June 12, 2004

childish games

i'm struck right now by the strength of my anger at jeff. i was alright about it for so long. philosophic. ironic. acceptant. now, however, i am angry, and i'm never angry. not really, anyway. i may act angry or sound angry or think i'm angry, but the sentiment is rarely backed up by actual emotion. now, however, the emotion is there and i don't like that. I think what spurred it on was my recent conversation with sadaf. her childhood friend went missing a month and a half ago and was found last sunday dead in a wrecked car. sadaf, understandably, has been sent a bit adrift over this and immediately after we get back home will go to this friend's remembrance. jeff knew her friend, he met her in recent years, and while i have no recollection of this girl, he is probably the one of sadaf's friends who would. and he's not around. he's not there to offer condolences, commiseration; he goes along, completely oblivious to the fact that the girl went missing at all. and this makes sadaf sad. and me angry. he should be there like the rest of her friends, supportive, bereft of words, offering to go to the remembrance with her, making sure she's alright, all of that. but he has lost touch with her in the same way he lost touch with me. i saw him online for a bit tonight. looking at my buddy list, scanning the screennames, my eyes passed over his several times, and then he logged off. and i just grew so angry. he's not trying at all. as he appeared on my buddy list, i appeared on his. staring at his screenname sitting there, complacent in front of me, i contemplated putting up a snide away message directed at him, but i knew he wouldn't see it, and then he signed off. anger. self-righteous indignation. he's not going to know how truly irritated i am at him. and i now have no desire to share that with him. i feel childish and petty, but so be it.

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