June 02, 2004

ennui and me

i think i'm cooling on everything. my emotions are all now extremely transitory and muted. i want to be through with the year and go home, but i have no enthusiasm for being there, either. i want to go away somewhere for the first week i have back after school. i think i need that - a short time of drinking and friends and fun and new scenery before i settle into another routine. i'll be teaching children math. god, how did i get roped into that? it combines the two things i dislike and fear the most - math and children. it pays very well, though. that's why i'm doing it. it might even be fun, if i can discover a sane way to deal with the kids. i don't think i'm allowed to send fighting children into the parking lot to sort out their disagreements or undermine their parents' authority. i do need to get away. maybe i will organize a little trip somewhere, but where? i need ideas first.

well, i got a 25/100 on the chem midterm. that has to be, i think, the deepest depth of my academic pathos. it was accompanied by no cold rush of fear or shame under my skin, no surprise. no nothing. just mild sigh, i need to do better and soon. i'm thinking more and more favorably about lit. lit would be good. lit is easy. lit is my friend. lit is ease and a's.

i've been talking to morgan more online. he's great, but i'm cooling on the whole giddy i-found-a-nice-boy thing. i'm getting the impression that i'm much more...out there...than he is. also, i realize that i will not see him in the time i have left down here with the finals i need to cram for now more than ever.

in general, i'm just bored with everything, i think. i need some sort of fun. the em & lo horoscope was right on again this week when it said:
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You may think of yourself as a bit of a cunning linguist, but this week we advise you to woo without words. Perhaps tickets to a ball game, an afternoon of surfing, a sunset at a harbor restaurant, or an interpretive dance? In fact, the only words you should be using this week are those conveyed via sky-writing.

i do need some sort of action, adventure, absurdity. something that isn't all these words, words, words. too much of my life right now is spoken; i need to experience. and i need it now.


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