March 17, 2004

infirm of purpose!

i don't have terribly much to say today, but i feel that i need to move down the posts i've made another slot. so it's time to delve into my subconscious again for something significant to say. here it comes....ffffft! nothing. oh wait...

i'm afraid i've become completely desensitized. the other day i was talking with kim and she told me that she was going to kill herself (again) and i had no emotional response again. her own internal agonies, tortures, melodramatic flops, etc. do nothing to me anymore. i am completely impassive, calloused, numb to it all. i spent the entire conversation simultaneously flirting with chris. i still care about kim, i just am weary, i guess, of all her problems. i feel like a bad person. i told her that if she killed herself, my heart would die. i don't know where i got that, but those aren't my words. i felt like such a hypocrite.

it's lovely out today. i slept through the last day of classes and now i'm bracing myself to study. a highly unlikely occurrence that will be staved off with internet jigsaw puzzles and hopefully some quality chatting. i need to meet some new people. there's nothing wrong with the ones i know, it's simply that i need change. can't wait to go home can't wait to go home can't wait to go home. i've stopped eating meat almost entirely. all i can stomach these days are desserts, fruit, and veggies. the occasional pasta. this is a bad thing as no food is actually appealing enough to get me out of my room and instead the only incentive i have to eat is the company.

i read all the books i picked up the other day. now i'm without. what a pity, but at least that's one less distraction against studying. i'm going to re-read something now, i can feel it. catcher in the rye has, true to form, made me look for something real. sad, because i was just becoming accustomed to not expecting much from people. no deep philosophical conversations, confessions, airing of problems. now? i think i want purity again. purity of purpose, i guess. that always fucks me over, though. no one is going to be completely straight with you all the time. pity.


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