instinct. my patience with everyone gets much shorter. much, much shorter. i can't stand to be around people, my parents especially. i get a bit bitchy, readily admitted. oof, i hate this part of the movie. the little girl is killed by a dog. horrid. i need desperately to shower. haven't in days. and i have fancy dinner in a bit. with matt. who dad thinks i'm dating. i'm not. deary. well, i have to get all prettified and rarified and sexy. i'll finish my post in a bit...

-later-

ugh. i'm exhaust-o. i showered finally, i love my little pink sponge puff, such a dear little device. i got out all scrubbed and smooth, shaved legs and all, and put on the skintight fancy dress. certain outfits call for certain amounts of cosmetic effort. i moisturized, put on bits of concealer, put my hair up, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lip color, the whole big effort. but not so much effort as all that. i put my hair up in the big brown claw i always use, the makeup was simple. i didn't have shoes that went, so i wore my lime green sandals and felt rebellious against the pretty. grrrr. some time during my shower i remembered that i had to work tomorrow. no monterey for me. possibly hiking, but likely not. dinner was good but expensive. in yuppietown. told stories over salad and nervously ate my bread; places like that always make me a bit antsy. i had to call a parent the other day at work. i hate being the law. such a narc, ugh! i had creme brulee and delighted in shattering the sugar coat. matt pulled out a wallet with che guevara's face on it and i laughed wildly. buahaha. paying for fancy meal in yuppietown and the image of a communist revolutionary. so i've come back and i'm finishing my movie. i'll go feed kitty in a minute.

July 06, 2004

burried sress

a couple of nights ago i had a dream and woke up crying. i tried to hush myself by laughing, but i wasn't making any noise and it wasn't doing me any good. i still freak out a little thinking about it. i know what my motivation for the dream was, and now i'm left even more freaked out. i hadn't realized i was that panicked, in fact i hadn't thought about the issue for a while, but evidently it was there, under the surface. and now my fears about, oh the silliest thing, are all coming out. and dancing. i never really worried about grades before, but i can see dreams of med school drifting away. the thing is, i'm not even sure i want med school anymore; i'm getting more and more interested in writing. i know i've written about all this before, but i don't typically wake up in tears, so forgive me if i'm prattling on. wait, no. that's the end of the prattling. i'm going to bed. and tomorrow i will teach the little monsters more math (and blackjack). yeah, good times.

July 05, 2004

suspicion and suffocation

went up to skyline with matt for fireworks watchin' tonight. the fireworks really were unimpressive, but skyline is so beautiful at night. the sky was so full of stars, more than home or la and the lights of the valley below really dwarfed anything the 4th could call upon. just kept thinking "i really need to get up here again with someone i am really attracted to." of course, they'll most likely have a girlfriend (or an obsessive hang-up on their ex), considering my track record, so i'll end up sitting in the dark, pining. ah, well, it's a beautiful vista. i feel like going up there and mocking everyone, i feel sick style. i'm such a sheep, but god damn, it is pretty. i have a horrible suspicion my dad thinks i'm dating matt. oh dear, wrong, wrong man. i don't really know how to set him right. i do hang out with matt a lot, yes, and i am going out on a fancy dinner with him thurs (sounds like a date, don't it?), but really, no dating. just friend. so it seems right now, i'm missing a party, which is mildly disappointing, but i'm not really well acquainted with the host and my parents were expecting me back too soon for me to go. i'm trying to convince matt to throw one, he has the house to himself all summer, lucky boy. i cannot be alone here at all. since mother can't drive herself, whenever i am here, she is here. and dad's work has rather truncated hours, so again, he's around, hovering. i've mentioned this before, i'm sure. just the vague suffocating presence. ugh. oh well, i might just take more frequent trips to skyline, get into the big beautiful world. sky, trees, sun, fresh air. probably just what i need. still hoping to get out for a hike at some time. with matt. isn't dad going to surprised.

July 03, 2004

if this fails, i could always grow a hump and go live in a belltower

so my dears, i have come to several small conclusions that i have already always known (insert melodramatic pause).

alright, i believe this needs to be prefaced with more than just that previous sentence to prove to you i'm not just being stupid and insane and obsessive.

i have trouble meeting people (boy people especially). it takes me a long while to get to like someone. i can't actually go out on dates because i get hyper self-aware and weird due to the contrived social situation. while i do occasionally develop crushes, they are mostly on unavailable men. though i'm often horny, feeling actual sexual attraction is rare.

so many planets would have to align for me to actually get a boyfriend that i think, short of divine intervention, that is an impossibility. impossibility, i say! (there, ha.) once said to blaize that i don't think i'm cut out for dating and he gave me this horrified look, as if i had said "i don't think i'm cut out to go out in public," or something equally ridiculous and antisocial. but really, it's just dating. it's not like i've said "i'm not cut out for sex." don't know how i'm going to get any, i'm going to need to get over issues of guilt (complicated psyche), and i'd like to find a guy i like well enough to make it worth it, but i still want. ah well, i half trust that someday i'll get desperate enough and lower my standards to the ground.

[i flip between channels. on nine, classic spanish guitar, on ten, man playing rock on a seafoam-colored ax.] [anyone notice how spock's disguises make him even more conspicuous than the pointy ears and eyebrows would have done.]