June 13, 2004

verbal diahrrea - got a napkin?

to say i handled myself poorly would be an understatement. closer to the truth would be to say i deserve to be locked in a closet until i can develop proper restraint as per the shit that comes out of my mouth. i saw jeff at lunch today, kat and my table was a few over from his. sitting there, gulfing down my french toast, i was brooding. through my head was a series of thoughts, "i'm not going to go say hi," "has he seen me? is he going to try and act friendly and say hello?" "he's seen me, but he's not going to bother, he's with his girlfriend," "i should go over and say 'call sadaf,'" "should i tell him about what happened to her friend?" "should i be mildly friendly?" etc. etc. by the time he came over to our table to say hi, i was resolved to tell him about sadaf, but unresolved on how to act. he sat down, friendly and oblivious, and asked, "how are you?" like any sane person. i burst out with a rapid, "we're fine you need to call sadaf." oh dear, bad start, but it went downhill from there. i explained that her friend had been missing for a while and was dead and that he was the only one of sadaf's friends who had known her, managing to make him feel horribly guilty all the while, i'm sure. kat was sitting there feeling horribly awkward; i really should have warned her. he sat there a while, psyche deflated, drowning in silence, before perking up a bit to make much less lively attempts at small talk with kat. i was in too much a whirlwind to really join in - feeling angry and unseated and a bit guilty, myself, for springing that on him in such an indelicate manner, and tearing apart my quesadillas with a manic attention. his girlfriend came by, greetings went around, and he sat for a bit longer before going back and joining her at their table. i feel a right bitch for all of that; i really did do that terribly. seriously, i could only be more socially ham-handed if i had coprolalia. i just couldn't help my anger with him from boiling over (in a horribly awkward way). the rest of the meal passed between me and kat with impatience and an intense desire to leave. i don't really look for all this drama, i just behave in a dramatic way. i really do need some forbearance.

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