April 30, 2004

deaf faith

yesterday was misery. in the afternoon i wanted to post that this totally intimidating woman (tall blonde ex-swimsuit model going to harvard grad school next year...yeah) in my writing 2 said of my essay that she found it "humbling." that means better than her and i was dancing around the idea "no one should be allowed to say shit like that to me - how can someone with no shame be allowed to have pride." by bedtime, the same essay was the cause of many tears. i showed it to kim. i felt guilty letting other people read all thesse intimate things about her when she, herself did not know what i had written. it was unwise, i knew it even then, but i guess i hoped she would understand. she left me a message - she was so betrayed and hurt. i think i have lost a good friend. i feel bad, last night i felt horrible, but i cannot say that what i wrote was anything but honest. i also cannot say it was the whole truth. i hoped she would realize that, but it seems she didn't. she looks at the world through the filter of her depression and took what i wrote in the worst light. i cannot honestly see how anyone would have taken it differently, though. i'm just sorry that i broke my word. promised her that i wouldn't abandon her in college. well, i guess she's dumping me. i slept most today and my sorrow away.

despite its inauspicious beginnings and (not so) reassuring words from mum about the kim thing, today turned out to be pretty good, actually, after i finally got up, that is. i think what made it work were the events of this evening. kat and i went to a jazz club in little tokyo to see a friend's band perform. oh yes, that's so goddam badass i could scream. furthermore, the music was good, the guitarist was hot, the right side of my brain was stimulated. (complex musical forms stimulate the non-dominant side of the brain.) it was sweet.

i'd like to feel guilty about not being sad enough about kim, but i did the sad thing all last night and this morning and it's not enjoyable. i trust the universe will work things out for the best, whatever that may be. i like having faith.


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