March 31, 2004

pop culture references and bad spelling abound

i just found my culinary soulmate, my confectionary connection, the perfect ice cream. ben and jerry, i heart you real good, you and your Dublin mudslide. yes, it sounds like an act that would have prostitutes charging double, that should be listed alphabetically under "dirty sanchez," but i assure you that it is tops. irish cream ice cream, cookie bits, and - be still my heart - chocolate fudge. *drools on keyboard* it's good. i plan on buying gallons of it as soon as i get back to school and gorging myself fat and sick.

"this car could be automatic, hydromatic, ultramatic! why, it could be greased lightning!!" that movie is great. it's also all that's on tv right now. i love the hardly-subtle innuendo, i love the message it sends young girls, i love the way the characters break into song and at the end, snap out of their choreographed poses and continue on with their lives as if they have no idea as to what just transpired. television is getting really shitty. what's on now? one of the wayans has a family sitcom. i simply can't muster enthusiasm for the newest enterprise incarnation, which is a pity because after quantum leap scot bacula is one of my heros. america is evidently about to acquire a new idol and my poor heart just can't take it - i don't know if i have the presence of mind to add any more pop stars to my worship schedule. (monday - kelly clarson, tues - light a brassiere in homage to brittany spears, weds - reuben sandwich, thurs - the twins "shake it" and "shimmy shimmy" shakira, fri - sacrifice a lamb to the father god mj, sat - clay "twiggy" aiken, sunday is split between the trickster god simon and the goddess of the backup dance, paula abdul). thank god for the oc - the dynasty of a younger generation. and i simply must laugh when certain of my college friends go "oh, those houses aren't all that nice." ... riight.

well, while television isn't my ideal, everything else has been cool. ah, eternal sunshine, i saw that yesterday. totally groked it. exactly the kind of movie i dig. yay! the food, especially the ice cream, has been wonderful. and i can't complain about the company, except there simply has not been enough. spring break report, then: pretty damn satisfactory.

see you later, suckas!

March 29, 2004

homecoming

home is a nice place. i've been replaying nostalgic joys of my youth in the form of disney's very own robin hood. watching it now, i think never have i been so sexually attracted to an animated fox (sooooo dreamy!). now, be jealous, be very jealous - i just got a sack of books for $4. and yes, they are good books, and yes, i got to pick them out myself - a pile of agatha christie, several old classics, and a good number of brainless fantasy and sci-fi. i also went to the library when i got back, so i'm swimming in literary heaven. beside getting second-hand books, i went to goodwill and got a pair of perfect-fitting gap jeans for $3. even when i was on the gap dole, they would have been $40 or something, hahaha! thrifting is great, yo, can't wait till the third when kat and i go to haight street and i splurge. i wish more people were home. it'd be more fun if that were the case, but it's not bad as it is.

March 25, 2004

a-woot-woot

finals done. flying home. here i come, sunnyvale. yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah!!

March 24, 2004

*scratch...scratch...scratch*

mrrrrarw...i'm awake, dammit! shower then breakfast then fuck up final #1. return. cram, lunch, cram, fuck up final #2. dinner. lose myself in a booze and zelda wonderland of joy. oh! and some time in there i have to schedule for a shuttle to pick me up some time tomorrow. remind me to do that some time before i spiral into mental oblivion.

March 23, 2004

i may not be too smart...

conversation is the biggest relief! it's the middle of finals week and i had one yesterday and have 2 to go tomorrow. i spent much of today chatting online or playing zelda. oh, no, i'm not ballsey, i'm fucked. i took a quick break from cramming names and dates into my head for my history of science final 8 am tomorrow to go mail my credit card payment, when i ran into 3 other ex-homesteadites and stopped to chat. we stood around in the cold, conversing in the fast, snappy manner characteristic of the intellictualites at my high school and wb primetime teen dramas. god! it feelt so good that i think i'm ready for my test, my confidence has awoken. i think i'm going to bed now. screw studying for tonight, i need my sleep. i'll learn chem tomorrow. (after my history final and before my chem final. now that's ballsey.)

March 19, 2004

Blase

been feeling silly in that randomly scattered way i do. at least it gets the creative juices flowing, though more often then not i just end up being obnoxious. oh, don't worry, i can tell when i'm being obnoxious, if i sigh and suddenly sit back very quiet for a while, i've noticed. also i f i continue exactly what i'm doing but my voice raises an octave or i start talking a bit more slowly - that's a sign, too. i don't really feel like doing much. today's my last day in the lab, i'm probably going to be there for 4 hours. i should also start my reviewing for my bio midterm, but i won't. perhaps i'll go out tonight and just sit around talking, but that's doubtful as most of my friends are more studious than i. what a fun day.

March 17, 2004

infirm of purpose!

i don't have terribly much to say today, but i feel that i need to move down the posts i've made another slot. so it's time to delve into my subconscious again for something significant to say. here it comes....ffffft! nothing. oh wait...

i'm afraid i've become completely desensitized. the other day i was talking with kim and she told me that she was going to kill herself (again) and i had no emotional response again. her own internal agonies, tortures, melodramatic flops, etc. do nothing to me anymore. i am completely impassive, calloused, numb to it all. i spent the entire conversation simultaneously flirting with chris. i still care about kim, i just am weary, i guess, of all her problems. i feel like a bad person. i told her that if she killed herself, my heart would die. i don't know where i got that, but those aren't my words. i felt like such a hypocrite.

it's lovely out today. i slept through the last day of classes and now i'm bracing myself to study. a highly unlikely occurrence that will be staved off with internet jigsaw puzzles and hopefully some quality chatting. i need to meet some new people. there's nothing wrong with the ones i know, it's simply that i need change. can't wait to go home can't wait to go home can't wait to go home. i've stopped eating meat almost entirely. all i can stomach these days are desserts, fruit, and veggies. the occasional pasta. this is a bad thing as no food is actually appealing enough to get me out of my room and instead the only incentive i have to eat is the company.

i read all the books i picked up the other day. now i'm without. what a pity, but at least that's one less distraction against studying. i'm going to re-read something now, i can feel it. catcher in the rye has, true to form, made me look for something real. sad, because i was just becoming accustomed to not expecting much from people. no deep philosophical conversations, confessions, airing of problems. now? i think i want purity again. purity of purpose, i guess. that always fucks me over, though. no one is going to be completely straight with you all the time. pity.

March 13, 2004

i've been objectified! i feel empowered!

kat, amy, elissa, and i went "partying" tonight. to those of you who are not yet aware of the progression of this amazing phenomenon, i am here to enlighten you.

STEP 1: get all perty. really perty. break out the eyeliner and the booty shorts, girls, you're tryin' to ketch you a man.

STEP 2: get drunk. this is an important step in the process. since being perty necessitates kerchief-sized clothing, one needs a blanket of alcohol to keep from catching a chill out there in the cold night. also, it makes steps 10-15 seem more charming.

STEP 3: go out. wander the night with your gaggle of girlfriends, giggling and making penis jokes.

STEP 4: arrive at the party in top form. get yelled at on the way there, but ignore the street boys for the more desirable indoor boys. it's the ones in tha rooms that you can bring home to mamma.

STEP 5: be turned away from frat #1.

STEP 6: wander into frat #2. there is no booze and the boys are lame.

STEP 7: find a latcher-on named something endearing, like "t-bone" and let him follow you everywhere.

STEP 8: wander into salsa party. realize you do not know la salsa. exchange numbers with cute indie boys from michigan. leave. be enticed into an apartment party by smoking boy on the street. give him beer you got from strange mexican. enter.

STEP 9: dance your little heart out.

STEP 10: dance your little heart out with t-bone.

STEP 11: move t-bone's hands out of your shirt.

STEP 12: move t-bone's hands out of your crotch.

STEP 13: roll your eyes at t-bone's incredible gall.

STEP 14: wonder at the complete impassivity at being groped. do not feel violated, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

STEP 15: realize that bad touch on body not in any way connected to you. body is merely body. bad touch is not too disturbing, yet limits must exist. move t-bone's hands out of your shirt.

STEP 16: leave party after that milkshake song is over. file out, t-bone still in tow. trade t-bone to some other girls and run away quick. walk back towards campus.

STEP 17: meet nice boy who doesn't try to touch anyone. converse cheerily with nice boy on walk back. leave nice boy and head back to dorms. talk about how nice boy was, also about bad touch.

STEP 18: return to own dorm, own hall, own room. sleep away tomorrow.

and that, kiddies, is your 18-step plan for a rockin' friday night. also, a new and bizarre form of zen mastery. maybe i will be less timid now, especially since by step 5 i was dead sober and still free (uninhibited) enough to have fun, and i did not let that guy make me feel uncomfortable - i was unselfconscious but still in control. even though someone is obectifying you, you refuse to feel that way, to be weak. my mind was free and my body entirely my own, dammit, and, hell, a little close-dancing never hurt anyone. i'm an odd breed of feminist, i think. now hand me my lacy pink cami and ass-pants, i'm goin' clubbin'

March 12, 2004

my vagina is angry

i went to see the vagina monologues tonight. it got my feminine juices flowing. so what i have learned this evening is that my cooch is very suggestible. embrace your pussy!

today was finally the day of laundry. i bagged all my dirty clothes and sheets and shit and dragged it all down to the laundry room (2 people 1.5 trips). then i had to wait for machines to clear, took out the wet, soppy clothes and inserted my own digs. it was time to run to class but nothing was done washing, so i waited to throw everything into the dryer, all the while frantically calling people and begging their voicemails to call me back. eventually i found my neighbor and got her to agree to pick up my clothes after it dried. moved everything to the dryers and ran off to class. on that run, called mum and had a sweet, though rushed, little chat. thanked her for the cookies, i'm a good daughter, and hung up as i arrived, 15 minutes late for my discussion. did get my grade for that section, though. got an a. much pleased.

friends got drunk and high last night as i was in my room reading fight club. not sure if i feel left out or not. not too much, i guess. pity, i still wish kat had called, not that i would have smoked out at all, but i've been feeling like drinking for a while. jeff has gotten into drinking, which i suppose in some twisted way is a sign of growth. he's getting harder to read. regardless, mmm...rebellion yummy.

called mum up again on the way back from class, finished up our chat, and the phone was passed to dad who still does not want me out of the dorms next year. little does he know that my roommates and i are quite decided. told him so, but don't really have the balls to just say "i'm moving out." don't have the balls to move out, for that matter. i'm trying to justify it to him financially, as this is the only excuse that will fly with that man. hah, that will be sweet, i don't have the financial sense of a kumquat, i have no idea how much dorms cost this year, how shall i be able to justify something like this to reluctant parents? they're afraid of loosing me, want me to wait a year. what people keep asking me is why i want to move off next year. i have no idea. it's either a "bite the bullet" sort of thing or a "much to lazy to move all my shit back and forth next year" thing. either way, it's not terribly convincing. shit.

the weather is cooling, and finals are fast approaching. this does not bode well...

March 10, 2004

all i want is you

i reached behind my desk today to pick up a fallen box of cheez-its (nummy) and ended up lying cheek down on my laptop. i gave it an impulsive little kiss and nuzzle and retrieved my fallen snacks. it was warm and was humming faintly. mommy.

my mother spent $4 to send me a little cubic box of homemade cookies. oatmeal chocolate. i havn't yet decided if i want to share. i guess it depends on how much i like my visitors.

today has been lovely. sunny, warm. i skipped both my classes, woke up at noon. lunched on veggies and fruits. went to the lab, worked, etc. then i stopped in ackerman and piced up some books. i've had such a powerful jonesing to read lately. got: shakespearean play, great american novel, fantasy braincandy shit book, and a totally awsome pop culture pulp. i walked back in the warm dusk smiling and thinking up excueses to kiss someone. i can't wait to be back home with the 'loveds and play.

March 09, 2004

hot hot heat

we are currently experiencing some of that famous southern california weather i've been impatient for all year. basically, it's like those delicious summers back home, before it gets too, too hot. actually, some of my friends have been complaining of the heat already. i would be scandalized if i were not too busy blissing. this is the weather i was born for - i love it so! it has an odd effect on me, though. it seems to bring out all my animal instincts. i want to lay out in the sun and purr. i want to kiss someone on the neck. i want to crouch on one side of a door and spring when it's opened, knocking the person the the ground and close my teeth around his throat. the heat has made me more bold, too - i have been blatantly checking guys out all day. (kat - "and girls, too!" haha, kat.) this weather is perfect. i feel like slinking around like some animal. what would make this perfect is some cool chai and some pool. the world is joy!

March 05, 2004

What Can I Say...I Like to Watch

today is the day i accidentally almost became a lesbian. how does one accidentally almost become a lesbian, you ask? well, it involves toast. more explanation is probably needed.

after dinner today i had a slice of toast while kat went off to get dessert. staring off into the middle distance towards the stairs at the end of the dining hall, i noticed a girl walking back to her table. my eyes must have pretty obviously followed her motion because a second after she got back, she and her friends at the table had a short conference and then turned back to look at me and giggle. completely exposed, alone at the table, and still staring generally off into space, i caught their looks and wondered what in the hell...they turned back and i felt more at ease. then they all turned back and stared at me for a minute straight, removing all doubt as to the object of their scrutiny, while i self-consciously avoided looking at them and tried hiding behind my diminishing bit of toast. then one of the males at the table got up and walked across my field of vision, noticeably staring at me, probably trying to see if i would then watch him the same way i had watched the girl. by the time kat got back, the toast was gone, i was mortified, and they had gone back to their own pursuits, but i was thoroughly chagrined. by that time, too, i had figured out what i had done to merit their attention - they must have thought i was checking her out.

i feel it my duty to mention that i was not leering at her, though i do admit to staring. but i have an excuse. she was thin, terribly thin. i was staring at her thinness, noting that, yes, while her abs were flat as a board, there was still a little skin flab above the sides of her jeans, proving that even the skinny have cellulite. while i was contemplating this girl's midriff and envying her superior genes (or workout dedication, whatever) i must have appeared quite absurd. it's not as if i sat up at attention and salivated like a dog at a milkbone, i was simply bored.

nontheless, i'm sure i seemed to those innocent people to be quite a lech. at least i hope the girl had the good sense to feel flattered. but really, that tears it. i need a boyfriend, or at least some sort of sign: "please excuse the staring, she means nothing by it. she is more scared of you than you are of her. really. if she stares, just pretend to throw something and she will look away."

p.s. they probably thought kat and i were a couple. well, it doesn't hurt to do a bit of looking on the side...

March 04, 2004

Lists of my Life

over the past few days i have:

fallen asleep on a windowseat in kerchoff
fallen down the steps in Bunche
gotten down to two pairs of underwear in my drawer
gotten over a crush
over-thought a million conversations
thought about sex

that about sums it up. it's been a good couple of days.

March 03, 2004

*Group Hug*

i have some of the best friends ever. kat is always there with all the friendin' a girl could want, jeff is the sweetest and warmest human ever, and sadaf is just so lovely and generous. i would give a kidney to these people, unfortunately i have only 2 and would rather need 4 to go around. but still, the sentiment is there. maybe only one would need a kidney, that'd be okay. or maybe they'd need something else, like rides to the airport - i could give them those. or maybe bake them some cookies or something. I need to mention kim, too. she's this sweet, tragic figure who i love nonetheless, even though it hurts and there's nothing i can do to help her. without these people in my life it would be much more bleak (and in some cases less bleak) and certainly more lonely. thank you guys.