June 08, 2004

pratfall from grace

so here's a little story for you, my faithful readers. and by "faithful readers" i'm referring to the 5 of you who read this because i pester you about it. i've been thinking about switching from a bio major, with a 2.9 gpa, to an english major, with lovely lovely books. i can remain pre-med and hopefully my gpa will improve once i begin doing something i am good at. we shall have to see. i've mentioned all this in one form or another in every post for the past week or so. i am terribly frightened of this and have gotten into the familiar drag-my-ass laziness associated with all such endeavors. (it's a wonder i actually got around to filling out college apps at all.) i am also taking a chem class that has me on my knees. my first midterm went well - got an 80. the second, abysmally. got a 25. what does this mean? i can either take the final and fail the class properly and retake it later, or i can drop the class, get that notation on my transcript and feel a shameful quitter. i'm leaning towards the second. this prospect, too, has me terrified. ironically, kat's in a similar predicament right now, which at least means i don't have to do my own research. horribly, i know that the one person around who could be warm and compassionate and terribly fuzzy (but that's genetic) and say the things i need to hear with loads of empathy is jeff. who i am not speaking to.

kat's indispensable advice: well you should talk to him soon, if only for your own sake. no. won't. will handle on my own. will make big glorious statement about own strength and independence. will handle this myself just to spite him. kat: that's terrible. he won't even be spited because he doesn't know. i know. don't care. he can fuck himself. alright then, you go girl. terribly empty victory, no?

i have "given up" on him and refuse to contact him, as i abjectly refuse to be the only person in a friendship who makes any attempt to maintain said friendship, even while living 3 min apart and in this modern age of cellphones and instant messages. basically, if he's going to be a prat and never call or im or drop by even to say "hi how are you my you look lovely in that top," i'm going to be a bitch and not do the same. which is a horrible shame as he is the one who would be the biggest comfort right now. how dare he be the warm comforting compassionate friend when he's also enough a prat to make me cut all ties.

god i need a hug.


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