June 11, 2004

equivocation station

today has left me with nothing but questions, which i will halloo to the reverberate hills and make the babbling echo of the air cry out "what do i WANT???" (o, you should not rest between the elements of air and earth, but you should pity me!)

so i went to talk to hardinger today (prof whose class i'm failing) and it turns out that i'm not failing - i have a c-, which is the cutoff for failing. if i do superwell on the final, i can actually do pretty well in the class. shock and amazement!

also and more disturbingly, we talked about med school a bit. deary, deary me. evidently, and this i could have thought of myself, though i decided to ignore it instead, is the fact that if i do apply to med schools as an english major, that will be looked upon less favorably than if i had been a science major. oh fuck. and it makes sense, it'll look like i'm doing english just to keep my gpa up...which is not entirely untrue. for that reason and also my love of literature. but a struggling bio major is more endearing than an english major who just struggles in all her science courses. paradox: med schools look more favorably on students who take humanities courses because they look like they'd have better interpersonal skills.

so now i'm torn. into tiny confused pieces. like a sponge that has been passed through mesh, all the pieces are there, but until the cells crawl back into the correct shape, it's just lumps of jelly goo. horrible metaphor, i've never been any good at metaphor... anyways, now i don't know what to do. med school is still my dream, my lofty aspiration, but english would just be so candy. it would be wonderful. much less stress, so sweet, i'd get to read and write so pretty. *longing sigh* now i'm back to the unsure. do i want to double and break my back? do i switch to english and just step it up with the sciences? do i minor in english and feel slighted? do i just say screw it and stick with the bio and spend every night weeping? i really need some good advice.

on a tangent, i ran into jeff today, or rather, i saw him talking to some people as i was coming out of kerchoff. he smiled, giving no indication of wanting to talk, i waved and walked off. bastard. so that's that, then. this seems to be the year of losing good friends. kim (who i haven't spoken to since that one confusing night) and now jeff. mild irony: the one most stressful person in my life and the one most comforting (always excepting my dear old mum). but, i suppose without the stressful one, there's not so much use for the comforting one is there?

what i've been saying to rexy as per my date (and dating):
you going to have another date with that guy before you come home?
highly doubtful. i'm not too concerned, though
you think you'll ever see him again?
meh, who knows....he was very cute and all, but it's too much of a hassle and he wasn't really my type, i don't think.
you'll just have to pimp it up in nor cal for the summer.
yeah. pity i don't know any guys i really like up there.
well there's always the onion personals.
haha, i have rather low hopes for them, really.
well you met one guy right?
yeah. but really, low hopes. i don't believe i'm just not cut out for dating, and i'm starting to believe i'm not cut out for men. and women are just right out. maybe i'll buy electric inducements and hole myself up somewhere to watch sex and the city and eat ice cream by the pint.
I think you just have to find the right guy, but what I do know about socializing.
hahaha
glad you find my social short comings funny.
hehehe

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