June 30, 2004

here today, sleep tomorrow

lips are still sore. it occurred to me it might be a sunburn. glanced in the mirror today and saw they were really light, like i was wearing frosted lipgloss. turns out they were white with small flaking bits of skin. i'm wearing enough chapstick to make them a uniform texture, and the effect is almost pretty from a distance, but up close it's a bit scary. mental note: spf chapstick from now on. the canker sore is worse. i bought some medication for it today on the way home. it's numbing, but not enough for complete relief. i got a bit bored and used it to numb my entire mouth. then i sat pursing my lips and stretching them taught by turns. strange sensation.

i'm terribly tired. i napped today in the backseat of the car for an hour during my break between classes. very reminiscent of second quarter when i'd do the same on the leather window seats in the kerchoff gallery. woke up sweltery warm and with a crick in my neck. aaaah, memories. i was surprisingly refreshed. i'm getting a bit tired now, though, so i think i'll go to bed shortly.

class today was alright. talky girl in my second period behaved herself pretty well. i like my second class better than the first. i'm afraid that my fist period gets sort of shafted because i don't know what i'm doing going in. also they're not as advanced as the other class, mathematically, so i'm not so sure what to teach them. tomorrow, though, fractions and smoothies! yaaay!

jeff imed me today. for the first time since finals. seems a lot farther away than it really was. i was civil, which is an impressive feat for me, considering my raving bitchdom. but i was tired. and i promised sadaf i wouldn't hurt him with mean words. he asked what i was doing and i told him i was teaching. it's really amazing how little he knows about my life, i keep realizing. he used to know so much about me. ah well. such is life.

i bought kat's birthday present today, can't tell you what it is, but i think she'll dig it. i'm slowly climbing out of my pit of bad gifts. no more buying people asinine books of cartoons because i spent all their present money on green shoes. no more painting pictures just for people, only to give them poor kinkos prints because i've become too attached to the original. hell, i'm spending more on her than i normally ever do for gifts, so she damn better well like it. like i told her, after this, she had better put out. i also got sex and lucia for myself, hee. the credit card bill is going to be rather high this month. oh well.

i'm watching the blues brothers' mall rampage on television right now. quality cinema, that is. still, i like my spanish film better. i'm hungry now. dinner was somehow flavorless, i don't know why. more mouth issues, i guess. i did eat some honey afterward. very good stuff, came from one of dad's personal training clients - he keeps bees. it was delicious. it tasted really raw, sort of herby. not nearly as sterile as store-bought stuff.

alright. it's my bedtime. i'm spent. night y'all.

June 29, 2004

confused, raw, and tasteless

another day of molding young minds and i'm exhausted. okay, so i'm not getting enough sleep, and fiiine, i tend to confuse the kids. but i would like to believe i do good. today we did origami. and basic geometry. but first, i confused the shit out of my first class with my words and strange mannerisms. i'm good 'n spazzy. i am queen. so it turns out i'm not teaching the shiny youngsters i originally assumed them to be. my first class has a small group of rowdy boys. i got hit by a paper airplane today. of course, being me, i just laughed. my second class is a bit more dangerous, i believe. there are some rather sweet little asain girls in it with a horrible tendency to pay no attention to me, talk, giggle, and beg an explanation of what is going on with wide little girl eyes and sly grins. i'm afraid i may have to become evil and clothesline the ringleader to maintain order. i don't want to have to do that, i think it might severely hamper the happy-go-lucky vibe of the class. that, and i may be full of drama, but i'm pretty non-confrontational. i prefer avoiding conflict, or inserting a pointed word randomly into conversation (jeff), but i may just have to discipline this child. also, there's a second little girl, tiny and me-ish. hates the gabby distracting one and makes little snide comments. they bicker and it's a bit difficult to not take sides.

for the last few days, my lips are felt rather raw. i'm not sure why, though, they're not chapped, i have no good explanation for this. if i were to consult some herbalist or mystic, i'm pretty sure i'd get some response about fear of intimacy or the like. i also have a canker sore beneath my lower lip near the gumline. needless to say, my mouth is pretty raw. combined, those signs have got to mean something.

my parents have gone on a frugal/healthy kick and now there's only 1% milk in the house. and i swear i could not taste the cheddar i put on my spaghetti a couple of nights ago. i don't know if that was a low-fat issue, or a cheap cheese issue, or finally a strange and random fluke. at any rate, i may have to start buying my own dairy products. and i want something sweet. no sweets in the house. waaah.

and good news! ib's taken the other spot in the apartment, so now we have 2 subletters and i don't have to pay. huzzah. that means all the money i make goes to pay for my joy. eating out, watching movies, cable tv, nice luxuries like that. i can buy a bed! and yummy scratchy area rugs (i love texture under my feet). i began a massive painting last year and if i finish it prettily it's goin' up in the 'partment. can't wait yay. it's getting so stifling here, too. they don't complain so much when i go out, but it's all lectures about sleep and nutrition. and there's always a parent home, that aura of observation. ah, well. good times.

joy on me

those who can't, teach...

i believe i will be spending my next 4 weeks in panic, thank you god. i have no idea why i took this job. it was the stupidest thing i could have done. i could be working at the cookware store where life makes sense and the most difficult task i have is to put up with ingrid and lewis' bickering. but no, i'm teaching 4th graders. you see, as an only child who never baby-sat or spent a normal childhood, i have no concept of what a 4th grader really is. i think the closest i could get was picturing myself in 6th grade, though i couldn't pinpoint what age i was at, exactly. i was rather jaded by then, i've always been rather cynical, and i just figured these kids would be the same bored youths, forced by their parents to take summer math classes they never wanted. turns out 4th graders, 10-year-olds, are wide-eyed, shiny-faced youngsters who have not yet been crushed by the weight of the world. these kids came into the class expecting to do math, and by god, math was what they would do. they had clearly in mind what they wanted to learn and how they wanted to learn it. i talk, they listen. oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! i'm in way over my head. they expect me to have control over this mess! i can hardly plan a shuttle to take me to the airport, how am i supposed to structure a 2-week curriculum?? i avoid planning like i avoid emotional entanglements. i am so bloody screwed!

my first class was terrifying. it turns out i had about 20 min of planned activities and the rest of the time i was left to fend for myself. good start... i babbled about adding, subtracting, and multiplying decimals for a while, confusing and frustrating the entire class. small victory: i was actually able to fill the hour and a half i had those poor children at my mercy with teaching, no matter how inept. the second class began and my spirit was crushed. i couldn't even do what i had done with the last class as it turned out they already knew what we had gone over in my first period. after a few moments of panic, my boss suddenly came in, talked animatedly about a watermelon eating contest, and in her few moments of animated speech, managed to rouse the entire class out of their post-lunch comas. i was shamed and distraught. but then i was struck with what i can only describe as divine inspiration. i started making up "real-world" math problems involving elaborate shopping trips and the like to amuse the class, and my manic energy finally captured their interest, until, by the end of class, i had them all participating in happy joyous math fun. or so i would like to believe. don't spoil this for me, please. so tomorrow i enter the classroom with another half-assed lesson plan, my only comfort the fact that i know the material better than any of my students (really, a very miniscule victory at best). i'm just hoping that whatever universal forces possessed me to take the job in the first place will continue to help me out and make this not so much a horrible horrible pain. also, i would like to get some sleep. class begins at 8:30, you know, kids, and teacher can't be late. unnngh!

June 24, 2004

this is honestly what i think about...

part 2 of breast theory:

if underwire bras engender feminine wiles, then what does bralessness cause? spent some time today at a friend's house in exactly that state (took off the bra for comfort and forgot to put it on before i went out) and here are my meditations.

we live in a society that hates and fears the nipple. bras are padded so that the odd protrusion does not appear on a brisk morning. if a nipple does happen to venture out of doors, chaos might ensue. to avoid this potential mess, special areas are designated "nipple ranges," where nipples may roam free. these topless beaches, locker rooms, and nudist colonies are walled, fenced off, and hedged to prevent inadvertent exposure. a nipple was accidentally exposed during this past super bowl and all hell broke loose, causing the levying of stricter strictures on broadcast media. people pay extra money to be able to see nipples on television. now, with such a prejudice against nipples, one can become quite paranoid when there is nothing between nips and the outside world but the thin fabric of a worn t-shirt. another important consideration is the movement of the fabric. bras move with you, but t-shirts are loose and rubby. that's physical stimulus, that is. in addition, there is the bounce factor. (more a problem for larger-breasted women, not i.)

but there are benefits, as well. t-shirt fabric is soft and flowing. there is no pinching, binding, or jabbing from underwire and straps. it's quite freeing.

so between the two, we women are torn. paranoia or empowerment. physical comfort or psychological comfort. it leaves one a bit confused. why were all those militant feminists so misguided? (marine bicycles, anyone?) i assert it was due to mildly unsettling influences of unfettered breasts. now, i do not insist that boobs should be restrained, in fact, i am a strong proponent of hanging free, no, i believe the fault lies with society's vilification of the nipple. forgive me, but i find nothing terribly unsettling about those little nubbins, nothing frightening, nothing subversive. they were our first source of sustenance, what is so wrong about that? i also find nothing terribly erotic about them, but, hey, that's not really my area of expertise, anyway.

so what effect does bralessness have on a woman. i maintain that it creates a feeling of fun and freedom. there is something subversive about going braless (due to society's reaction to the breast, rather than the objects, themselves). it is slightly naughty to let the gals roam free, and it is much more comfortable. so while underwire creates feminine wiles, scheming, cattiness, and vamp, bralessness causes a more natural sensuality, untainted by the artificiality of straps and wire and cup size. at the same time, there is an element of paranoia and fear in that state. so before i begin a feminist diatribe against public opinion, i'll just end by saying that while bralessness is in its way freeing, it does come along with its own dangers and pitfalls. the end.

one great mind that should never be quoted...

things i said today:

you never write in your blog anymore, how will i ever know what goes on in your life?
answer: you might actually have to talk to me! gasp!

you're so dorothy (dorky, hee!)

i'll bring my computer tomorrow

(to my father (of non-period feminine pads)) well, they're for random vaginal discharges

(and) uuh, well it's reported that scientists have found a gland in women that is like the male prostate...

(as well as, (oh god)) ...it's thought o maybe be the elusive "g-spot"...b-b-because it..has a lot of nerve...endings...uh...nerves...uh. (shoot me)

sure, i'll work saturday!

you forgot me, but you remember my i-pod??

it's like the rate-determining step (chem allusion in real life situations, ungh)

you're so my girlfriend

i want to work here because you pay me better

hey, well, now (that i'm teaching) i'll actually have a reason (to hate children)!

June 23, 2004

good summer, strange feelings

yesterday i drove mum around all morning, did my laundry, and lounged about. matt invited me to a fancy dinner for an unspecified time...of course i thought it was that night so i didn't eat mum's good cookin' and got really confused. i dined much later on leftover california rolls and special k (redberries). no, i don't feel vaguely stupid. started work today, back at the cookware store. the costume store has been calling and i work there on sat. that'll be slightly odd, going back. seeing adana will be cool (though ultimately tedious), diane will whine about her irritable bowls (really!) or something, and i will be stared at uncomfortably by karsten (someone else unappealing who thinks i'm a rather special gal). he asked me to dinner "in honor of my leaving" last summer and i couldn't say no. and asked me out again over winter break, though in that case, i told him i didn't know my schedule and would get back to him and never did. he once said to me: once i went to college, i would be completely out of his league. (p.s. he's 27, i've known him for like 3 years, there is no league, only vague discomfort.) yeesh. i insist he's not creepy, just going through a late-twenties crisis "i'm not becoming anything, i'm not going anywhere." no career, no life, no wife. don't want to go back to work at the costume store, but i have no spine, so i am going to old work, and to be honest, when i agreed to go, it was perfectly natural and easy. so "once more into the breech dear friends," or something along those line, i'm watching good will hunting right now, not henry the fifth (class-ay). some time tonight, i believe kat and i are going to rent and watch sex and the city (sex in the city?) and eat ice cream and giggle girlishly and talk about shoes, teee-hee! but, that's eventually...now, i wait and watch tv with my dad.

June 22, 2004

fun 'n whinging

love interest: "i thought you were dead"
hasslehoff: "i was - but now i'm better"

the glorious lines in a david hasselhoff, i'm a cocky bad-ass spaceman with an eyepatch, leather jacket, and an axe to grind (who reaaaly can't act), movie. to be honest, though, i often think the same punchline, myself, in random occasions when it comes up. (the blame lies with monty python, bless it's soul.)

defeated villainess "i will see you in hell for this"
hasselhoff: "we'll do lunch"

i have had the urge to post every day for the past three days. i went around saturday in a flowy gray prom skirt and superman shirt (no bra) and felt awesome and alternative. went for coffee with sadaf and her cousin and delighted to hear sadaf sternly advise her young relation against drinking, "you don't need to have fun!" (she still maintains that she said "you don't need to, to have fun," but i prefer my version.) sunday, kat and i watched city of lost children, which i rather loved.

hasselhoff (to his bad-ass love): "what i'm tryin' to say is, maybe i lost more than my job when i parted with s.h.e.i.l.d., and maybe it took a dose of me dyin' to figure that out."

i took my gimpy mom out today on errands. in the process, we stopped at a small shop run by a brazilian woman my mum knows. i got a nice bra (big girl underthings) and a sexy orange crepe top. wore the sexy little tank today to see dodgeball with a whole group of my friends (yay, friends!). after, i went to matt's and watched the ends of eurotrip (i admit that harriet the spy has grown up pretty hot, but maintain that it's creepy to oogle a girl you've seen grown up) and se7en (i prefer scruffy brad).

john stewart (of clinton's claim he would have confessed his affair had there been no ken starr): "i'll say this one thing about clinton: his integrity is his highest when the situation is at its most hypothetical."

got a ride back where i found an im from jeff waitin' on my comp. while we were at the movie he left a message on sadaf's voicemail, too, to the tune of "sorry i missed your call, i was out of town, you, me, and carla can hang out some time this week (please), so just call." now, last time i was out with happy (sadaf) she used my phone to leave him a message offer that he hang out with us. for my part, i left the decision entirely up to her; i did not give a shit. still don't. still irritated at him, that you can probably see, and i understand the he probably misconstrued my involvement in the invite. so to come home to a "we will surely hang out later" im, i was mildly irritated. so for your pleasure, my 4:45 am conversation with jeff last week, our first non-accidental conversation in months, during my thursday all-nighter for my o-chem final:

jeff: so ... what are you doing up at this lovely hour?
me: (uuunghh) i am cramming for o-chem
jeff: aaah, i am sorry, then. i have a paper to finish, myself.
me: my head hurts, i'm mildly dizzy, i just pulled a large chunk of skin off my thumb and i am finding chem to be increasingly funny. these may or may not be signs of insanity. (bitch. bitch. bitch.)
jeff: well, if it's funny, you know it's not done-y
jeff: whoo
me: never say that to me again. (unggh pun evil, i sleepy)
jeff: yes, maybe not
me: seriously.
jeff: oh, now you can be serious?
jeff: hmmm
jeff: oh, and by the way, your font looks like my ass
jeff: not very pretty
jeff: and hairy
jeff: but enough about my gorgeous figure ... are you leaving tomorrow night, then?
me: (what the fuck?) uuuh...thanks.
me: late afternoon i think.
jeff: mm, fun
jeff: 8 am final, then?
jeff: and ... do you plan to sleep?
me: god, yes.
me: and proabaly not
jeff: you should ...
jeff: insanity is not pleasant for the attempts at o-chem
jeff: but i'm not your mother
jeff: in fact, i like your mother (what?)
jeff: i would never try to replace her
me: (what the fuck, that's good, i like her too.) ...from your writing now i take it the paper is not going so well
jeff: hah
jeff: actually i'm almost done
jeff: but i am trying to alternately write and pack my room
jeff: i'm leaving at 10am
jeff: paper's due at noon
me: ah, at least you get to sleep some, then
jeff: umm, no
jeff: no sleep for me
me: pity. someone should get to sleep.
jeff: oh, yang2 is (his girlfriend)
jeff: she is sleeping muchly
me: well, good for her then (don't actually care)
jeff: anyway, we'll talk about her later (no)
jeff: we'll talk later (doubtful)
jeff: we'll later (dumbass)
jeff: LATER WEEEE! (yesh)
jeff: ok ... we should go to a concert when i find one that's worthwhile (no)
jeff: back home sometime
jeff: we'll do that (no)
jeff: ok ... bye carla ...
me: bye jeff
jeff: hope finals goin' well ... i'll see you back home, then
me: thanks, hope you get the paper done without too many odd leaps of logic
me: night

sadaf wants me to hang out with them if he calls some time next week. i just don't want to. i'm such a bitch; i have no desire to play friendly with someone who has disappointed me so greatly. i will, because i am being unreasonable. i will because sadaf wants me to. but i don't know how i am going to reconcile my desire to not be an asshole and my desire to not be fake (to be an asshole).

oh well, i'm not gonna worry about it so much. gonna continue to dress cutely and flounce about, heee. i should be in bed now, buuut...no. ah well. i'll just be sleepy tomorrow morning quite a bit.

June 19, 2004

octorok 'n roll

i had pledged not to blog until finals had ended. of course, since this pledge was not spoken aloud, nor did it invoke any deities or deceased relatives, last night i began a new post while cramming for chem. i scrapped the entry shortly after, as my survival instinct won out over my slacker instinct. for several hours after that, i sat entrenched in my room, papers strewn around me, muttering to myself about molecules and reactions. the longer i went, the less coherent i became. i started finding my studies to be more and more amusing and my mutterings became louder and more disjointed. a steady soundtrack of classic rock accompanied me on merry educational journey, and i started developing a pronounced tickle in my throat.

this little organic molecule is "carvone," which has to be the best molecule name i have ever heard. it makes him sound like an italian mobster...or maybe entrée. in my opinion he looks a bit like an octorok. (the dots are for placing.)
\_/ \\_
/ \_/
. . . \\
. . . . o

around 6:45, i had had enough, and had covered everything but the last 2 lessons in detail. of course, those lessons were the new material and the focus of the final, but by then i was too faded to care. i laid my head down for a mental break for about half an hour, took a scalding hot shower, and slammed back a frapuccino, and bolted out the door. i took my final, a real killer, and when i finished, staggered back to my room, arms folded and head down for support. the entire time, i had hendrix's spanish castle magic stuck in my head.

i got back to the room and started packing up my piles of clothing, throwing everything in giant plastic bags and duffels. never realized i had so much crap! my dad showed up and stalked around a bit as i packed up the rest of my room in a haze for the next few hours. a haze of exhaustion and pain, until finally i had everything packed up. i do have much too much stuff. in the bathroom, foot powder i have never used, two bonus cans of shaving creme, hair gunk that basically makes my hair gunky. the one time i used my blow-dryer it sucked my hair in and i got stuck. desk drawers i never opened or looked in to, full of things never used. i have an inhuman ability to accumulate papers about me like nesting rat. everything was piled into the car at my father's increasingly loud protestations.

we grabbed lunch, the while, father was talking about the cost of feeding the family, and our neighbors' habit of eating out every night. the depreciation of his car and proper nutrition. by then, i was exhausted near tears. i ran out with the excuse of wanting to say goodbye to friends. ran into jim, who was for once kind; a blessing because i was nearly hysterical by then. i ran back to my room and picked up the last of my things, said goodbye to chau, and met dad to take everything else to the car. no, wait! forgot my towels. oh! and my posters! ah, crap! my lawn gnome and orchid, too. a brief but unsteady wait to check out and i was free. and nearly out of my mind. at this point i let the desperation creep into my voice and got leave from my father to sleep the entire way home. thanks.

i slept in hour long jumps in the car, with a walk around a freeway rest stop after about 4 hours. i saw the best truckers ever! they were like the essence of truckers distilled down into a frothy caffeinated double-shot of truckin' goodness with just a hit of rock 'n roll and rum. they drove into the rest stop in their big rigs, big-bellied, graying beards, black t-shirt and tank top, dark sunglasses. got drinks and snacks from the vending machines and hung about, slinging back their juice and just lookin' awesome. they even raised their bottles in salute of another trucker, who i assume they knew, as he drove by. i nearly squealed with joy! i want a trucker of my very own!! so hard core, so rock and roll. toes to tits, baby, toes to tits.

for the rest of the ride, i watched a new hope, that's star wars, baby. this made me laugh:
luke: but i was going into toche(?) station to pick up some power converters!
uncle: you can play with your friends later.
me: ...my friends are people.

got back home, the rest is pretty uneventful. i really need to kick back now, though. so anyone got the hook up on any happenings? eh, eh?

June 16, 2004

Two days... six hours... forty-two minutes... twelve seconds. That... is when the world... will end

i spent most of this evening feeling psychically drained. as if someone had taken my soul and trod it flat. so i finished my pre-colombain review and went to an old standby - film therapy. i stole donnie darko out of kat's collection and watched it there, in her room, lying on my stomach with my headphones in. so now i bring to you carla's list of quality. one: if it makes me want to cry. two: if while watching it, my chest slowly heats up and i'm smiling. three: if i laugh till my anus threatens to distend. four: if i'm left afterwards, head cocked one side, and all i can say is, "huh" (or else simple wide-eyed amazement). donnie darko hit one (for the ending) and four. sex and lucia hit one and two, and a little bit of four. fight club hit four. batman got three. there are other types of quality, there's escapist quality, which labyrinth got, and crappy quality, which so many of my favorite movies have, but if you want to talk creme, i'm going to stick with my system of four. there is nothing like film to relieve boredom. there is nothing like film to assuage all hurts. i am left renewed, calmed. tomorrow i will wake up, shower and dress, hopefully eat, (i pray) review, and then go take my final. when i finish i will return to my room and most likely watch a movie, get dinner, and then i must burry myself in my chem texts. i will then have one day and two nights to become proficient in chemistry, that i may excel at the final. i hope very much that i am able to do this. i have anxiety. i just keep thinking how much i would like to get drunk and have a carefree time with my friends. unlikely to happen any time soon. as soon as i finish my second final, i will pack up everything i have here and get into the car to spend the next seven hours on the road home. once home, i will have little chance for days to go out for a good relaxation. i just keep thinking, uncharitably, "i just need a fuck." uncharitably, as there is none to be had. (no one to be had.) perhaps something will come up when i return home. i hope so, because, while i may be in a post-cinematic doldrums just now, i know come morning, and for the next few days to come, i will be a ball of severed nerves.

June 15, 2004

19th nervous breakdown

you know i'm losing it when i:

start mentioning to random people my penchant for sleeping in nothing but the panties when the roommate's gone.

suggest to lonely/frustrated friend that he go listen to NIN and masturbate. (speaking from experience, is she, you wonder.)

eat 2 meals in 1 day with blaize. (hunger and expedience transcend social anxiety...repeatedly.)

nap most of the afternoon and slack most of the night with finals looming.

say i reeeealy want a drink.

begin watching run, lola, run at 4:30 am.

(this breakdown brought to you by: finals week.)

June 13, 2004

verbal diahrrea - got a napkin?

to say i handled myself poorly would be an understatement. closer to the truth would be to say i deserve to be locked in a closet until i can develop proper restraint as per the shit that comes out of my mouth. i saw jeff at lunch today, kat and my table was a few over from his. sitting there, gulfing down my french toast, i was brooding. through my head was a series of thoughts, "i'm not going to go say hi," "has he seen me? is he going to try and act friendly and say hello?" "he's seen me, but he's not going to bother, he's with his girlfriend," "i should go over and say 'call sadaf,'" "should i tell him about what happened to her friend?" "should i be mildly friendly?" etc. etc. by the time he came over to our table to say hi, i was resolved to tell him about sadaf, but unresolved on how to act. he sat down, friendly and oblivious, and asked, "how are you?" like any sane person. i burst out with a rapid, "we're fine you need to call sadaf." oh dear, bad start, but it went downhill from there. i explained that her friend had been missing for a while and was dead and that he was the only one of sadaf's friends who had known her, managing to make him feel horribly guilty all the while, i'm sure. kat was sitting there feeling horribly awkward; i really should have warned her. he sat there a while, psyche deflated, drowning in silence, before perking up a bit to make much less lively attempts at small talk with kat. i was in too much a whirlwind to really join in - feeling angry and unseated and a bit guilty, myself, for springing that on him in such an indelicate manner, and tearing apart my quesadillas with a manic attention. his girlfriend came by, greetings went around, and he sat for a bit longer before going back and joining her at their table. i feel a right bitch for all of that; i really did do that terribly. seriously, i could only be more socially ham-handed if i had coprolalia. i just couldn't help my anger with him from boiling over (in a horribly awkward way). the rest of the meal passed between me and kat with impatience and an intense desire to leave. i don't really look for all this drama, i just behave in a dramatic way. i really do need some forbearance.

June 12, 2004

childish games

i'm struck right now by the strength of my anger at jeff. i was alright about it for so long. philosophic. ironic. acceptant. now, however, i am angry, and i'm never angry. not really, anyway. i may act angry or sound angry or think i'm angry, but the sentiment is rarely backed up by actual emotion. now, however, the emotion is there and i don't like that. I think what spurred it on was my recent conversation with sadaf. her childhood friend went missing a month and a half ago and was found last sunday dead in a wrecked car. sadaf, understandably, has been sent a bit adrift over this and immediately after we get back home will go to this friend's remembrance. jeff knew her friend, he met her in recent years, and while i have no recollection of this girl, he is probably the one of sadaf's friends who would. and he's not around. he's not there to offer condolences, commiseration; he goes along, completely oblivious to the fact that the girl went missing at all. and this makes sadaf sad. and me angry. he should be there like the rest of her friends, supportive, bereft of words, offering to go to the remembrance with her, making sure she's alright, all of that. but he has lost touch with her in the same way he lost touch with me. i saw him online for a bit tonight. looking at my buddy list, scanning the screennames, my eyes passed over his several times, and then he logged off. and i just grew so angry. he's not trying at all. as he appeared on my buddy list, i appeared on his. staring at his screenname sitting there, complacent in front of me, i contemplated putting up a snide away message directed at him, but i knew he wouldn't see it, and then he signed off. anger. self-righteous indignation. he's not going to know how truly irritated i am at him. and i now have no desire to share that with him. i feel childish and petty, but so be it.

this is why i've lost faith in the male sex...

i love how, due to the unusual hours i keep, i can blog twice in a "day" yet have it appear as two days' posts. the boring art history asian sk8r twit imed me again tonight and i feel it is about time to update you all on the types of conversations we keep. i can see you all are titillated from here.

sk8r: you want to know what boggles my mind.
me: ummm, how indiana jones can fall out of planes in life rafts and fight nazis, and swing tarzan-style off of ships that are about to explode, but the only way he can get a woman is to antagonize her into bed?
sk8r: nope
damn, that's boggling my mind
8: we have quite different minds. would you like to know whats boggling mine?
yes, sure
8: i liked the way u used "antagonize" though.
uh, thanks
8: ok. well i was just pondering about. I dont understand how Ali, at age 32, was able to beat Foreman, at 24. Ali lost to fraizer in 15 rounds while Foreman destroyed fraizer in 2 rounds. Man. that shits drivin me crazy.
well, maybe he just wasn't "on" that day
8: no way. he was so vicious back then, foreman. now he's a teddy bear that sells grills.
anger management therapy?
8: no way! he found the "light." do you like that song by hoobastank?
which song?
8: the reason.
not bad
8: did you go for a swim?
hot tub, actually
8: i use to do that. then i didnt fit. i'd have my boogey board in there
haha, comfy (???)
8: i out grew it. i'd try to swim in there. i'd have my plastic bball, a small one, i was able to float i was staring at the ceiling and my head floated, along with the rest of my body. then i inhaled, i'd sink. exhaled, floated.
i can't really float. only half of me floats at any one time. i have to choose - head or feet- i have only enough bouyancy to suit half my body.
8: no womanly advantages? for floating.
(i only now get what he meant by that comment...)
none to speak of. i tend to founder in the water.
8: i dont know if u can tell or not. i like the conversations we have. its fun eventhough they would seeem soooo meaningless. the tub floating thing isnt meaningless. it was my childhood!!! hahaha
pruney childhood
8: pruney?
as in fingers, toes. when you stay in the water too long
8: ooooh, wrinkley?
8: i didnt know. is it because they resemble prunes?
yep (what the fuck? is this concept really all that difficult to grasp?)
8: ok i really need a life or something. i've listened to Reason at least, 20 times . ina row.
wow. (oh, please god do not let this have anything to do with the fact that i "like" the song) you must be awfully fond of that song, then
8: just lost in a trance. i crossed paths with yet again another person that i thought could have been u.
(oh god, this has to be the 3rd) except i've been out of town all weekend
8: haha! funny how the mind works. i dont even care anymore. its like... charlies angels or big brother.
in what way? i could be anyone anywhere, following you, ahead of you, hiding in bushes, behind trees?
8: nope. u missed the analogy! our identities shalll never be revealed.
ooh, that
8: haha. but its cool. we're kinda like penpals.
*time passes, more shit conversation*
8: its so beautiful when someone reads. Its art. with their glasses. Underneath the light.
lovely image
8: you're playing along again and you know it.
...you got me
8: how come you just didnt say "no its not"
well, it is sort of. also a bit cliched
8: it is? i didnt know.
meh, whatever. don't worry about it
8: i wont, then.

-end of relevance, next slide-
8: so you do appreciate our conversations too?
yeah, they're fun. (i lie)
8: dope. they are intoxicating. i get high off of our conversations.
...good to hear. (scream!)

-this one is creepy-
8: it'd be fun running crazy in savons n checkin out all the shit they have with that someone that makes u feel soo good when you're with them. late at night. you know. you dont even care if its at savons cuz you two are having so much fun together just being in the company of each other. and then u walk home together n its ok cuz you live close to one another. like... alll the way in the night. like... 2 am cuz its opened 24 /7
(i have no idea what the fuck to say to that...) that is a cool thing(...)
8: you understand..
(aaaah!! he thinks i'm wonderful, why else would he say that, so creepy, noooo! i'm not your perfect girl, i'm not into you, i'm not some concept! get a life and stop trying to impress me, i don't care!)

-and finally-
8: Hey Carla
8: not tired?
no, never
8: i'm studying for my psychobiology class right now
8: do you have a picture of you?
8: may i see? I 'll send you my picture too
*time passes*
8: carla?
ah sorry, went to the bathroom. (damn dirty lie)
ah, i don't think i actually have a pict anymore...sorry. ('nother lie. i's so bad.)
8: aw, ok. you drive my curiousity wild
sorry. (all good things come in 3's...)

kat says he wants to add me to his spank bank. that didn't even occur to me, but what can i say? i'm just a special one-of-a-kind girl. the kind you take home to mother. *shudder*

June 11, 2004

equivocation station

today has left me with nothing but questions, which i will halloo to the reverberate hills and make the babbling echo of the air cry out "what do i WANT???" (o, you should not rest between the elements of air and earth, but you should pity me!)

so i went to talk to hardinger today (prof whose class i'm failing) and it turns out that i'm not failing - i have a c-, which is the cutoff for failing. if i do superwell on the final, i can actually do pretty well in the class. shock and amazement!

also and more disturbingly, we talked about med school a bit. deary, deary me. evidently, and this i could have thought of myself, though i decided to ignore it instead, is the fact that if i do apply to med schools as an english major, that will be looked upon less favorably than if i had been a science major. oh fuck. and it makes sense, it'll look like i'm doing english just to keep my gpa up...which is not entirely untrue. for that reason and also my love of literature. but a struggling bio major is more endearing than an english major who just struggles in all her science courses. paradox: med schools look more favorably on students who take humanities courses because they look like they'd have better interpersonal skills.

so now i'm torn. into tiny confused pieces. like a sponge that has been passed through mesh, all the pieces are there, but until the cells crawl back into the correct shape, it's just lumps of jelly goo. horrible metaphor, i've never been any good at metaphor... anyways, now i don't know what to do. med school is still my dream, my lofty aspiration, but english would just be so candy. it would be wonderful. much less stress, so sweet, i'd get to read and write so pretty. *longing sigh* now i'm back to the unsure. do i want to double and break my back? do i switch to english and just step it up with the sciences? do i minor in english and feel slighted? do i just say screw it and stick with the bio and spend every night weeping? i really need some good advice.

on a tangent, i ran into jeff today, or rather, i saw him talking to some people as i was coming out of kerchoff. he smiled, giving no indication of wanting to talk, i waved and walked off. bastard. so that's that, then. this seems to be the year of losing good friends. kim (who i haven't spoken to since that one confusing night) and now jeff. mild irony: the one most stressful person in my life and the one most comforting (always excepting my dear old mum). but, i suppose without the stressful one, there's not so much use for the comforting one is there?

what i've been saying to rexy as per my date (and dating):
you going to have another date with that guy before you come home?
highly doubtful. i'm not too concerned, though
you think you'll ever see him again?
meh, who knows....he was very cute and all, but it's too much of a hassle and he wasn't really my type, i don't think.
you'll just have to pimp it up in nor cal for the summer.
yeah. pity i don't know any guys i really like up there.
well there's always the onion personals.
haha, i have rather low hopes for them, really.
well you met one guy right?
yeah. but really, low hopes. i don't believe i'm just not cut out for dating, and i'm starting to believe i'm not cut out for men. and women are just right out. maybe i'll buy electric inducements and hole myself up somewhere to watch sex and the city and eat ice cream by the pint.
I think you just have to find the right guy, but what I do know about socializing.
glad you find my social short comings funny.

June 10, 2004

good times

i find myself bored and hyper in turns. i've been sleeping an enormous amount. chem cannot be dropped so there is a tiny pit of panic in my stomach. my face has had that cold flush of fear at least one every day for the past 3 days. i'm feeling surprisingly good-natured, nonetheless. it's all the sleep. i'm somewhere between company-starved and reclusive. i've been leaving enigmatic away messages on instant messenger when i am really there. today: i have run off with a troupe of carnies to join the bankers' trust and, using our unique skills, beat the odds and make our names in the world of high finance. don't wait up, i may be gone a while. oh yeah, number 1 hardcore. ...no. i get the urge every so often to stare at people blankly, following them with my eyes. i do this whenever jim flips me "the bird." every time i try this with chau, we get into a staring contest. she always wins. i'm amazed at how long i can go without blinking, though. i have also been drawing a lot on photoshop. i made a "no noose" sign that kat and i noticed in the background of a flash game and i drew an interesting portrait till about 5 am last night. i'm going to go o-chem now, i really ought to, after all. perhaps i'll finish reading the chapter i've been reading for the past two days. or i might just draw some more.

June 08, 2004

pratfall from grace

so here's a little story for you, my faithful readers. and by "faithful readers" i'm referring to the 5 of you who read this because i pester you about it. i've been thinking about switching from a bio major, with a 2.9 gpa, to an english major, with lovely lovely books. i can remain pre-med and hopefully my gpa will improve once i begin doing something i am good at. we shall have to see. i've mentioned all this in one form or another in every post for the past week or so. i am terribly frightened of this and have gotten into the familiar drag-my-ass laziness associated with all such endeavors. (it's a wonder i actually got around to filling out college apps at all.) i am also taking a chem class that has me on my knees. my first midterm went well - got an 80. the second, abysmally. got a 25. what does this mean? i can either take the final and fail the class properly and retake it later, or i can drop the class, get that notation on my transcript and feel a shameful quitter. i'm leaning towards the second. this prospect, too, has me terrified. ironically, kat's in a similar predicament right now, which at least means i don't have to do my own research. horribly, i know that the one person around who could be warm and compassionate and terribly fuzzy (but that's genetic) and say the things i need to hear with loads of empathy is jeff. who i am not speaking to.

kat's indispensable advice: well you should talk to him soon, if only for your own sake. no. won't. will handle on my own. will make big glorious statement about own strength and independence. will handle this myself just to spite him. kat: that's terrible. he won't even be spited because he doesn't know. i know. don't care. he can fuck himself. alright then, you go girl. terribly empty victory, no?

i have "given up" on him and refuse to contact him, as i abjectly refuse to be the only person in a friendship who makes any attempt to maintain said friendship, even while living 3 min apart and in this modern age of cellphones and instant messages. basically, if he's going to be a prat and never call or im or drop by even to say "hi how are you my you look lovely in that top," i'm going to be a bitch and not do the same. which is a horrible shame as he is the one who would be the biggest comfort right now. how dare he be the warm comforting compassionate friend when he's also enough a prat to make me cut all ties.

god i need a hug.

June 07, 2004

i need...

i have 98% decided two things: i am going to switch to an english major and i am going to drop 30a. i feel a lot happier. much less stress. the other 2% is talking to my parents and actually doing both things. i really hope i don't wuss out, i can be such a pussy sometimes, usually with anything big. i just took a lovely nap and it looks the same heavy grey outside that it did this morning. i terribly need a hug right now, i think i need someone to hold me and tell me i'm making the right choice, though i believe i'll still go through with it without all of that. unrelatedly, i also need a back massage. so many terribly late nights these past two weeks hunched in front of my computer and my neck and shoulders feel frozen in this hunchey position. the way through my heart is through the tensey shoulders in my back. great.

June 06, 2004

boys and bras

i've decided to blog the events of my date in order to forestall questions and catcalls, though i have the sneaking suspicion it might just cause more of the above-mentioned behavior. first and foremost, i should mention to those of you not in my immediate gossip circle, yes, carla the frigid ice queen of hoth had a date. his name is morgan, i met him on the onion personals (yes, sad) i have a personal ad. 20, terribly cute in person, very american eagle, sea-green eyes - actually he looks like the type of guy you'd moon at from across the lecture hall but never speak to in person. he was very normal, average guy: friendly, good-natured, funny. not terribly witty, not outstandingly interesting, though he told pretty good stories, and it was a first date, after all. we got lunch at cpk, and then walked around westwood a bit, stopped by kinross to see amy's guillotine, though she wasn't there when we stopped by. it's a neat guillotine, absolutely huge, and i was rather disappointed to see it wasn't completely assembled. ended date with a hug and we'd talk again online. all-in-all it went pretty well, i don't so much know what to say, i don't really expect anything to arise from this, what with our geographic separation, but it was pretty fun, and i'd go out with him again...assuming i had the time what with finals.

after that, stopped at diddy reese then went up to kat's for a visit and a gossip. napped on her bed for a bit, under the blanket but on top of the sheet. she woke me up for dinner and i found swirling impresses covered my chest and arms in fascinating patterns. there was even a perfect imprint of my bracelet above my left boob. kat dragged me to dinner and on the way i ran into jim's gf. made random inept chat because i fell a bit the bitch for my behavior towards jim, or possible his behavior towards me... well, it couldn't do harm if she just considered me flighty and harmless. i have nothing but innocent intentions, so it would just be best to stave off unnecessary worry. terribly groggy, ate an orange and toast, drank water and milk - feel mildly anorexic but am not. i'll probably just eat the leftovers from my lunch tonight when i get hungry.

in a secondary note, i have developed a theory about bras; the theory goes as follows. underwire bras are for the most part terribly uncomfortable, yet that is most popular style, in fact, it is nearly ubiquitous. what then could account for their popularity, considering the discomfort of wearing one? my answer: underwire bras direct the focus of the wearer away from the head and into the breasts. while wearing a simple cloth bra, or no support at all, there is no niggling sensation drawing attention down, but with underwire, suddenly the breasts become the focus of your own attention. you feel them constantly, at least at first, hovering there in front of you, always a step ahead, anticipating your every move as if they were guiding you. and pretty soon that is exactly what begins to happen. your breasts are the first thing out in the world, feeling ahead like antennae and soon you begin to think with them, not merely of them. there is an affect akin to men's "little brain," only less pronounced, that becomes second nature in time. Though one may cease to be consciously aware of her breasts, there is a little part of her brain still listening to them and relaying their message on. the effect? womanly wiles. i believe that women's subtle sensual manipulations stem directly from their breasts. there are out there, coy, flirting, scheming without us. women have been wearing uncomfortable breast support for centuries, consider the corset, if you will. so the social effect has spanned centuries. i am rather intrigued at the ramifications of the popularization of the thong, however. what will happen to society, when women begin thinking with their asses as well? certainly only time can tell.

June 05, 2004

friday night

drunk and happy.

partied with friends. didn't have to dress up. watched ib do dirty things to a corona bottle; did dirty things to a banana. got my cuddle on...mostly with tha girls. i am pretty happy about tonight. i wanted the drunken revelry and got it, yay. only pity is that the male:female ratio was really very low. and the majority of the males were spoken for. at least the cure's "lullaby" was played. ouch!

June 04, 2004

time dies

i stayed up till 4 working on my lab report in blaize and jim's room. i know it should not have taken so long, but i can't for the life of me figure out why it did. i think maybe i was watching blaize play halo in a distracting way. actually, that must be it. jim was nice to me, which was a novelty, also he admitted being a jerk to me most of the time, which was a miracle. if that's what sleepiness does to him, i think maybe i should hide a rabid wolverine under his bead to keep him awake at nights with scabbering and howl of rage. or maybe something that doesn't sound as crazy.i dreamed last night that i woke up late for my lab, which is at 2, and had to run down there and eat a proverbial crow and cower before the ta. great. i hate when i have dreams like that because i am left needlessly anxious. i've noticed that my last couple of entries have been terribly vain. i'll try not to do that so much anymore. i'm beginning to even irritate myself.

June 03, 2004

unruly charges

this is what happens every time i play a sport: at first i am very into it, after all, i wanted to play. but i don't give it my all because effort is hard. i get tired after a couple rounds and then fuck around for a bit. i will want to quit now. if i continue playing (reluctantly), i get over the tedium, and get into this weird mindset where everything is slow and sleepy, like moving through water. i still would rather not play, but don't mind playing, either. my body has broken into a cold sweat. i get serious again, but still can't really work up the energy to care.

my life is there right now. everything is a little cold and remote, like underwater, and i don't so much have emotions about anything as i have opinions.

just now, i'm sitting around, bra and jeans, feeling very self-sufficient and adult. like nothing can phase me right now. i am also feeling very "i am beautiful woman," which always leads to trouble. and as a result of the two, very "i am woman hear me roar." almost makes me want to go prove the whole fish/bicycle theory of the 70's...y'all know what i'm talkin' about, wink wink. *sigh* this is what happens whenever i wear underwire - i start thinking with my breasts. "oh yeah, you want me, don't you, i know you do, you can't hide it from us," they say. damn cocky breasts.

i accidentally flashed a woman today walking to class. (unruly breasts.) i was wearing a button-down shirt, which i wear unbuttoned down to my bra. however the combined strain of my breasts and bag strap must have been too much and the next button down came undone, as well. maybe it felt left out. well, someone gave me a rather odd glance, which prompted me to look down and see, sure enough, whoops, i had flashed her a boob. i buttoned back up, but didn't really care. at least i had on a nice bra.

i have the urge to watch sci-fi, but i shouldn't, i have chem to do. my speakers (unplugged) are making a weird ratta-tat-tat sound like popcorn or popguns. one of the two. that would be unnerving if i weren't so damn awesome just now. the more i let myself think about it, the more i lean towards lit, eesh. so much for my altruistic dreams, eh? somewhere in this city is a venezuelan cheese store. i want to get some good foreign cheese to bring back to mum when i go home. freebird is a damn fine song. i sent j ro (funnyman creator of wigu, see sidebar link) a picture of a turnip because he was bit by a spider and i felt sad because he was all gimpy and not drawing for my enjoyment. he called me "ace" and now i'm all happy inside.

i am so fuckin' ace, dammit.

deary me

hiccups at 4 am. i've been sitting in the lounge for the past hour and a half or so with my laptop and tablet, lookin pretty but no one's awake at 3 am to see me there cross-legged and furiously drawing with big sweeps of my hand. i ended up abandoning my lab report and drawing a graffiti snake. i felt so rock and roll, toes to tits. (ever since i read that in girls are pretty, that phrase has been in my head.) i had thought of something in there that i wanted to write about, but the hiccups have driven all thought from my mind. i'm trying not to hiccup too loudly and wake chau. fortunately, i have sugar and water, that remedy may be had. i have class tomorrow that i desperately do not want to go to, but i think i must. i will. fuck. a lit major is looking more and more promising to me, as i think about it. but, oh dear, whatever will i do with that? i've become nocturnal. what would my parents say, they, who have tried so hard to make me have a regular sleep schedule? ah well. i think i must sleep now. perhaps tomorrow i'll write a story. goodnight.

June 02, 2004

ennui and me

i think i'm cooling on everything. my emotions are all now extremely transitory and muted. i want to be through with the year and go home, but i have no enthusiasm for being there, either. i want to go away somewhere for the first week i have back after school. i think i need that - a short time of drinking and friends and fun and new scenery before i settle into another routine. i'll be teaching children math. god, how did i get roped into that? it combines the two things i dislike and fear the most - math and children. it pays very well, though. that's why i'm doing it. it might even be fun, if i can discover a sane way to deal with the kids. i don't think i'm allowed to send fighting children into the parking lot to sort out their disagreements or undermine their parents' authority. i do need to get away. maybe i will organize a little trip somewhere, but where? i need ideas first.

well, i got a 25/100 on the chem midterm. that has to be, i think, the deepest depth of my academic pathos. it was accompanied by no cold rush of fear or shame under my skin, no surprise. no nothing. just mild sigh, i need to do better and soon. i'm thinking more and more favorably about lit. lit would be good. lit is easy. lit is my friend. lit is ease and a's.

i've been talking to morgan more online. he's great, but i'm cooling on the whole giddy i-found-a-nice-boy thing. i'm getting the impression that i'm much more...out there...than he is. also, i realize that i will not see him in the time i have left down here with the finals i need to cram for now more than ever.

in general, i'm just bored with everything, i think. i need some sort of fun. the em & lo horoscope was right on again this week when it said:
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You may think of yourself as a bit of a cunning linguist, but this week we advise you to woo without words. Perhaps tickets to a ball game, an afternoon of surfing, a sunset at a harbor restaurant, or an interpretive dance? In fact, the only words you should be using this week are those conveyed via sky-writing.

i do need some sort of action, adventure, absurdity. something that isn't all these words, words, words. too much of my life right now is spoken; i need to experience. and i need it now.