May 28, 2004

the sheets of my innocence

so i have made it through the week, more or less intact (mental cohesion up for debate) and at last i am back home. after la, or perhaps just after the strain of the past few days, i feel as if i'm vibrating at a higher frequency than this place. somehow, i don't quite feel the calm serenity that i had hoped would wash over me like a soothing wave as soon as i arrived back in the familiar arms of the bay. perhaps my expectations were too high? perhaps i'm still too amped up, especially after this afternoon (midterm horrible, chem lab forever, packing frantic, atm out of money, airport wait long, 6pm breakfast overpriced), to settle in. but i feel this weird inner charge that doesn't quite gel with my surroundings (i'm ionic, they're nonpolar! chem has destroyed my mind...). it's like like my smooth edges are starting to harden out and i'm not quite the right shape peg to fit into this round hole. (dirty)

driving back, the streets were almost entirely empty and the night was dark and quiet and serene and i was still a bit jittery on the inside thinking, "what is wrong? i'm home. be happy." as soon as i got back to the house and onto firm land i hugged mommy long and tight. it was a little squishy and very comforting and oh so familiar down to the smell and i relaxed a bit. then i hugged dad - i had to stand on tip-toes to reach, still, and it was harder and a bit more uncomfortable, but in its way still home. he said he was proud of me and i laughed and went to get a glass of water. yeah, still a bit awkward, that. so we've been sitting around talking and doing the usual. i had my laptop open and played kol for most of it (bad girl) and showed them the pictures i took of the campus and the gorgeous purple trees and told them about my classes and my horrid (former) lab partner (the story doesn't die - today he stole my lab stool).

it rained here this morning, it seems to always rain here just before i arrive even if its been nice for weeks beforehand. in dread? cleaning everything off everything all nice for my visit? wind excited at the return of an old friend? (when i was younger i would talk to the wind. it was my special friend. long after i ceased having imaginary friends [2], i would imagine conversations with the wind. not anything big, just my worries and things. you may think "psychotic," i think it's sweet.) so now the parents have gone to bed and i'm shortly going to do the same (before 2am, you ask? shocking!) there's a rather good-sized spindly spider playing around here right now and for all i know, he's crawling up and down my back as i lie here. aaah, serenity.

i partly dread going back into my room to sleep on the sheets of my childhood. really, some time since i moved to la, mother replaced all my bedding with the stuff i used when i was in grade school. it's really a bit shocking. there's nothing wrong with the sheets per-se, the pattern is completely innocuous, i just feel a bit too old and worn (soiled? spoiled?) to be sleeping in them. big bad dirty carla. but the rest of my room is as i left it, piles of books everywhere, walls cluttered with my own montage take of pop culture, etc. the only other major difference is the giant pile of mail i have to sort through at the bottom of my bed, but somewhere therein lies my tax refund. (incentive!) $60 to convert into small bills and then fling into the air, scatter on the floor, and roll over in a horribly hedonistic manner, giggling.

i don't know exactly what i'm going to be doing this weekend. most of my old friends are home, it seems, only i've forgotten who my old friends are...hmm. kat's coming up, too, and dad mentioned something about an air show. sure, dad! eh. i'd go just to please him, for all of that. we never do anything together. but maybe the huh. oh well. if you have ideas, call me, i guess. off i go to bed on the sheets of my innocence. i rather like the way that sounds...


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