April 30, 2004

a day in the lab

rexy: so how was your day?

me: eh, i am compelled to say "pretty good" by my unshakable optimism, on the other hand, if you look at the facts it kinda sucked. but, i guess, i feel good about it, nonetheless.

i hate my chem lab. it is crappy. i spent all thaat time last night working on the post-lab and completely forgot i had a prelab due as well. by the time (1 am) that i did figure this out, i was exhausted. then i realized i was missing the packet on how to do the lab that i got last time.

fortunately, i was slated to mee my lab partner at 1 (skipping my chem 30 lecture that i actually enjoy) and i got the protocol from him. over the next hour, i did the pre-lab, frantically, eschewing any responsibility to look over my partner's half of the post-lab. i turned both in on time, happily, though the pre-lab was rather shoddily done and i have no idea how well my partner did his half of the post-lab. (though to his credit, it looked quite thorough.)

then in the lab i got partnered with a new person, this horribly obnoxious guy, that even from observing during previous classes i hate. i would descibe him as linn's much less charming cousin, but no one would get that. suffice it to say he's this big asian guy. condescending, asks stupid questions that could be avoided if he just friggin' paid attention to the ta, made me repeat everything twice. so we did the titration, which i also despise, and in the process had to begin again twice, and we had 3 titrations to do in 3 hours and it looked like we'd be quite pressed for time.

then the fire alarm went off.
i spent about 10 min, lying outside on a concrete pylon while the whole building buzzed and blared.

so between the time constraints, my own fuck-ups, and the pain-in-the-ass partner, i was a bit on edge. fortunately, we did finish on time and i don't need to kill nobody.
and i'm still in a pretty good mood, though i do not relish meeting with that guy on tues to do the lab.

rexy: sounds like quite a dramatic day.

me: haha, yeah.

deaf faith

yesterday was misery. in the afternoon i wanted to post that this totally intimidating woman (tall blonde ex-swimsuit model going to harvard grad school next year...yeah) in my writing 2 said of my essay that she found it "humbling." that means better than her and i was dancing around the idea "no one should be allowed to say shit like that to me - how can someone with no shame be allowed to have pride." by bedtime, the same essay was the cause of many tears. i showed it to kim. i felt guilty letting other people read all thesse intimate things about her when she, herself did not know what i had written. it was unwise, i knew it even then, but i guess i hoped she would understand. she left me a message - she was so betrayed and hurt. i think i have lost a good friend. i feel bad, last night i felt horrible, but i cannot say that what i wrote was anything but honest. i also cannot say it was the whole truth. i hoped she would realize that, but it seems she didn't. she looks at the world through the filter of her depression and took what i wrote in the worst light. i cannot honestly see how anyone would have taken it differently, though. i'm just sorry that i broke my word. promised her that i wouldn't abandon her in college. well, i guess she's dumping me. i slept most today and my sorrow away.

despite its inauspicious beginnings and (not so) reassuring words from mum about the kim thing, today turned out to be pretty good, actually, after i finally got up, that is. i think what made it work were the events of this evening. kat and i went to a jazz club in little tokyo to see a friend's band perform. oh yes, that's so goddam badass i could scream. furthermore, the music was good, the guitarist was hot, the right side of my brain was stimulated. (complex musical forms stimulate the non-dominant side of the brain.) it was sweet.

i'd like to feel guilty about not being sad enough about kim, but i did the sad thing all last night and this morning and it's not enjoyable. i trust the universe will work things out for the best, whatever that may be. i like having faith.

April 28, 2004

i have no words.

April 26, 2004

80 degrees boring

stayed up till 5 last night. spent the last few hours of that trying to read in jim's room. he and kat played chess. i was wise not to play him. he's good. beat her in what had to be 3 moves, i didn't count. second game lasted longer. i made bad suggestions. ugh, i guess my lack of sleep is showing in the terrible blandness of this log. i'll make the rest short. got jason to drive me to the museum, so i did finally get my ass over there to see the pre-colombian art, whoo. also walked around the modern art gallery. saw some new pieces, some really awesome ones, some completely mediocre, some terribly lame. i like it when museums decide to switch it up a bit. i did my cute "i'm into art" act on jason. well, it's not an act, really, but whenever i look at art i feel as if i am the one posing. ate dinner with jason, too. had pointless conversation. god, my head hurts where i clonked it. i swear, it's getting worse. it's been lovely hot these past two days, i'd like it to cool slightly, but i would rather it be like this than normal. slightly warm or even quite warm over comfortable any day. i wanna set up a personal in the onion. i'm interested in seeing what sort of people are out there and onion readers are more likely to be my type than the gropey twits out on the party scene. well, you never know, i guess, but i'm still bad with people. now work. bye.

April 25, 2004

level 7 power up!

according to my professor, i have a "rare talent" as a writer, something she has not said of more than 5 or 7 students in 10 years of teaching. i instinctually know "when to reveal and when to conceal," which is something that cannot be taught. of course none of this talent is displayed in my weblog, it is all distracted ramblings and uninspired prose. yet i will continue to assail your eyes with it, as i do truly enjoy writing. ha!

i said in my last post that i wouldn't write again until after having visited the book fair and so it is. i have gone and returned, and though it was not fansmegintastic, it was still pretty cool. i picked up a tin tin comic, as he is my number one man and had cotton candy and watermelon juice, which i mistook for cherry lemonade in the tub. had late dinner, the dining hall staff has taken to turning the lights off at 8 to drive out the stragglers. now kat and i are playing mario world 3 and we're mired in world 7. the one time we wish chau were here...

partied last night with ib and the girls, it was pretty fun. amy found her a boy, who was pretty cute. go amy. i found out that cheap rum burns like hellfire. especially when you're still recovering from a cold, ugh! i spent much of that night too warm with a headache, and i think it was from latent sickness rather than booze, so i found it all rather depressing (still had fun, though). i should take better care of myself, seriously, now that i'm in the recovery process. i'm not yet better, but i still want my fun! oof, i just died playing the level 7 castle and clonked my head real good. ooowie.

my correspondence has improved immensely ever since my long tell-all e-mail. some would say being that candid with your parents is a bad idea, i say it's actually brilliantly manipulative. now we're sending short, snappy e-mails at each other that sound much more natural than the let me update you on my life e-mail we had been exchanging. i sort of hope that that sort of longer communication is not lost, though, in the flurry of short stories.

also got in touch recently with a couple of old friends. called lj the other day to beg of her the use of the internet because the servers here were down and i had to do a lab. suegol imed me, too, because it seems i never spoke to her after a changed my sn. oops! at the same time, i seem to be losing touch with jeff. i just don't really want to be the only one attempting to keep in contact. petty of me, yes, but that's who i am.

chau came back. she wants to sleep. kat and i are clearing out now. bye.

April 23, 2004

trouser strain

events of the week in review:
worry about major, freak out about grades, can i handle med school? can i handle med school?!
decide to talk to kim. regret talking to kim. talk kim out of suicide. contemplate suicide.
accuse the universe of fucking with my head. realize the universe has a point. thank the universe for its interference. learn how to spell interference.
get told i'm a good writer. cuss having to now put more effort in writing. decide i'm a good writer. worry about being a good writer. decide to take writing classes.
write angry depressed sad sick e-mail to mother mentioning: underage drinking, teen suicide, and cussing. get 3 calls from parents in one day. enjoy the attention.

the resolutions:
i'm going to declare a double major in lit. i will be happy with my own writing so long as it meets my standards and not worry too hard about other people's opinions (haha, fat chance). apartment gotten, deposit paid. the universe is seriously lookin' out - mad props, universe.

it's 3 am and my pants are falling off due to mere gravitational strain - a true sign, none clearer, that it is bedtime. poor pants. you have earned your repose. night!

April 17, 2004

every italian hero has his p. toadstool

yesterday kat and neighbor jim came over to play video games, after all the festivities of the early evening. for my part, the rest of the night (until 6 a.m. that is) oscillated between silliness and mildly self-effacing comments (entirely justified i assure you, i suck at video games, hardcore) and brutal sarcasm. the sarcasm was equally justified as jim insisted on using me alternately as a footrest, backrest, and headrest, all the while deriding my marioworld 3 abilities. this created a rather unusual dynamic. i don't know jim all that well and was frankly surprised by the level of contact. on the other hand, i am not known for my social skills and the men in my life are all, bar none, unusual. i can't decide if that was normal behavior and merely novel to me because i limit my human contact to: rare if at all, or if it was, in fact, a bit odd. really, i guess i just feel a bit awkward about it because he has a girlfriend and they are "so in love" - as elissa one described it. what that means, then, is that i feel a bit weird because i feel as if there should be some sort of censure present. oh well, ultimately it was entirely uninteresting. yay!

i woke up today (at 2:15 p.m.) to this horoscope:
scorpio: Try to remember your dreams, because one of them is so big and crazy that you shouldn't rely on your subconscious to take care of it. You might want to keep it to yourself, too.

well, ha! i'm blogging it anyways. or at least in part. actually, i've decided to keep the bulk to myself. too weird, too full of meaning. you peons get the edited version. my dream last night was epic, so this is gonna be one smallish part. two people were featured in my dream who i haven't had any relationship with since middle school. one i never expected to see again, and now, surprisingly, see rather regularly, though any meetings are awkward and stunted, due to a social faux pas i made upon running into him for the first time in many years. the other is someone i certainly haven't seen for many years, though i still look for his face in large crowds. the odd thing about the dream was my relationship with the two. the first and i were close friends, and i finally did run into the second, after all. our meeting was not so happy as expected, however, and i guess the moral was: i may be feeling rather lonely now, but i'm not going to find someone from among the people i already know. if i want a boyfriend, i'm going to actually have to go out and meet new people and stop bitching about my social ineptitude for long enough to get to know someone cool.

that being said, perhaps i will take up jim's offer (and convince kat to do the same, of course) to go drinking at his frat. it's an engineering frat. perhaps i'll meet someone clever.

and deep disturbing emotional currents come out...

i just got back from kill bill volume 2, i spent the last of my money in westwood. i started on the road to apartment-dom, pissing off my dad amidst all the paperwork (he needs to co-sign, effort! gaaaaaahh...) and somehow i feel as if i could shit gold. i feel fan-fuckin'-tastic! seriously! i don't know what it is, but my world is lollipops right now. mm, i want me a cute geek-boy, on an entirely unrelated note. well, no, not entirely, there were a lot of cute geek-boys at the movie. and i want one now! give it to me...(breaks out into song)!

okay, so it seems i have not much to say at the moment. i'm just kinda sunny on the inside so i guess i wanted to share that before it all goes to hell with worrying and desire for father's approval. (why don't you hug me more, daddy?) ugh, sunshine fading, come back, sunshine! i will feed you with booze and aztec-style sacrifice. just let me find a war prisoner i can kill in ritual combat...

'cuz...the sun'll come out, tomorrow. bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun! (or so the aztecs believed so long as they fed it with lots and lots of human hearts.) well, can you blame them? that trip across that sky is long and arduous, that sun needs all the protein he can get!

okay, so i admit that my good mood teeters on the edge of insanity. what of it? i need sugar. talk to you later!

April 11, 2004

sat words

the story of my first week back at school. it feels like it's been much longer. i've been staying up really late (2-4 AM) and waking up mid-morning (9-12). i feel remarkable undrowsy, in light of all that. this quarter is shaping up to be incredible. i find myself raving about my o-chem professor. he's engaging and competent, a delicious rare treat in college! my lit class is awesome. think: new age hollistics meets scientific journal and you get the general picture. it's lovely. on friday we had a 5-minute lie-on-your-back-and-relaaaax session. i get to talk about my feelings in a unabashedly pretentious manner. validate me, dammit! score! my fiat luxe is more of the same, only related to myth and pop culture. damn i love acting over-educated. i never get to do that enough. i always feel so fake and ostentatious, but here i get to indulge my darkest pedantic urges. buahahahaha!!! my other two classes, chem lab and art history are not nearly so amazing, but at least in my lab the people seem pretty cool. and although my art history professor is something of a bore, i managed to remain awake during my last class, so that seems a good portent.

my roommate, who spent every weekend first quarter and half the weekends second quarter at home, is staying here this time. thing is, she's spent the last two nights "sleeping over" in someone else's room. go chauser! (they be boys' rooms.) in fact, she never came home last night and i returned from breakfast this morning to find some random guy in the room as she showered. there is nothing to be inferred from that, as chau is naturally fastidiously clean, but i find it to be rather amusing, nontheless. i expected to find chau sitting at her desk and was rather taken aback to find a complete stranger there instead. for the last couple of days at this time of the night i've heard the theme song to m*a*s*h echoing through the courtyard. odd.

i've been doing a ridiculous amount of socializing this week. every night till late, i've been hanging with the c-8 crew being rowdy. cards, ydkj, futurama, whatever form the entertainment took, there was always a bunch of us around, loud and laughing. i like that. but it makes it very tough to haul my ass away to go to bed. last night i went to fatburger with kat, dianna, and a very stoned shahin at 2 am. didn't get to bed till 4. that was an experience. i've pretty much decided that weed is not a drug i am likely to sample. i remember that week last quarter where i obsessively complained about my reduced brain function and wondered painfully about the cause (brain tumor? sleep-walking glue-sniffing?) and i think, "that was so terribly unpleasant that i have utterly no urge to relive that sort of dissociation from myself." i literally missed my regular lever of brain function as one would miss her distant lover, except without the whole "lover" part. oh well, so much for a narcotics-lined path to illumination (reference to blog title, anyone?).

spent much money today. bought a lab coat, a reader, and some goggles. also a birthday present, some accessories, and a pair of undies proclaiming how frigid i am. yeah, that's right, frigid. i like them. they're violet. also a labrynth dvd. whooo! whooo! whooo! i'm not entirely sure what tomorrow will bring. not metaphorically, or metaphysically, but literally. i maaay go to disneyland (not looking very likely at this point) i maaay do some work (need i say ditto?) or i maaay slack off in kat's room all day. oh well, at least i got some pretty good stuff out of the weekend so far. and isn't stuff really all that matters?

April 04, 2004

my orchid is wilting

well, the end of a lovely vacation. i'm back at school and pointedly not unpacking...urgh. so let us try to stave off work, school, life a bit longer by reliving the last couple of days of va-ca-tion though the amazing medium of the internet.

kat came back from hawaii and reading her blog just now i realize that nothing she told me in person did it justice. oh so jealous, oh so green. well, at least that's my fav color. she, ames, and i went to haight st. yesterday for thrifty fun and games. on my way out the door father cautioned me about the dangerous drugs and hippies known to inhabit that stretch of sf. oh, i laughed so afterwards, but to his face i soberly assured daddy that everything would be OK. upon arrival, i have to admit that he did have a, albeit teeny, point. (quaking in bed, blankets clutched just under chin, "i see hobos." scream!) no, it was perfectly fun and i got an army surplus purse (brought to you by gays in the military!!) and a very, very colorful shirt. with holes cut out on the shoulders. i feel i should go to a rave...or give the captain lip before going off to fight the giant space worms that have chewed through our hull. i also got a couple of cd's - bush and soundgarden. kat must have gotten 8 or 9. i felt like such a poser in there (amoeba). i was surrounded by terribly alternatively dressed audiophiles and i couldn't remember the name of one of the (mainstream 90's alt rock) bands i was interested in. i just followed kat around, which was just as well because several of the bands on her list would have also been on mine, had i had the drive to make such a list.

my plane ride down here was not the fun, easygoing, and relaxing trip the airlines would have you believe is to be had flying our friendly skies. my luggage was heavy and the shoes that have never made the metal detector beep in any of my flights did this time and i had unprecedented trouble getting my bag into the overhead storage compartment due to my scrawny scrawny arms. on the plus side, however, i got a shuttle back to campus almost immediately.

so now i'm back in my room, rested, safe and sound, and no worse for the wear. and what have i discovered upon my return? spiders! it's fortunate that they are not a phobia of mine, though i know i'm going to be awakened to chau's screams some night, and she's going to force me to pry a creepy crawly off her face before she lets me get back to sleep. one little guy built a web in the handle loop of a bag we use for recycling. i'm just not going to tell her. well, i've run out of excuses to procrastinate unpacking any longer. and my foot's asleep. bye.